A year on from affair

[Drama99]

Hi
I scroll thru Mumsnet All the time looking for threads that help me work thru my own issues. Specifically, those of u who are the victims of affairs.
I discovered my husbands affair over a year ago. We have stayed together.
No one knows. Just me, my husband, and the dirty whore (sorry, don’t know how else to to refer to her)
So I have literally had no one to speak to about this for over a year.
It is fucking exhausting.
We r still together.
My children r still happy. Which I guess Is probably my main goal. They r 14, 12 and 10.
Not sure why I’m posting.
The crap I could pour forth is almost limitless.
Might like to connect with someone else who has stayed with a cheater???
It’s a twisted complex tortuous world
So easy to just say leave.
Life is so much more complicated than that ☹️

Calling the OW a whore is not going to help OP feel much better is it?

It might.... Who are you to say what helps the OP feel better.

From many of these posts it's clear who has never had any experience in the OPs position. And even if they have, they are not the OP, or anyone else. So whatever helps is up to the OP to decide not someone with skewed morals to dictate....

I was that cheater, I had my reasons

There is never a good reason to cheat. There are poor excuses, but not good reasons... Glad you have repercussions from it. You kinda deserve it. But don't assume it affects you more than him. He might just be good at hiding it but I'm sure he remembers often.

It's easy for people to say LTB

It is but as someone who's been there too, it really is the only way to fully move on from it. I am 15 plus years on and I'm not over it. It's ruined my life. No one in my life knows that though because I don't tell anyone that it is still on my mind daily and I wish I'd taken that advice back then. Too late now though.....

OP
Its such a shame your thread has been hijacked by the vocabulary police.
Please start a new one if you want to and those of us who are feeling pain as you are can join you there and maybe we could all help each other out.....
Or maybe the people arguing about the misogyny of semantics could take their discussion elsewhere out of respect for the OP's obvious pain.

@Xandrats ok I’m going now. I’m not being mean when when I suggested that. It won’t help come on don’t be pathetic. I was trying to address the issue but I forgot it’s not supporting OP unless I too agree with OP....
Ohhh yes the OW is a whore.

Some posters need to get real! Men are hunters it’s usually the MEN who go after the women it’s not a case of all these women setting out to wreck marriages! Your husband Willingly wanted to have his cake and eat it.

At least tell it how it is if your going to point your finger

We went to marriage counselling after I first discovered it. We had been married 29 years at this stage and I wanted to be able to say to myself and my DCs that I did try to see if it could be fixed.

The first things the therapist is that he needed to give me FULL DISCLOSURE. and most importantly, CEASE ALL CONTACT with the OW in any form at all. The fact that they work together is infuriating. There is no hope for your marriage or mental well being. Honestly , this should be your ultimatum to him. If he does not comply , LTB.

ok I’m going now

Good plan.

Some posters need to get real

Yes you certainly do.... Everyone handles things differently. You have no business telling someone going through some shit how to handle it and what words they should and shouldn't use.

And it's not just men who look for affairs. You are seriously deluded... And clearly have no experience with this... Run along.

Your husband Willingly wanted to have his cake and eat it.

No one said the man wasn't to blame. But if the OW knew they were married they are not blameless it takes two... The man didn't force her. Stop making excuses for these individuals.

And don't direct messages at me again thanks... You are the kind of person I don't wish to engage with. Anyone making excuses for the poor ow doesn't deserve my time... At all.

@Xandrats

Isn't it nice being the OW or OM, ruining a wife, husband and children's home that they built, walking off unscathed.

Additionally, it's become some sort of reprehensible act to call her or him a name? Bullocks! OW or OM are scum!

@firewalkeruk

Well articulated.

I stayed and have had a good marriage. But every now and then the thought of it pops into my head and can make me cry.

It’s like grief knowing that the fairytale marriage i dreamt of can never exist now. It has been tarnished.

@EpochTime

Agree *@scottishlass123* Both affair 'partners' should be vilified for their behaviour.

Exactly! If they are brave enough to take a man that is married and has kids then then should be brave enough to handle the abuse that follows

I am shocked by some of the comments on here. The OW owes the OP nothing. Yes of course both are to blame but it’s the cheating H who the anger should be directed towards, he’s the one who chose to cheat, this idea that men are poor helpless creatures lured away by evil OW is ridiculous. Some women on here clearly choose to blame the OW because they can’t face the fact that their ‘wonderful’ marriage isn’t really that wonderful. If you really want to get over it then start by accepting that and the fact that once he’s done it and got away with it that he is likely to do it again. If you can live with that then great, I know I couldn’t. OP, please find some self respect and get rid of this loser, you deserve better! It took me 5 years but I’m so glad I did!

@Baws

As you rightly said that the OW doesn't owe the OP anything, neither does the OP Owe the OW anything (as in decency, being kind).

It works both ways. But I agree with you.

Sorry you're hurting like this op.

Ultimately, your husband has had no consequences for his affair at all. He is even still seeing his affair partner daily. Youve told no one, so he gets to trot around without even feeling an ounce of guilt or shame. Meanwhile, you are suffering terribly under the weight of HIS actions.

I'm not sure youre going to help your children in the long run, by teaching them that they should bear the pain and shame created by their partners and suffer in silence like this... you do know they're learning all this from you right now, don't you? They don't know the details, but they are 100% learning the dynamic. They're learning from you how their marriages should feel... if you carry on like this too long, they are going to grow up to become people who are literally uncomfortable in relationships where they are treated with respect and honesty...

Are you really sure that this marriage should continue?

Does it do children good, when their mother is being tortured and isolated?

I won't pull you up on the name calling but I would gently suggest, perhaps your husband is worthy of much worse names? After all he was supposed to love you, and honor and cherish you.

People often say they stay for the children and I can see why. But children pick up on signals and body language more than their parents realise. Children’s parents are their role models - the relationship you have with your husband is the relationship they are witnessing to how married couples are. I think you need to consider having therapy and the possibility of leaving him because of your children. You can’t have so much anger between you two and for them not to notice. Is the relationship you are having with your husband what you want them to aspire to and accept with their partners when they are adults? Consider showing them how in life it’s ok and important that you strive to create a life where you are happy.

Wishing I hadn’t used that particular word now! There are plenty of others I could have used. The ‘OW’ really doesn’t deserve all this discussion! She is nothing.

And yes I have used plenty of similar words to describe my husband. But the intensity and complexity of my feelings about my husband mean that calling him names is not enough to make me feel better. Oh, that I could simply call him a whore and suddenly feel ok!!

Calling an OW names (and I do this all inside my head remember) simply lets me vent some anger. My feelings for her are simple - I hate her and strongly desire bad things for her. Full stop.
My feelings about my husband are too many to list! Hate, love, anger, confusion, betrayal, disgust, sadness and more sadness, and on and on and on....

I’m so sorry to hear the stories of other posters who are also suffering. My heart breaks for every one of you. This is a unique kind of hell we live in.

If anyone is still interested....
I looked on my husbands phone while he was sleeping. Found lots and lots of messages back and forth. I looked because he’d been acting weird with his phone for a while. Like if the kids asked to see a photo he’d taken, he’d say ‘wait a minute’ and fiddle with it for a minute and then hand it over. (It makes me so cross that they could have accidentally seen something that revealed the affair. )

I hope that you find it in you to leave OP. Tell spme friends and family and leave. It mightbe tough, but you have a choice. You can choose what to do now. You can leave, you can!

I am not saying this to make you feel bad, and if you have chosen to stay that's fine, but I just want you to know you DO have a choice , you WILL get through any difficult choice you make.

Do you work?

P.S. I left after years of our relationship spiralling because I did not act at the time and tried to carry on. I am happy I do not have to live with him. I hate him. I am focused on myself. It is not easy!

This post has made me so glad that my mum left my dad when I was 10. No one deserves to live in a life they are so unhappy in. That's so so sad. I would like to think I'd be strong enough to leave too if it was my partner or Husband but can see why it's so difficult. For what it's worth they are like best friends since they got divorced. Both re married too and everyone gets on. But she knew she didn't want to be with a man that she couldn't trust and that had let their "team" down if that makes sense.

I really don't know what to suggest but I feel sad that you have to pretend life is good when it's eating you up inside and you didn't make the choice that ruined everything.

Just please don't let him ever treat you like crap now. It's not fair how nothing in his life changed and everyone still thinks he's this amazing husband when deep down you know he was ready to risk it all.

Be kind to yourself OP all your feelings are completely valid and a lot of people get to air it when it all comes out and you haven't had that chance.

OP, it doesn't really sound like your DH is making an effort. As others have said, I don't see how you can get even start to come to terms with the affair whilst she is still in his life, and therefore she will always be live in your head. That he is prepared to put you in this situation is beyond contemptible. It shows no understanding or concern or regret for what he has put you through. Is he even trying to find another job?

This situation is clearly destroying you and you husband is keeping you in this situation that is destroying you.

Love takes time to fade. Loving someone is not enough reason to stay together. You need to decide if your husband is worthy of your love.

If you do decide to stay he really has to get another job. Its going to destroy you otherwise.

This is such a sad post and sadder because this was actually me about 18 months ago. We stayed together after his affair and I was miserable.
Every time his phone went, every time I caught him looking at certain people on social media, every time he went to work........ I did EVERYTHING possible to make him happy and I thought it was working. Then he did it again at the end of lockdown. The daft thing is my gut instinct told me last time he'd do it again but I still stood by him desperate to make him love me enough.

So much has happened over the last few months and I finally realised he wasn't worth it. I'm now about a month away from my divorce being finalised. Yeah it hurts but it does get easier and I'm stronger than I realised with so much in my life to be grateful for. I really hope it works out for you. There is an alternative though to living a life in constant worry and doubt (and its not as bad as you think 😘)

My husband had a 7 month long full blown affair that started when I was away with our children on a family holiday, to be honest our marriage wasnt in the best place at the time, he moved out about 3 months into the affair but he didnt disclose that it was actually going on until I was contacted by the OW who was pregnant with his child.

She lost the baby and nearly a year after we managed to find our way back together, we went to counselling and 3 years later I would say that our marriage is in a much better place than it ever was before. I have forgiven him & I have now, mostly forgotten, I do not check his phone/do not question his whereabouts and I have realised that I can live easily without him so I am choosing to be with him, not feeling "forced" to be with him for the children or any other reason.

Love takes time to fade. Loving someone is not enough reason to stay together. You need to decide if your husband is worthy of your love. -- such wise words for the op.

I dearly loved my exh even as I was leaving him. It was heartbreaking. But I knew if I stayed it would ruin my DC. And so - I allowed myself to cry and hurt, but I still ended the marriage.

We are all so much happier now. It always seems impossible before its done.

Leave him!!
You don’t even sound happy hun
My parter of 11 years and father to my 3 children I split with recently after discovering he’d been contacting and probably sleeping with escorts , I was heart broken and initially decided to try couples therapy and work on the relationship but 3 months later I realised I couldnt do it , I wasn’t happy , he didn’t make me happy anymore and I new I’d never trust him again , I’m 30... my worst fear was waking up at 50 and realising I’d made a huge mistake staying with him , I don’t think many men like this actually change , you deserve happiness you will be a better mum when your happy! Don’t live a mundane unfulfilled life with his cheating arse and leave you deserve more and are worth so much more x

So much of this thread could have been written by me. It's about 18 months since I found out my husband was unfaithful. I was so sad and shocked. I never thought he would betray my trust. I still can't believe it. We have stayed together, for now. We can't afford to live separately at the moment and then there's the children. They would be horrified and it would be so sad to damage their relationship with him. He promised that he would spend the rest of his life making it up to me but in reality we barely speak, certainly not about anything intimate only the day to day practicalities. We have no physical contact and I feel so lonely. I haven't hugged or touched an adult since March and I can't bear the thought of spending the rest of my life like that. We've been married for 24 years and always planned the things we'd do when the children left home, the places we'd go. Now I can't imagine doing those things with someone who's company I don't enjoy. We don't talk about it at all. If I try he goes silent and we don't get anywhere. I know thats because he feels guilty but it doesn't help us move forward. I know we will have to do something decisive at some point. But I feel really cross that I'm being pushed into a position where it will be me making the decision even though he was the unfaithful one.

For the people who, like me, have chosen to stay with a lying, cheating, but much-loved, husband and father:

It would be SO helpful to be able to talk amongst ourselves about the complex, difficult decisions we are making, without being subjected to a barrage of admonitions.

Why is it impossible for people who chose to LTB (or who have not experienced infidelity) to see that those of us who stayed with our deeply flawed husbands are not necessarily: simple minded, deluded, desperately unhappy, or blissfuly in a state of denial?