A year on from affair

[Drama99]

Hi
I scroll thru Mumsnet All the time looking for threads that help me work thru my own issues. Specifically, those of u who are the victims of affairs.
I discovered my husbands affair over a year ago. We have stayed together.
No one knows. Just me, my husband, and the dirty whore (sorry, don’t know how else to to refer to her)
So I have literally had no one to speak to about this for over a year.
It is fucking exhausting.
We r still together.
My children r still happy. Which I guess Is probably my main goal. They r 14, 12 and 10.
Not sure why I’m posting.
The crap I could pour forth is almost limitless.
Might like to connect with someone else who has stayed with a cheater???
It’s a twisted complex tortuous world
So easy to just say leave.
Life is so much more complicated than that ☹️

I've been there OP.. not once, but about 10 times! it's bloody hard, and you do it for the sake of the kids, and you love him..
but after lots of therapy and good friends and family, something clicked last week - I don't need him and I realised he just used me.. so I told him it was over - he tried to get me back, but I've not allowed him in.
It hurts, but I'm stronger now, and I'm at peace which is the most important thing..
He's not and answered any of my calls this evening- usually is panic about where he was, but I don't care anymore, as I always think the worst, even if he isn't doing anything.
I've got our son, and that's all that important for me, as I don't want our son to disrespect women like his dad does..
be strong and if you think you can work it out, do it.. but you totally have to get over it and heal- I thought I could, but turns out, 2 years dish the line, I couldn't
Good luck xx

I’m doing as @Maze76! I’m 4 years on. I’m now 43, in control, strong, working out, feeling amazing and have used the time to ensure I will financially strong eventually . He’s complacent and happy, just as I want it also, I will get my revenge when the time is right, for me.

It changes you.

I grieved for about 2 years, not for him, but for the life I thought I had, for the future that I planned, and most of all, for me.

I went scorched earth on the day I found out, told all my friends and family what the scumbag had been up to.

However, after a few months they all were suggesting that I give him another chance. I think maybe they were sick of hearing about it and just wanted life to go back to normal FOR THEM.

In the end I took him back, but I stay for my kids and it is purely a business arrangement. We are like friendly work colleagues in the business of raising 2 kids.

I'm colder than I was. I've become hardened. I only have room in my heart for my children and my mum now. Loyalty was always a bit thing to me, now I am loyal to no one and expect no one to be loyal to me.

If you stay, you need to let go of your old life and start building a life that focuses on you and your children, with him in the background. Take care of yourself.

I stayed for a year and then ended it as I couldn’t live like that anymore. It was tough at the time but now the kids are really happy and settled and have completely adjusted to the situation. I have absolutely no regrets in leaving and am much happier now than I was living with such a betrayal.

Going through it now . I am 18 months down the road. I think I have fallen into the staying for the kids sake. I don’t love him. That stopped the day I found out. He is doing lots to try to make it work. I am having counselling and I do find it’s working . It’s about me and how I feel and how I handle things . I am getting stronger. I don’t think I can ever forgive the hurt and pain he put me through but I am slowly beginning to realize that I can start to put it be hind me and move on. Time they say is a healer some that’s what I am holding on for.

OP and all others in this situation I really feel for you. It is the loneliest feeling and so many feelings of shame and unworthiness came up for me. I found out three years ago that partner had an affair and we agreed to work on it. Affair was a symptom of bugger problem in the relationship but at the time it came out it felt like it was a reset button.
4 weeks ago I told him I no longer want to be with him and since I did I have never looked back. My future feels the brightest it has in years.
Just take it a day at a time, you don't know what the future holds 💕

Genuine question OP why did you keep it as secret? Surely you are entitled to have support outside of this?

I’ve kept it secret for a variety of reasons.
Firstly, and most importantly, I want my children to keep the Dad they think they have. They adore him. I just think they would be so disgusted and never respect him again. Rightly so! But it would be so traumatic for them.
Secondly, I’m not sure I could deal with people knowing. How they would look at me. Pity me. I don’t want to be the source of people’s gossip. I don’t want my family and DH’s family to hate him!
Finally, he is OW’s boss!! Yes seedy as hell. And it would destroy his reputation.

Apologies to MMmomDD if my language offended u

Sometimes calling OW all sorts of terrible things inside my head is helpful. She has had ZERO consequences for what she did. I suffer daily. DH suffers (although he deserves to). She does not. Life just carries on as normal for her. Keeping the affair a secret means she gets off scot free. No one looking at her with disgust. No shame. Feels pretty unfair. So yes, I detest her

And of course she is still there at work with DH every, single day. Which is a torment for me. It means we can never escape it. I send him off to her every morning. He comes home from being with her every evening. I wonder if they talked. I wonder if they made eye contact. I wonder what she was wearing. And on and on and on.
He insists they have minimal contact. Strictly business. But how can I really know
The more I write this down the more ridiculous it seems that I tolerate it...

This is why I appreciated MN when I found out . So many just on this post have stories shockingly similar to mine .
I kept it a secret for a while but the strain of trying to act normal for my adult DCs sake and living a lie meant I was a wreck . And why should I cover his arse and let people think he was a decent man.
But I am stuck with him financially at the moment. I dont have too many options as I am 59 and a carer for an elderly relative that lives here. I dont even get a respite during the day as he lost his job due to pandemic . Just biding my time until I can get rid of him. But I am unhappy all the time and I make sure he is too. It is toxic.

I would recommend counselling for yourself. If nothing else, it may give you advice on how to deal with the reality of your life for right now.

If you can , I would advise you to leave . You are still young enough to be able to start again. And your DCs will still be able to have a relationship with their father , just a different one.

Staying for DCs is OK , but they will grow up and hopefully have their own lives. You will be alone with him but older and less able to split
Do you really want to regret the past 20 years?

I understand you want to protect your children. But wanting to protect his reputation!! Why!!
Also as a woman who's husband cheated on her I can honestly say I don't care what people thought of me I didn't do anything wrong he was the one who slept with a co worker while I looked after his kids. I'd have been lost without my family and friends and I don't know if they pitied me or not but if they did I was glad they were there for me.
Maybe some counselling with a stranger might help you process how you are feeling?

I think they'd pity him tbh, not you OP. I mean it's just all a bit icky isn't it?

Why do you feel you need to protect him? He made those choices, it's on him is his reputation is destroyed or his family hate him, not you.
You owe him nothing

Do you really see you living out the rest of your life protecting him after the way he's treat you? Fuck that.

@DramaBamaLama. Your story is so similar to how I am now. Even the people who are bored with it all .
It sucks

It's easy at the start to blame the OW I know I did but the fact is he cheated on you he was married to you so it's not her fault. If it wasn't her it would have been someone else.

That is really unacceptable Drama, they still work together a year on? He needs to find a new job. And call her whatever you like!

@usualreaderonly

I’m doing as *@Maze76*! I’m 4 years on. I’m now 43, in control, strong, working out, feeling amazing and have used the time to ensure I will financially strong eventually . He’s complacent and happy, just as I want it also, I will get my revenge when the time is right, for me.

Good for you!

Isn’t your husband a dirty whore too? He was the married one who decided to put his dick elsewhere. Sorry but you are blaming the wrong person and whilst you feel like this you will never move forward.

Some of these posts are so sad, particularly those women who stayed but are secretly miserable. I wonder how many men would choose to stay in a miserable marriage.

When my dh was unfaithful it knocked the shit out of me. I had a breakdown whilst working and running the home. I felt dich helplessness and despair. I wanted to end my life.

Fast forward a year and I too have been unfaithful. It has definitely levelled out the playing field. I no longer hurt and a part of me enjoyed being desired by another. We are still together but the despair and anxiety has gone.

I guess I just did not have it in me to forgive.

I’ve been there too. My ex H had an affair. I would have forgiven him but he moved in with her. In hindsight that was the best solution. It has meant I’ve been able to rebuild my life and be very happy. My children were young at the time but my ExH and I (me in particular) worked hard together to make sure they are fine. We celebrate their birthdays together, parent evenings, Christmas Day until recently etc.

Children know if parents are together only for their sakes. Why put that burden on kids? Also why make yourself unhappy for at least 18 years. Who knows how the body reacts to this constant stress and unhappiness. We only get one go at this and your children would not want you being unhappy. Move on from this ungrateful man.

OP. I am where you are. With one difference. After keeping his secret for 3 months whilst I reeled and tried to work out what the hell to do, I have asked him to leave. I have tortured myself with all the worries about what people would say, how they will view me as a failed wife and how our children will be affected. We saw a counsellor to try to rebuild but it slowly dawned on me that I can't carry on being this unhappy.
I also hate the OW who has swanned off back to her husband and her life with no consequences. However, I hate DH too for putting me and our DC in this position and breaking his promises to me. This is his responsibility. He can face up to it. He will tell our DC what he's done and why this huge fucking mess has occurred. Then he'll tell his parents and siblings.

I'm not sure if you have said how long you have known. But take a bit of time to process and think. It may become clearer as you do. X

Have now read the OP properly!
I would suggest if you are still this unhappy a year on then there may only be one course of action left.....

OP, I can tell you that while an affair can be forgiven it will never be forgotten.
I'm not going to go into detail enough to say that earlier in our marriage my wife had an affair which ran it's course over 2 years.
We are still together, I have always loved her even when she said she didn't love or want me anymore. She has been a good and loving wife for over 20 years now and has often said she can't forgive herself for the hurt she caused me.
Even now I can doubt she truly loves me. There are times I think she would rather have been with the other man despite him turning out to be nothing like he pretended to be.
When we argue, which we do rarely, it will come floating back to the surface. After 37 years together we know how to push each others buttons and an argument over something mundane can very quickly become nuclear with our various historical failings being dragged out and rehashed. The nuclear button will often be pushed when she says something like 'your not like the man I married' and it goes from there.
Often after a lot of tears and soul searching we hug and make up but it can take weeks for the words and memories to fade into the background again, lurking beneath the surface for the next row.
Having said that, I love my wife and my life with her is so much richer and rewarding than I could ever have imagined. It has only worked because she has committed herself to our relationship and despite my demons she has loved me and never given me cause to doubt her ever again.
OP you need to judge whether your husband can ever offer you commitment again and both of you need to realise that because of him the wound your marriage has suffered will heal but there will always be a scar.

I stayed with my ex for another 17 years after she cheated. I spent time in care as a child and didn't want my 3 daughters to have an absent father. That said in many ways I bitterly regret all those years of being unhappy. Such a waste when either of us could have been happier with new partners but you make your choice. My advice is if I gad the time over again I'd have left. Its never the same afterwards, tainted and spoilt. No trust and quite damaging emotionally long term.