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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

A year on from affair

211 replies

Drama99 · 27/10/2020 23:47

Hi
I scroll thru Mumsnet All the time looking for threads that help me work thru my own issues. Specifically, those of u who are the victims of affairs.
I discovered my husbands affair over a year ago. We have stayed together.
No one knows. Just me, my husband, and the dirty whore (sorry, don’t know how else to to refer to her)
So I have literally had no one to speak to about this for over a year.
It is fucking exhausting.
We r still together.
My children r still happy. Which I guess Is probably my main goal. They r 14, 12 and 10.
Not sure why I’m posting.
The crap I could pour forth is almost limitless.
Might like to connect with someone else who has stayed with a cheater???
It’s a twisted complex tortuous world
So easy to just say leave.
Life is so much more complicated than that ☹️

OP posts:
julietmanchester · 28/10/2020 18:05

@Ilovecheese53

Personally you couldn't ever imagine slagging off the OW? Or be the OW?

julietmanchester · 28/10/2020 18:08

Men don't care if their buddies slag the OM or even confront them. They support their friend who is hurt.

Why are women always held to some moral standard that is inconsistent with our natural feeling of anger or fear or whatever?

OP is not trying to accomplish anything except find some support for her anger and sadness for her husband and the OW. That's it.

Ginorwine30 · 28/10/2020 18:20

It will eat away at you, it’s so much better to admit he’s a cheating arsehole then move on from them. Why should he be protected? People should know what he’s like, hiding it forever will only make you feel worse. Children are resilient, far more resilient than we give them credit for. I’m sure they would rather have a happy mum than for you to continue having to live a lie.

Ginorwine30 · 28/10/2020 18:21

And why shouldn’t OP slag off the other woman, I bloody well would too. Women that go with married men are scum Angry

BigBumSmallKnockers · 28/10/2020 18:36

OP, your H didn’t care about his DC’s happiness when he made the decision to risk destroying it by fucking some whore he worked with. Why is your DC’s happiness only your responsibility?

You may find they can still be happy with separated parents. Especially if they see the weight lifted from their Mum (they will have noticed), and see her setting the example of not putting up with being treated like a doormat.

How on earth you can possibly cope with them working together I don’t know and the fact that neither of them moved to different jobs speaks volumes of how little they care about their actions. I’d be very surprised if the affair wasn’t still ongoing.

You need to stop covering up for him. He doesn’t deserve it and it’s just going to eat you up and make you unwell if it hasn’t already.

You are entitled to call the OW whatever you want. You owe her nothing, least of all any respectHmm, just as she owes you nothing as is often said on here.

2ndMrsdeWinter · 28/10/2020 18:48

I completely agree with all the posters stating that the ok can call the woman names if she wants to. It’s a form of release and a way to vent. And let’s be real, none of us would be in this situation if there weren’t women willing to engage with married men. Women should know better.

Ilovecheese53 · 28/10/2020 18:51

[quote julietmanchester]@Ilovecheese53

Personally you couldn't ever imagine slagging off the OW? Or be the OW?

[/quote]
I meant I couldn’t live like that been bitter about the other woman yet having sex with my cheating husband! Because he’s the one I would have to face daily

It would drive me mad!

Ilovecheese53 · 28/10/2020 18:53

@Ginorwine30

It will eat away at you, it’s so much better to admit he’s a cheating arsehole then move on from them. Why should he be protected? People should know what he’s like, hiding it forever will only make you feel worse. Children are resilient, far more resilient than we give them credit for. I’m sure they would rather have a happy mum than for you to continue having to live a lie.
Exactly. Children are not stupid.
Notjustabrunette · 28/10/2020 18:58

OP, you sound deeply unhappy.
Your husband has been a shit. Is he still being a shit or is he bending over backwards, moving heaven and earth and literally doing everything in his power to be the best husband? What was the reason for the affair? Has he addressed what his issues were? If the answers are no, he’s not doing everything he can, then I don’t think you are going to get over this betrayal. And you don’t have to live like this. Use your time and energy into building your new life. You maybe entitled to more than you think you are. I would see citizens advice or a solicitor.

Xandrats · 28/10/2020 19:04

So easy to just say leave.

It is because that's unfortunately the best option. I'm post 15 plus years. I stayed. Young me wishes someone had told me to leave. I didn't have a forum like this to reach out and ask for opinions. I stayed and it's ruined my life. I'll never be truly over it. It's something that will always be part of the history of our relationship that I can't erase.

My advice to anyone who was in the position I was will always be to leave because it likely won't get any easier and you'll carry the anger and resentment with you for life.

Notjustabrunette · 28/10/2020 19:11

OP, I have just read the bit about the fact that he’s still working with her! Fuck that shit. He needs to change jobs quick smart. No wonder why you’re not getting over it, she’s still in your lives.

Xandrats · 28/10/2020 19:12

I completely agree with all the posters stating that the ok can call the woman names if she wants to. It’s a form of release and a way to vent. And let’s be real, none of us would be in this situation if there weren’t women willing to engage with married men. Women should know better

Agree with this too. Sure the husband was the married one but those who enter into an affair knowing full well the other party is married is far from blameless and deserve the anger and ill wishes they get from the hurt party.

I still harbour alot of anger towards the woman who was the other party who knew full well my husband was married and was part of our lives before the affair. Her life has gone to shit since they parted ways... Good. She deserves that and more. My life went to shit after her part in this so she deserves even worse.

blindinglyobviouslight · 28/10/2020 19:40

I'm unapologetic about disliking the word whore being used about the OW. Not because I think the wife shouldn't be angry or want to slag the OW to high heaven, but because 'whore' is a particular sexualised term of abuse that is only used against women for having sex. There is no male equivalent. It is inherently misogynistic. I don't object to it out of consideration for the OW but because I want us as a society to move away from misogynistic sexualised abusive terms to describe women.

This poster sums it up well, And let’s be real, none of us would be in this situation if there weren’t women willing to engage with married men. Women should know better See, if only these whore-ish women didn't exist - our hubbys' would be faithful. No. The problem is not that there is a women willing to have sex with your husband. The problem is that your husband wants to stick his dick in her.
No-one at their wedding vows that no-one will ever find them attractive, they vow that they will never do anything to sleep with someone who finds them attractive. Husbands (and wives) are responsible for controlling their own fidelity.

julietmanchester · 28/10/2020 19:41

OP,

Call the OW whatever your heart desires!!! Her blatant disregard for you, your children is all you need to think about. You owe her zero kindness or whatever some posters are saying.

I personally would be mortified if a married or even a man in a committed relationship wanted me to shag him. Why? Because I wouldn't want that to happen to me. Because I respect the woman in that relationship irrespective of children or not.

I wouldn't believe a single word a cheating man says to me. I'm more loyal to the party who is not agreeing to this.

Also, the husband can F off. He doesn't deserve any respect anymore. He chose to shag someone else, and to expect trust and happiness after is bonkers to me.

ohhhhhyes · 28/10/2020 19:56

@scottishlass123

Op created this thread to get support about how to cope with her husbands infidelity and some posters are up in arms about the vocabulary she chose to call the other women, she could have easily applied the same vocabulary to her husband which she probably has. I think op has been very controlled in response to her husband's affair and if she wishes to name call online and not in real life then leave her to it. This appears to be her only means of expressing herself as she has chosen to keep her husband and the ow's affair quiet. The point of this thread is not about the vocabulary op is using, she needs help from wise and experienced mumsnetters about coping with the affair. She does not need judgement from the pc police, she has enough going on so leave her alone. If you have not got anything supportive to say then don't anything at all.
I merely asked the question, as to why she chose to call the OW that but was willing to stay with the husband. I wasn't being critical, was interested to know her thinking
ohhhhhyes · 28/10/2020 19:58

@julietmanchester

Why are some posters so concerned about the OW? Is OP not allowed to dislike her and call her whatever she likes?

Why are you people so entitled to tell her how to behave towards a woman who slept with her husband and ruined her family?!!!

Because it was her husband who ruined her family...?
julietmanchester · 28/10/2020 19:59

@blindinglyobviouslight

Calling the OW a "whore" or the OW Shagging your husband, which act is infinitely more egregious?

Why are you so focused on a word ? As opposed to an act that dismantled the posters entire life? As well as her children's?

julietmanchester · 28/10/2020 20:01

Not dismantled, meant to write destabilised. Or actually both words

julietmanchester · 28/10/2020 20:05

@ohhhhhyes

She loves her husband, that's why. She's in pain, and rightfully so.

The OW is not anything to her except an intruder who destabilised her home. Her mind. Her reality.

What is so difficult to understand? She loves her husband and her kids, not the OW.

Ilovecheese53 · 28/10/2020 20:07

Calling the OW a whore is not going to help OP feel much better is it? I’m not sure why anybody would advise that as a remedy at this stage. If you have just found out about the affair I could understand but in this case I would look closer to home.

OP most like likely is still having sex with her husband!

rolorun · 28/10/2020 20:08

I was that cheater, I had my reasons which husband understood. I still bitterly regret it and it probably affects my life more than his

blindinglyobviouslight · 28/10/2020 20:40

Calling the OW a "whore" or the OW Shagging your husband, which act is infinitely more egregious?

You may have a morality pyramid which means you can only focus on the one thing at the top, but I don't.

Why are you so focused on a word? For all the reasons I clearly outlined in my post. I refer you to that.

blindinglyobviouslight · 28/10/2020 20:44

And also, calling the woman a whore distracts from the fault of the husband, as you post in response to me illustrates.
I think I was pretty clear in my post who I hold responsible for OP's pain, the husband. You seem focussed on the trope of the 'home-wrecking woman'. Just like the misogynistic undercurrent behind the word 'whore' wants you to.

Ladj · 28/10/2020 20:57

Hi, it's like I'm reading about myself, even our 3 children are similar ages, and no one knows about his affair except me him and his dirty whore too, except I found out for sure only 4 months ago. I think I could use someone to connect with too. It's easy for people to say LTB but it's so confusing to love someone so much yet hate what they did so much!

It's all well and good the husband ending it and staying but we are left with horrendous thoughts to deal with! PM me if you want, believe me I know what you are going through x

Iknowwhatsgoodforme · 28/10/2020 21:11

I think @julietmanchester is correct in suggesting that nitpicking over semantics isn’t going to help the op let off some steam and move on either way.

And I also agree on some level with what Iknow said about holding women to a higher standard. If women universally refused to enter into relationships with married men then we wouldn’t have this problem, would we? Men are stupid and often led by their dicks. I always hope that women would know better because I genuinely believe us to be the superior sex in every way.