To feel hurt and betrayed by my DS?

[MsSweary]

I have been here a long time but I've never posted in AIBU and I'm not sure if that's even relevant but I have to say this to someone. My head is all muddled up and i probably should wait until I calm down but I can't.

I am so very angry and hurt by my eldest DS (he is 37) and I don't know if my feelings are justified and if they're not I think there must be something wrong with me. He is the oldest of my 3 DC's. Both my eldest DS's are from my first marriage. My DD is from my second marriage.

The back story is I divorced my ExH 10 years ago; the years leading up to the end were hideous and I was a mental and emotional wreck and thought I was mad; I was drinking too much to cope with things that didn't make sense and I was on antidepressants. ExH is what I think is called functional alcoholism so never really got drunk but couldn't be without alcohol daily; he'd had a gambling habit during university, he told me early on.
In our marriage He'd also had at least one 'emotional affair', and I once came home early in the day to find him alone with one of them who by that time he'd given a job in his service; not having sex but when i walked in he jumped back from her like a scared rabbit. She had also turned up at our house once in the evening claiming to have broken down and couldn't get back to London that evening so we put her up; a week later ExH decided to buy this woman an item of clothing exactly like the one of his that he'd leant her to sleep in because "she loved it so much" and some months I later found texts between them saying I love you.

After couples counselling during which he never accepted or acknowledged that his behaviour was unnaceptable, he left me for a woman he'd lived with whilst at Uni so it was the age old story; that affair was ongoing during the time we were supposed to be saving our marriage and i later found out he'd come to the appointments from being with her. . Eventually his clear hatred of me wasn't enough to tip me over the edge into throwing him out (because I thought the problem was mine). Either alone or together they decided to send me an anonymous letter informing me of the affair and then ExH blamed our then 15 year old DD for having sent it. i know she couldn't have and wouldn't and she was so upset that her DF had suggested it was her; the post mark of the letter placed ExH in the area he works in, too far away for DD to possibly have been in as she was at school.

She, by the way, had learned of his infidelity or put 2 and 2 together and had begged him to tell me but he wouldn't; when I found this out out her anger and spiteful comments to him and telling me I was a fool, began to make sense. I also found out that he had been stealing money from my bank account as part of the plan to screw me financially whilst I was at my most vulnerable but that particualr plan failed. I should've learned what was to come earlier when he once cleared my bank account right up to the overdraft. I know I was stupid not to end it there and then but I'd not long had our DD and had just moved into the first house we'd bought. I so very nearly did though, and I never really felt the same about him after that.

A week after he left and whilst I was still in shock he introduced my eldest DS to the new partner. My younger DS would not have anything to do with ExH.

I'm sorry for telling in such detail (and I've left loads out as you get the picture). So ExH has split with the woman and moved permanently back to the area. He has been seriously ill, very seriously. I have stayed away all this time and I'm in a much better place after lots of therapy and I haven't had alcohol at all for about 8 years and no inclination to drink at all.

But ExH is slowly inching back in to my DS's lives and the 'weak link' has always been eldest DS whose relationship with his birth dad has never been great but it's not awful either. It's been a source of tension for us as ExH is very manipulative and only ever sees people as a resource to help him get what he wants. Younger DS saw him and spoke to him for the first time in 10 years a couple of weeks ago. ExH mentioned that he hadn't met DS's young son (my DGS). It was a clear bid to get that introduction I think. DS didn't respond but I don't think ExH will give up.

I found out this morning that yesterday ExH leant my eldest DS his car to take my DF shopping; DS usually borrows his brothers car to do that on a Sat morning. But I'm told by DS that it suited him to borrow ExH's car yesterday.
Reasonable or not, I am so hurt and I feel like this man is inching his way back in by any means necessary and it's not because his illness has made him have a sudden epiphany. It's because the other relationship ended and he wants what he left behind. I feel like DS is being disloyal; by his own admission he said that if the situation were reversed and I was to spend time with people who have seriously done him wrong, telling them stuff about DS and generally including them in my life he'd be really upset and pissed off with me.

But it's ok for him, because it suited him to use ExH's car.
I have to stop typing now.

[Coyoacan]

As someone with step parents who have been brought in to my life, and then had them removed from my life, it really bugs me that parents can think they can introduce someone into their child's life and then get upset when a relationship is built

This. I have a hard enough time with not being allowed to stay friends with my dd's ex boyfriends, but telling your children that they cannot continue to see the man who was a father-figure for them is OTT.

I think you still have a lot more therapy to do. You blame your drinking on your ex, which is a typical alcoholic's excuse.

[StepAwayFromGoogle]

So your DS told your ExH, his DSF, that you had moved house and jobs, and borrowed his car? I really don't think that's bad, OP. They're probably just things that came out in conversation. But why not just say to your DS that you'd really appreciate it if he said nothing at all about you to your ExH and to change the subject if you ever come up in conversation? There's no need to ignore him or give him the cold shoulder. He's your son, you brought this man into your sons' lives for 20 years, and as adults now they can decide to see him or not. How you feel about it is irrelevant really. Equally your DD has every right not to see her Dad. But none of it is about you, and you need to stop involving yourself in it.

[dontdisturbmenow]

Have you asked yourself why you would so upset over him using his car? It's a car, an material item. It means nothing at all. He sees it as anode of transfer to take his grand father shopping.

I could understand being upset if be said he wanted to move with him, even if that would be is right to do without guilt, but we are talking about a car here.

You need to put things your feelings into perspective.

[QualityFeet]

You need to get some counselling and to limit the damage you are going to perpetrate on your on going relationships. You haven’t yet got a lot of acceptance for yourself. You have a happier future if you can move to a place where actions can be accepted without a supporting scaffolding of excuses and blame.

[Jayaywhynot]

I'm with you OP, it is a betrayal by your DS, I'd be hurt too.
Your DS is old enough and probably worldly enough to understand how hurtful this is to you yet he continues.
If I were you and your DS mentions your EXH I'd smile and say that's nice dear and engage no further.
I also would no longer tell your DS anything personal / private then he can't repeat it to your EXH.
In all honesty you need to hold your head up and don't engage, don't let anyone know that it's affecting you.

[rashalert]

I'd be hurt too and, at 37, he should be fully aware of what's going on.

I'd tell him how hurt I was. He's a man-why hide it from him.

Obviously, you can't-and shouldn't top him-but if he carries on-aware of all the facts and your feelings, then I'm afraid he he thoughtless, self-centred and-depending on his motivation after having being put in the picture- possibly cruel.

[EarlGreyJenny]

@Jayaywhynot

I'm with you OP, it is a betrayal by your DS, I'd be hurt too.
Your DS is old enough and probably worldly enough to understand how hurtful this is to you yet he continues.
If I were you and your DS mentions your EXH I'd smile and say that's nice dear and engage no further.
I also would no longer tell your DS anything personal / private then he can't repeat it to your EXH.
In all honesty you need to hold your head up and don't engage, don't let anyone know that it's affecting you.

It is not a betrayal. The ex was his father figure for 20 years and now someone gets to dictate their relationship? The OP is his mother, not God.

[EarlGreyJenny]

@rashalert so the son has to ignore his feelings to protect his mother, but the mother doesn't have to that for her son. When the situation was of her making, not her son's. Erm ok.

[ancientgran]

He doesn't have to ignore his feelings, he needs to learn to keep his mouth shut, don't discuss his mother with her ex (I thought that was pretty standard for anyone) and don't tell his mother he's seeing him. He's a grown man, does he tell her every encounter and every conversation he has in his life? If he does there is a very big problem, if he doesn't then it won't be hard for him to do will t.

[sunshinesupermum]

I'm sorry OP and do understand your hurt. DD1 maintains contact with her father even though she knows how badly he betrayed us all. DD2 has no contact with him at all and he rmental health is all the better for it.

I'd suggest going low contact with your DS - I realised I couldn't stop DD1 from being in touch with her father especially as she has two sons of her own and wanted them to know their grandfather - in her case though he now makes very little contact.

You can't and shouldn't stop a 37 year old adult son from being in contact with you abusive ex but do need to protect yourself too until the pain eases.

[Walkaround]

@MsSweary - I can see why you are upset. What a horrible situation. However, you stayed with this man for 20 years and expected your children to develop a bond with him. You can’t force them to learn from your mistakes and think only of your feelings in this, they have to learn from their own mistakes and process their own feelings, too - feelings they have as a consequence of your past choices and mistakes. For them, it is not a case of loyalty to you meaning they can easily tell him to piss off, and it’s incredibly simplistic to view it that way.

[EarlGreyJenny]

@ancientgran of course if OP would prefer not to be discussed with her ex, her son should respect that. And of course, he does not need to share his relationship with his mother. I just don't think that kind of secrecy is without consequences for the son (or his family if he has one) and if someone needs to learn to be quiet it's the OP.

[MsSweary]

Well I can't undo what I did any more than I can undo what he did.

Yes, so how I deal with my emotions is not normal and they are manipulative. That's awful to read. It is especially so as someone has said my response is even abusive.

And no I wasn't a perfect Mum and I'm still not. I'll work on being a better one.

Thank you for the responses they are all helpful.

[EarlGreyJenny]

@MsSweary the fact that you are willing to listen or consider another point of view is admirable though is all you can do. We are all human, all have failings. Good luck

[AnxMummy10]

Yanbu to feel betrayed as they are not even blood related in the first place. I would feel sorry for your ds though. He clearly is reeled in because he wants a father figure. He probably doesnt even realise how he is being manipulated. I think if you look at your dd(biological child) compared to your ds (stepchild) you can see how this works.
Your dd realised how bad her father is and there is no other option so she is loyal to you. Your ds had you, but a useless dad so he probably fell so hard for your ex because he wanted that so badly. He cant see clearly here.
Unfortunately you have to leave him to make his choices. Just shut down all conversations if he brings it up.

[ancientgran]

EarlGreyJenny, so you think she shouldn't tell her son where she lives or works and that is more reasonable than him being expected to respect her privacy and not tell her ex?

[AnneOfQueenSables]

You have to accept their relationship is independent. You can't try to micromanage it or look for offence or upset simply because your DS mentions you. You can't ask him to censor every word in case it somehow upsets you. You're thinking in terms of sides and competitiveness. It's deeply unhealthy.

And your DS' desire for a relationship doesn't mean he can't see the manipulation. It could mean he sees it and has made his peace with it. It could mean that dynamic doesn't exist in the same way in his relationship. It's unpleasant that you consider your DS easily manipulated, a people pleaser, someone taken in by liars rather than consider the truth that he just chooses to engage differently with people than you do.

[EarlGreyJenny]

@ancientgran erm no. Of course not. Her son should keep her information quiet and respect his mum's wishes as I said. It sounds to me like anything said previously was pretty innocent but if the op doesn't like it, fair enough. She can say to her son. I mean that if it comes out in conversation that the son saw the ex then she should smile and suck it up rather than putting the son in the horrible position of lying or feeling guilty for having contact with a person he cares about.

[AlexaShutUp]

OP, I get it. You feel hurt and betrayed by the fact that your ds would want a relationship with someone who has treated you so badly.

However, you need to see this from your ds's point of view. This man has been in his life for almost as long as he can remember - from your timelines I'm guessing that he was around 7 when you married him. For 20 years, he played the role as his step dad - probably much needed as his biological father clearly didn't really want to know. You brought that man into his life and they built a relationship. It might not be so easy just to drop it, but I really don't think he is doing it to hurt you.

You need to think about what is important to you here. Do you want to let your ex come between you and your son? If not, then please try to put your (understandable) hurt aside and focus on your own relationship with your adult children. You can't dictate who they see or don't see, but you can decide that this isn't going to ruin your own relationships.

[MsSweary]

Honestly, my DS will always go with what suits him at the time and that's his right, I guess.

And although I've not said it here, I have over the years, asked him not to volunteer or pass any information about me, my circumstances or my plans in his contact with his step dad and he has repeatedly not held onto that simple request. My assumption has always been they have had contact (more or less frequently) and that in itself has not been an issue in our relationship.

My other DS chose to break contact because he also felt betrayed by his step dad and he finds it hard to forgive. My DD has always had contact with no issue from me.

[zafferana]

I'm going to go against the grain of many of the replies (not all of which I've read, I'll admit) and say that I completely understand how you feel OP. I too am from a convoluted family with step-relations and I honestly say, hand on heart, that I cannot imagine ever wanting to be disloyal to either of my real parents in order to show favour to a step-parent - and neither of my steps has treated either of my parents anywhere near as shabbily as your ex has treated you. I think your 37-year-old DS is being selfish and thoughtless and I don't blame you for feeling betrayed by his actions. This man treated you like shit, cheating on you, stealing from you and trying to screw you over financially, then leaving you for another woman. Now that relationship has ended he's back again, trying to weasel his way back into your lives. I'd personally tell him to fuck off, if it were me. As for your DS, I'd have a word with him, if he was mine. You don't need to be manipulative, you can just tell him how his actions make you feel. Surely he's aware of what your ex did to you? If he isn't, now is the time to time him.

[MsSweary]

I'm sorry. I know I sound unreasonable.

It is my problem and I will deal with it.

[NameChange2PostThis]

@MsSweary your DS’s stepdad (your exDH) was in his life for some crucial years - I’m guessing by your OP from your son’s pre-teen to in his twenties. Plus as I understand it, he introduced him to his DW. So there’s a strong bond there.
I’m sorry because your exDH was obviously shitty to you, so this must be hard. But your DS is entitled to a relationship with his father figure even if he is a total shit to you.
Please don’t make your son choose between you. It’s unfair. Yes, your a ExDH is a shit. But YABVU to think that his behaviour towards you means your son has to reject him.

[Northernparent68]

I can’t believe people are encouraging the op to go low contact with her son, that’s bad advice that will rebound on the op.

Given how grim his childhood We should have was some sympathy For the op son.

[EhUp]

YABU and this is a good example of how 'blended families' are often not the wonderful thing people like to think they are

You introduced this man to your young DSs, invited him into your home and quite likely encouraged them to build a father-son type relationship. Having done that you can't expect to dictate that your DSs cut this man out of their lives just because you have.

Yes it sounds like your eldest DS is making an unwise decision but everything is a result of your own unwise decision all those years ago to have this man in your life.

Sorry no sympathy