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Original poster

The other woman

206 replies

deesdeli · 12/10/2020 14:19

I'd like the views of others who have experienced a similar situation...

I am recovering from finding out about my exes infidelity with the same woman for over a year.

Whilst I have got rid of him and given him the sh*t he deserved I am now left with unbelievable rage towards the other woman.

The other woman was fully aware he was in a relationship and actively pursued him again and again....I cannot believe a word he says and suspect there is a lot more the to story he hasnt told me so I am tempted to contact her to find out the truth and to vent on her.

I cannot believe that women can behave like this towards another woman and I suppose I am trying to find closure to this horrible chapter .

OP posts:
category12 · 12/10/2020 14:24

You'll probably regret giving her that power.

If she is as hard faced as you imagine, she'll give as good as she gets and may tell you things you may not want to know.

And I dunno, I think we rarely feel better for going mental at someone. Overall it's embarrassing as a memory.

ChaChaCha2012 · 12/10/2020 14:35

No one else is going to make this better for you, no one is going to give you the answers you need. As above, if you continue down this path you're going to come out of it looking like the bad guy.

Cut all contact with your ex, keep yourself busy whilst the hurt eases. Don't go contacting people and giving them shit etc.

Spottybluepyjamas · 12/10/2020 14:42

As someone who in the past did what you are considering, I would strongly recommend that you don't.

I should have walked away with my head held high instead of trying to find out what happened. In contacting her, I gave her the power and I also opened the floodgates to wanting to know (and finding out) every little detail about their relationship, which just tormented me even more.

You'll get over it more quickly if you keep your dignity, cut both of them out of your life and walk away. In time, she (and probably he) will regret what they've done and wish that they'd behaved like you.

I'm sorry that you're going through this though - it's utterly shit and I really feel for you Thanks

SoulofanAggron · 12/10/2020 14:42

I think the only way something like this is satisfying is if you message them and get everything you want to stay out of your system, then immediately block them.

That way you get the catharsis which can feel good, but without having to read any unpleasant comments anymore.

If you genuinely want more details from her, playing nice might be the way to get them, IDK. But would it really help?

Original poster
deesdeli · 12/10/2020 14:42

@category12
@ChaChaCha2012
Yes you are right.
It does not however take away the feeling of wanting to get revenge or hurt them in the same way that I have been hurt.
I would love to teach them a lesson to not do this to someone else.

It boils my blood knowing they have got away with this!

OP posts:
Whitehorsewaves · 12/10/2020 14:46

The reality is she didn't give a shit about you. You had what she wanted and took it. She just didn't care. It's actually quite simple.

OW on here will wring their hands with how much guilt they felt but if they were honest its only guilt in hindsight. It didn't occur to them at the time or actually stop them.

Later in life I'm learning to accept the fallacy of fairness. For years I'd rail against people's behaviour with 'how could they do that?' but the reality is that everyone's moral compass is different, especially when it comes to something they want that you have. There isn't a code or standard that all people live by, most people sail close to what they can get away with.

Accepting this has been quite liberating for me personally as it stops the negative anger spiral when I've been hurt by someone.

ramblingsonthego · 12/10/2020 14:46

The best revenge you can have is to live your best life, and show them they are welcome to each other and you don't need him. Easy to say and hard to do, I appreciate that, but it will be better for you in the long run.

What if you contact her and she tells you all the gory details about how amazing their relationship was and is (even if its a lie), how fabulous they are together and the reason he left you was xyz. It is going to make you hit rock bottom, feel like absolute shit and you won't get any closure from that. Get some counselling on your life and move on that way.

Original poster
deesdeli · 12/10/2020 14:47

Thank you
You are right. This is tormenting me as I probably know too much already.

From what I know this woman has had an affair with another married man so they still havent learnt their lesson. Pfff

OP posts:
QueenBlueberries · 12/10/2020 14:48

I think honestly that you should see a therapist and go through how you feel. Don't contact her for the reasons above. She will probably lie to you anyway.

I do get the rage and anger, and if not addressed it could affect any future relationships, even friendships. So I do think that if you can, find a good therapist to support you.

Purplecatshopaholic · 12/10/2020 14:58

I am another who has experienced this and is out the other side. My exh cheated and the ow knew about me and didn’t care. When I first found out I was so angry with them both, and especially her for knowing he was married and clearly not giving a shit. In the end I talked myself out of doing anything stupid, sat back and remained dignified! and divorced his sorry, cheating ass. They will both get their comeuppance in the end. As will yours. Life your best life op

seensome · 12/10/2020 15:17

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LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 12/10/2020 15:23

Your comment is disgusting, seensome, calling a woman a 'whore'?

OP... I know you're hurt by this, anybody would be but he wasn't taken, he went. He chose to do this to you and whilst the other woman is complicit in that, she doesn't have responsibility for what your partner did. If it hadn't been her, it would have been somebody else. Because he is a louse.

Please don't exact revenge, just do yourself a favour and stop tracking what she/he/they are now doing. It's akin to jabbing yourself with a sharp pin and wondering why it keeps hurting. Don't do it, for your sake. The hurt will pass, leave them to it.

ravenmum · 12/10/2020 15:30

I never contacted my exh's OW as I found out the details by reading his emails to her. He was telling her a load of bollocks. She thought our marriage was long dead, no sex, me a bitch, him the poor victim etc. From her answers it was clear that, although not a total fool, she believed it.
Doesn't mean it was OK for her to have an affair, obviously, but of the two of them, she had the slightly better excuse for her behaviour. He knew he was married, and he knew his story was bollocks.
Your OW is very likely to be in a similar situation, and no, you can't believe his story that she was the one who did the chasing.

Dery · 12/10/2020 15:31

"The best revenge you can have is to live your best life, and show them they are welcome to each other and you don't need him. Easy to say and hard to do, I appreciate that, but it will be better for you in the long run."

This.

Impossible as it is to imagine, there really will come a time when you will feel indifferent to both of them and peaceful about the whole thing.

In a completely different context, I ended up in a situation where I was for practically 18 months solid so furious with a particular set of people (each of whom had some power in my life at the time) that I literally felt I was losing my mind; I could feel my brain atrophying around my cement-like fury. The events in question took place approx. 4-5 years ago. However, within about 6 months of the situation having completely playing itself through, I was able to look back and see that - excruciating and ghastly as it had been at the time - everything had actually worked out for the best. I scarcely think about it now and, when I do, it is with a feeling of complete peace about what happened.

That will be you.

chunkyrun · 12/10/2020 15:31

You'll have last laugh op. She'll lose him same way she got him. You can sleep easy not worrying about someone disrespecting you and cheating on you. She can't say that. Why would any sane person want to be a in a relationship with someone so comfortable with lying. Done you a favour in the long run. Write down all the awful things you want to say then throw it away. Don't let them live rent free in your head

Dramalady52 · 12/10/2020 15:33

Been there too. Don't contact her as PPs have said. Walk away with your head high and know that your revenge will be that they will never be sure of each other and make each other very unhappy. I occasionally see my ex when there is an event regarding our shared children, he looks so tired and ill, overweight, etc, I know he's unhappy and that he cocked up, but he made his bed etc. Meanwhile, I've moved on and living my best life. You can too.

Stilllightingcandles1 · 12/10/2020 15:34

I read something that really stick with me about a different situation I was in but where I was also very angry and wanting to do something about it.

“ I sat with my anger long enough to realise it was grief”

I recommend head held high , no contact with either of them and counselling. Good luck.

ravenmum · 12/10/2020 15:35

Even if you do contact her, you will not know any better than now what the truth is. If she tells a different story, who's the liar? I found out the truth, but it didn't give me closure: it was shit. Therapy helped me get over it.
If she's been told you're the crazy/bitchy/horrible ex, your venting will confirm it for her.

Original poster
deesdeli · 12/10/2020 15:38

I read their emails and messages to each other.
She was definitely chasing. Some of her flirtatious messages were vile! It always takes two to tango I think

OP posts:
Original poster
deesdeli · 12/10/2020 15:40

OMG what you are describing is how I am feeling right now! I am in turmoil constantly and living in anxiety thinking about the whole year of lies and deceit

OP posts:
thelegohooverer · 12/10/2020 15:45

The way I see it is that when you get together with someone you take a gamble that he isn’t a pathetic loser. But she actually went out of her way to pair up with someone who, by the very act of taking an interest in her, proved himself the type of loser than anyone with a modicum of sense would avoid.

Your way of thinking about her is giving her massive power in your psyche, but if you think about it, she isn’t the winner here. What did she gain? A man who is beneath your contempt? A liar and a cheat? A coward?

Right now, it may give you some measure of relief to think of her as beneath your contempt. It’s a better way to channel that anger, because what you’re doing now is actively hurting yourself.

In time, you might even find yourself wondering why she would be seeking out the dregs of the dating world, and maybe even finding some compassion for her. But for now you need to turn your anger in a direction that it isn’t destroying you.

ravenmum · 12/10/2020 15:45

Is she still with him?
My exh went off with his, but it didn't last. I'm pretty sure she regrets wasting her time on him.
My therapist told me that many people end up seeing the good that came out of what seemed a purely negative situation. That's definitely been the case for me.

TheWindowDonkey · 12/10/2020 15:47

He will have /will be lying to her too. About how dead your relationship was/how you didnt love him any more yadda yadda. I can understand your ire towards her completely, but his role in this is the worst of the two. Its him you were married to.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 12/10/2020 15:49

deesdeli, I'm trying to help you cut short your grief here but it probably won't feel like it. What SHE did/said is irrelevant really. If HE would have loved you, respected you, she could have run naked into his arms and he would have rejected her. Because he loved you. He didn't and doesn't.

Why is your anger levelled so much at HER when he's the one who could have prevented ALL of this from happening. Could have prevented all of your hurt. He was your partner and disrespected you hugely.

Congratulate yourself that you don't have him in your life anymore. I do like the notion of 'not letting them live rent-free in your head'.

Do you have friends in RL who can take you out of yourself for a bit? Distract you with nicer things?

SBTLove · 12/10/2020 15:51

She might have been chasing but he’s the one that let himself be caught. Direct your anger at him, he chose to cheat and be unfaithful, he made that choice.