The other woman

[deesdeli]

I'd like the views of others who have experienced a similar situation...

I am recovering from finding out about my exes infidelity with the same woman for over a year.

Whilst I have got rid of him and given him the sh*t he deserved I am now left with unbelievable rage towards the other woman.

The other woman was fully aware he was in a relationship and actively pursued him again and again....I cannot believe a word he says and suspect there is a lot more the to story he hasnt told me so I am tempted to contact her to find out the truth and to vent on her.

I cannot believe that women can behave like this towards another woman and I suppose I am trying to find closure to this horrible chapter .

You have to ask why is it vile?
I think there’s something missing in you if you think any of that is acceptable. I pity your DC having you as a moral compass.
Disgusting.

You'll never get the full pictures. Both your other half and the other woman will try to either minimise or to blame each other.

Say good riddance to bad rubbish and put all of your energy into the next chapter of your life.

@SBTLove
You pity my children?
Because I reported someone who broke their professional code of conduct to have an affair with a patient, and that caused her to lose her job?
Or you pity the patients who would have been taken advantage of my someone with an actual lack of moral compass if she had carried on practicing?

Given you know practically nothing about the back story, how about your stop with the hyperbole?
Although your hysteria is admirable

@deesdeli
Nope, not joking

This is a woman who had an affair with a man she knew was married with young children, then asked him to relocate to another part of the country to ‘start afresh’ without his children, stalked me when she was with him, and him when he finished with her.

I’m glad she got a partial comeuppance and hope her shitty behaviour has impacted her life even a fraction of the amount it impacted my poor family

@tenbob

No one needs to know the back story. The job is one thing, if true. What you have done is commit illegal acts of harassment, you have systematically tried to destroy someone from the inside out. It is very, very wrong. And if you can't see that then shame on you.

@tenbob

I am fully expecting a flaming, but I got full on revenge on OW and it felt wonderful. But I had to bide my time and not do anything for months so she wouldn’t be able to trace it back to me (and therefore report me for harassment).

But without going into details, I got her sacked from 2 jobs, got the RSPCA to take away the puppy she had bought herself to cheer herself up after the ‘heartbreak’ of losing her ‘soulmate’ and sabotaged the sale of her flat which in turn meant she lost out on a new flat she had her heart set on.

It helps a lot that she has an open Twitter and Instagram account and is a huge oversharer because she has gifted me some of these opportunities to fuck her life over a bit.

But I absolutely wouldn’t recommend phoning up and ranting, smashing windows or any classic ‘crazy bitch’ behaviour.

But I would like to think she thinks that karma has caught up with her after a disastrous 18 months and has had a long think about her behaviour

What did you do to your husband?

@deesdeli
Nope, nothing illegal

Harassment is something that causes alarm and distress.
Making legitimate reports to authorities of her law-breaking is nothing more than being a good upstanding citizen

And it isn’t a crime to put an offer in on a flat and then change your mind at the last minute.

Why all the sympathy for OW?
Are you someone that cheats and wrecks families?

[quote tenbob]@SBTLove
You pity my children?
Because I reported someone who broke their professional code of conduct to have an affair with a patient, and that caused her to lose her job?
Or you pity the patients who would have been taken advantage of my someone with an actual lack of moral compass if she had carried on practicing?

Given you know practically nothing about the back story, how about your stop with the hyperbole?
Although your hysteria is admirable[/quote]
You weren't motivated by concern for the patients.

As much as I could without impacting on my DCs (ie couldn’t get him sacked without it meaning they would go without)

@tenbob

No. I'm not someone who has ever has had a affair with a man who was in a relationship. I have been cheated on twice by the same man but I feel ill at the thought of doing anything like you have done. I had a beautiful neice who committed suicide after being bullied. And I don't like bullying. I don't abide it. What you have done is disgusting. And you have no right to screw around with someone else's life like that. The fact you're proud of it makes it even worse. Good for you. You made the world even worse than it already is.

Correct
But why on earth would I be motivated to give a leg up to someone who had taken away the home, stability and future for my children?
There was a gift horse opportunity to make sure her life was negatively impacted by her poor choices and total lack of moral compass, I took it and I don’t regret a second of it.
Nothing illegal and potentially helping other people in the process by depriving her of the opportunity to do the same to others.

OP, I don’t want this to be a hijack but wanted to offer a different perspective - sometimes revenge does help..!

“ And you have no right to screw around with someone else's life like that.”

Eh?
This wasn’t some random person. This was a person that absolutely screwed up my life. She had no right to screw around with my life, let alone that of my children but she did anyway. Reap what you sow and all that...

And amazing that you bring up suicide, because she was a counsellor who my husband went to see after the suicide of a close relative, and who was on the brink of suicide himself before she convinced him that his family was the root cause of his unhappiness and within 3 months, had persuaded him to start a new life 200 miles away from his kids.

So do I care that it didn’t work out for her? Not a fucking jot

@tenbob

I am fully expecting a flaming, but I got full on revenge on OW and it felt wonderful. But I had to bide my time and not do anything for months so she wouldn’t be able to trace it back to me (and therefore report me for harassment).

But without going into details, I got her sacked from 2 jobs, got the RSPCA to take away the puppy she had bought herself to cheer herself up after the ‘heartbreak’ of losing her ‘soulmate’ and sabotaged the sale of her flat which in turn meant she lost out on a new flat she had her heart set on.

It helps a lot that she has an open Twitter and Instagram account and is a huge oversharer because she has gifted me some of these opportunities to fuck her life over a bit.

But I absolutely wouldn’t recommend phoning up and ranting, smashing windows or any classic ‘crazy bitch’ behaviour.

But I would like to think she thinks that karma has caught up with her after a disastrous 18 months and has had a long think about her behaviour

What did the puppy do wrong? What did you say to the RSPCA?

Your actions were abhorrent. It was your husband who caused your situation. Not the OW who had the misfortune of developing feelings for him. He was to blame entirely for it. Your meddling in her life is harassment and she could very well have reported you to the police had she had evidence of what you did.

@tenbob

No it was your cheating husband who screwed up your life. And all your information is coming from the same cheat of a husband. It's as reliable as he is. There is something very wrong with the actions that you have taken. If you can't see that, I have nothing to say to you.

I didn’t want this thread to be derailed so am ducking out now, but thanks to all the Pearl clutchers

[quote User5688456333]@tenbob

No it was your cheating husband who screwed up your life. And all your information is coming from the same cheat of a husband. It's as reliable as he is. There is something very wrong with the actions that you have taken. If you can't see that, I have nothing to say to you.[/quote]
No, I got this from seeing every message sent between them, not from him.

My cheating husband was very much to blame but so was the person who abused their position of power and break all their professional obligations.

He knew the consequences of cheating on his marriage, just like she knew the consequences on her career so I can’t understand why anyone would stick up for her right to carry on working, any more than someone would defend the right of a teacher to carry on working after having an affair with a pupil.

Ironically, it was my own therapist who encouraged me to report her...

The puppy has been rehomed and is probably much much happier now, for those who were worried

tenbob are you still with your husband?

@tenbob

I didn’t want this thread to be derailed so am ducking out now, but thanks to all the Pearl clutchers

Convenient timing. Your actions were not those of a decent person. The saddest part is, you won’t recognise that until the guilt eventually creeps up on you late at night, possibly 5 - 10 years from now (but I guarantee you, it will come eventually.)

@tenbob

As I said before the job was one thing, that's your call. The rest is vile, and quite frankly pathetic. And if that's who you want to be. I don't actually give a damn. But you're not a role model for me. I'm going to get through this and still have my dignity . I'm not changing myself into a bitter, revenge seeking woman for any man. I won't be commenting again.

Sounds like she believe her innocent husband was stolen and led astray, wonder if they’re back together 🙄

@ShebaShimmyShake

There's honestly nothing to resolve with the OW. What she did was dishonourable, but neither she nor any woman in the world could have done anything to your relationship if the other person in it, the one who pledged himself to you, hadn't broken his commitment. It really is 100% on him. She could shag anyone in the world, it's nothing to you unless he decides he will be the one this time. If he had propositioned her with the full intention of cheating, and the only reason he hadn't was because she'd said no, he'd still have betrayed you.

You just can't expect the rest of the world to be gatekeeper to your relationship and your partner's commitment. It's entirely on the two of you.

But you really have nothing to feel humiliated about. You've done nothing wrong. Don't project his shame on to women, her or yourself. Some people cheat because there are cracks in the relationship, some cheat because they're being abused, some cheat because they're selfish tail-chasing fuckers...they're just not all the same and no one narrative is going to cover them all. But if you know you always did right by him, and certainly it sounds as though you did, you have nothing to feel humiliated about and nothing to be ashamed of.

I do hope you find peace and healing and a man who makes you happy.

Fantastic post, ShebaShimmyShake.

There is absolutely no need for cheated on wives to be so defensive about their relationships. Nobody is perfect, nobody is happy all the time - what should be an absolute though is that your husband/wife has forsaken all others... they agreed to that and if they break that covenant then it's entirely on them.

Not you for not servicing his/her every need, and not the OW/OM who is really peripheral to this and of little consequence really.

Posters on these threads always say that people should leave their marriages if they're not happy. I think they know deep down that, if it would be easy (in terms of settlijng finance and child access) then many more would actually do just that. It isn't easy. It doesn't mean that the narrative of 'he was happy' is correct but whether he was or his wasn't, he didn't love his wife enough not to cheat. There's just no skirting around that.

The person who has the control is the one who made the vows/declares exclusivity. Only them. Nobody can take them or make them do anything and with that in mind, you can safely set aside any thoughts that anything you think you could have/should have done, are moot and you're being hard on yourself. This was not on you, OP, this was on HIM.

You say that you've punished him. If he is in any way a decent person then, if he has lost you, he will get to a point where he kicks himself when the realisation of what he has lost, hits him.

OW are not the sourge of the devil either; like anybody else they make poor choices and this one happens to be 'blue touchpaper'. Some of us make this horrendously selfish decision once, feel remorse and never do it again. I certainly feel remorseful still, after many years and it's never left me. Probably why I find myself on these threads.

I wish you peace, OP, you and every other poster who is coming to terms with this awful situation.

@ShebaShimmyShake

Unlike his previous partners I suspect I am the least crazy and maybe the reason he decided to form a long term relationship with me rather than them.

Sending you that card when you miscarried was really wicked and she sounds awful. But this comment still disturbs me. Your husband actually said to you when your first child was born that you must feel great to have the one thing she wanted and couldn't have, which strikes me as weird. I can't help but wonder if he said anything nasty to her along those lines. It absolutely wouldn't excuse her sending that card but it would suggest that your husband might not have been a saint to her either.

I missed this one. AngryMum, your husband actually doesn't sound very nice at all. He was cheated on by this woman... and he's now cheated on you? Is that right?

The card thing above is just horrible - him and her. Her I could actually understand, fertility issues are soul destroying but, what the hell is HIS excuse?

Your posts are all about blaming the OW when you have a lying louse of a husband and you choose to stand by him. That's your call. Your comment about a husband having carte blanche to walk out the door easier next time must be something that you must worry about a lot.

I don't think there are ever cases of 100% 'lovely wives' and 100% 'devil OW' with 100% 'silly husbands who don't know better' and that's what this thread smacks of to me reading the latter posts. People are flawed and they make bad decisions sometimes.

Perhaps I should explain that if DH leaves it will have no financial impact on me. I have always had the luxury of being with him because I wanted to be with him.
I was aware he was friends with the OW, he was upfront about it before it all started, but as it had been over 30 yrs since they had been gf/bf I didn’t really think it was a problem. He is old school and didn’t/doesn’t get that flirting online is now classified as an EA, he does now. Texting and emailing is not his preferred mode of contact. He admitted he was out of his depth and is now having to deal with a hornets nest.
We did have cracks in the relationship, menopause and the stress of selling a business (it took 12 very long months). DH had suffered MH issues before he decided to retire. It was my business so I was the stressed out one. I have a stressful job and he was very supportive of me slowing down so I could enjoy life. We both lost parents at an early age and didn’t want to lose out on retirement.
This year was going to be a year of relaxing and starting to enjoy our retirement, he took early retirement a few years ago and I am semi retired. All was going well until lockdown, boredom set in and things just happened. I fully blame him. We actually had a very relaxing lockdown and family life was far more relaxed than I expected, but as other PP have pointed out sometimes shit just happens. Our marriage is still solid but trust is going to be an issue.
We have been through so much together, multiple miscarriages and drawn out fertility problems. Bereavement and health issues so we are not strangers to problems.
Although I am very hurt, we have worked hard to talk it through, he has actually encouraged me to talk which I was surprised about. However he has talked as well about some unresolved issues. I do think we are in a much better place but we now have a bit of a stalker situation. Ho hum. I’m sure we’ll get there.
My anger really stems from the fact that OW contacted him first. She didn’t seem a threat from her Facebook profile. Lots of family photos, married status. Nothing to suggest she was after anything but friendship. I have a number of old flames on Facebook but never entertained anything more than friendship. Appearances are obviously deceptive. It appears she is recently separated and I can only think she has taken the lazy route and has assumed that DH has spent the last 30+ carrying a torch for her. Or maybe she wanted an instant relationship to wind up her exh. Who knows?

Sorry not sure where all that came from. Sorry Op.