The other woman

[deesdeli]

I'd like the views of others who have experienced a similar situation...

I am recovering from finding out about my exes infidelity with the same woman for over a year.

Whilst I have got rid of him and given him the sh*t he deserved I am now left with unbelievable rage towards the other woman.

The other woman was fully aware he was in a relationship and actively pursued him again and again....I cannot believe a word he says and suspect there is a lot more the to story he hasnt told me so I am tempted to contact her to find out the truth and to vent on her.

I cannot believe that women can behave like this towards another woman and I suppose I am trying to find closure to this horrible chapter .

@User5688456333
I totally understand how you are feeling.
I hope you find a way to recover soon.
What I am learning is that hate actually destroys yourself and not the other person.

Is not with focussing your anger on her, she doesn’t deserve it and it will only make you feel worse.
Block her from social media etc so you can’t see

@deesdeli

I've always liked that saying "bitterness is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die". I'm the only one still hurting. I'm the only one still even remembering. That's been made clear.

We do need to find a way out of this place that we have landed in, because we are just hurting ourselves. It's bloody hard though. I'm sitting crying now.... I don't know why? What about it all hurts a person to that level? I don't know if I really understand it. But I'm going to try and sort myself ... Somehow. Thank you.

I understand the anger but in all honesty the OW owes you nothing. In most cases she does not know you, see you, care about you. She is focused on getting her needs met whether that be an ego boost, validation, feeling superior to the wife. Where the OW is known to you (friend, relative), you have every right to contact her. Even then it should be to state your mind and not to ask for clarity on anything surrounding their relationship.

A poster has stated your dh owed it to you to turn away even if the OW ran naked into his arms. I agree. He was the one with you. My dh did the same. He had a choice to cheat or not to cheat. Nobody held a gun to his head. I justified and minimised his actions as I was so desperate to make it work. Once I knew I wanted out, there was no need to pretend anymore - I was free from the exhaustion, pain, turmoil, anxiety, confusion. I saw his actions for what they were; selfish, impulsive, greedy and entitled. I now see my dh had a lot of selfish ways that I overlooked.

I am now having the best time of my life!

ravenmum, Yes I've made that point on other threads before, I make it on every thread that it crops up on because - and I don't mean to call you silly - if somebody uses the term 'stolen', 'taken' or similar, it implies that the OW has an awful lot of power (not true). It also excuses the actual partner's behaviour towards the person that he/she supposedly loves. That's what I mean by it.

Coronaisshit, What kind of man fucks another woman in his wife/partner's home? Is that what you meant as well? No. Didn't think so. You might think that your responses are supportive but, in my opinion they're not. As you say, I was an OW. I've not made a secret of it and have used that experience to the good. It's not something I would ever repeat again.

Nor would I call women by the names that you seem at home with. So I'll leave it there. I'm fussy about the company I keep.

====

deesedeli, Your head must be in a complete whirl and I understand that exactly. I've been on both sides and I came to the same realisation as you when I was cheated on. It's the reason why I don't subscribe to the nonsense of 'karma' and why I put the responsibility firmly on the cheater because the cheater had all the power not to do it. It's bloody tough to get through it but you will.

I think this is what you referring to about hate actually destroying you... it's a great quote and I refer to it often:
“Before you embark on a journey of revenge, dig two graves,”, it's attributed to Confusius.

Cut them both loose and free yourself, is what I read into that.

Take care

I think I'm probably lucky in that my pride would stop me ever giving OW the time of day, however much I wanted to vent my rage. I seem to have an inbuilt 'fuck you' response to those who wrong me so I tend to use my anger to motivate myself to move on to better things rather than getting bogged down in any kind of revenge. People who treat others like shit tend to end up on their own (or with equally shit people at least) so I content myself with that knowledge and use my energy on myself. I honestly don't think any good can come from contacting her OP, concentrate on yourself and better times ahead instead of wasting your energy on people who don't deserve it

Oh I’m in a similar situation and while I fully blame my husband, like you, the OW has form and actively pursued him. I fully intend, at some point in the future to confront her. But I’m bidding my time. Yes she’s pathetic, yes I should perhaps be the bigger person, but I’m not!

I think you need to focus your anger on your ex who was perfectly happy to manipulate and lie to two women for his own gain. You also need to be kind to yourself. The only person who suffers because of your rage is you.

I rang the OW after a while and I didn't swear or name call or shout, just checked she knew he was married (yes), said going with someone they knew was married was a disgusting thing to do and that she was welcome to him and then hung up. In the moment I felt great and dignified but she spun it very differently to the ex.

In the end I think it further justified to them that I was a hysterical psycho and made them feel slightly better about what they had done.

Don't do it - just wait. It will fade, it WILL. I know I didn't believe that when I was in your situation. It's been 10 years now and it crosses my mind and has certainly affected me and my relationships going forward but I am stronger.

It can't be undone, but it was his fuck up, not yours. Stay firmly on the high ground and leave them in the ditch.

Just DONT do it .
You will prolong your pain . She won't give a shit and you'll feel worse .
Walk away and become a stronger happier woman . That's revenge enough . Embrace your happiness .

User5688456333

You are not alone in how you feel.
I have cried alone A LOT. My rage partly stems from this knowing that I am left to pick up the pieces whilst my ex and the OW are not feeling one ounce of pain. It seems so unfair but I have comfort in knowing that both will get what they deserve. People cannot go around treating others like this without feeling the repercussions.

You will get better with time. Remain strong. x

OP don't give her the satisfaction. I've been there and I did some things that make me cringe looking back now.

In my case the OW knew me, we even met her socially and I knew her mother (who was mortified when she found out).

Someone who is prepared to do that will not feel the slightest bit of remorse. You might feel a bit better at the time but I can assure you it doesn't last and it won't bother her.

As others have said concentrate on yourself. It's only natural to want to lash out and you can't just turn off your love for someone (although EX-h seemed to manage it!) so your instinct can be to blame OW more than your ex. It's only with time when you can look more dispassionately at what has happened and realise that you are better off without him that you will be glad you also kept your dignity intact!

We don't owe strangers anything, the ow owes you nothing. OK then, so why are we all being told we owe it to the vulnere to fuck up the economy and put our lives on hold for an indeterminate time? If I don't know anyone elderly or vnerable is it OK for me to just go out, not wear a mask, cough over people? They're strangers yes, so I can knowingly harm them? I don't believe in any kind of sisterhood but I do believe that we owe other human beings basic respect and not do something deliberately we know will cause serious harm, especially to children. And it's perfectly OK to hate that person for as much or as long as one needs to. I loathe the word 'bitter'. It's gaslighting. My ex and ow started some years ago. I don't care that he left me and the marriage is over, but my dd cried today because she misses her dad. So I'm angry today, years on, because it's not in the past for her, she will never have a childhood with both her parents. Now, in the future, ever. And thars partly because of ow.

You walk away with your head held high with self respect and leave her with the knowledge that once he's a cheat always a cheat, she'll have that doubt forever now well done you for kicking him out, good luck!!

I messaged the OW when I found out. It was an EA and they never met up. She was an ancient ex from way before my time who has recently split up with her DH after a very long marriage. I suspect she saw DH as an easy option. I messaged her since not once did he mention me in their conversations.
Interestingly her response was very telling. She blamed the whole situation on me and goaded him into staying in touch. I am still undecided whether to continue in our marriage, he has gone none contact but she is doing her best to engage with him again.
She has now started to stalk him which is a little worrying. She is not local and never has been so her travelling to this area is a bit uncomfortable. DH is a bit freaked out by the situation but it’s his shit to sort out.
However should he ask I’d quite happily drop her in it with her family. Social media works both ways I’m afraid.

I have no personal experience of this (for which I am incredibly lucky and grateful) but I think the PP's are right- you won't end up getting what you want.

I had a very close friend for many years (thankfully I realised how toxic she was and have no contact anymore) who had absolutely no qualms about being the other woman. In fact she seemed to find it easier; no need for full emotional commitment.

She was borderline sociopathic I believe- an almost complete inability to empathise with others. She would have affair after affair with married men and completely blame the wives for not being good enough to keep their husband happy.

From what I hear (her ex DH is still very close friends with my DH) she's now in the process of ending her fourth marriage, having completely ghosted each set of friends from her previous "lives" (no longer speaks to anyone connected to her past, including the fathers of her children except through court orders) as well as having cut all ties with all of her family members. She blogs incessantly and even goes so far as to remove people from photographs and rewrite factual historical situations but without them in it (?!) which is very odd indeed.

I have no doubt that this pattern will continue this for the rest of her life, and although it is a cliche, she really truly will never be happy.

OW, by the nature of what they do, have no moral compass so you having a rant at her won’t bother her one bit. They have no conscience and are lacking in any kind of empathy. She will twist what you say and do just for the drama. Hold your head high and, as someone else said, live your best life. It will be hard, and you’ll probably have many more nights and days of crying ahead of you, but you will make it out the other side and find a different path to tread.

@seensome - the point about misogyny is that is diminishes all women, not just the women you don't like and therefore think it's OK to verbally abuse. You call any woman a 'whore' and you're saying it's OK for women to be judged as sexual objects and abused for not living up to male standards, and that lessens us all.

@NameChange9824 I'm not, you are

Why is it always a woman's fault? Why are women always responsible for the shit men do? Some of the responses on this thread are vile

OP, if a man cheats, it's squarely on him. The OW is a stranger to you and doesn't owe you anything. She was following her own desire/heart and it was up to him to shut it down - he made a choice not to.

If there's cheating in a relationship then there is something fundamentally wrong at the core of that relationship or within the cheater themselves. Outside parties are inconsequential, and if it hadn't been this particular OW then it would have been someone else.
Focus yourself on healing and on rebuilding. Don't waste your energy on bitterness towards someone who doesn't matter and who isn't responsible for the break down of your relationship.

@Brazenhussy0
Spot on, I said similar earlier but this thread is awash with bitter nasty women (first wives possibly) who think men are led astray 🙄

[quote SBTLove]@Brazenhussy0
Spot on, I said similar earlier but this thread is awash with bitter nasty women (first wives possibly) who think men are led astray 🙄[/quote]
I suspect this blame shifting onto the OW is a coping mechanism to avoid having to face the reality that either:

1. The relationship was having difficulties (some of which may well have been due to both people in the relationship - not just the cheater.)

or

1. The man was a bit of a shit really (i.e. in the case of serial cheaters). This leaves the cheated on partner feeling like they made a bad choice in the partner selection process and were taken for a fool. That feeling of deep humiliation can drive some serious anger outwards.

Both of these potential causes for the breakdown require some soul searching and accepting personal responsibility for any part we may have played in the failure of the relationship. A lot of people aren't willing to deal with those emotions, so they turn it outwards and direct it at the OW (or the OM). But the true healing won't come until the cheated on partner does that soul searching and looks inward instead.

Only a OW would refer to first wives as nasty and bitter. If you are judging from the position of second wife beware. Once a man knows the way out of the door he won’t bother making an effort for a second time. Marriage is no longer an institution.

Anger isn't always rational. "First wives" being bitter and nasty is not a kind way to describe people either, is it? . It's not the other woman's fault. But they aren't entirely innocent either , when they know the man is married , sometimes with children .... But it is themselves they have to live with, I have enough anger without that. Threads about affairs always lead to strong feelings because it hurts. It hurts a lot.

@Angrymum22

Only a OW would refer to first wives as nasty and bitter. If you are judging from the position of second wife beware. Once a man knows the way out of the door he won’t bother making an effort for a second time. Marriage is no longer an institution.

Not really. I think the nastiness and bitterness shines through clearly to everyone when we're calling other women 'whores' for the crime of having sex. It's not only second wives who are capable of seeing that - however, it does usually come from cheated on partners/first wives.

Aside from the cases of serial cheaters, it is not a given that a cheater will go on to cheat in their next relationship. This is particularly true if the cheating arose as a result of issues within that original relationship. (That's not an excuse for cheating of course, but it does mean it is unlikely to happen in future relationships.)