The other woman

[deesdeli]

I'd like the views of others who have experienced a similar situation...

I am recovering from finding out about my exes infidelity with the same woman for over a year.

Whilst I have got rid of him and given him the sh*t he deserved I am now left with unbelievable rage towards the other woman.

The other woman was fully aware he was in a relationship and actively pursued him again and again....I cannot believe a word he says and suspect there is a lot more the to story he hasnt told me so I am tempted to contact her to find out the truth and to vent on her.

I cannot believe that women can behave like this towards another woman and I suppose I am trying to find closure to this horrible chapter .

I'm in a similar position. My ex best mate had an emotional affair with my husband which turned physical. She actively persue him.

Basically now she has very few friends as most are so disgusted by her they have turned their back.

She has got her comeuppance. She is scum

Haven't read the full thread, but I totally get where you're coming from. I have recently gone through a similar situation, I hated the other woman. I did message her and she replied being pretty nasty to be honest. Lots of threats about police involvement etc.

Fast forward a few weeks I received an apology from her and we chatted and turns out we had both been played massively by him. She was actually a really nice girl, quite a bit younger than me but the story I had been told was very different than the one she told me, as was the story I told her. We both had a lucky escape. x

@Angrymum22
Nope, no experience but seen enough of MN and how the first wife can do no wrong and is sainted and here it’s the poor wee man led astray, any subsequent partner no matter how they met is the worst, it’s such a tired narrative on MN.

OP I am with you. You are totally allowed to be angry at OW and husband. You have punished your husband but you still have anger at OW. I get you and feel your pain.

This woman chased your husband and didn’t care about how much this hurt you.

I think you should vent here and with friend about her. Let the anger out. And then feel sorry for her. How pathetic to be that insecure you would rather chase a married man than be single. What kind of person gets off on causing all this pain.

Remember getting in touch with her will give her endless satisfaction.

I have so much admiration that you have cut out your husband. You will recover from this and be back stronger and happier. Good luck

Revenge is a dish best served very cold.
I wouldnt do anything for a very long time. Focus on rebuilding your life and putting yourself first.
Then see how you feel. You probably wont care about the silly bitch by then.

Anger is probably the only emotion that keeps you going through the fallout of an affair. It stops you falling apart. Some women do act on it but most just let it drive them forward through incredibly distressing times.
It is often referred to as “their true colours” which is very unfair. Anyone whose world falls apart for whatever reason will understand the desperation to make sense or lay blame. When you lose your husband suddenly to an OW the shock is incredible. Read some of the threads on here. Often there are no signs, your DH is loving and attentive, a good parent and provider, then suddenly it’s all a lie.
Until you are in the position of the OP you can’t possibly understand.
I thought that I would be able to just bin DH and move on if it happened to me. I couldn’t believe my irrational response and the overwhelming waves of emotion. Trying to deal with it while appearing calm and lucid in front of DC was very difficult.
I agree that the man is to blame but it wouldn’t happen if OW refused their attention.

@deesdeli

I read their emails and messages to each other. She was definitely chasing. Some of her flirtatious messages were vile! It always takes two to tango I think

The way I always look at it is that YES, it absolutely takes two to tango as you put it, but your relationship is the responsibility of him, not her. Obviously I'm not saying we're all free to just go and shag married men, but it's HIM who should have had more respect for you, and him who should have kept it in his pants.

I think perhaps counselling might help, as others have suggested.

I'm not in the same situation, but sort of, with my DP and a woman who tried to get with him while he was with me. It didn't happen because he told her no and blocked her on everything, but the anger I feel towards her is unreal. So as much as I'm saying your anger should be directed at him - I absolutely feel you.

@seensome - whatever. Be unpleasant if you want, but you're not immune from the misogynistic culture you're creating.

@Angrymum22
When you lose your husband suddenly to an OW the shock is incredible
Lose? he left his wife, he didn’t wander away and get stolen 🙄
I think a lot of women kid themselves it was a complete shock, everything was perfect, if they had a good look they’d see the cracks.
Also, many a time the OW doesn’t even know he’s married or finds out down the road,many of these men are liars and manipulators.
Or it can be as simple as they met the right person at the wrong time and decide that’s what they really want, selfish as it may seem.

@Brazenhussy0 I'm with you about not calling OW whores, it's out of order. But no need to push it back onto the wives. Even if you are a shit wife, that shouldn't be a pass to cheat.

And I used to feel like you, that the OW was blameless, but they aren't. Of course the cheat should resist any and all come ons but going after married men isn't defensible. Relationships aren't court and laws. They are messy and imagining your H and her laughing at you while they fuck i really challenge you to rise completely above and find her blameless and deserving of zero anger.

You can’t steal someone that doesn’t want to be stolen! It happened to me OP and I was raging at the OW’s. I had all sorts of thoughts of revenge. He did admit that everything he told them was lies. He told them we weren’t really a couple, just staying together for the kids, he told them we had an open relationship and I was seeing other men too !. They were as much victims as I was. Over time my anger subsided and I am so relieved I didn’t do anything rash. I walked away with my dignity!. Your DP probably told her all manner of BS about you. As other PP have said he is the responsible one not her. She’s really inconsequential. If it wasn’t her it would have been someone else. Don’t waste your precious energy on either of them. Go build that great life you deserve. I did. He did me a huge favour!

And similarly to disbelieving 'once a cheat, always a cheat' , i also disbelieve 'if it wasn't her, it would have been someone else'.

I hear you OP.

I’ve been in a similar situation and did send a message to the OW telling her that I actually pitied her as in my view anyone who pursues a married person is lacking moral fibre. I knew she wasn’t the most stable of people anyway so made it clear that rather than pursue married men (and it really was a pursuit....endless messages from her) she might like to spend some time sorting herself out.

I needed to have my say. I had kept quiet for ages. In the end I thought ‘Fuck it’. However I blocked her straight afterwards because I didn’t want a response and didn’t want a conversation. Just needed to have the last word.

I get your rage, it will subside eventually but it does take time. I know I could never pursue a man in a relationship myself and don’t understand anyone who does.

@deesdeli

You started this thread because you were hurting and angry and yet.... You managed to take time out of your day to try and make ME feel better. You're a kind person. Don't let them take that away from you. And don't let anyone else in this thread do that either. You have every bloody right to be be angry, you really do.... But don't let it take more of your life than it needs to. You have lost a lot more than a relationship and I think it's a difficult thing to fully understand until you've been through it. I know I didn't fully understand it anyway.

I'm starting to look at my problem as "anger" and not the issues that created it. You have helped me today. Thank you.

But it IS selfish to decide that despite previous commitments, especially having children, actually you've now met 'the one`. It might be easier to have sympathy if these men didn't just dump all the family stuff on the wife and run off to play out their mid life crisis and live like a 20 something again. You just don't get to do that and not be a selfish shit. There comes a point when you have to lie in the bed you made, grow the fuck up and own your choices. Those of you saying that us 'bitter first wives' are lying to ourselves are ignoring the fact that marriage isn't meant to be perfect, it will go through rough times, boring times, grinding through it times, but you're both meant to dig in and get through it, not run off after the shiny thing. I know some women do it too but let's face it, very few do, and even fewer leave their kids behind. It's also true, as a number of posters on here who work as counsellors have said, that men very rarely leave without somewhere to go.

SBTLove no he didn’t leave, he cheated and was found out. I’m talking about the emotional loss when you find out that you have been cheated on. The loss of trust. The loss of everything you believed you had with that person.
I’m not sure you have much experience in life and love. Right person, wrong time is very Mills & Boon, they are not looking for the love of their life they are looking for an uncomplicated shag. Sex is much more exciting when you don’t have children to put to bed, a sink full of dishes to wash and the rubbish to put out before you can even think about getting your leg over. Men are simple creatures, lust comes way before love in a relationship.

I also, don't believe that 'if you look closely, the cracks will have been there'. Untrue. I have the misfortune to know of many men who have happy marriages that they would hate to leave but cheat when working away or on nights out, or just for a thrill/sex/ego boost. It only catches up if they are found out or think they are in love.

Your Husband is to blame. 100%

@LyingWitchInTheWardrobe

Do you know what? People who are so silly as to believe that another person can be stolen, actually deserve for their partner to go... and they do.

You CANNOT own another person. Even if you marry them, they are not 'taken' unless they agree that they are. They are sentient beings with free will and it is that free will that they will use to resist these tempters/temptresses - or not.

I fully expect a numbskull to come on and bleat about 'karma', without troubling a brain cell to wonder if someone would then ponder what they'd done wrong then to bring this situation on themselves.

This board used to be less woo-woo about everything and was better for it.

Sorry OP, I know how you feel, you're venting. I hope you're getting some good RL support and commonsense.

@LyingWitchInTheWardrobe 👏👏👏👏

@Angrymum22
Not much experience 🤣 aye ok says you
Divorced with a lovely new(ish) DP.
You have your outlook which is coloured from your experience but I do know ppl who had affairs and were miserable in their marriage (yes they should have waited until they were divorced) met someone and are still together longer than the marriage was, so not always lust. Not all men are
your ex.

@MostTacticalNameChange
just for a thrill/sex/ego boost that’s not the behaviour of a truly happily married person is it?

Tremendously unpopular opinion here I'm sure, and I speak as someone who has gone through a divorce, however your vitriol for the other woman is palpable.
The OW doesn't owe you anything, your cheating husband does. He broke your vows, he engaged in behaviour disrespectful to your marriage.
I personally believe from my own and friends experiences that if you take a moment and think carefully this won't have come from left field and there will have been cracks in your relationship. An affair is a symptom of a marriage breaking down that had issues already.
I just don't buy the we were amazing and happy and the OW ruined it.

Been there too OP. Rage to your friends. Write it down. Imagine all the horrible things you can do to her. But don't do it! Honestly this will pass.

Won't be easy and it won't be quick and then one day you wake up and guess what .... you don't give a fuck! Don't lower yourself do contact her or create a shit storm. Hold your head high and with dignity. Easier said than done I know. But you can do it!

You will never ever get the answers you want as soon as you can accept that, it's the first step to healing.

Although I've got to admit it has taken me 5 years. :(

It was a 20 year marriage though.

I feel for you OP, a horrendous time.

[quote SBTLove]@MostTacticalNameChange
just for a thrill/sex/ego boost that’s not the behaviour of a truly happily married person is it?[/quote]
Yeah, I think it can be. They don't want to leave their marriage. Their wife is lovely, maybe a bit familiar, sure. But some people are just such selfish shits they want or believe they are entitled to extra.

It is so disgustingly common.

@MostTacticalNameChange
I think you’re trying to convince yourself, not all men are your exDH.
If they didn’t want to ruin their marriage they wouldn’t shag someone else.