The other woman

[deesdeli]

I'd like the views of others who have experienced a similar situation...

I am recovering from finding out about my exes infidelity with the same woman for over a year.

Whilst I have got rid of him and given him the sh*t he deserved I am now left with unbelievable rage towards the other woman.

The other woman was fully aware he was in a relationship and actively pursued him again and again....I cannot believe a word he says and suspect there is a lot more the to story he hasnt told me so I am tempted to contact her to find out the truth and to vent on her.

I cannot believe that women can behave like this towards another woman and I suppose I am trying to find closure to this horrible chapter .

@LyingWitchInTheWardrobe
I totally see your point and thank you.
I have taken my anger out on my cheating ex and feel like I have punished him enough.

He has felt the consequences of his actions however I have a unhealthy and compelling urge to teach the OW a lesson and let them face the consequences of their actions also.

They have managed to get away with this scott free - go back to their life without so much as a scar.

Especially after finding out that this isnt the first time they have targeted a taken man it simply makes my blood boil

I know this is not right but it simply how I feel right now

Don't waste your time on her. Whilst it is natural to feel that rage, it isn't worth it. She isn't worth it!

The OW in my situation knew what she was doing too and I called her to confront her, which I regret. It confirmed my feelings that she was a smug little madam, the cat that got the cream. I told her she was welcome to him!

I'm a few years on from it all, but still get small flashes of anger about what happened, but it's more about how my ex treated me towards the time I found out he was definitely cheating.

Focus on yourself. These feelings of anger subside in time.

I'm sure the op is angry at him too.. Its not a finite amount to be 'wasted' on the wrong person. OP Im a few years down the line and am utterly indifferent to the silly cow. They're married now so she can deal with his weak, snivelling reasonably crap at life-ness. I absolutely make use of them by making damn sure I am doing ok and have built a great life post divorce. At the time, watching them drive off together with my kids in the car to go see his family at Xmas was the most agonising thing.. Like she'd literally killed me and stepped into my place but I got past it. I think they're pathetically needy for each other and he looks terrible now. Definitely go for aloof indifference outwardly. Inwardly, seethe and rage and bore your friends over wine or vent in here, but not to her, or him. If you ask why she'll say how awful the marriage was, how in love thet are. It won't help. Good luck x

You can still be angry at her for chasing him. A very shitty thing to do to another person but bottom line she really didn't give a shit about you.

Deep down she is probably a very damaged person who is looking for validation by winning the 'pick me dance' and getting one over on you. Strange power dynamic.

"Your comment is disgusting, seensome, calling a woman a 'whore'?"

So a bit of name calling towards someone who has ruined lives with their behaviour is "vile"? Really? Name calling vs someone destroying your relationship and it's the name caller who is vile?? Jeez, priorities.

What kind of vile woman f*cks in the home of another woman?? I found out she had been in my home from just reading a few of their messages. I am so enraged but I know I will get better.

You can be angry and her and it's natural. But the fact is that he knows you, he made promises, he was supposed to love you, he was in a relationship with you, he chose to cheat.

She doesn't know you from Adam. She has no responsibility towards you whatsoever. She did a stupid, ugly thing in the world but I can pretty much guarantee you didn't feature in her decision making. She's probably just a bit of a shit person with low self esteem and poor boundaries.

He's a cheat and a liar. It's so much easier to be angry at her because she's the Big Bad Other Woman. Easier than thinking about him lying and sneaking around while pretending to care. But that's why your hurt, his actions. She's just a symptom. He's the disease.

Don't do it. I did that and the police came. FYI I didn't harass her, but nonetheless they took her complain more seriously than mine.

I am now left with unbelievable rage towards the other woman

He probably spun her a web of lies and bullshit. Your beef is with him not her.

Don't bother.

She already gets a thrill, a power boost from sleeping with married men. Contacting her will achieve nothing and just boost her ego more that she had the power to wreak a relationship. Also, she's a pretty sad woman to just go after taken men. Pity her.

When people make a habit out of stealing others' partners it does make you wonder how much validation they need, to desperately keep on proving that they can beat other women and are sexually "superior", even at the cost of their own self-respect.

Do you know what? People who are so silly as to believe that another person can be stolen, actually deserve for their partner to go... and they do.

You CANNOT own another person. Even if you marry them, they are not 'taken' unless they agree that they are. They are sentient beings with free will and it is that free will that they will use to resist these tempters/temptresses - or not.

I fully expect a numbskull to come on and bleat about 'karma', without troubling a brain cell to wonder if someone would then ponder what they'd done wrong then to bring this situation on themselves.

This board used to be less woo-woo about everything and was better for it.

Sorry OP, I know how you feel, you're venting. I hope you're getting some good RL support and commonsense.

I went through the same; he cheated on me with his ex who was fully aware of his relationship with me. A year has passed and I don't feel anger towards him but the rage I have towards her remains. I totally cut all contact with him, deleted and blocked him from everything. I simply hope that in time those negative feelings towards her subside. I don't have any answers for you other than to keep yourself occupied with other things and divert the thoughts when they arise. The best revenge is simply walking away.

Yeh, I've been told I'm wrong (pile on style) but going for a married man is a low self-esteem thing. The person mightn't obviously seem like they have a low self-esteem but it's a competitive move. Entering the spouse in a competition they didn't know they were in, and making them the loser and themself the winner.

I feel for you @deesdeli

I have no idea why a woman would behave like this. She obviously has no thought for anyone other than herself. She is selfish and beneath contempt. He is a dick and she is a selfish person. Selfish people come in all shapes and sizes.

Some of us assume that women wouldn't do that to other women because we wouldn't, however it takes all sorts. All women don't have the same moral code and values that you have.

To the person who said she shouldn't be called a whore - well she behaved like one.

No man gets "caught" by another woman.. And we don't "own" our partners.
I hate the way ow are portrayed as hard bitches who deliberately ensnared poor defenceless married man... And how dare they go against the sisterhood... What tosh

This is two individuals with free will, who chose their actions.

Anger should be at the person who had made promises to the op.
But for many women it's easier to blame the OW, as a harlots, home wrecker who seduced their poor man rather than face the fact the man you pledged yourself too was choosing someone else.

op.. I feel for you, the hurt is awful but dignity is better than revenge.

My situation is different from yours @deesdeli, in that my anger is very much with him, and maybe myself. In my case he cheated twice. The first time he cheated he left and ended up marrying the OW, then for some reason after eight years it broke down and I restarted the relationship (I wasn't mentally well, I was diagnosed with c-ptsd after being in a very bad accident, that's my only excuse). Then after three years he cheated again. That was last October and I am still angry and I don't know what to do with the anger. I just don't. I couldn't care less about her though. Its all him. I need it to stop. I hate it. I'm sorry, anger is so destructive. I hope it gets better soon xxx

Bear in mind a lot of women get involved with men and learn after the fact he’s married/involved.
Really fed up with the whore comments and the stolen man crap.
He’s no innocent here, he’s the unfaithful one and no doubt spun a web of woe to her and she’s believed it.
If your relationship is solid he wouldn’t be chasing other women, that’s the hard truth but too many wife’s want to think their poor husband was led astray.
What lesson will you teach her? that you’re bitter? you’ll only make a fool of yourself.
Have some pride and do not make an arse of yourself.

I'm guessing that my view won't be popular but - this woman did nothing wrong, in that she was not a friend of yours and was free (single) to pursue any relationship that she wanted - it was your ex who did the wrong thing in not resisting the temptation . As tempting as it might be I would say let it go - don't let it take up your head space

@CoronaIsShit
Calm yourself, that’s a bit extreme!
What would you call the man???

The thing is, yes there are women out there who pursue taken men, but your partner should have shut her down and blocked her, and told you straight away. It was him that took her up on her offer and had the affair. Any decent partner would have told her where to go when she tried it on

@LyingWitchInTheWardrobe Haven't you made that point on other threads before? You can call me silly all you like, if that's what turns you on. But just to correct your assumption, the fact that I use the word "steal" doesn't mean that I ever actually thought of my ex as my property. It's simply shorthand for pursuing someone else's partner, and not intended to refer to actual theft any more than "running off with someone" refers to running. If you really believe that my using "steal" means I deserved to be cheated on, then you're reading ever such a lot into what's a very common turn of phrase.