The other woman

[deesdeli]

I'd like the views of others who have experienced a similar situation...

I am recovering from finding out about my exes infidelity with the same woman for over a year.

Whilst I have got rid of him and given him the sh*t he deserved I am now left with unbelievable rage towards the other woman.

The other woman was fully aware he was in a relationship and actively pursued him again and again....I cannot believe a word he says and suspect there is a lot more the to story he hasnt told me so I am tempted to contact her to find out the truth and to vent on her.

I cannot believe that women can behave like this towards another woman and I suppose I am trying to find closure to this horrible chapter .

I would be fantasizing about finding the wives of her other lovers and turning up at her workplace (looking fabulous, of course...)... Her getting fired for embarrassing her company or something.
But that’s Hollywood, not real life.
Do... NOT... Contact... This... Woman! There are women out there that genuinely don’t like women. I suspect she’s one of them. For these women, who she is sleeping with is almost as much about winning the competition with the wife. (Even if the wife has no idea.) These women have to be the best. They have to feel like the ultimate seductress. They are so sneaky and superior and competitive that there is no point trying to communicate with her. She will already know all your secrets. She will hit you with every vulnerability, as she will have weaseled them out of your DH when she was fucking him and she will use this knowledge to humiliate you. It’s a power thing. She doesn’t want to keep him and deal with the boring stuff on the daily like you did. She deserves better than that. She wants the romance and seduction. The gifts (I bet he spent up big at the beginning of their dalliance.), the hotels, the holidays. She wants the “Lifestyle.” She wants to be kept and cosseted. She doesn’t want to pick up his towels, wash his stinky underpants, collect his prescription, or buy a birthday present for his auntie, let alone remember when his auntie’s fucking birthday happens to be anyway. (That’s what wives are for.) She wants diamonds and handbags instead.
If you call her, you will feel like the biggest drudge alive.

@justilou1

I would be fantasizing about finding the wives of her other lovers and turning up at her workplace (looking fabulous, of course...)... Her getting fired for embarrassing her company or something. But that’s Hollywood, not real life. Do... NOT... Contact... This... Woman! There are women out there that genuinely don’t like women. I suspect she’s one of them. For these women, who she is sleeping with is almost as much about winning the competition with the wife. (Even if the wife has no idea.) These women have to be the best. They have to feel like the ultimate seductress. They are so sneaky and superior and competitive that there is no point trying to communicate with her. She will already know all your secrets. She will hit you with every vulnerability, as she will have weaseled them out of your DH when she was fucking him and she will use this knowledge to humiliate you. It’s a power thing. She doesn’t want to keep him and deal with the boring stuff on the daily like you did. She deserves better than that. She wants the romance and seduction. The gifts (I bet he spent up big at the beginning of their dalliance.), the hotels, the holidays. She wants the “Lifestyle.” She wants to be kept and cosseted. She doesn’t want to pick up his towels, wash his stinky underpants, collect his prescription, or buy a birthday present for his auntie, let alone remember when his auntie’s fucking birthday happens to be anyway. (That’s what wives are for.) She wants diamonds and handbags instead. If you call her, you will feel like the biggest drudge alive.

You know her pretty well, don't you? And you haven't much to say about the man...

OP I hope you have had some comfort from this thread. It is ok to be angry with the OW. Contacting her is probably not going to resolve anything, least of all the anger.
DH is still with me but I am still not really sure about the future so I am spending money and time on myself. We have a DC who will be taking GCSEs this year and has had enough disruption without the trauma of us separating so we have called a truce. OW is still trying but DH has stopped contact.
If he really wants to leave 12 months isn’t going to kill him and he is, if nothing else, a good father. The thing is sometimes we just have to be grownups.

I would say that on the whole, people who paint their relationship with their partner before the affair in a positive light are simply defending themselves - reacting to the accusations by their ex or the OW that they are horrible people who bullied their ex into marrying him, or the lies their ex spread about them not having slept together for years, when actually they were still very much sexually active. It's not that the deceived person thought that their marriage was perfect: it was a bog-standard marriage, not the total disaster their ex is portraying it as.

Some people apparently like to reassure themselves that they will never be in OP's situation by underlining how much sharper and with-it they are, and how they would instantly spot any change in habits, or they would be aware of the cracks in the marriage and thus somehow avoid it by ... what? Making the marriage happy again? Simple, right? Just be a better wife, of course! Or by dumping their partner as soon as they spot something that isn't totally perfect? Or just by nodding sagely when the OW turns up and saying "Well, of course I should have expected it"?

It won’t make you feel better. Probably worse if anything. Better to just try to let it go and move on. I don’t get how women can do this to other women when it’s often a woman’s greatest fear of it happening to themselves. However, when it comes to matters of the heart, some women can be incredibly stupid.

@ShebaShimmyShake - barking up the wrong tree. That person is a relative of mine. I have seen the fallout over and over again. I have gone NC with her.

ravenmum so true. In this case it’s easy to be wise before the event. In reality it hits you like a train sideways.
In the same way we are all perfect parents before we have children, although as a parent it’s great to nod sagely in agreement with the would be parent while laughing hysterically internally.

[quote justilou1]@ShebaShimmyShake - barking up the wrong tree. That person is a relative of mine. I have seen the fallout over and over again. I have gone NC with her.[/quote]
Yes, but you were talking about someone else. They're not all like your relative.

justilou you could be talking about my next door neighbour. She has been through so many people’s husbands she now struggles to find friends. We have been woken up twice by two wives seeking revenge. Both times she took a battering and we live in a posh neighbourhood.
Fantastic entertainment though. It was annoying when they sat in a Range Rover with the lights full beam into our bedroom because they got the wrong house. She did apologise when I bumped into her in the village shop.

She has been through so many people’s husbands she now struggles to find friends.

Do the husbands struggle to find wives?

I think all long term relationships have cracks and is there any married person who is always happy in their relationship? Saying that these things are justification for an affair means that all long term relationships have in built excuses for cheating and lying. When there is never an excuse for cheating and lying.

If you're married and suddenly meet the love of your life, ithrn leave your primary relationship. If not within days, then within weeks. But this doesn't happen all the time. Many affairs last for months, even years.... How does anyone justify THAT to themselves?

And you know what the person who is being cheated on has to live with all the time?. Not just lies about where the partner is, or who their talking to or what they are doing.... They have to wonder why they are in a good mood when they've been down lately, or why they are so annoyed when you asked to spend the day with them. It's not fucking romantic. It's screwing with someone's mind. It's awful. And it's abusive. Creating arguments so they can storm off to call the other man/woman? Constantly finding the flaws in their partner so they can make excuses to themselves about what they are doing?. It's not acceptable to treat people like that.

I have unintentionally been the OW.

About 5 years ago, an exDP got in contact. He told me he and his wife had separated and he was back living in his flat (he had been renting it out).
We saw each other for about 6 months.. no real relationship or dating.. more a case of a lot of sex. Either I would go to his flat or he would come to mine. I decided to pull away after 6 months as I could feel myself becoming more emotionally involved, whereas it just seemed like sex to him and I didn't want to get hurt. Also a close relative had become very poorly so I had less free time to see him.

When I told him I didn't want to see him anymore, he came clean and told me he and his wife weren't separated. Not sure why he decided to tell me. I probably wouldn't have found out otherwise! Turns out he just didn't have any tenants in his flat as he was looking at selling it which is why is was empty. I was fuming!!

I pondered for ages over contacting his wife (I didn't know her, but was able to trace her on Facebook). I felt awful for her and felt she had a right to know who her husband really was. They also have a DS and DD. However, I also considered that she didn't know me. Would she believe me? Would he make out I'm some mad crazy ex from years ago who couldn't let go?
I'm the end I blocked him from my life and didn't contact his wife. I don't know if that was the right thing to do and I may get stick on here for not contacting her.

If she had contacted me, I would have been honest and would have answered any questions she would have asked me.

[quote SBTLove]@MostTacticalNameChange
who have very happy family lives but still cheat- ons, flings, a 13 year relationship behind the wife's back
The cheater obviously isn’t ‘very happy’ something must be missing for them or they’d be content.[/quote]
Yes, what's missing form his marriage is other women. Nothing his wife is doing wrong.

There isn't a magic way to predict or protect yourself from cheating Don't kid yourself that being the perfect wife will necessarily stop someone from straying.

Thank you all
I have had some great points of view on here that have given me a different perspective on things and made me realise that contacting the OW is not the right thing to do.

I do agree that partners cannot be "stolen" however I am angry at both of them. I have seen some views on here that the OW is not at fault as they do not know me and have no loyalty to me - true however I think we all need to take responsibility for our actions.

He was at fault - most definitely
OW is also at fault as they pursued and definitely knew all the "right" things to say.

My fury has been taken out on him - perhaps bad I know but I am only human.

I feel like I have not resolved things with the OW which is why I am still feeling very very angry towards them.

I honestly do not know how they found the time to go on holiday with him, dinners, lunches, coffees, and spend hours on the phone. I know they work full time, have a child, and they were dating other men as they believed that they were poly amorous (they are a single mum - from what I know)

I know it will get better with time but it doesnt take away the feeling of utter humiliation.

There's honestly nothing to resolve with the OW. What she did was dishonourable, but neither she nor any woman in the world could have done anything to your relationship if the other person in it, the one who pledged himself to you, hadn't broken his commitment. It really is 100% on him. She could shag anyone in the world, it's nothing to you unless he decides he will be the one this time. If he had propositioned her with the full intention of cheating, and the only reason he hadn't was because she'd said no, he'd still have betrayed you.

You just can't expect the rest of the world to be gatekeeper to your relationship and your partner's commitment. It's entirely on the two of you.

But you really have nothing to feel humiliated about. You've done nothing wrong. Don't project his shame on to women, her or yourself. Some people cheat because there are cracks in the relationship, some cheat because they're being abused, some cheat because they're selfish tail-chasing fuckers...they're just not all the same and no one narrative is going to cover them all. But if you know you always did right by him, and certainly it sounds as though you did, you have nothing to feel humiliated about and nothing to be ashamed of.

I do hope you find peace and healing and a man who makes you happy.

@MostTacticalNameChange
I don’t mean the wife has to be perfect, I mean there’s something amiss for the cheater, something lacking for them.

I agree that many marriages are strained whether through child rearing, lack of finances, juggling home and work, the endless chores and admin. Yet, not every married person chooses to seek others outside of their marriage.

You may know your marriage had cracks (I did) but did this warrant your spouse having an affair and breaking your heart into pieces?

Betraying another whether physical or emotional has such a deep impact. You are blindsided and often do not see it coming. You no longer trust your own judgement or anyone around you. I felt the world was against me, that I was unlikeable and unlovable. It destroyed me to the core. I had panic attacks on my commute and at work. I lost 1.5 stone - barely ate the first few months after discovery. I was a walking zombie living in utter despair. Each morning I woke up I had to relive the fact that it was not a dream and somehow get through the day. I was emotionally distant from my dc, I could not give them love as I was running on empty. I could not listen to love songs or watch romantic films.

I only have freedom now because I have made the decision to give myself a break from not working on my marriage and live on my terms. It may sound selfish but I have been through hell.

You just can't expect the rest of the world to be gatekeeper to your relationship and your partner's commitment. It's entirely on the two of you.
Whether or not your partner has an affair is 100% his or her choice, whatever good reasons he might have for feeling unhappy about himself, his marriage or his sex life.

I have a unhealthy and compelling urge to teach the OW a lesson and let them face the consequences of their actions also.

No doubt OW will, in due course, find out that your ex was your ex for a reason: he wasn't faithful to you so why should he be to her?

You'll find revenge is a dish best served cold - give it plenty of time and I'm sure your ex will find the next woman to shag.
Meanwhile you're well shot of the pair of them. Get on with your life and enjoy it (and be seen to be enjoying it).

leave her with the knowledge that once he's a cheat always a cheat, she'll have that doubt forever now

If this is not her first married man, it might not be her that has the doubt, it might be him. Is she chasing someone someone else now she's got me? Is she really going to the gym? Supposing she meets someone on that girls' night out?

He's in for a bumpy ride, OP. Sit back with a cup of tea and wait for it all to go tits up for him. Even if she doesn't go after anyone else, he will worry.

@Angrymum22-glad you know what I’m talking about. This relative gives me the shudders and makes me want to bathe in bleach. Then the fallout is people expecting ME to somehow make her see reason or make her accountable. Frankly, she has given me a severe case of the squicks since before I even knew what they were, let alone how to express them. I have learned that there is much more power in non-verbal (gestural) communication when expressing my feelings about this one than actual words. (It doesn’t get me in trouble and it can’t be used in four unless I’m being videoed.)

*in court

[quote justilou1]@Angrymum22-glad you know what I’m talking about. This relative gives me the shudders and makes me want to bathe in bleach. Then the fallout is people expecting ME to somehow make her see reason or make her accountable. Frankly, she has given me a severe case of the squicks since before I even knew what they were, let alone how to express them. I have learned that there is much more power in non-verbal (gestural) communication when expressing my feelings about this one than actual words. (It doesn’t get me in trouble and it can’t be used in four unless I’m being videoed.)[/quote]
She sounds awful, but it's most unlikely that she's the same person OP is talking about. And again, I'd be more concerned that so many husbands are crapping over their families than the fact that she gets off on shagging married men.

As others have said, they’ll get what’s coming to them eventually. Like many others I have seen that be true in the end (even if it’s just that they have to live with themselves knowing who they are and what they did. I always say about mine that when he closes his eyes at night all of the lies he told and maybe even believes are worthless. He’s alone in the dark and he knows).

Get a therapist, walk away, live your life.

You are entitled and encouraged to FEEL the whole deep, wide, ugly, screaming rage at these people and to THINK dark vengeful thoughts for the deep hurt inflicted on you.

You should also EXPRESS these dark thoughts and excruciating feelings in a safe way with a v trusted friend, therapist, via a journal, punching a pillow, screaming on your own in the woods, snotty sobbing in your car etc.

All of those are safe constructive emotional processing techniques. These will allow you to get it all out and importantly then create little spaces each time inside you for your healing. Then when the next phase of anger subsides look to proactively build in emotionally nourishing, calming self care activities with radiant people who leave you feeling cherished, valued and whole.

There is NOTHING to be gained by talking to the OW or your OH - and EVERYTHING to loose - your dignity, self respect, your emotional stability etc.

You will not find the closure and healing that you are after with the persecutors of your pain.

You will find more shame and humiliation - and you will have to then take responsibility for seeking it out.

Know that it is healthy to feel so deeply, to think so darkly and to express so rawly - but only in a safe place.

When someone throws a grenade at you like this, the eyes of the world are trained on you, the victim, to see what you do next. They are not looking at the perpetrator of the assault.

The moment you retaliate you are now not the victim but an equal participant in a fight.

Keeping your dignity, straightening your crown and moving on regally (in public at least) is incredibly powerful and empowering.

I hope that you can resist the waves of emotional urges, impulses and compulsions to let rip - know that it is healthy to feel and think like this (for a time) but it is not emotionally healthy, intelligent or dignified to act these thoughts or feelings out.

Today you have total power in your silence and detachment. YOU will hand over all of your power the moment you make a connection. You will have lost.

You are aiming for a place of indifference - this is a calm peaceful place like an oasis in the desert - it’s a long way away and requires you to put one foot in front of the other each day and care for yourself gently. You need to keep you eyes on this prize and not be drawn off track and wasting your finite and precious resources on something else - otherwise you will never get there.

Sorry you are enduring this and wishing you to a more peaceful place.

All the “D’s” help:

Disconnect.
Distance.
Distract.
Disengage.
Drop the rope.
Dignity.
Destination.