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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

The other woman

206 replies

deesdeli · 12/10/2020 14:19

I'd like the views of others who have experienced a similar situation...

I am recovering from finding out about my exes infidelity with the same woman for over a year.

Whilst I have got rid of him and given him the sh*t he deserved I am now left with unbelievable rage towards the other woman.

The other woman was fully aware he was in a relationship and actively pursued him again and again....I cannot believe a word he says and suspect there is a lot more the to story he hasnt told me so I am tempted to contact her to find out the truth and to vent on her.

I cannot believe that women can behave like this towards another woman and I suppose I am trying to find closure to this horrible chapter .

OP posts:
MostTacticalNameChange · 12/10/2020 22:25

[quote SBTLove]@MostTacticalNameChange
I think you’re trying to convince yourself, not all men are your exDH.
If they didn’t want to ruin their marriage they wouldn’t shag someone else.[/quote]
I'm not talking about my xh, that was a very different story.

Men will absolutely shag other people without wanting to leave their marriage. Of course not every man, I wouldn't even say most because I don't know.

But it happens a lot. I only said this in response to the poster who claimed that cheating never comes out of the blue, there are always cracks. That felt a bit victim blamey to me and I wanted to state that it is not always the case, just in case any people who have been cheated on, like the OP felt tempted to blame themselves.

HugeAckmansWife · 12/10/2020 22:26

Years and years ao I was happily married tl the loveliest man, my uni boyfriend. We were genuine happy. Until I met a guy at work who I fell completely in lust with. Complete limerance, bowled over by him. Left lovely DH for him. I was an idiot. But hand on heart it was not because of anything missing or lacking in the marriage, it was sheer selfish lust, ego stroking. If it can be true for me it can be true for others. It is not a universal truth but am affair is a symptom of a faulty marriage and its unfair to effectively blame the cheated on spouse for not having seen a problem

ShebaShimmyShake · 12/10/2020 22:30

Your feelings are human and normal and understandable, but misdirected. Your ex made the commitment to you, and if he guarded himself and your relationship, no woman in the world could have come between you. You can't expect everyone else to be the guardians of your relationship. It's the responsibility of the people in it.

I like women and am very much a girls' girl, but I don't like the concept of "girl code" because I think it just makes us responsible for men's behaviour.

I really don't think most people who shag a committed person are doing it to attack the other partner. Some people might get off on it, but I really think the majority of them just enjoy the sex/relationship for whatever reason. It's not about hurting or getting one over on someone else, just about whatever they get from the encounter; good sex, escapism, companionship or whatever, from a compatible person. There are exceptions, of course, but again...it's all on the straying partner. You can't break a commitment you never made, and if you're happy to help someone get off on getting one over on the person you said you'd love and be true to, you really are the bigger arsehole.

If your ex had propositioned the OW and she'd said no, so the only reason he hadn't strayed was a lack of opportunity, would it make a difference?

She's irrelevant to you. She had no power that your ex didn't give her.

SBTLove · 12/10/2020 22:30

@MostTacticalNameChange
Not victim blamey, but some naïveté that they have a perfect marriage.

MostTacticalNameChange · 12/10/2020 22:38

[quote SBTLove]@MostTacticalNameChange
Not victim blamey, but some naïveté that they have a perfect marriage.[/quote]
No one has a perfect marriage. Few think they do. Many just know things are good or fine. And it is. He just wants extra.

Don't be naive that that happens. Is even incredibly common.

SBTLove · 12/10/2020 22:41

On MN nearly every post about an affair the woman declares complete shock and being completely unaware or suspicious.
I do find it hard to believe anyone is that blind or daft, especially if an ongoing affair.

User5688456333 · 12/10/2020 22:44

@SBTLove

You think someone is daft for trusting their husband? Or naive for thinking that their marriage is happy? There's something in your logic that makes it seem like you think this daftness or naivete is almost cause for the affair in the first place? But I must be misunderstanding because that's just wrong.

SBTLove · 12/10/2020 22:45

No, that’s not what I said, I said that in reference to their claims of complete shock and lack of suspicion and often painting of this picture perfect life, which few have.

ShebaShimmyShake · 12/10/2020 22:47

Affairs are never right, but they are not all the same. Some come of unhappy relationships, some don't. Some are just sex on the side, some aren't. Some cheaters are utter arseholes, some aren't.

MostTacticalNameChange · 12/10/2020 22:47

@SBTLove

On MN nearly every post about an affair the woman declares complete shock and being completely unaware or suspicious. I do find it hard to believe anyone is that blind or daft, especially if an ongoing affair.
Don't think that's true at all. Many have had to piece things together due to suspicions and force admissions.

Some are pure shock, because there are no signs. My colleague was caught because a drunken selfie with a random he was taking back to his hotel synced to his ipad which his wife, who he had zero intention of leaving or upsetting saw. She was completely blindsided. He was just working away and thought why not. Absolute shit.

SBTLove · 12/10/2020 22:50

That’s a one off, I was referring to ongoing affairs, if you have a lovely marriage you’d notice the changes in habits etc.
I read threads on here and wish I could shake them and say wake up!!

Anordinarymum · 12/10/2020 22:55

@deesdeli

I'd like the views of others who have experienced a similar situation...

I am recovering from finding out about my exes infidelity with the same woman for over a year.

Whilst I have got rid of him and given him the sh*t he deserved I am now left with unbelievable rage towards the other woman.

The other woman was fully aware he was in a relationship and actively pursued him again and again....I cannot believe a word he says and suspect there is a lot more the to story he hasnt told me so I am tempted to contact her to find out the truth and to vent on her.

I cannot believe that women can behave like this towards another woman and I suppose I am trying to find closure to this horrible chapter .

OP Listen to me. I don't know you but I am a woman and I now how we work. We are driven by emotion and passion and love for our children/family.

The best thing you can do is show these people how little they matter in your life. Be successful, be happy and don't waste calories on them.
Get on with your life and don't look back.

User5688456333 · 12/10/2020 22:55

It was a complete shock to me. I had been having treatment for an illness and I took the eye of the ball. I also tried hard to be a good partner ( wife the first time) . And I thought he loved me. I really did. I have no idea why he did it. He said stress of losing me. Which makes me laugh now. An affair does massive damage. If he had left me I'd most likely be well over it. But the lying, manipulation, gaslighting.... It leaves a hell of a mark. On top of the betrayal. It's never okay to do that to a person, only justifiable in circumstances when it is extremely difficult to leave the relationship.

Saying that " they weren't happy", "there were cracks in the relationships".... Doesn't make it okay to have an affair .... they should leave if they''re not happy.

MostTacticalNameChange · 12/10/2020 22:57

@SBTLove

That’s a one off, I was referring to ongoing affairs, if you have a lovely marriage you’d notice the changes in habits etc. I read threads on here and wish I could shake them and say wake up!!
But if they're posting on here, they are noticing the changings. They might not realise affair behaviour but they have noticed signs.

I just wanted to reassure anyone who didn't see it coming that it wasn't their fault, because sometimes there aren't signs. Good marriages (not perfect because no one has that) can be susceptible if you've accidentally married a shit. And many will never know they have married a shit. I have worked with so many who have very happy family lives but still cheat- ons, flings, a 13 year relationship behind the wife's back.

Sorry to derail OP. Just keep your high ground and focus on your own recovery. Be glad they are out of your life.

AmICrazyorWhat2 · 12/10/2020 23:09

Hold your head high. OP. You’ve ditched him, now get on with your life.

Sometimes karma does come back to bite people who go along with cheating. I knew someone who went after a married man. When that ended, she met someone else and they got married...he cheated on her within a year.

SBTLove · 12/10/2020 23:10

@MostTacticalNameChange
who have very happy family lives but still cheat- ons, flings, a 13 year relationship behind the wife's back
The cheater obviously isn’t ‘very happy’ something must be missing for them or they’d be content.

Wishingforanotherlife · 12/10/2020 23:18

I expect I'll get a roasting on here but I have been 'the other woman'. Here's my perspective:

He chased me, I wasn't interested. He chased me and chased me until when I was on the rebound from another relationship he told me what I wanted and needed to hear.

I reminded him that he was married but he told me that he was splitting from his wife and that's why their house was on the market (it most definitely was). When I split from my ex-h we shared our house until it was sold, sleeping in separate rooms so I could see that this was plausible.

He introduced me to his friends, workmates and other mutual colleagues telling them, in front of me, that we were meant to be together (Gawd it makes me cringe reading that now) so he was lying in plain sight so to speak.

Our affair lasted about 4/5 months. A friend tipped me off that he had finally sold his house but had bought another, with his wife.

I confronted him and boy did he squirm when touched with the truth stick. He was ditched quickly and I made it quite clear exactly what I thought of him.

About a year later I bumped into him and he was under the illusion that we could still be on friendly terms. The look I gave him left him in no doubt as to what I still thought of him and he actually appeared hurt and incredulous that this was the case.

Moral of this sad tale is that some folk are just liars and convince themselves that what they do is ok, like a game, like it's justified. Looking back, I can see this toad for what he was. I think from your post that your ex will have been economical with the truth and it is unlikely you will ever find out. Don't contact the other woman, what would the point be. One day you will be glad you didn't when you have moved on. Right now you are hurting but this will pass. If it was a bolt from the blue it's because your ex is as good a liar as the chap I was involved with. It's a game to them. Rise above it and move on.

User5688456333 · 12/10/2020 23:34

@SBTLove

Do you think it's okay for a person to cheat if they're not happy?

SBTLove · 12/10/2020 23:38

I don’t think it’s ok but I can accept it happens and too often the wrong person is blamed.

User5688456333 · 12/10/2020 23:39

@SBTLove

Have you any experience of this situation? At all?

SBTLove · 12/10/2020 23:48

Close friends yes.

Baws · 13/10/2020 00:14

Some disgusting comments on here from very bitter women who are not helping the OP at all. As others have said, men can’t be stolen or made to cheat if they don’t want to. An OW who doesn’t know you and has probably been told that your marriage is over/unhappy etc owes you nothing. Lots of people have an overlap when leaving one relationship and starting a new one, regardless of whether that’s a shitty thing to do, it happens. It’s also difficult to leave a marriage if you’re unhappy especially if there are DC. A married person does not cheat if they are truly happy. And I’m saying this as someone who was cheated on after an 18 year marriage. The best thing you can do is forget about both of them and move on.

MudCity · 13/10/2020 05:55

For those people who think cheating doesn’t happen unless there are already cracks in a relationship, I would say that they more frequently happen if there are cracks in that individual.

I have known people to cheat not because there is anything wrong in their relationship but because there is something going on for them. Mental illness. Personality disorder. Unresolved childhood issues. Attachment disorder. Adverse childhood experiences. Unresolved grief. Trauma. Through my work I have met many, many people who have cheated on their partners who recognise that actually their primary relationship was actually normal and stable but they themselves were ‘cracked’.

The number of people who I have met who were actually unhappy with their relationship before cheating is minimal. In fact, quite the opposite because the security and stability of their relationship can sometimes offer them a platform to be able to cheat. I hear this time and time again.

MudCity · 13/10/2020 05:59

And of course those people who are unhappy because they are unhappy, nothing to do with their relationship.

There are two individuals in a relationship. Cheating isn’t always about the quality of the relationship itself.

Thatsnotsnowy · 13/10/2020 06:51

I understand your anger and hurt but men and women are not commodities to be taken or stolen by another.

I had an emotional affair with a married man, I am not a vile whore, but I was pursued relentlessly by a very manipulative married man, he turned out to be an abusive narcissist. After one friendly meeting with a group where he made very little impact on me, he started texting me and flirting with me constantly. I have no doubt he told his wife, I was the crazy one, the one who couldn’t take no for answer, who pursued him but that simply isn’t the case. I hate to think of his poor wife, living day in day out with a man capable of disrespecting her like that. I wasn’t the first and I won’t be the last.
You don’t know what emotional scars the OW has taken with her from this, the hurt and pain that she may also be suffering.

The best thing you can do is to focus on yourself now and how you can move on. Maybe the OW did you a favour. You’re now free from a man who is capable of f£cking someone in your home. He sounds pretty vile too.