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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

How could I have been so stupid ?

131 replies

Selfdestruct · 08/10/2020 09:19

I feel utterly bereft at what I have done.

Could of years ago I got very drunk and ended up having a fumble with an old friend. It was very early days with my my DP but I told
him as I knew I’d made a huge mistake but only after I’d had a coupe of further nights out. This was along distance relationship which is no excuse.

Fast forward and he found some texts from back back when and had ended it. I disclosed everything and haven’t lied. He now thinks it was a full blown affair and has cut contact with me and also has decided that there are many more nights like this and this is who I am. I’ve never ever done anything like this before so I am as shocked at my own behaviour.

I know I deserve everything I get but it was a one off stupid mistake when were we’re not official (sounds like an excuse)

I just want him to see that he can trust me and it was a long time ago and I don’t usually behave like this and I feel so remorseful over what I have done to him.

Is there any coming back from this or should I do the decent thing and leave him be?

I feel small and ashamed.

OP posts:

FetchezLaVache · 08/10/2020 09:22

Leave him be - not because you are the one in the wrong, but because he is.

Original poster

Selfdestruct · 08/10/2020 09:37

This is true I hadn’t thought of that. He’s wrong about so much but I can hardly blame him for thinking what he does. He takes things out of context much of the time.

I want another chance to make things right but that’s beyond my control of course. I’d give anything to salvage this, seems so final this time, he did the same when I told him and disappeared for weeks.

OP posts:

rumred · 08/10/2020 09:39

Don't be too hard on yourself. We all screw up, learning from it can only be the best outcome. Trust is hard, it makes you vulnerable, he may well reflect on it and change his mind but mithering him won't help. A dignified response from you might be the best bet

Fortunategirl · 08/10/2020 09:43

You’ve been together a couple of years now? You disclosed everything at the time? If yes to both of those then he’s being weird and OTT. Very strange. I’m not sure why he’s behaving this way. It was a long time ago? Not every relationship is hearts and flowers at the beginning and you didn’t lie about anything. I had several boyfriends on the go when I first met my husband. Shit happens. You make your decisions at the time. I think he’s not really being fair and he’s game playing for drama and attention. Do you want this to be the stick he beats you with for the next 30 years? If it was me I’d say “ok fair enough. Your call. For the record you knew all of this when we got together so bit weird you’re having a tantrum now. It’s kind of put me off you to be honest. Strops are ugly on you just so you know. If you decide to stop being weird and having a drama then give me a shout but as far as I’m concerned I’m now single from midnight tonight. Have a great life” then mean it and stop chasing the turd

Fortunategirl · 08/10/2020 09:45

Oh and you should google the drama triangle because that’s what he’s doing and if that’s his behaviour pattern, which you’ve alluded to it is, then I’d suggest you cut this man off. People who instigate the drama triangle ruin lives. You sound normal. Don’t waste your life on a drama lama. You will never be happy, valued or normal with a person like that and they can’t change without at least a year of weekly therapy from a professional

Original poster

Selfdestruct · 08/10/2020 09:46

I did that I’ve been more honest about how I feel with him that anyone. I’m pretty dysfunctional at the best of times and he has been the only relationship I’ve had that was abusive or high drama and what do I do I destroy it. So typical.

He’s said there is no point in talking as he can’t trust me and all my characteristics indicate I can’t change. I’ve changed my entire lifestyle since a nasty breakup with an abusive ex and it’s too late now.

I know what I’ve done and I know how he must be feeling but he is also so wrong about so many things that he thinks happen that didn’t. That’s the problem he can’t get out of his his head what he thinks when on when the reality is it was nothing. Well not nothing of course but not how he imagines it.

OP posts:

Rockinmomma · 08/10/2020 09:49

I’m sorry OP but he sounds very immature.
Yep, you made an inexcusable mistake but you were honest about it and took full responsibility.
Him cutting you off or disappearing for weeks though? That’s just a childish way of making you feel worse than you already do.
I’d give him space, keep yourself occupied. If/when he contacts you have a serious conversation about trust, communication and respect. Your relationship won’t last the distance if he doesn’t trust you or want to be an adult and communicate

AgrippinaT · 08/10/2020 09:50

It's really not a big deal, he needs to get over it. Sharpish.

BrowncoatWaffles · 08/10/2020 09:54

If it was a couple of years ago and he's now decided this now it definitely seems more like he's punishing you.

You deserve better. If he comes back don't let him back in. He should not be punishing you for this.

gurneyhalleck · 08/10/2020 09:55

This sounds like a total dumpster fire. An immature man and a woman self describing as 'dysfunctional' with several 'high drama, abusive' relationships under her belt.

The fact the man has acted this way speaks volumes. He should have ended it amicably at the time of your first telling him. Despite this, if you said it was a drunken one off and the texts make it look like a long affair then I can see why he would get out. He has handled it terribly though.

Alexandernevermind · 08/10/2020 09:57

More fool him op, in my opinion. You weren't yet serious particularly at the time, but nevertheless you were open and honest. I wonder if he lived like a monk at that time? If he is sulking about it 2 years later it says more about him than you.

Original poster

Selfdestruct · 08/10/2020 10:21

He’s described my life before him as those things

OP posts:

giletrouge · 08/10/2020 10:31

Can't say it sounds like he has a high opinion of you.
Sounds like you did nothing wrong and he's a jealous judgemental arse, TBH.

Original poster

Selfdestruct · 08/10/2020 11:10

No we were a few months in at that point and when I asked friend their opinion they stated that it’s a non issue don’t bother bringing it up. I did as I felt like I had sullied the relationship which is just how I am wired.

I guess he can’t love me very much if he can say such things and blow it all out of proportion as he has and I am starting to believe maybe I did have this affair. (There was no sex and no emotional sort of affair in any way), just too drunk with friends and yes it’s childish but nothing beyond that. That’s the second issue I suppose even though this was over two years ago now.

OP posts:

Blackcountrychik · 08/10/2020 11:13

Could he be cheating himself and trying to make a mountain out of a mound hill to try and turn this on you for an "excuse" to maybe get a free card to do it too?
I may be far off the mark but he's over reacting.

Fortunategirl · 08/10/2020 11:28

Ok, I mean this kindly but I think you could do with speaking to somebody. Find a counsellor who is experienced in co-dependency and attachment disorders. The way you write about it all is bordering on hysterical and you are punishing yourself for something that didn’t even happen TWO YEARS ago. You have to see this is utter madness right? It is absolutely nonsense. This isn’t NORMAL behaviour from him. If you were married at that time and had an affair with his best friend then the way you write and his reactions would be understandable. I suggest you block him for now. You know this isn’t right. You need help to understand why you are so desperate to cling onto such a disordered person. This isn’t anything to do with you. You’ve done nothing wrong. Stop putting yourself down, STOP,

Original poster

Selfdestruct · 08/10/2020 11:46

I have done a lot wrong that’s the problem and he won’t let me make amends and that is what is just so sad.

I do hope he will come round and I will not message him I have sent a couple of which he read one and the other he hasn’t seen as he hasn’t been on WhatsApp since last night.

OP posts:

BillMasen · 08/10/2020 11:52

I do have a bit of sympathy with him as it must feel horrible to believe the explanation at the time, then find evidence that points to more having happened.

Frequently on here we see posters say “he’s minimising, he’s clearly had an affair, of course they had sex”, so it’s not surprising he feels deceived.

What in the texts implies more happened? Do you think it’s reasonable for him to feel deceived? We’re you totally transparent or did you minimise?

Original poster

Selfdestruct · 08/10/2020 11:56

The messages verified nothing more happened but the fact they were there is the issue.

Yes I feel he has every right to feel deceived and I did break his trust.

OP posts:

CoolYourBeansMySon · 08/10/2020 12:00

How the hell has he found out texts from 2 years ago?

MyCatHatesEverybody · 08/10/2020 12:01

Why did you keep those old messages?

How did he come to be looking at them?

picklemewalnuts · 08/10/2020 12:02

But you didn't break his trust, unless I misunderstood?

You were seeing each other long distance, but weren't official (whatever that means).
You exchanged a few texts and had a fumble with someone else.
You told him, he went off for a think then you got back together.

Two years later something reminds him and he decides to throw a wobbly?

Either he doesn't know you and trust you, or he totally understands but is reeling you into a more dependent relationship by making you beg him to come back.
Either way, no loss, move on having learned a bit more about yourself and relationships!

Nowstrong · 08/10/2020 12:09

I agree with PP, you didn't break his trust. It was just a drunken fumble. For whoever's sake!!! He's using this to be mean to you. Let him disappear into his grumbling and lonely sunset. Don't beat yourself up with this. You sound very honest. You sound TOO nice. Drop him. This is how he is. He will use any minor "mistake" on your behalf to grind you down. The hills are that way. Hide in them.

MJMG2015 · 08/10/2020 12:09

(((HUG)))

You need to talk to someone, a trained someone.

Your thinking is really screwed up

You had a drunken fumble when you were newly together & you told him about it at the time. He left you for weeks, you should have dumped him then! He chose to come back & you allowed him. He's now snooping around your messages & bringing it up 2 years later. He's accusing you of things that didn't happen, he's not communicating with you and he's saying horrible things.

You deserve a LOT better than the way he's treating you You really do, even if you can't see it yet 🌷

Original poster

Selfdestruct · 08/10/2020 12:58

Pretty much whatpicklemewalnuts said. I’m giggling like an 11 year old at the username.

Thank you everyone for being so nice to me. I don’t have many friends these days and lockdown has been truly horrific so this is horrible timing

OP posts:

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