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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How could I have been so stupid ?

131 replies

Selfdestruct · 08/10/2020 09:19

I feel utterly bereft at what I have done.

Could of years ago I got very drunk and ended up having a fumble with an old friend. It was very early days with my my DP but I told
him as I knew I’d made a huge mistake but only after I’d had a coupe of further nights out. This was along distance relationship which is no excuse.

Fast forward and he found some texts from back back when and had ended it. I disclosed everything and haven’t lied. He now thinks it was a full blown affair and has cut contact with me and also has decided that there are many more nights like this and this is who I am. I’ve never ever done anything like this before so I am as shocked at my own behaviour.

I know I deserve everything I get but it was a one off stupid mistake when were we’re not official (sounds like an excuse)

I just want him to see that he can trust me and it was a long time ago and I don’t usually behave like this and I feel so remorseful over what I have done to him.

Is there any coming back from this or should I do the decent thing and leave him be?

I feel small and ashamed.

OP posts:
excelledyourself · 09/10/2020 10:22

@Selfdestruct

No I showed him to prove nothing else happened and he’s taken things in the wrong way
Why did it come up again that meant you felt you should that?
Original poster
Selfdestruct · 09/10/2020 10:23

Fair point, it shouldn’t have

OP posts:
excelledyourself · 09/10/2020 10:25

So how did it?

Original poster
Selfdestruct · 09/10/2020 10:32

I can’t even remember how the conversation started to be honest I was over a month ago now

OP posts:
Bouledeneige · 09/10/2020 10:33

OP of course you're DP had every right to finish the relationship then or now on trust issues or whatever else. But he hasn't. He's choosing to make this into a huge and unnecessary drama and to torment you with it. It will never work and you are being tortured and dangled - he loves you, he can't trust you, he loves you, he can't trust you. This is no longer about a regretted fumble. It is really unhealthy and for your own sanity you need to walk away. The punishment far outstrips the crime. He is now inflicting far worse on you than you ever did to him. And he's making you feel mad and lose all perspective. Get out now.

SixesAndEights · 09/10/2020 10:33

@Selfdestruct

I’ve been in abusive relationships and this is anything but compared to those!
And yet it still is an abusive relationship.
excelledyourself · 09/10/2020 10:35

Over a month?! After the initial two years? And he's still torturing you about it?

Get rid.

Sorry to be so harsh here, but don't you think there's a chance that for him the relationship has just run its course and he's too cowardly to say, so this gives him the chance to get out guilt free?

excelledyourself · 09/10/2020 10:37

And in the meantime he's probably weighing up other options.

Original poster
Selfdestruct · 09/10/2020 10:38

No he claims I have forced this

OP posts:
newnameforthis123 · 09/10/2020 10:38

Sorry to be so harsh here, but don't you think there's a chance that for him the relationship has just run its course and he's too cowardly to say, so this gives him the chance to get out guilt free?

I've thought this from the start of this thread, he doesn't want to be the bad guy so he is using this information against you.

Regardless he is not kind. He's made you feel terrible for something that isn't terrible. It's that simple. He's at best a coward and at worse a manipulative prick.

Please accept its over, get some counselling and indulge in some self care.

Again, he is not being kind to you, at all.

excelledyourself · 09/10/2020 10:40

@Selfdestruct

No he claims I have forced this
Yes, I know. But that is simply NOT true, so look at the other possibilities here.
Original poster
Selfdestruct · 09/10/2020 10:46

He claims trying would make the relationship toxic whatever the hell that means as there is no relationship.

OP posts:
BillMasen · 09/10/2020 10:55

Whilst he’s not handling this great, I think a lot of posters are being quite harsh.

It looks like this subject came up. You can’t remember how but he thinks you forced it. This brought back how he felt at the time (which must have been awful). You show him texts (you still have for some reason) which show you didn’t break off communication (did you say at the time you had? Or would?)

He now, not entirely unreasonably, thinks more may have gone on.

Be honest. Did you minimise? Are you still doing now? I note that you firstly said it was “very early days” then later admitted it was months in to your relationship. You also said what happened was “nothing”, then said “ok not nothing”

If you’ve been totally straight, all cards on the table from day 1, then yep he’s being a bit harsh but even then, it looks like you brought it up, reminded him what you did, showed texts which hurt him further.

He’s allowed to still be hurt. He should probably deal with it better but give him a break

excelledyourself · 09/10/2020 10:58

You shouldn't have to try.

Trying is what couples with 25 year relationships, mortgages, kids, and all the trials and tribulations of life sometimes choose to do!

Why do you want to be in a relationship where you have to "try" and make a success of it after only two years? When you could be in a relationship where it's just easy and works for what it is?

And it would only be you trying anyway. As far as he's concerned, you're in the wrong, so it's you who has to put it right.

MyCatHatesEverybody · 09/10/2020 10:58

Although you do get double standards creeping in on this forum when it comes to womes vs men, as a rule Mumsnet is militantly anti-cheater because so many of us have experienced the devastation it causes.

It's telling therefore that no one has said your DP is justified in the way he's treating you about a one off incident which happened before you were even an established couple and voluntarily told him about.

Regardless of any moral rights or wrongs this relationship has no legs because either he's genuinely still so hurt after all this time that he'll never be able to let it go, or he'll just use what happened as a stick to beat you with whenever he feels the need to reassert the power balance in his favour.

I think because you've been in abusive relationships before this feels less worse, but if you stay together he will constantly reinforce your misguided belief that you're horribly dysfunctional and don't really deserve to be treated with love and respect. For your own sake you need to start again with someone else so you can go into the relationship with a clean slate because if you stay with this man you will decimate your mental health trying to prove a negative.

Original poster
Selfdestruct · 09/10/2020 10:59

Yes it brought back a lot which he took a long time to get over so he feels I am still lying which I’m not. Yes he thinks I’m minimising which I why I let him read every game which obvious showed whilst nothing further happened I was still in contact. It a total mess and it’s my fault

OP posts:
excelledyourself · 09/10/2020 11:00

@BillMasen I took it to mean that he thinks OP forced them into a break up because of what happened before. Not that she forced this conversation to come up again.

EndlessWaffle · 09/10/2020 11:03

When you started your relationship, and made some terrible mistakes. You are contrite, you have been honest, you have learned, you have grown. To be honest it sounds like maybe you have outgrown him. You are clearly someone who is willing to look at yourself and develop and make changes. Is he? It doesn't sound like it.

You say you are worried that this was the only good relationship you have had so far. Try not to worry, your next relationship will be even better.

lovemenot · 09/10/2020 11:05

This....

Regardless of any moral rights or wrongs this relationship has no legs because either he's genuinely still so hurt after all this time that he'll never be able to let it go, or he'll just use what happened as a stick to beat you with whenever he feels the need to reassert the power balance in his favour.

I think because you've been in abusive relationships before this feels less worse, but if you stay together he will constantly reinforce your misguided belief that you're horribly dysfunctional and don't really deserve to be treated with love and respect. For your own sake you need to start again with someone else so you can go into the relationship with a clean slate because if you stay with this man you will decimate your mental health trying to prove a negative.

EndlessWaffle · 09/10/2020 11:06

The other way to look at it is that maybe he didn't fully get over the betrayal in the first place, and so when he saw these messages recently all his feelings have resurfaced. Even if your relationship wasn't serious at the time, a betrayal can cause real trauma in a person. Especially if they've got some sort of betrayal or breakdown in their family background. So let's not assume his feelings are unreasonable.
The point is, can you work through it and do you (both) want to?

Original poster
Selfdestruct · 09/10/2020 11:06

Yes that is the logical thing to do of course but unfortunately feelings get in the way which is very unhelpful all round

OP posts:
newnameforthis123 · 09/10/2020 11:11

@EndlessWaffle

The other way to look at it is that maybe he didn't fully get over the betrayal in the first place, and so when he saw these messages recently all his feelings have resurfaced. Even if your relationship wasn't serious at the time, a betrayal can cause real trauma in a person. Especially if they've got some sort of betrayal or breakdown in their family background. So let's not assume his feelings are unreasonable. The point is, can you work through it and do you (both) want to?
He doesn't want to though, I think that's clear? He doesn't want to try because he's either too hurt (which is what he says clearly) or wants out and is using it as a reason. Either way, he is done I think so OP needs to accept that and move on. I think he sounds manipulative and the way he's dealt with it is cruel, but even if that isn't the case OP needs to respect his decision and really listen to his words when he says it's too toxic to continue.
picklemewalnuts · 09/10/2020 11:21

You have two options:

walk away which would be taking him at his word. You should delete and block while you are at it.

Tie yourself in knots in an attempt to prove you are good enough for him- which will be an unending effort as he will always be able to hold this over your head.

To me the first sounds healthiest.

MyCatHatesEverybody · 09/10/2020 11:22

But why did the subject come up again at all?

On the face of it I don't think he's being unreasonable to still feel hurt or insecure but these posts from the OP raise some huge red flags about whether that hurt is sincere or just a stick to beat OP with:

"He’s said there is no point in talking as he can’t trust me and all my characteristics indicate I can’t change."

"He’s described my life before him as those things."

"He was very clear he would try and work things out if he felt I was committed but he doesn’t think I am."

I always remember my abusive exH telling me he'd pulled me from out of the gutter and whilst I might be projecting everything about the tone of OP's posts is screaming a very similar dynamic where I was grateful to have someone helping me become a "better" person when in reality, it was he who was putting me down.

BillMasen · 09/10/2020 11:57

Did you tell him at the time you had, or would, cease contact?

There are many threads on here where people find out their partner wasn’t straight, and carried on contact, and they are usually told they’re ok to be upset and angry about it, and they’ve done nothing wrong.

As I’ve said, perhaps he’s not handling it great but I’m not sure how honest you were with him, and with us/yourself now.

As for advice, from a bloke who’s been in something similar to his position, the only way to mend a mistake like that was total disclosure and honesty at the time and I think that ship has sailed.