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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

How could I have been so stupid ?

131 replies

Selfdestruct · 08/10/2020 09:19

I feel utterly bereft at what I have done.

Could of years ago I got very drunk and ended up having a fumble with an old friend. It was very early days with my my DP but I told
him as I knew I’d made a huge mistake but only after I’d had a coupe of further nights out. This was along distance relationship which is no excuse.

Fast forward and he found some texts from back back when and had ended it. I disclosed everything and haven’t lied. He now thinks it was a full blown affair and has cut contact with me and also has decided that there are many more nights like this and this is who I am. I’ve never ever done anything like this before so I am as shocked at my own behaviour.

I know I deserve everything I get but it was a one off stupid mistake when were we’re not official (sounds like an excuse)

I just want him to see that he can trust me and it was a long time ago and I don’t usually behave like this and I feel so remorseful over what I have done to him.

Is there any coming back from this or should I do the decent thing and leave him be?

I feel small and ashamed.

OP posts:

Original poster

Selfdestruct · 09/10/2020 14:11

Yes I had

OP posts:

Asterion · 09/10/2020 14:13

Well she must have met him, if it was a "few months" in to their relationship!

excelledyourself · 09/10/2020 14:30

In his mind this sort of behaviour even if not in a relationship is completely wrong and he thinks that is a character flaw.

He is entitled to his views of what is and isn't acceptable behaviour in and out of relationships. But these need to be compatible with yours.

Personally, the fact that he finds banter between willing friends unacceptable even when both parties are single, makes him sound like an insufferable bore, at best. But I'd hedge my bets he's also the jealous, controlling type.

Did he expect you to cease all contact with this friend back when this incident occurred?

Original poster

Selfdestruct · 09/10/2020 14:34

It was never discussed and because it was nothing more than that and I had told him I guess I never thought it would blow up so badly. It’s was naive of me really. I should have treated it as anyone in here would treat and affair in hindsight.

He’s not controlling but has ‘traditional views’ as having a past is an issue it seems.

OP posts:

MyCatHatesEverybody · 09/10/2020 14:35

Can I ask again, why do you no longer have many friends?

Original poster

Selfdestruct · 09/10/2020 14:39

This person was part of a group of friends.

Some have moved and my life just revolves around working and my relationship

OP posts:

MyCatHatesEverybody · 09/10/2020 14:43

So how come your BF didn't realise you were still socialising with fumble friend? Did you never chit chat about what you were up to?

This all sounds very unhealthy on both sides.

Original poster

Selfdestruct · 09/10/2020 14:47

He is not usually in the same
City and there were one or two people occasions but I avoided spending time with them mostly because of what happened.
I dealt with it really badly looking bad. Sorry my head is an absolute mess. Going back through everything the way I have makes it seems very different to what actually happened. It was a terrible terrible things but it’s been blown up into something other than it actualky was and I can’t obviously change that as the thoughts are no there. I can’t deny the facts but any attempt at explaining just gets met with me minimising it or excusing it. I’ve said all along there is no excuse

OP posts:

MyCatHatesEverybody · 09/10/2020 15:20

These two statements contradict each other: "It was a terrible, terrible thing" and "It’s been blown up into something other than it actually was."

You swing between agreeing with the posters who say that what you did wasn't that bad, then the next minute latching on to the occasional post which validates your excessively low opinion of yourself.

This: He’s not controlling but has ‘traditional views’ as having a past is an issue it seems worries me a lot...

DiscontinuedModelHusband · 09/10/2020 15:25

OP - to be honest, it sounds to me like he's holding onto this as leverage.

this will create an imbalance of power in your relationship, and this is never healthy.

i think whatever the circumstances, you are perfectly within your rights to say to him that he has 2 choices:

he needs to commit 100% to you (meaning that while you don't expect him to forget, you do expect him not to bring it up)
he cannot commit, because he cannot get past what you've done. in which case, he needs to leave you alone to move on with your life.

a halfway house, where you're not together, and he's just constantly bringing this up is not healthy for either of you.

tell him to make his choice, or you will take option 2 yourself.

Original poster

Selfdestruct · 09/10/2020 15:29

Terrible thing as in how upset and angry he is. When I asked friends if I should tell him they laughed and said don’t be ridiculous it’s nothing.

I suppose I didn’t think it was ‘nothing’ as I’d have been upset too as it sort of creates a mark on things. We hadn’t discussed being official but for him it was. He doesn’t get the concept of things not being official right from the first date. I understand that too.

He says my past is not compatible with a relationship and to find someone who doesn’t care about that sort of thing. I have a fairly tame past when it comes to men! He’s angry so said a few things. I haven’t seen him for about a month so this is all messaging back and forth since last week but I don’t get after spending time after reading the messages and everything was fine, it’s all exploded

OP posts:

PullTheBricksDown · 09/10/2020 15:29

@DiscontinuedModelHusband makes sense. Tell him this. You aren't some terrible awful person in this, he's not looking great.

Original poster

Selfdestruct · 09/10/2020 15:32

DiscontinuedModelHusband

Leverage for what?

Part of me thinks he’s waiting for me to say what he wants to hear and the other part things he is going to end it but make it confusing for me in the meantime.

OP posts:

MyCatHatesEverybody · 09/10/2020 15:32

He says my past is not compatible with a relationship and to find someone who doesn’t care about that sort of thing.

And there we have it. Consider yourself as having had a lucky escape.

excelledyourself · 09/10/2020 15:39

So your past isn't compatible with a relationship, yet he decided you were in an official relationship from the off, without finding out what your past was and if it was compatible with his views??

He's holding his own stupidity against you.

newnameforthis123 · 09/10/2020 15:41

He says my past is not compatible with a relationship and to find someone who doesn’t care about that sort of thing.

Right, there we go. He's a prick. What an awful thing to say about someone. Please let this go OP, it's over and regardless of the past, with an attitude like his and comments like that which are dripping in disdain for you, you've had a lucky escape. Stop giving this so much headspace now, it's over. Thank goodness if that's what he thinks of you. He's vile.

Anydreamwilldo12 · 09/10/2020 16:03

Christ almighty, he's acting like you're some sort of Jezebel sleeping with every tom dick and harry, taking the moral high ground to make you feel a really awful person. He's not what you thought he was OP. Let him get on with it and find himself a blessed virgin.

picklemewalnuts · 09/10/2020 16:35

Sweetheart, I don't think this is going to work out and I don't think it would be good for you if it did. He's tying you in knots. He's holding you to his standards, when you didn't even know what his standards were.

He wants you thoroughly cowed, guilty and beholden to him. Everything that goes wrong will always be your fault. If he's a dick, it will be your fault because he can't trust you. If he has another woman, it will be your fault because you made him feel insecure. If you wait on him hand foot and finger and wrap yourself in a bow on Sundays, he'll be sad because the bow is the wrong colour.

Make your escape while you can.

Original poster

Selfdestruct · 09/10/2020 17:13

He’s I hope just really really angry and can say mean things when angry usually he’s lovely. This was a betrayal so I am trying to be understanding

OP posts:

newnameforthis123 · 09/10/2020 17:22

@Selfdestruct

He’s I hope just really really angry and can say mean things when angry usually he’s lovely. This was a betrayal so I am trying to be understanding

Bloody hell there's understanding and there's being a sucker for punishment. He's basically said you're cheap and nasty. It doesn't matter he's said that in anger or not. Like men who call a woman a "slag" in an argument - look behind the words and regardless of the circumstances you'll find a misogynist, sexist, arsehole. You're being naive to think this is a relationship worth salvaging or fighting for. He's awful!

picklemewalnuts · 09/10/2020 18:37

Stop being understanding toward a man who says really nasty, mean things when he's angry!

I've been married 25 years. DH has been grumpy a lot of that time but he has never, ever said anything nasty. He's said careless thoughtless things (isn't that a bit young for you!! When I was 27), but nothing nasty or mean.

Original poster

Selfdestruct · 10/10/2020 10:38

I am completed shattered by this but I can’t really say anything as my actions got us here.

There is nothing I can do but I am really struggling

OP posts:

ShesMadeATwatOfMePam · 10/10/2020 10:42

Are you sure he's not abusive? He might be less abusive than your ex, doesn't mean he's not also a cock. Cos to be honest, he really is acting like one. He's got no evidence that anything happened, because it didn't, and you're not having an affair. But he's punishing you in a really awful way. How long do you want to spend trying to prove a negative to him?

If you'd had a full blown affair then yeah, beat yourself up. But it was a drunken fumble with no sex, a few weeks into a casual long distance relationship. You're not the anti Christ.

Original poster

Selfdestruct · 10/10/2020 11:02

It’s the lying afterwards, the text exchanges - NOTHING intimate or sexual in any way so I understand I did the worst possible thing afterwards.

That along with ‘things from my past’ is something he can’t get over.

We were fine and this build up over the past few days all on text and calls.

I am just so so devastated and can’t imagine any kind of future without him.

OP posts:

user1471565182 · 10/10/2020 11:07

He doesnt have to get over anything. He can end it for any reason he likes and previous cheating sounds a pretty good reason to me.

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