How could I have been so stupid ?

[Selfdestruct]

I feel utterly bereft at what I have done.

Could of years ago I got very drunk and ended up having a fumble with an old friend. It was very early days with my my DP but I told
him as I knew I’d made a huge mistake but only after I’d had a coupe of further nights out. This was along distance relationship which is no excuse.

Fast forward and he found some texts from back back when and had ended it. I disclosed everything and haven’t lied. He now thinks it was a full blown affair and has cut contact with me and also has decided that there are many more nights like this and this is who I am. I’ve never ever done anything like this before so I am as shocked at my own behaviour.

I know I deserve everything I get but it was a one off stupid mistake when were we’re not official (sounds like an excuse)

I just want him to see that he can trust me and it was a long time ago and I don’t usually behave like this and I feel so remorseful over what I have done to him.

Is there any coming back from this or should I do the decent thing and leave him be?

I feel small and ashamed.

I'm sorry you've felt even more isolated with lockdown.

This is a great opportunity to reset things. Have a pause without a relationship and do a bit of reading.
There's nothing wrong with you- some people take advantage of you if they can, and you need a better set of skills to weed them out. You may have had some bad relationships before, but this one isn't worth fighting for either. It sounds as though it's low drama as long as you do what he says/believe you are wrong.

What would you need to feel better about things? What support would help you do what you need to do?

I guess my self esteem is pretty low and there is so much negative feedback across the board not just him.

You get negative feedback when you ask for it and when you listen for it.

It's actually really easy to hear as a negative things which are not intended that way. Also to take seriously the negative opinions of people who have an agenda in doing you down.

I find it helpful to ignore all negatives I hear (or think I've heard- half the time I'm reading negatives in where there are none). It's really helped me to manage relationships where I was walking on eggshells for fear of having done/said the wrong thing. I actively reject all that negative chatter.

Focus on positive things, let negatives wash off you like water of a duck's back. Seek out people who tell you good things, go out and say good things to people. Stay away from people who are actively and clearly unkind.

You'll find things shift quite quickly.

Everyone makes mistakes. It sounds to me like he's just using it as an excuse to leave whilst pinning all of the blame on you. The problem is with him.

Yes, maybe that is what he is doing. He is not being fair in the slightest and then calls and then gets angry and then tells me there is no way back. It’s very back and forth.

OP, he sounds like an awful twat that is just loving this drama and painting you in the wrong.

Start accepting that it's over and appreciate that you have dodged a bullet.

Take some time to be kind to yourself.

Thanks I am feeling extremely low tbh

How did he find these messages, OP? I assume you didn't volunteer them, so what he's doing?

Sounds like this man is wearing you down.

Let him go. For your sake, not his. If, and most likely, when, he comes crawling back, take pride in taking back control and telling him you agree it's best to call it a day. No further explanations necessary.

Bin him.
He's using it as an excuse to cover up his poor behaviour.

It's sad and disappointing to lose a relationship you thought was of value. You will miss having 'someone' in your life.

Honestly though, he's making you feel worse. He's not who you hoped he was. Let him go.

Do you work?

Op, anyone can choose to end a relationship and that is his right however don't tolerate him going hot/cold. He has a right to ask questions but after that he needs to try and move forwards. If he can't then it is better you split.

2 years seems to be the point when the honeymoon relationship is over and the reality of the relationship hits. If it is as picklemewalnuts posted then he might just be looking for a way out. It is better that it ends now then much later.

How old are you op? Keep your mind on the positives. Sometimes relationships are here to teach us things rather than be longterm.

Hi sorry for the silence I felt awful and just needed sometime out.

Ye sim working at the moment although it’s sporadic.

I old enough to know better let me put it that way.

The hot and cold thing is very confusing as he says he loves me deeply but can’t put aside the fact he can’t trust me but would want to give it a go otherwise. It’s completely mixed messages. I don’t understand the motivation for that. It’s not so easy to cut contact as we have usually a very loving caring relationship.

Leave him alone. He’s got the right to finish the relationship for any reason he wants. As do any of us.

Now, focus on getting yourself sorted. Counselling would be an excellent start. Use this as a chance to give yourself a little life makeover. Focus on becoming a person who makes you feel proud, safe, happy and content.

You are right, thank you I needed to hear that.

Tbh I'd call time on this . You are waiting for him to end the relationship and that would enforce your opinion of yourself ( low esteem deserved because you are not worthy of people's love etc. )
Infact you should tell him you were honest with him about what happened , and if he chooses to not believe you then whilst that is his prerogative , you are not prepared to have an unhappy, untrusting relationship with someone who thinks you are a liar .Learn to value yourself , and then those around you will value you also.

Again you are right, he was very clear he would try and work things out if ur felt I was committed but he doesn’t think I am. He’s just being kind in ending it nicely I guess.

@Selfdestruct, from the outside he doesn’t seem to be being kind at all, and he certainly isn’t ending it nicely. Whatever you think of yourself right now you actually seriously deserve better than this. You had a fumble with someone else 2 years ago, were honest with him at the time, and he’s still having a tantrum about it? To me it looks like he’s a big part of why you have self-esteem issues.
You made a mistake, everyone does. Someone who loves you and cares about you doesn’t use that as a tool to beat you with for years afterwards.

More than two years ago in fact, I didn’t tell him the second it happened and I didn’t cut contact straight away as I was stupid enough to think that because it was such a non event in the grander scheme of things he wouldn’t view it the way he is.
I guess telling me he lives me and wants everything that goes with that but can’t change how he feels about trusting me is a little cruel. He said he would think about meeting this weekend a couple of days ago but has just gone silent since last night after he said he loves me but can’t trust me.

Nothing mind about this man. He's being manipulative.

To what end though

He's a head worker, you are going to end up the lowest of the low if you let this carry on. How did he find the messages? In the depths of your phone I imagine.

No I showed him to prove nothing else happened and he’s taken things in the wrong way

This guy is not a decent guy. You're right that it was a non event years ago. He's using it to make you feel grateful for his ongoing attention. The manipulation is so that you fall into line and are forever in his debt for "overcoming" your transgressions.

You need this man out of your life. Then counselling, self esteem work and reading up on abusive men.

If what he said was true about loving you but not being able to trust you he would end things and walk away, not dangle you and push and pull.

I’ve been in abusive relationships and this is anything but compared to those!