Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6

Original poster

How could I have been so stupid ?

131 replies

Selfdestruct · 08/10/2020 09:19

I feel utterly bereft at what I have done.

Could of years ago I got very drunk and ended up having a fumble with an old friend. It was very early days with my my DP but I told
him as I knew I’d made a huge mistake but only after I’d had a coupe of further nights out. This was along distance relationship which is no excuse.

Fast forward and he found some texts from back back when and had ended it. I disclosed everything and haven’t lied. He now thinks it was a full blown affair and has cut contact with me and also has decided that there are many more nights like this and this is who I am. I’ve never ever done anything like this before so I am as shocked at my own behaviour.

I know I deserve everything I get but it was a one off stupid mistake when were we’re not official (sounds like an excuse)

I just want him to see that he can trust me and it was a long time ago and I don’t usually behave like this and I feel so remorseful over what I have done to him.

Is there any coming back from this or should I do the decent thing and leave him be?

I feel small and ashamed.

OP posts:

Original poster

Selfdestruct · 09/10/2020 12:07

It was inherently assumed I had I just didn’t think and that’s what the issue is. In hindsight I can’t believe I was so stupid and not even considered how bad not doing that was. Completely incomprehensible as if it was the other way round I would be handling it worse than he is I think

OP posts:

Zaphodsotherhead · 09/10/2020 12:08

I'm afraid you're in another abusive relationship.

It may not be abusive in the way that you are used to, but this man is abusive with words, twisting everything to make you look bad and feel guilty. To what end? Who knows? Maybe he wants you to beg and plead? Maybe he wants something to hold over you so every time you ask him for something he can say 'remember that time you were unfaithful to me?' Or so he can go off and do the same in a 'tit for tat, I'm only doing it because you did it' way?

He does not sound nice. He sounds, frankly, unbalanced and wanting to control you and keep you down. You need rid of him and you need to talk to someone. Have you done the Freedom Programme? Because I think you've just exchanged one form of abuse for another.

MyCatHatesEverybody · 09/10/2020 12:18

As I’ve said, perhaps he’s not handling it great but I’m not sure how honest you were with him, and with us/yourself now.

Looking at the extent to which OP is beating herself up on here about what an awful dysfunctional person she is I very much doubt she's not being honest. There are red flags all over this situation such as OP having few friends and her DP talking about OP's "life before him"... the phrasing is extremely telling.

BillMasen · 09/10/2020 12:20

He’s not abusive.

He’s upset and angry at what looks and feels like being lied to. He doesn’t know whether op is telling the truth or continuing to lie. I’m guessing he wants to believe he’s only found out she continued contact but fears he’s found out she did more, and for longer, than she’s admitted.

It’s horrible being in that position. Lots of women post on here feeling exactly like that. They are not abusive.

He’s not handling it well, but I can see why

BillMasen · 09/10/2020 12:22

@MyCatHatesEverybody

As I’ve said, perhaps he’s not handling it great but I’m not sure how honest you were with him, and with us/yourself now.

She’s clarified she never said she’d break contact but he thought she had

Is that not lying by omission?

BillMasen · 09/10/2020 12:24

I’m not trying to beat her up here. I feel for anyone who’s made a mistake, then compounded it by being less than honest. That’s come back to bite and I know that feels horrible.

I just think he’s not totally in the wrong and shouldn’t be demonised for an understandable reaction.

Original poster

Selfdestruct · 09/10/2020 12:31

Billmasen

What do I do? Or is it hopeless

OP posts:

Asterion · 09/10/2020 12:32

I agree with @BillMasen. This guy found out his gf had "had a fumble" with her friend, there was a big issue but he stayed with her, then finds out she's been in contact with the friend all along.

He wants out because the trust is gone. Sad, but true, and he's literally told you that.

Cam2020 · 09/10/2020 12:35

It was a one off and the very beginning of the relationships and you were honest. You've tried to put him straight - there's absolutely nothing more you can do. If he doesn't believe you, that's his choice. I think possibly there's something more to this - like he wanted to break up and this is his excuse, perhaps? Or he never really believed you in the first place and has trust issues for some reason.

Give him some time to cool off, it could just be jealousy and hurt clouding his judgement, but let him come to you (if he does) - just don't expect that he will and live in false hope.

MyCatHatesEverybody · 09/10/2020 12:37

She’s clarified she never said she’d break contact but he thought she had

Is that not lying by omission?

OP had a one off drunken fumble and it simply didn't occur to her she should cut contact with a long standing friend due to a man she even in a official relationship with at that point. So no, I don't think so.

As for him having an understandable reaction, this reminds me of the "she divorced me for leaving the dishes by the sink." Taken in isolation the boyfriend wouldn't appear unreasonable for feeling hurt. However the OP's posts point to a "you're not good enough for me but you WILL make it up to me" dynamic from him rather than someone trying to work through their hurt in the hopes of moving on.

Asterion · 09/10/2020 12:39

Lol, it was "a few months in", at the last count. How would you all react if a woman came on here and said her BF had had a "fumble" with his friend a few months into their relationship (and by the way I doubt it only happened once ) and then kept in contact with her, even though the GF thought he had cut contact?

He's out of here, and I don't think there's anything you can do.

newnameforthis123 · 09/10/2020 12:44

@Asterion

) and then kept in contact with her, even though the GF thought he had cut contact?

He's out of here, and I don't think there's anything you can do.

There's no reason to doubt it happened once only.

If a woman came on saying this situation had happened I would say the same thing - it would be her prerogative to break up with him but going over and over and over again about it in such a spiteful way, labelling him a terrible person etc would be wrong and unproductive.

If it's over between OP and her partner then it's over. Both of them need to accept that and move on because these discussions are totally toxic and damaging all round.

Asterion · 09/10/2020 12:49

I'll tell you why I doubt it was one time only - and why maybe the BF is also doubting this - because first we were told it was very early on in the relationship, but then it turns out it was a few months in.

Also, she had that fumble and then went out with the same friend a few times.

him as I knew I’d made a huge mistake but only after I’d had a coupe of further nights out.

And then we find out she's been in continued contact with this friend, and messaging with him, even though she let the boyfriend think she'd cut contact.

The story is all over the place, and tbh I don't think the BF is abusive, I think he's fed up.

picklemewalnuts · 09/10/2020 12:50

How long did you remain in contact with him?
Are we still talking about something which happened two years ago when you weren't official? Or are we talking about someone you still see/talk to now?

It's easy to reply W thinking we understand when actually we've filled gaps in according to our own assumptions.

Either way, it's better for you to walk away from this. Either you've behaved badly, or he has. Either way, it's over.

BillMasen · 09/10/2020 12:52

Honestly OP I’m not sure what, if anything, you can do.

I think he’s torn between wanting to believe you (now) and fearing that he’s still not being told the whole truth. Unfortunately by being (a bit) deceptive when you told him, you’ve opened the gates to that feeling and tbh it’s not unusual or unreasonable for him to fear that.

If there’s nothing else you can add other than “I promise I’m telling you the whole truth now” then the ball has to be in his court.

Personally, I’ll always regret believing “I wasn’t honest then but I am now” as it transpired that leopards don’t change their spots. I am conscious that’s personal though. I’d advise him to leave, but he’s not asking advice. I advise you to be totally transparent, and leave him to decide how he feels.

MyCatHatesEverybody · 09/10/2020 12:53

@Asterion OP also says they weren't officially in a relationship because they were long distance.

Plenty of women post on MN to say their DH cheated and they're advised it's probably wise not to stay but if they do, that they can't keep bringing up the past. I don't see any difference here.

Asterion · 09/10/2020 12:57

Well perhaps if the OP told us why this became an issue again, it might help. Was it because her BF discovered she'd been in touch with this guy all along? How did he come to see the messages? How did it all get brought up again?

I think there's a fair amount we're not being told here.

BillMasen · 09/10/2020 13:08

[quote MyCatHatesEverybody]@Asterion OP also says they weren't officially in a relationship because they were long distance.

Plenty of women post on MN to say their DH cheated and they're advised it's probably wise not to stay but if they do, that they can't keep bringing up the past. I don't see any difference here.[/quote]
I agree with not keep bringing up the past

But this guy has new information that throws doubt on the what he was told. I think that’s not simply bringing up the past but he’s entitled to think he’s been lied to

Very different

ClaireP20 · 09/10/2020 13:15

You don't 'deserve everything you get'. You had a drunken fumble when you'd only been with your fella a short time. You weren't married with two children! So go easy on yourself. We are humans, with all the human frailties that come with that. You made a mistake, a minor one, you fessed up and said sorry. He has over-reacted. Sorry but I think he has. So whatever happens next, don't let him make you feel like you've murdered someone!

Asterion · 09/10/2020 13:17

But surely "a few months" out of a two year relationship is not "a short time"? It could be almost half!

Original poster

Selfdestruct · 09/10/2020 13:37

The relationship is well over two years but that’s not really relevant at this point.

Bill has summarised it very well but just to be clear nothing else happened bar some texts of a normal
Nature that’s we usually send which yes shouldn’t have happened and to prove that there were no more stupid mistakes I showed him the messages yes I should have deleted those and the fact they were there obviously seems like it was an ongoing thing. So yes Bill is right but I’d never do anything like it and have never done anything like it either

OP posts:

excelledyourself · 09/10/2020 13:44

I never delete my messages and I wouldn't have stopped contact with an "old friend" for someone I'd been in a short term relationship with, if I'd done what you did. Is that what he expected you to have done? Surely your texts show nothing further happened?

MyCatHatesEverybody · 09/10/2020 13:45

@Selfdestruct why is it that you no longer have many friends these days?

Original poster

Selfdestruct · 09/10/2020 13:49

They do but there is some banter so it appears that there is some kind of closeness, there isn’t and there has never been any attraction either. In his mind this sort of behaviour even if not in a relationship is completely wrong and he thinks that is a character flaw.

A lot has been taken out of context and I have no way of proving it

OP posts:

RantyAnty · 09/10/2020 14:02

You said it was long distance at the time. Had you met your DP at that time?

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6