Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I’m dreading my husband coming home

575 replies

Goodbadanduglyyyy · 07/10/2020 20:14

My husband has been away since June working abroad. He is due home at the weekend.

He is a very clean person and likes things done in a particular way. Put it this way, the house looks like a show home when he is here. Every time he is away at work for a long period of time he always asks me, will the house be nice for me coming home?

The house is never untidy, but it’s his particular kind of clean and i just dread it. I’m literally on my hands and knees getting every skirting board, light switch, door handle cleaned and it takes days. We have 2 young kids and I also work.

He will ask at least once a week while he is away if the house will be nice for him and I just feel massive pressure to have it done. He says “all I ask for is a clean house, nothing else”. But it’s not a normal clean that he likes

I put my foot down last year, I only managed to do half of the house and told him I was exhausted with kids etc and that he would have to finish the rest if he wanted it done. He sulked and the following day he made us both do it and was ordering me around telling me what to clean and how to clean it.

I know this sounds ridiculous.. I just needed to get this off my chest Sad

OP posts:
billy1966 · 07/10/2020 20:18

You have posted before OP?
I remember this.

He's a selfish prick.
You know this.Flowers

MostDisputesDieAndNoOneShoots · 07/10/2020 20:20

Fuck that mate. Literally zero chance I would be doing that.

billy1966 · 07/10/2020 20:20

Tell him not to bother coming home.
Tell him stay in a B&B and take the children out.

You will be happier.

StephenBelafonte · 07/10/2020 20:20

Can you get a cleaning company in to clean it all the day before he comes home?

Or you could just tell him to clean it himself or fuck off back to where he came from if he doesn't like the cleanliness of the house

Can you tell i've had enough of hearing about arsehole men on these boards lol?

JoanApple · 07/10/2020 20:21

Just get a cleaner.

user13745865422563 · 07/10/2020 20:22

He needs to fuck off.

Stop venting to try to survive his nasty, controlling bullshit and get rid of him instead.

nimbuscloud · 07/10/2020 20:22

Or you could just tell him to clean it himself or fuck off back to where he came from if he doesn't like the cleanliness of the house

This. A thousand times.

PamDemic · 07/10/2020 20:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

GeorginaTheGiant · 07/10/2020 20:22

This is neither right nor normal. You should be full of joy at the thought of your husband coming home, not scrubbing the skirting boards in terror. He sounds awful. He should be so grateful to you for bringing up your children single handedly for months on end while also working, not criticising your housekeeping skills. He’s either mentally unwell (OCD) or abusive, my money is on the latter.

MoonDelay · 07/10/2020 20:23

If he wants it clinically clean he can do it himself.

You do enough already

Echobelly · 07/10/2020 20:24

It sounds almost as if he just wants you around to get the house to a state of cleanliness that he can't be bothered to achieve himself.

HaggisBurger · 07/10/2020 20:24

This is emotional abuse and weird controlling behaviour @Goodbadanduglyyyy. Surely you know that. You’ve been on your own looking after 2 kids and working FT. Is he controlling / obsessive in other ways?

Sexnotgender · 07/10/2020 20:24

He’s awful. Do you love him?

Dery · 07/10/2020 20:24

“He says “all I ask for is a clean house, nothing else”.”

But that’s a lie, isn’t it? He also asks you to do all the parenting while he’s away. Which is huge. Don’t fall for that line any more. He’s asking huge amounts of you. Start standing up for yourself.

I think Billy’s got it right.

Megan2018 · 07/10/2020 20:24

Why are you putting up with this? It’s abusive behaviour.
Either stand up to him or leave, this is just a ridiculous way to live.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 07/10/2020 20:24

What do you get out of this relationship now?.

Have you actually considered divorcing him?. This is no life for you and for your children because you could never live up to his exacting standards and he is not above getting you to clean even more when he is home. Who died and made him the king of clean/your overlord?.

What’s he like towards them when he is home?. I presume their toys and whatnot are all put away after playtime. Does he moan at you and or them if they are not?.
.
His previous sulking episode too towards you is actually an example of emotional abuse. The responsibility for his sulk is all his, not yours.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships and what are they learning here?

Aquamarine1029 · 07/10/2020 20:25

I also like a clean house, but your husband is being flat out abusive and unreasonable. My advice is to stop this madness right now, and stop allowing him to control you. Clean what you want and fuck the rest, and definitely don't stand for any lecturing or sulking. I think you may need to seriously reevaluate your marriage if he doesn't knock this shit off.

turnthebiglightoff · 07/10/2020 20:25

Yeah he's a total wanker, OP. But you know this. He needs to go and you can live however you want then.

TwilightSkies · 07/10/2020 20:25

He sounds very controlling and I think there are much deeper issues than the cleanliness of the house

averylongtimeago · 07/10/2020 20:25

And what happens if you just say no?
Are you afraid of violence or "just" sulking and shouting?

You are not his servant- it is not just his home, it's yours too.
Is this how you want to live for the rest of your life?

Audreyseyebrows · 07/10/2020 20:25

Why are you letting him do this?

Surely the ‘only’ thing he could wish for while he is away is for you and his children to be safe, happy and healthy?

Evilwasps · 07/10/2020 20:26

I presume as he works away for long periods it is because he gets paid well to do so. Tell him if he wants it done to his high standards then he can arrange and pay for a cleaner.
It is your house too, and you live there more than he does, so he can take it how he finds it, unless he's prepared to step up physically or financially. Does he can have no idea how he's making you feel? because that's the real problem here, not how clean your house is

Grobagsforever · 07/10/2020 20:26

You know he's a wanker and you deserve better. Your children will witness him abusing you by bullying you into cleaning like a Handmaid.

Are you financially independent?

Evilwasps · 07/10/2020 20:27

I presume as he works away for long periods it is because he gets paid well to do so. Tell him if he wants it done to his high standards then he can arrange and pay for a cleaner.
It is your house too, and you live there more than he does, so he can take it how he finds it, unless he's prepared to step up physically or financially. Does he can have no idea how he's making you feel? because that's the real problem here, not how clean your house is

Gizmo79 · 07/10/2020 20:27

Sorry, nothing useful to add apart from he is an absolute twat if that is what is bothering him. He should be excited to see you and your kids, not worrying about a bit of dust!

Swipe left for the next trending thread