Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I’m dreading my husband coming home

575 replies

Goodbadanduglyyyy · 07/10/2020 20:14

My husband has been away since June working abroad. He is due home at the weekend.

He is a very clean person and likes things done in a particular way. Put it this way, the house looks like a show home when he is here. Every time he is away at work for a long period of time he always asks me, will the house be nice for me coming home?

The house is never untidy, but it’s his particular kind of clean and i just dread it. I’m literally on my hands and knees getting every skirting board, light switch, door handle cleaned and it takes days. We have 2 young kids and I also work.

He will ask at least once a week while he is away if the house will be nice for him and I just feel massive pressure to have it done. He says “all I ask for is a clean house, nothing else”. But it’s not a normal clean that he likes

I put my foot down last year, I only managed to do half of the house and told him I was exhausted with kids etc and that he would have to finish the rest if he wanted it done. He sulked and the following day he made us both do it and was ordering me around telling me what to clean and how to clean it.

I know this sounds ridiculous.. I just needed to get this off my chest Sad

OP posts:
crankysaurus · 07/10/2020 20:27

He orders you about? You know that's not right.

AnyFucker · 07/10/2020 20:28

Seriously ?

AmandaHoldensLips · 07/10/2020 20:28

You do realise that your husband isn't your boss, right?

OhTheRoses · 07/10/2020 20:29

OP I like a clean and tidy house. DH is pernickety. He spent a lot of time working away when the dc were small. We always had "tidy up time" before bath time.

I was happy to humour him but I could always tell him to fuck off whingeing and to belt up.

Oldbutstillgotit · 07/10/2020 20:30

This is very familiar . Either you have posted about this before or there 2 unfortunate women with similar twats for husbands .

meistar · 07/10/2020 20:31

Did you consider he might have an OCD syndrome? I suggest persuading him to consider this, if agrees to visit a doctor. Being crazy about cleanliness and tidiness in extremes could be a sign of it: www.nhs.uk/conditions/obsessive-compulsive-disorder-ocd/symptoms/

Disfordarkchocolate · 07/10/2020 20:32

Next time tell him to pay for a cleaner. This sounds miserable to live with. You are at home with 2 children and working, he should be happy your keeping everyone fed and loved and stop being such an arse.

mbosnz · 07/10/2020 20:32

I'm a clean nutter. I clean on my terms, nobody else's. And I would never expect somebody else to clean to my terms and my standards. That's why I don't have a cleaner.

And when DH came home from long periods working away, it was sometimes to unclogging the bog, cooking a meal, and talking his wife down from the bloody roof.

SoulofanAggron · 07/10/2020 20:32

I would not be with this man. Or at least I'd have to have words with him. Ordering you around? No way!

Aquamarine1029 · 07/10/2020 20:33

Did you consider he might have an OCD syndrome?

He very well may, but that does not give him a free pass to be abusive and controlling.

crankysaurus · 07/10/2020 20:33

I know a few people with OCD and it doesn't turn you into an arsehole.

Original poster
Goodbadanduglyyyy · 07/10/2020 20:33

Yes I think I have posted before, quite a long time ago Blush nothing has really changed since then.

We could get a cleaner I suppose, I don’t really like people in my space touching my things though. He’s never mentioned a cleaner before.

I could leave it, but his reaction would be shit.. and plus we would just spend the next 2-3 days after he’s home doing bloody housework.

He can be obsessive in other ways, just with having things in order etc. I wouldn’t say he’s controlling towards me, but then this post kind of shows he is.

I don’t know if I do love him to be honest, I feel sometimes I do, and others I don’t.

There’s definitely no violence that I’m worried about, just the sulking and feeling like I haven’t done enough.

I’ve had a long day, caring for a poorly relative, work, kids being handfuls and now I’m crying away to clean my one of my bathrooms. I wish it was as easy to just “not do it” but I feel like I have to. I wish I was stronger

OP posts:
Coffeecak3 · 07/10/2020 20:35

Just message back.
It will be cleaned to my standard and if that isn’t good enough don’t bother coming home.

crankysaurus · 07/10/2020 20:35

Flowers sorry OP, that sounds a really shit way to live.

burglarbettybaby · 07/10/2020 20:35

Shock he should be absolutely ashamed of this bullying

TwentyViginti · 07/10/2020 20:36

@billy1966

You have posted before OP? I remember this.

He's a selfish prick.
You know this.Flowers

Sounds familiar to me too.
babycakes1010 · 07/10/2020 20:37

What a prick...if he wants it to his standards he can do it himself!
Sorry but he sounds an entitled cunt

Could · 07/10/2020 20:37

Gosh, this is awful.

Sounds like a one-off clean by professionals would be a good compromise.

Rgy3250999 · 07/10/2020 20:38

Sorry but you’re a mug for putting up with this!

He’s been away since June and all he wants is to see his clean house? Not wanting to see you and the kids, to see that the children have been well fed and cared for, to see you’re doing ok at work, to see that you’re all happy, to have missed you etc. And you don’t feel like you’re looking forward to him coming home because you’ve missed him and aren’t sure if you still love him - so why are you together?

When you say ‘if I don’t clean, he’ll have you cleaning the first 2/3 days’ - he can’t make you do this! So why do you? You’re enforcing his OCD behaviour and your children will pick up on this over time too. Do you want them to think it’s normal to be immaculate and clinically clean at all times? You need to change this for everyone’s sake.

Swaning · 07/10/2020 20:38

I think you should stop enabling his obsessive behaviour and mental health issues. Its time he acknowledged he has obsessive issues and went to speak to someone about it.

With you just bending over to appease him the root of the issue and no doubt he will just get worse.

VettiyaIruken · 07/10/2020 20:39

Why do "we" have to spend several days cleaning it.
When he orders you to clean with him - say no.

Mum2jenny · 07/10/2020 20:39

Personally I’d pay a cleaner if I could afford it, otherwise he can just get on with the cleaning when he’s home. You can’t work full time and look after kids and keep the house immaculate. Surely the children must come first rather than the cleaning! I’d be asking for additional money to get a cleaner for 4 hours a week if he has any complaints.

ChodeOfChodeBall · 07/10/2020 20:39

Oh OP. This is horrible to read.

Whatever his reasons for this are, you shouldn't have to bend to them. It's reasonable for him to want his home not to be a complete shit tip - but if you do have a full-time job, it is your joint responsibility to ensure that you keep on top of it.

My XH was a bit obsessed with tidiness, and I am a domestic catastrophe. We met somewhere in the middle, and both did a bit. That seemed a reasonable compromise. I was a SAHM (and he acknowledged that I was good at it - though it didn't involve obsessive cleaning).

Basic 'clean and tidy' is a reasonable compromise. Anything beyond that is the responsibility of the person who's a bit obsessive.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 07/10/2020 20:41

You are a working mother, single parent since June, caring for sick relative but all he cares about is this obsessive cleaning, not the fact that you could use that time on the kids.

I could leave it, but his reaction would be shit.. and plus we would just spend the next 2-3 days after he’s home doing bloody housework.
He can be obsessive in other ways, just with having things in order etc. I wouldn’t say he’s controlling towards me, but then this post kind of shows he is.

You know this is so wrong.

Tistheseason17 · 07/10/2020 20:41

Tell him he needs to stay in a hotel. Twat.