I’m dreading my husband coming home

[Goodbadanduglyyyy]

My husband has been away since June working abroad. He is due home at the weekend.

He is a very clean person and likes things done in a particular way. Put it this way, the house looks like a show home when he is here. Every time he is away at work for a long period of time he always asks me, will the house be nice for me coming home?

The house is never untidy, but it’s his particular kind of clean and i just dread it. I’m literally on my hands and knees getting every skirting board, light switch, door handle cleaned and it takes days. We have 2 young kids and I also work.

He will ask at least once a week while he is away if the house will be nice for him and I just feel massive pressure to have it done. He says “all I ask for is a clean house, nothing else”. But it’s not a normal clean that he likes

I put my foot down last year, I only managed to do half of the house and told him I was exhausted with kids etc and that he would have to finish the rest if he wanted it done. He sulked and the following day he made us both do it and was ordering me around telling me what to clean and how to clean it.

I know this sounds ridiculous.. I just needed to get this off my chest

[quote Dery]@MulticolourMophead - you've had great advice on this thread and it's great how you're now standing up to your partner (like PP, I think he chose you as a much younger partner precisely so he could be the one in charge and knowing a woman his age wouldn't tolerate his BS).

Just wanted to add: since you get on so well with your FIL, I hope you are encouraging him to stay. It sounds nicer for both of you.[/quote]
Think you're confusing me with the OP?

@MulticolourMophead - yes, indeed. Though I've always thought your FIL sounded like a great bloke, too !

@Goodbadanduglyyyy - my post was intended for you.

I really can't over his comments of "I was only trying to help"

How on Earth is demanding that the house is kept pristine helpful to anyone

If anyone is that bothered they do it them selves.

Stitchy is spot on with all the manipulation that is pouring out of him 🤬

OP I think by far the best thing you can say now is nothing. You pushing contact (as in wanting to talk) is not helping because he's just winding himself up and justifying everything. Like when he said he would let you go and you said that you thought you should talk.

A few days ago you went a bit quiet and that was the most sense you've had out of him so far. If he starts up just say you don't want to talk, you've told him how you feel and if he can't take that on board and deal with it then you just don't want to discuss it. Then just leave your phone in another room for hours and go out/be busy.

If you don't want yo split I think you need to learn to communicate with each other. You're still very young and making classic mistakes (we all did it!! And sometimes still do!!) and despite the fact he's much older he is behaving childishly and selfishly. So you're not going to get far as there's no adult conversations happening.

But he's also trying to normalise his behaviour which absolutely must not be allowed. It's NOT normal - however he needs someone else - not you, not family to tell him that. That's where a good counsellor will tell him what's what.

In the meantime just back away and let him worry and fill that space with thinking about what he has done and let him think you're slipping away and he needs to make an effort.

And quite frankly I have no sympathy for his feeling shit. He's left you at home with young children and made you and his father very stressed with his nonsense. He's not the fucking king. The world does not revolve around him.

It's very common that abusive men in their later twenties choose a teenager to date and marry - it's a huge red flag!!

He has trained you for years to have him on a pedestal and run around being who he wants you to be with no consideration for you as a person.

He wants an immaculate house and 2.2 children and a wife and to do fuck all apart from go to work.

Could you imagine how easy your life would be if you only ever worked and occasionally looked after the DC and everything else was done for you??

I never heard from him until tea time last night. He asked how myself and the kids were and that was it really, very short convos back and forth.

I’m going to see what happens when he gets home. Usually he arrives home drunk because him and his buddy drink the whole way home on the flight. That really riles me, especially when I pick him up because the children are so excited to see him and he’s drunk. My youngest won’t understand but my eldest certainly does.

There will certainly be a talk this weekend which I’m not looking forward to.

Every update he just sounds worse.

You mind yourself OP.

Well stop picking him up.

"Take the train home as you suggested so you can sober up before the DC see you"

a taxi?

I think it's going to be some years before you understand how to deal with men like this. Firstly you should make sure you are not there when he arrives drunk. You definitely shouldn't pick him up. As for him being mr ocd perfect - he's away with his mates having fun leaving you to look after the whole fucking lot. Then suddenly wants it immaculate. What a fucking child he is.

What ? So Mr perfect rocks in drunk, (to his pristine house) & isn't really interested in seeing his kids/wife. Tosser

Goodbadanduglyyyy

Your OH arrives home drunk after months of not seeing his kids????

Quite a catch you have there OP.

My god, i was only thinking about my "old life" this morning, where my sons dad who is now MIA was just like this. One day he came home from work, my son was 6 months old and there was a mark on the skirting board. He asked me what it was and where if had come from, my reply was i dont know but ive obviously got on my hands and knees and put it there myself! He said he would out my head through a wall if i spoke to him like that again and if he came home to find the house like it again, house been immaculate with a slight mark on the skirting no exaggeration! I left that night and that was it. You may not believe it as you love your husband but if it puts you on edge and gives you anxiety its controlling abusive behaviour and you need to tell him how he makes you feel. You have a young family and a job pf your own, you can jot have an immaculate house all of the time....

I hope you didnt marry my ex 🙈🙈🙈

Your DCs should not be exposed to this drunk. It will cause them significant emotional injury. He is not emotionally available to them in this state - and they know and sense this leaving them confused and disappointed.

Take the kids out somewhere until her sobers up and his hangover clears - unless this is another issue you deal with.

Who is doing all of your FIL care? Is it you with MIL dropping in for 10 mins? If so on top of everything else dumped on you these two have done you up like a kipper.

When he is home is he on leave or still working?

Op you honestly deserve better

Seriously tell him if he wants it show house clean to hire a cleaner. Unbelievable you are putting up with this op.

OP, he sounds worse and worse all the time.

I cannot imagine a situation where DH has been away from us and when he gets back he isn't 100% focused on seeing us and being with us. To turn up completely drunk is just beyond unacceptable and so unpleasant.

Good luck with his return this weekend.

Oh Goodbad, with each post it just gets worse and worse.

Going to assume that when he is at work he isn't able to drink alcohol? Had this with exp who could see no problem with having a 'few' drinks on the way home as he hadn't been able to drink for x amount of weeks. Look I don't begrudge anyone having a glass of wine or a beer or two, but going overboard whilst travelling, thats a nope, and to me an indicator of a more serious issue.

I hope you are okay OP. Has your fil decided to stay with you?

I hope your FiL is still with you as having another adult in the house even if not in the same room might make your conversation at the weekend at bit easier to cope with (as in he will tone it down being scared of being "caught out" by FiL as the witness to his abuse). Could the kids go out or watch a film with grandad whilst you have that talk?

Well after that update, I have no hesitation to say you need to double up on the therapy and find the courage to leave this pathetic loser. Ask your therapist specifically for help getting him out or getting yourself and the children out.

Set a timetable of six months to a year to get this accomplished.

He has no regard at all for you or for your children. You are wasting your life on him.

@Goodbadanduglyyyy

Wrt your post of Tue 13-Oct-20 07:03:19 - there is no way a talk with this man is going to have any good result.

He is gaslighting you and has no intention of accepting that what he has been doing has had a terrible effect on you. He will never take responsibility for any of it.

Denying there has been a problem, presenting his impeccable intentions and asking you to judge him by those instead of the horrible effect of his words and actions on you, heavily hinting that his preference for a spotless house is normal (while your preference is not normal), and in general disputing that there is a problem and that something is wrong with you are all examples of gaslighting.

Gaslighting is a form of abuse in itself.
Gaslighting is a form of psychological manipulation in which a person ... covertly sows seeds of doubt in a targeted individual or group, making them question their own memory, perception, or judgment, often evoking in them cognitive dissonance and other changes, including low self-esteem. (Wikipedia)

The implication of his comment on working hard for the car - that he enjoys certain rights conferred by his salary - is chilling. He has dangerous notions about his position in the family and in the relationship. He will not change, because doing so would force him to regard you and treat you as an equal, which would involve a serious loss of status for him, in his own mind.

You must make plans to end this toxic marriage.

He sounds awful. Get a cleaner and make him pay.

Do not pick him up. Just don’t. Start getting some guts. What the hell are you doing with this loser?? Your kids are seeing and hearing all this and learning how to treat people from him! For the sake of being a good parent get rid

He sounds dreadful . Now he's trying to make you feel guilty when you've called him out . Stand your ground -

People are advised against getting drunk on a plane, as if there is an emergency, your survival may depend on how alert you are. I would have no more than 2 drinks, maximum on a plane. On a train or bus I don't think I'd worry so much. But he shouldn't be getting tipsy at all, let alone drunk on a plane, he sounds like an irresponsible jerk. Airlines can actually ban you from boarding, at the outset, if they suspect you intoxicated as you become a health and safety risk not just to yourself, but to others around you.

The irony of him wanting a clean house while he is a dishevelled drunk who can't even connect with his own wife and children when arriving back home is hypocritical. Give me a house that looks lived in and a sober husband and father over a pristine house with a drunk who is more interested in drinking on a plane than looking forward to seeing his own wife and children.

The PPs are right, he sounds like a worthless and selfish arsehole the more you tell us. He thinks he has high standards but gets too drunk on the plane to connect with his wife and kids. After not seeing them for weeks/months. I would be devastated if my husband thought so little of me and his own children. A clean house doesn't make high standards, a person's attitude and behaviour does. And his shows his personal standards are very low. I myself would have read the riot act the first time he got drunk on the plane and made sure it never happened again! For safety, if no other reason. Tbh I think you and the poor kids would be far better off without this emotionally unavailable arsehole.