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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I’m dreading my husband coming home

575 replies

Goodbadanduglyyyy · 07/10/2020 20:14

My husband has been away since June working abroad. He is due home at the weekend.

He is a very clean person and likes things done in a particular way. Put it this way, the house looks like a show home when he is here. Every time he is away at work for a long period of time he always asks me, will the house be nice for me coming home?

The house is never untidy, but it’s his particular kind of clean and i just dread it. I’m literally on my hands and knees getting every skirting board, light switch, door handle cleaned and it takes days. We have 2 young kids and I also work.

He will ask at least once a week while he is away if the house will be nice for him and I just feel massive pressure to have it done. He says “all I ask for is a clean house, nothing else”. But it’s not a normal clean that he likes

I put my foot down last year, I only managed to do half of the house and told him I was exhausted with kids etc and that he would have to finish the rest if he wanted it done. He sulked and the following day he made us both do it and was ordering me around telling me what to clean and how to clean it.

I know this sounds ridiculous.. I just needed to get this off my chest Sad

OP posts:
bethany39 · 07/10/2020 20:58

He hasn't seen you and the kids since June, you're run ragged doing everything single handed and the only thing he cares about is how clean the house is?

He is allowed to have different standards but the only acceptable thing for him to do is to say "thanks for holding everything together at home while I've been away darling" and send you to relax somewhere while he cleans the house if he's that fucking bothered.

And the sulking is emotional abuse. He doesn't give a fuck about your feelings OP. I wouldn't give a fuck about his. Stop cleaning the fucking bathroom and start making plans to leave him.

FusionChefGeoff · 07/10/2020 20:58

This is really sad Sad

You both (him because he's a twat, you because you've been conditioned into it by his twattishness) both care more about clean skirting boards than each other.

BMW6 · 07/10/2020 20:58

Op if he wants the house cleaned to HIS standards let him crack on, but if he expects you to tell him to Fuck Off!

He is NOT your boss. He does not get to dictate how you clean (within reason of course - if you were a hoarder it would be different).

In short he is being extremely unreasonable and controlling. This is no way to live.

Eddielzzard · 07/10/2020 20:58

I remember your last thread. It seems nothing in resolved. I agree with MrsTerryPratchett

widespreadpanic · 07/10/2020 21:00

Fuck that nonsense. Hire a maid or tell him to do it. I couldn’t live with that type of anxiety every day.

Evilwasps · 07/10/2020 21:01

OP the thing is, you are strong. You run the household single handedly while he's away for months at a time. But I know how much he will be messing with your head. Try to change your mindset to that of strong and capable matriarch of the household, the kind of person who runs the show (which you are), who nobody dare mess with.
Who is he to come back after 4 months away and tell you your cleaning is not up to scratch?!

It's either that, accept the way it is, or separate, which you could absolutely cope with because you already do everything just fine on your own.

Original poster
Goodbadanduglyyyy · 07/10/2020 21:01

Thanks to everyone for the advice, I feel like I needed them comments.

I have it in my head that im cleaning this week and getting everything sorted so I will, but I’m not going to go the whole hog like I usually do and there’s going to be a conversation about the cleaning.

In regards to people saying he should be letting me away to relax when he comes home because I’ve been stuck with the kids. I had a hair appointment booked for the day after he is due home, and he wasn’t happy because I was “leaving him” so soon after he was getting home, so asked me to change my appointment. No relaxing for me unfortunately

OP posts:
Jeeperscreepers69 · 07/10/2020 21:02

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Thecobwebsarewinning · 07/10/2020 21:04

Manage his expectations now while he is still far away. Tell him you know he likes things super neat and clean but with all you have been going on you haven’t had time to keep to his standards. Say you can either work on it together over the next few weeks or would he rather you got cleaners in?

What he is expecting is unreasonable. By going along with it for a quiet life you are enabling his unreasonable expectations.

Soften it by saying you and the kids are really looking forward to seeing him and having a nice dinner/quiet evening in/whatever. It might not soothe him but it could be a subtle reminder that there should be more to family life than dust free mouldings.

Poppingnostopping · 07/10/2020 21:04

I also remember this post from before, I'm sorry nothing has changed OP- what's it going to take for something to change do you think?

Jeeperscreepers69 · 07/10/2020 21:04

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trevorandsimon · 07/10/2020 21:05

You've posted about this before and received plenty of good advice. Now you need to decide whether you accept what he's giving you, you tell him it's unacceptable or you make plans to separate cos you don't want to do it anymore. No one is able to change the status quo but you. Make a decision and do it.

Hadalifeonce · 07/10/2020 21:05

Please reinstate your hair appointment let him look after the DC for a while, enjoy lunch out, or at least a coffee.

Scweltish · 07/10/2020 21:07

The cleaning was bad enough, but he’s made you cancel a hair appointment?? Stand up for yourself ffs!!

RockingMyFiftiesNot · 07/10/2020 21:09

I'm sorry OP but this sounds abusive to me

Inertia · 07/10/2020 21:09

The thing is, a clean home isn't all he's asking for.

He is expecting you to provide non-stop child care for his children, 24/7, for months on end (if they are school age, you are the only parent available if they are ill, or for school closures). Any homework, activities, clubs, parties etc are down to you to facilitate.

He's expecting you to work and contribute to family income with no support from him in terms of managing the family.

He's expecting you to fit the care of your relative around everything else, without providing any support.

On top of that, he's expecting you to fit in a professional-standard deep clean.

That's four potentially full-time jobs (hard to know without details of children's age/ relative's care) for one person. Of course it's unreasonable.

Zaphodsotherhead · 07/10/2020 21:11

You need to re read your last thread, OP.

The advice will be the same.

At the FIRST SIGN of him opening his mouth and complaining about the cleanliness of the house, you hand him the kids and the cleaning stuff and say 'it's so easy, you do it.' And then take yourself off out for the day. He can 'bond' with his children whilst finding out what it takes to try to clean a house to his standards with small children following him around.

What do you think will happen? Are you frightened of him? He must have a fair bit of power in the relationship if he's made you cancel an appointment just so you can 'spend time with him' (will he spend that time in bed asleep? Or 'making' you clean? Not exactly quality time, is it?). Just leave him to it, Honestly. His reaction will tell you all you need to know about the future of your relationship.

randomer · 07/10/2020 21:13

OP are you from the UK?

amusedtodeath1 · 07/10/2020 21:13

Tell him you will clean to your standards, if that's not good enough for him, he can do it himself. He sounds like a control freak but you don't have to live like this.

You should be looking forward to seeing him after so long, not dreading it. There's something seriously wrong with that.

billy1966 · 07/10/2020 21:13

Hugely abusive relationship.

He's not in the country for months yet is controlling you utterly.

Dashel · 07/10/2020 21:14

I would get his point about the hair appointment if he was so excited about seeing you and zither dc that he wanted to catch up and go out with you somewhere nice.

I remember a thread about someone cleaning out the washing machine drawers and filters and it was a total deep clean that’s insane. You need to grow a back bone and let him know how that he is being an arse and unreasonable and it could be considered abusive as he is in effect forcing you to clean insanely or be punished like a naughty child. This isn’t ok and it’s not normal.

Don’t keep putting it off as otherwise you will never do it and it might be easier to do it via a distance and so he knows that things are changing.

Cam77 · 07/10/2020 21:14

So he hasn't seen you or his young children for months on end but sounds like he is fixated on the cleanliness of his house rather than seeing his family. Sounds like he could do with seeing a shrink and the two of you a marriage counsellor. Sorry for the bluntness but his behaviour is not normal in the slightest.

thecatsarecrazy · 07/10/2020 21:15

2 kids and working you can only do so much. If everything is tidy, vacuum and dust that's all he can expect. I have a 3 year old and I'm lucky if I can make the beds, do breakfast dishes and put a wash on without him wrecking the house

Lemming20 · 07/10/2020 21:16

Cripes Op, this isn’t normal. You should be excited to see DH after so much time and not scared. He’s a bully and you should stand up to him. If for any reason standing up to him scares you, that is also not normal. Please reach out to someone IRL- a friend perhaps. Tell him to clean his own bloody house after you have been working and looking after the kids (both of which are full time jobs in my opinion and he only has one job). Good luck Flowers x

JaniceBattersby · 07/10/2020 21:16

This is absolutely dreadful. Does he have a house to run and two kids to chase and clean up after wherever he is while he’s away?

I’d tell him you want to separate. You’re doing it all yourself anyway. At least then you wouldn’t be on pins with him coming back to give you marks out of ten.

What an atrocious bastard.

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