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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I’m dreading my husband coming home

575 replies

Goodbadanduglyyyy · 07/10/2020 20:14

My husband has been away since June working abroad. He is due home at the weekend.

He is a very clean person and likes things done in a particular way. Put it this way, the house looks like a show home when he is here. Every time he is away at work for a long period of time he always asks me, will the house be nice for me coming home?

The house is never untidy, but it’s his particular kind of clean and i just dread it. I’m literally on my hands and knees getting every skirting board, light switch, door handle cleaned and it takes days. We have 2 young kids and I also work.

He will ask at least once a week while he is away if the house will be nice for him and I just feel massive pressure to have it done. He says “all I ask for is a clean house, nothing else”. But it’s not a normal clean that he likes

I put my foot down last year, I only managed to do half of the house and told him I was exhausted with kids etc and that he would have to finish the rest if he wanted it done. He sulked and the following day he made us both do it and was ordering me around telling me what to clean and how to clean it.

I know this sounds ridiculous.. I just needed to get this off my chest Sad

OP posts:
Heffalooomia · 07/10/2020 21:50

it's his way or no way isnt it:(

TenShortStories · 07/10/2020 21:51

How about he has his mum round to clean with him when he gets back, and you go off and enjoy your hair appointment.

I'd be tempted to pretend you thought that's what he meant and text back saying what a great idea and you'll message his mum to arrange it!

shesgonebatshitagain · 07/10/2020 21:52

@GeorginaTheGiant

This is neither right nor normal. You should be full of joy at the thought of your husband coming home, not scrubbing the skirting boards in terror. He sounds awful. He should be so grateful to you for bringing up your children single handedly for months on end while also working, not criticising your housekeeping skills. He’s either mentally unwell (OCD) or abusive, my money is on the latter.
Spot on
Mumoftwoyoungkids · 07/10/2020 21:52

“I’ve put the kids into care, given up my job and am shagging the gorgeous bloke down the road. But the house is immaculate. Presumably all this is fine by you as all you ask for is a clean house?”

BlueJava · 07/10/2020 21:53

I'm so sorry OP, but he shouldn't be like this! If you want to stay with him then just get a cleaner before he comes home and save the aggro. I assume he's an expat or similar so it shouldn't be an issue?

If you don't love him then I think you need to realise you should move on - he sounds totally unreasonable to me! My DP was a SAHD whilst I was the main wage earner, I appreciated he couldn't do it all and kids can be hugely tiring - we just got a cleaner: problem solved.

meistar · 07/10/2020 21:53

@Aquamarine1029

Did you consider he might have an OCD syndrome?

He very well may, but that does not give him a free pass to be abusive and controlling.

It’s not a free pass, the point is different. Diagnosing a problem gives you options.

a) accept the fact and start treatment, which can be a way to return things to normal (very common for OCD patients)
b) consider other options - divorce is one of them.

This is one of the situations where OP needs to set aside her anger or feelings of others, but take the most suitable decision for herself; what “she” thinks is best for her.

Serenschintte · 07/10/2020 21:54

Has he got OCD?

Cannotcope4223 · 07/10/2020 21:55

I’m sorry but you’ve allowed this OP. Just say no - and mean it. All this anxiety & stress stops now. You aren’t right for each other AT ALL.

EarthSight · 07/10/2020 21:59

I’m literally on my hands and knees getting every skirting board, light switch, door handle cleaned and it takes days. We have 2 young kids and I also work.

Oh no :( Days?? That's no life for you :( Seems like he can't be comfortable with anything other than a sterile box!

Revealall · 07/10/2020 21:59

He has issues. But you know that. Who asks every week if the house is tidy when they aren’t even there?
He’s not the boss of you.
Say no now. Call him out on the sulking.
It’s making you miserable, stressed and tired. Why would a husband do that to the woman he loves.
Christmas 2020 will be different anyway. Take advantage of it and give yourself the gift of a new start.

HollowTalk · 07/10/2020 21:59

Is he in the forces, OP?

giantangryrooster · 07/10/2020 22:00

Erh, ocd sufferers normally obsess with doing something themselves, no way would it be enough for an ocd sufferer to have other people doing it, in normal circumstances.

CandyLeBonBon · 07/10/2020 22:02

This sounds shite op. I'm depressed just reading it. Insist on a bloody cleaner. And not his mother. He sounds like a prick OP

jeaux90 · 07/10/2020 22:03

So he sulks. Then he makes you help him clean. He made you cancel your hair appointment even though you've had no time to yourself in months.

So it's passive aggressive and controlling.

What happens when you say no?

Do you ever say no?

Duanphen · 07/10/2020 22:04

Gratz, he's a lunatic. You can either take the sympathetic route and tell him to seek therapy for his clean obsession, or just leave him now so you can live your life without fear (he doesn't have to violent if he can control you with sulks, moods, endless cleaning jobs and making you move your appointments to suit him.)

He can clean it himself, or hire a cleaner and you can literally speak no more of it, or he can get therapy. This IS A Problem, and he has to pick a solution.

Personally I think it's "Sleeping with the Enemy" and he'll go batshit one day at the tins being out of order.

GalaKC · 07/10/2020 22:08

My ex was the same. If he even saw one toy on the floor or one ring mark somewhere he would go into a major hysterical frenzy, declaring the entire house a hellhole that needed to be burned down. He would spend lavish amounts on huge toys for the kids, just to show off, and then ban them from using them because they looked messy. Life with him was truly joyless. In the end I told him there was only one way for him to live in the immaculate show home he aspired our home to be: to get the hell out and live by himself.

ithinkiveseenthisfilmbefore · 07/10/2020 22:08

I'd leave the house how it is and tell him he can clean it himself if he's unhappy You've held down the fort at home 24/7 while he go quiet meals and quiet evenings to do what he liked for the past 4 months.

If he starts cleaning/bossing you around, pick up your car keys and tell him you're going out. he can spend some time with his children and clean the house since he thinks it's so easy.

And think about a divorce.

LilyWater · 07/10/2020 22:09

Come on OP, you're a grown adult, act like one. He can't "make" you do anything. If he wants a lovely clean show home then that's great, but then he's responsible for doing it himself to his own standard. Just lay it down like that, end of story and end of stress. If his behaviour is due to OCD then that's what therapy is there for.

JosiePyeTheOriginalMeanGirl · 07/10/2020 22:09

There's something wrong with him to be so obsessive and demanding about the cleanliness of the house. I don't know if it's a MH issue or if he's just a jerk, but either way, you shouldn't continue to put up with this.

His attitude is making you dread seeing him. I think I'd tell him exactly that. You're to the point of dreading him coming home because of this, and it's awful, because of course you want to look forward to seeing him again. It's too much pressure, and something has to change.

ithinkiveseenthisfilmbefore · 07/10/2020 22:09

You really, really need to stand up for yourself, OP.

Keep your hair appointment.

And refuse to clean to show home standards.

LannieDuck · 07/10/2020 22:10

If you're unwilling to stand up to him, get a cleaner.

ExtenuatingCircumstances · 07/10/2020 22:11

I’m in my 60’s, so older than most on MN and am amazed that women still tolerate this kind of behaviour from spouses/partners.
If my DH tried this I’d tell him to fuck off, but he does all the cleaning so I haven’t had the opportunity.
Tell him to hire a cleaner or do it himself.

Marie84 · 07/10/2020 22:12

No way! You have enough on your plate by the sounds of it! My ex wouldn't let me leave the house on a Sunday until the whole house was cleaned, hence why he's my ex!! When I got with my current partner I used to say things like "is it ok if I leave that bit of washing up until the morning" or "sorry I haven't had chance to hoover the whole house today" he doesn't care! He knows I work and have the kids to look after. Life it too short to be cleaning the whole time, if he wants it done a particular way I would suggest he does it himself!

Dinocan · 07/10/2020 22:15

I actually remember your last thread. Is he in the navy by any chance? It sounds like a form of coercive control to be honest. No one should feel worried about or ‘dread’ their spouse coming home. It’s not like your house is a complete shit hole. It sounds like a miserable marriage.

AudTheDeepMinded · 07/10/2020 22:17

Book yourself a couple of nights away in a hotel and see how he manages to keep the house clean and care for the kids at the same time. And stick him on the sick relative rota to boot. Ring him up the day you are due home and tell him you expect the house to be clean, as you've not asked for anything else...