I’m dreading my husband coming home

[Goodbadanduglyyyy]

My husband has been away since June working abroad. He is due home at the weekend.

He is a very clean person and likes things done in a particular way. Put it this way, the house looks like a show home when he is here. Every time he is away at work for a long period of time he always asks me, will the house be nice for me coming home?

The house is never untidy, but it’s his particular kind of clean and i just dread it. I’m literally on my hands and knees getting every skirting board, light switch, door handle cleaned and it takes days. We have 2 young kids and I also work.

He will ask at least once a week while he is away if the house will be nice for him and I just feel massive pressure to have it done. He says “all I ask for is a clean house, nothing else”. But it’s not a normal clean that he likes

I put my foot down last year, I only managed to do half of the house and told him I was exhausted with kids etc and that he would have to finish the rest if he wanted it done. He sulked and the following day he made us both do it and was ordering me around telling me what to clean and how to clean it.

I know this sounds ridiculous.. I just needed to get this off my chest

My SIL, with whom I acknowledge, we've had our differences, had a husband who had different standards to hers.

So she said, 'alright Jack, you go for it', and it was up to him.

OP, you wrote your post while I was writing mine.

Please don't wish you were anything different from how you are.

Relationships, especially long term, are not easy. But in the kind of situation you describe, you both need to work out a compromise.

Why do you put up with this?

Nobody would have me on my knees cleaning. If he wants to sulk..let him.
If take the kids and tell him ill be back when he's stopped sulking.

These kind of behaviours continue, because you bow to his demands.

Hand him a mop and bucket and dusters etc. the minute he crosses your threshold.

Sad that he doesn't see you as his no. 1 but it is the housework. Feck that.

I'd be gone unless he paid for a cleaner or did it himself.

Say you will provide the super clean house, no problem. He will provide the cleaner.

My Dh is a neat freak and I suspect OCD as it runs in the family. I used to do my best to clean to high standards, which invariably weren't as high as his until I thought fuck it, I am not the maid, housekeeper etc. I am here for the kids, not the house. I do not want to spend all my spare time cleaning. I don't get paid for it and get no pleasure from it. I am allowed to sit down, read etc. He is also quite capable of doing it himself or paying a cleaner. If I wanted to be one, I would have got a job as one. If my H tries to rope me into any jobs he sees as needing doing, I go out and leave him to it.

Tell him the house will be clean enough but you aren't going to kill yourself and he should be looking forward to catching up with you and the kids, not being a weirdo

What happened after the last time you posted for advice? Was there any improvement in his bloody awful controlling attitude towards you or did you just bow down to him again?
Please listen to what pps are saying, you need to make a stand or just leave. He sounds like a nightmare.

I'm afraid he needs to learn that having 2 young children makes it nigh impossible to have a spotlessly clean house. In order to achieve that at all times you would need to neglect your kids for hours a day and honestly, who puts cleaning before their children?

He has a problem by the sounds of it, OP. That doesn't mean you have to pander to it, though.

Please tell him exactly how you feel, just as you have here and that he either needs to do it himself, you have enough to do, or hire a cleaner.

He’s never mentioned a cleaner before.

Why would he when you’re on your hands and knees doing for free.

You work, look after kids and a sick relative. If he wants the house cleaned to his satisfaction he does it himself when he comes home or pays a cleaner.

I would go on the attack, you haven’t seen me and the dc in months and all you care about is the fucking house! You leave the dc and the running of the house to me alone for months whilst you get two bloody days to yourself every week!!! I need a break so I’m going to fuck off to my mates leaving you and the dc to sort out the house to see how much you get done!

What about hiring a cleaner? I’m like your husband and my DH goes mad. The only difference is I do all the ‘fussy’ cleaning and he just does the basics. If he likes it a certain way then he really needs to do it himself.

Book a cleaner.

It'll be handy once you've fucked him off in favour of being spoken to like a human being, rather than some wet behind the ears recruit on their first barracks inspection.

Yep. Get a cleaner. You have too much on your plate

This is shocking...and absolutely no way to live..

I wudnt put up with that.my ex was like that he used to come home from work run his finger over cupboards and show me speck of dust that's why hes my ex.tell him get a cleaner or he can stay home cook clean and look after the kids and you go to work.he should be showing you some respect

If my DH had been away for a that amount of time the last thing in his mind is bloody cleaning! Tell him you'd rather be getting four months worth of intimacy back before you even think about hoovering!

No that is not ok at all!

He's not "just" asking for a nice house though.

You are doing everything while he is away. Parenting single handed. Add a sick relative in and he's a being even more of a knob.

When someone works away it should be exciting and fun when they return. It shouldn't be something you dread. What do you get from staying married to him?

FWIW when DH works away we double our cleaners hours. Several of his colleagues only have a cleaner while they are away. Men who don't acknowledge that them being away makes life harder for the parent at home are knobs imo.

You're crying and worrying over doing it. And crying and worrying over not doing it. The only way the crying and worrying stops is to either stop caring, or stop the relationship.

Your choice. Not an easy one, but it belongs to you.

What have I just read. It's 2020, not Middle Ages. OP, please do the right thing.

Please please stop doing this, you are pulling yourself apart, and not being a good role model for your children. If he is going to sulk when he gets home and you haven't been slaving away. Just take the children out and ignore his childish behaviour. If he wants it to his standard then he can do it. Repeat this every time he either starts complaining or demand you clean. Only you can do this for yourself, leave him to sulk on his own.

"So the only thing you ask for is a clean house? Not to be with your wife, or to see your children again after four months? I've parented your children alone for you, and taken on every household responsibility for you whole you've been away. And all you care about is the house? Seriously, don't bother coming home"

Thing is though, i bet even if you booked a cleaner their work wouldn't be good enough. This is about YOU doing the cleaning, not the cleaning. In my opinion.

Imagine being away from your wife and children for months and all you want is a clean house.

Nasty, bullying, prick.