I’m dreading my husband coming home

[Goodbadanduglyyyy]

My husband has been away since June working abroad. He is due home at the weekend.

He is a very clean person and likes things done in a particular way. Put it this way, the house looks like a show home when he is here. Every time he is away at work for a long period of time he always asks me, will the house be nice for me coming home?

The house is never untidy, but it’s his particular kind of clean and i just dread it. I’m literally on my hands and knees getting every skirting board, light switch, door handle cleaned and it takes days. We have 2 young kids and I also work.

He will ask at least once a week while he is away if the house will be nice for him and I just feel massive pressure to have it done. He says “all I ask for is a clean house, nothing else”. But it’s not a normal clean that he likes

I put my foot down last year, I only managed to do half of the house and told him I was exhausted with kids etc and that he would have to finish the rest if he wanted it done. He sulked and the following day he made us both do it and was ordering me around telling me what to clean and how to clean it.

I know this sounds ridiculous.. I just needed to get this off my chest

I hope he feels the pain when he is having to get to the platform & wait in the cold for his train !... taxi... walk home

With each of your posts, OP, my instinct is to tell you to run in the opposite direction. There are various forms of abuse and what he is doing is definitely falling in that category. Many PP have been about the same so am not repeating it but adding my agreement with them. It is not OCD when he himself doesnt bloody do anything but expects you to clean up. Someone with the condition would be doing it himself. It sounds like this is about control and nothing but control. The fact that he comes home drunk to his wife and young children, after being away for months, says it all. It's all about him, his comforts and his needs.

Thanks for the replies. He is home tomorrow so I will struggle to write on here.

I can’t believe the way I have left the house. It’s not dirty by any means but there are some kids handprints on glass that I’m not even touching and toys in our kitchen which is a big no no usually. It will be very interesting to see his reaction.

@Goodbadanduglyyyy, when you say that once he is home you will struggle to write on here, what exactly do you mean?
Does he monitor your access to your phone/tablet/desktop? Have the log ins? Just make it impossible for you to get a quiet moment?

Or what? He obviously has made it very difficult, in the past, I just wondered how, exactly.

I think perhaps you should rebookyour hair appt. he’s not dying to see any of you, if he were he’d turn up sober to enjoy seeing you.

No as far as I’m aware he doesn’t monitor my phone. But when he’s at home he’s with me all the time, hes obviously not working and doesn’t have much of a social life so can be difficult to get peace to write a message.

I stupidly rebooked my hair the day after he made a fuss about it so my hair was already done before I started this thread

You need to “take up a hobbie” - that gets you out of the house form multiple hours a day that he can’t participate in......even if you don’t go to it but sit in the library / coffee shop.

This your oxygen. Your breathing space. Your sanity.

He sounds suffocating.

I you need a new password on your phone.

I think you need to make any and all arrangements to see family and friends on your own, now that your children's father is home to look after them.

Give him a good dose of what you do.

If it just means parking, with a book and take out, take some time away from the home.

Take some time to go for a walk to a bench with your phone.

Wishing you luck.

This controlling and oppressive;it's no way to live.He needs psychiatric help as it sounds as though he has OCD about cleanliness especially as he asks you about it constantly.He may also suffer from anxiety as often the need to control their environment is a coping mechanism.

Would he be open to a discussion about this?,willing to see a GP;willing to make reasonable changes?

If the answer is no then you need to re-evaluate your marriage

You say you work so you have an income and it sounds as though you go long periods alone anyway;it sounds as though you've been alone for the past 4 months anyway so ask yourself this;if you can live as a single mum for months at a time would it really be so hard to do it full time?

Also I get the impression he's in the military with the patterns of being away then with you constantly and his issues with everything being in order and clean

If says anything I would just look confused and respond with "you know where the cleaning stuff is kept" and walk away from him.

Agree with a previous poster that the getting inappropriately drunk around your family and demanding a pristine house seem contradictory somehow.

He just sounds bloody awful tbh I couldn’t be bothered with him

Good luck 💐

I'd send a cheery "Are you ok getting a taxi back today? Kids have got a play date so we will be out when you get back. Have a good flight" text and leave him to it.

Hope today wasn't too stressful, OP. Don't take any nonsense!

The kind of cleaning expected of you isn't normal when you have kids and working, cleaning doors and skirting boards I would say that's a spring clean ( I'm probably lazier than most) but no way would I be cleaning to that excess, just do what you can do and don't feel guilty about relaxing either you need a balance in life, all work and no play isnt fun. I wonder if you really need him.

The fact you can't message on here when he is home is deeply worrying

The fact he made your clean also disturbing

What joy does he bring you

I think he wants to make sure you dont have any time to enjoy yourself. If you are not running the house 24/7 in his absence, he has a never ending list of cleaning for you, which need photo proof (and thats fucked up in itself) and when he is home he doesnt let you have a moment out of his sight, even though you should be getting some down time too, and he should want some one on one with the kids.

Hope the day has gone okay.

Thinking of you and your girls dealing with that horror of a man.

I assume he has to quarantine !!, enjoy your relaxing trip to the supermarket ! leave the kids with him....

I hope you are ok OP

Hope your conversation with his went well and you are ok

Fuck that! Have some gloves and bleach ready by the door for when he walks in and tell him to get scrubbing!

What happened in the end, @Goodbadanduglyyyy? Are you okay?