I’m dreading my husband coming home

[Goodbadanduglyyyy]

My husband has been away since June working abroad. He is due home at the weekend.

He is a very clean person and likes things done in a particular way. Put it this way, the house looks like a show home when he is here. Every time he is away at work for a long period of time he always asks me, will the house be nice for me coming home?

The house is never untidy, but it’s his particular kind of clean and i just dread it. I’m literally on my hands and knees getting every skirting board, light switch, door handle cleaned and it takes days. We have 2 young kids and I also work.

He will ask at least once a week while he is away if the house will be nice for him and I just feel massive pressure to have it done. He says “all I ask for is a clean house, nothing else”. But it’s not a normal clean that he likes

I put my foot down last year, I only managed to do half of the house and told him I was exhausted with kids etc and that he would have to finish the rest if he wanted it done. He sulked and the following day he made us both do it and was ordering me around telling me what to clean and how to clean it.

I know this sounds ridiculous.. I just needed to get this off my chest

“I wish I was stronger”

You’re going to have to fake it till you make it. The more you flex those standing up for yourself muscles, the easier it will get. One thing’s for certain, if you change nothing, nothing will change.

This thread is deeply disturbing as well as depressing. You’re not ready to leave yet, I can see that. I think that you will eventually though as you’ve lost your respect for him. Another poster said you’re replacing any positive action with venting which is what I used to do. It won’t help. Nothing will, until you step up. You need to stop enabling this it is utterly mind blowing.

IMHO It's control , he knows what he is doing , it's like he knows what a state this gets you in and he keeps the pressure on you because he gets his kicks from you feeling like shit.

He gets away with this behaviour because you let him. It’s like being in the army!! You’re not an employee! You know other people don’t live like this right? You know this isn’t right or normal? You must do. Don’t you want a normal life? Why don’t you message and say “I’ve decided it’s a no. Sorry. I’m not cleaning the house. I’m exhausted from solo childcare since June. If you want the house clean YOU need to organise a company to come in the day before you come back. If not, check into a hotel and look for a house to rent. I’m done with this bullshit mate. I’m your wife not a fucking employee” get angry. You’re being taken the absolute piss out of

Host a wild "welcome home" house party for him, then fake severe food poisoning that keeps you chained to the bed and loo the next day. 😈

The attitude from him about your hair appointment- that is 100% controlling!!!

Honestly when he is home what does he add to your life?

OP it makes me so sad reading your posts.

Do you realise he is a controlling bully?

You work, look after ( his ) kids, keep the house clean while he is living a single life, possibly in a hotel? or having meals and laundry done for him.
He should be glad that you are keeping all this going for him to drop back into.

Don't be a doormat- show your chldren that this is not how women are treated.

What happens when the kids make a mess when he is home?

Do you always do what he says? What would happen if you didn't clean with him or you didn't cancel your hair appointment? Think how much happier you would be if he never came back

THis is awful to read - he holds it over you the entire time you are away so you can never relax. He is literally torturing you with this all the time.

You are now crying over this and feel you have to do it otherwise you will be punished

This is highly abusive and controlling

When you have the words about the cleaning tell him if he sulks and tries to make you scrub the place and generally creates an atmosphere, on his next return you will walk out the door to 3 days holiday while he spends some precious time with his children. That he should treat you like a queen for working, cleaning and full time parenting for both of you, while all he has to concentrate on is himself.
If he is away most of the time and you do it all, and he then makes you miserable on returning what does he add?

Gosh OP. This sounds terrible I wouldn’t even tidying up at all. I would tell him NO in advance next time he asks.

He sounds controlling. Let him pay for a cleaner out of his own pocket!

He’s so fucking abusive, I remember your last thread. He doesn’t just ask for a clean house if he’s also asking you to change your hair appointment. He wants you to do everything he wants tell him to get fucked.

If your husband works away and every time he comes home you dread his return then you should not be in a relationship with him.

Been gone since June and left you to do it all and expects this ? No fucking way
Leave the twat
Get a. Cleaner or tell that know to do it himself

Just...leave...this....bully

The sounds like something from The Handmaid's Tale!!! Dumb the bastard!

Dump*

Sorry for the delay in replying, I didn’t expect so many replies.

I am from the UK as someone has asked.

If the kids make a mess he just tidies it up straight away. He’s not one of those who doesn’t tidy, he will do his fair share.

I texted him about half an hour ago and told him I was cleaning the bathroom and that I’m exhausted with work, kids and cleaning and his reply was “I’m very thankful for your efforts il make it worth your while”, I have no idea what he means by that. I replied and said, next time your due to come home il arrange a cleaner and he replied “my mum has offered to help you, she sees how busy you are”. I’m not responding, I don’t know what to say. His mother is very much like him when it comes to cleaning, obsessive

It's control, pure and simple.

Now is the time sort it, rather than waiting for him to come home. Tell him that he needs to find somewhere else to stay. It's completely unfair on you that you should have to live like that.

HE is ridiculous, not you.

A partner shouldn't be such a cause of anxiety and exhaustion

He can clean the house himself if he wants it a certain way, it's not your job

@saraclara

"So the only thing you ask for is a clean house? Not to be with your wife, or to see your children again after four months? I've parented your children alone for you, and taken on every household responsibility for you whole you've been away. And all you care about is the house? Seriously, don't bother coming home"

This. In spades

where does he live when abroad? Does it live up to his own cleanliness standards? is it a place he has to clean himself? Have you ever visited?
I would hand him the marigolds and the kids and book myself away for a few days

Some of the comments here are verging on blaming the op for staying. This woman is in an abusive relationship, she needs support not judgement.
Op, he is absolutely controlling you, have you family around you?

It sounds like it could genuinely be cleaning OCD, it can run in families too.

"I could leave it, but his reaction would be shit.. and plus we would just spend the next 2-3 days after he’s home doing bloody housework."
"he wasn’t happy because I was “leaving him” so soon after he was getting home, so asked me to change my appointment. No relaxing for me unfortunately"

What if you just said "no"?
"No, the level of cleaning you're demanding is excessive and I won't be pandering to it any more. The house is perfectly fine as-is, you want more then you do it but I won't be assisting you any more".