Dh paying for Chaturbate

[MsAdoraBelleDearheartVonLipwig]

Please help me articulate to my dh why this is wrong. I have tried to explain why I am so angry but he diminishes and ignores me. This is typical of him when he doesn’t want to discuss something, he will just ignore it. I am not articulate enough to be able to explain myself when I am so upset about something. To be honest I can’t be bothered anymore but I feel that he needs a proper explanation of how this makes me feel without me getting emotional and upset mid sentence.

This is the second time that I have caught him using this website. The first time I told him that I found it very upsetting and he was quite remorseful and said he understood and was sorry.

A couple of Saturdays ago he left his phone unlocked and lying on the bed. I will admit that I snooped. My fears were justified, he had a message from the bank asking if he meant to make a payment of nearly fifty pounds the previous evening to Chaturbill or Chaturbate or whatever it was. His answer was yes. This was when I was upstairs, having just gone up to bed. Clearly he would rather be watching other people having sex than doing it with me.

I have been resentful and angry with him ever since. I want to just shout at him that it is beyond disrespectful and hurtful but somehow I can’t get the words out. I tried tonight, I said how would you like it if I was watching other people have sex? He said well that’s the sort of thing you’d do! No it bloody well isn’t you ignorant twat, we’re talking hypothetically! Don’t just turn it around on me and rewrite the narrative!

However I try and present my argument he will feign ignorance and let me tie myself up in knots. He knows damn well I will get upset and irrational. I need to write it all down and present him with it. Please help me with some perfectly worded statements as to why this is destroying me.

For context, we’ve been together twenty five years, married fifteen and have two girls. We have a lovely life usually, he has a good career, we own our own home and have paid off our mortgage so no financial worries. I’m a stay at home mum with a part time job and a few voluntary things that keep me busy. On the surface everything’s all good. Underneath, I don’t have any access to the family finances bar his disposable income that he does actually share with me each month. All the savings, investments, etc are in his name. I wouldn’t be able to fund a divorce. To be honest I wouldn’t want to, why the fuck should I uproot myself and the children? I love my home. I love everything about my life except the small fact that my husband finds other people having sex more attractive than me. We did actually have an ok sex life, I thought. Silly me.

SoulofanAggran - I totally agree, I was the same- I was actually quite horrified when I decided to put the child blocks on (but block nothing) and saw the sheer volume and sites being visited . It wasn’t remotely ‘occasional’ as I had always thought and when I actually had a look myself, wasn’t remotely what I thought it was - it was way way more yuk

@yetmorecrap I didn't think I'd be bothered by porn, but he also asked a vulnerable disabled woman who suffered from incontinence for pics after she wet herself- 'yum, show me.' He had already got her to send other more normal explicit pics, but she claimed to me that she didn't send that.

They get to the point where they just want everything they possibly can to get off to. Another one would spend a large part of the day smoking pot and watching weird stuff- he needed novelty in his porn- for instance extreme 'p*ssy pumping.' He ended up doing non-consensual stuff to me in a BDSM scene, deliberately ignoring my safe word.

And yes I will judge men who use porn/have a fetish based on what these were like as people. I make no apologies for that - it is for my wellbeing and I might as well err on the side of caution.

On the other hand I'm not in OP's situation.

@MarriedtoDaveGrohl You're right, it's more clearly a direct form of 'sex work,' isn't it? In between watching porn and hiring a prostitute in real life.

@SoulofanAggron exactly. It's just so fucking annoying when someone tries to minimise it and pretend you're either a prude or naive. Like they are so worldly. Fuck that shit. It's not porn. And fetishes are not usually nice and fluffy.

[quote MarriedtoDaveGrohl]@SoulofanAggron exactly. It's just so fucking annoying when someone tries to minimise it and pretend you're either a prude or naive. Like they are so worldly. Fuck that shit. It's not porn. And fetishes are not usually nice and fluffy.[/quote]
Exactly , many people who are anti porn are world and educated about the issues . That’s WHY they are anti porn . It’s those who tend to be naive and bury their heads in the sand about the issues who tend to refer to it as harmless fun . I’d suggest these are the people who need to expand their minds and their empathy a little

@AskMeOnce

What probably changed her mind so quickly is the realisation that her H's "midlife excuse crisis" is a bullshit excuse for her having lived a life where this has dominated her marriage.

She has realised that she doesn't have to stand by a man who is having a "midlife crisis" pays for self directed porn when he fails to listen to why she is hurt and upset.

She doesn't have to stand for a man spending family money on wanking to strangers on the internet.

She doesn't have to stand for her boundaries being trampled all over.

Absolutely. I cannot believe that anyone out there ends a marriage based purely on reactions from strangers online in a single conversation. (Although maybe some use it as an excuse.)

@Marshmallowmom

It is clear that porn seems to be important to you. And maybe there is a reason why that is such a big issue in your life.
But this wasn’t the OP issue. And no point to be waving the flags here.
Nothing to do with education or being naive...

All to do with OP and her specific issues and feelings. She seems to love her H. Earlier posts clearly indicated she didn’t want to separate. She has known for years about his sexual fetish and stayed, and tried to part-take. She had children with him while all of it was already known to her. There is a history and a life there.
Anti-Porn crusading isn’t what she needs - even if for YOU it seems to be a priority issue.

OP hasn’t been back - and I only hope that she is taking her time to think and talk to her H.

Absolutely. I cannot believe that anyone out there ends a marriage based purely on reactions from strangers online in a single conversation. (Although maybe some use it as an excuse.)

@Oxyiz I don't think that's the case at all. It's clear in @MsAdoraBelleDearheartVonLipwig 's original post that she's really unhappy/angry at what her husband has done and how he's responded to how she feels about it.

I don't think people have swung her feelings far from where they were. It's just that they've confirmed how she was already feeling and so make her more clear in her feeling that she can't put up with it.

@BubblyBarbara

How would he feel about a man who paid for your daughters (when they are adult) to let's be honest, pretend to masturbate and perform sex acts on camera on demand for the mans pleasure?

Such a nonsensical comparison. A parent wouldn’t want to think of their children doing anything sexual ever, even if it was in a relationship! That’s not how people think about or justify things. If you’ve ever read Fifty Shades of Grey did you first consider how you’d feel about your kids enjoying it? No, you just read it for your own interest.

Of course no one wants to think of their children in that way. But it's not really the point being made. He is objectifying women and paying them to perform for him and do his bidding sexually. These women are people. They are someone's daughter. Sister. Girlfriend. Wife. The fact they do this for a living is because men like him objectify them (and all women). Is that a career choice he'd want for his children. His wife. His sister? If not, why not?