Dh paying for Chaturbate

[MsAdoraBelleDearheartVonLipwig]

Please help me articulate to my dh why this is wrong. I have tried to explain why I am so angry but he diminishes and ignores me. This is typical of him when he doesn’t want to discuss something, he will just ignore it. I am not articulate enough to be able to explain myself when I am so upset about something. To be honest I can’t be bothered anymore but I feel that he needs a proper explanation of how this makes me feel without me getting emotional and upset mid sentence.

This is the second time that I have caught him using this website. The first time I told him that I found it very upsetting and he was quite remorseful and said he understood and was sorry.

A couple of Saturdays ago he left his phone unlocked and lying on the bed. I will admit that I snooped. My fears were justified, he had a message from the bank asking if he meant to make a payment of nearly fifty pounds the previous evening to Chaturbill or Chaturbate or whatever it was. His answer was yes. This was when I was upstairs, having just gone up to bed. Clearly he would rather be watching other people having sex than doing it with me.

I have been resentful and angry with him ever since. I want to just shout at him that it is beyond disrespectful and hurtful but somehow I can’t get the words out. I tried tonight, I said how would you like it if I was watching other people have sex? He said well that’s the sort of thing you’d do! No it bloody well isn’t you ignorant twat, we’re talking hypothetically! Don’t just turn it around on me and rewrite the narrative!

However I try and present my argument he will feign ignorance and let me tie myself up in knots. He knows damn well I will get upset and irrational. I need to write it all down and present him with it. Please help me with some perfectly worded statements as to why this is destroying me.

For context, we’ve been together twenty five years, married fifteen and have two girls. We have a lovely life usually, he has a good career, we own our own home and have paid off our mortgage so no financial worries. I’m a stay at home mum with a part time job and a few voluntary things that keep me busy. On the surface everything’s all good. Underneath, I don’t have any access to the family finances bar his disposable income that he does actually share with me each month. All the savings, investments, etc are in his name. I wouldn’t be able to fund a divorce. To be honest I wouldn’t want to, why the fuck should I uproot myself and the children? I love my home. I love everything about my life except the small fact that my husband finds other people having sex more attractive than me. We did actually have an ok sex life, I thought. Silly me.

*doing you a favour

*and to direct them if you pay.

He's was trying to do some serious stone walking and gas lighting of you too before you showed you wouldn't take it.

Now it's on to lying, bullshit and manipulation.

You need to see a solicitor independently of your husband.

He's not been using the site to 'talk' about his fetish, he's been reenacting it with paid for sex workers (who are probably laughing about him behind his back).

If he merely wanted to talk about his fetish, with like-minded people, he'd have found a forum for that. Some fetishists even find their way to Mumsnet to talk about their fetish - poo/pee/period troll, I'm looking at you!

I second (or third) the view that if he just wanted to chat about his fetish he would join fetlife because that is a lot of chatting (and meeting if you want) for free.

Chaturbate is paying women for sex acts on camera, its definitely cheating.

I cant believe his attitude,he hasnt promised to change or discuss things with you, he just agreed to a divorce and losing his wife because he wants to 'talk about his fetish'.

A man who's kept such tight rein on finances and would appear to consider assets his is not going to have you half without a fight, whatever form that takes.

You need a v good solicitor and perhaps a forensic accountant to make sure he doesn't hide money/assets.

OP - I am going agains the grain here - but for me it’s not worth throwing away a relationship you have described with years and a good connection over a fetish.
You don’t share it. Why does it matter to you that he indulges in some online fantasy.
If that doesn’t take anything away from your relationship - why not just let him be...
He has had that fetish forever - I assume. Throughout all your relationship. And you had the relationship you had over the years.
Why has it became an issue for you all over sudden? And specifically - is it really worth losing the home and security and lifestyle you have?
It’s not the same as if he had an affair, by a long shot.

He has had that fetish forever - I assume. Throughout all your relationship. And you had the relationship you had over the years. Why has it became an issue for you all over sudden?

The fetish hasn't just become an issue. It's not the fetish. It's the fact he's paying to direct women to perform sex acts live on camera while he wanks...

*I second (or third) the view that if he just wanted to chat about his fetish he would join fetlife because that is a lot of chatting (and meeting if you want) for free.

Chaturbate is paying women for sex acts on camera, its definitely cheating.*

Some people just watch, but they wouldn't be paying - to my understanding.

I'd still consider that over the line even if they just watched though - because it's live etc.

Back in his "fetish" excuse and claim he's only been talking .. it reminds me of the sort of absolute bullshit that men come out with when caught and when they think the woman is green (or just know she's never on any of these sites so she couldn't really know) as I saw before in a thread with a woman whose husband had made hundreds of calls to gay chat lines.

He claimed he was only talking about his ,(confusion about his) sexuality and the poster mostly believed him, even though he'd made hundreds of calls; until i pointed out that there were helplines and other services on which to discuss confusion etc. about sexuality and that gay chat lines are advertised in a very sexually explicit way, it's made obvious they're for sex talk and masturbation, and that's what anyone on either end of the received would expect when phoning them. I knew this from porn mags, which that op.like many women had never seen, and a quick Google confirmed it. The poster took it onboard and went back to her husband about it who no doubt thought "shit, rumbled" bit continued bullshitting and lying as they do .. and the op seemed so generally stuck and under his spell that she clearly had no intention of leaving before she dropped off the thread.

Anyway .. the bullshit these guys come out with is on another other level.

The fetish hasn't just become an issue. It's not the fetish. It's the fact he's paying to direct women to perform sex acts live on camera while he wanks...

Exactly.

I’m not disagreeing with you. Hence why my marriage is now over. I haven’t done this lightly. Unfortunately I cannot get on to Chaturbate myself to have a look as my phone is set to restrict adult content because my girls’ phones are linked to my account and obviously I don’t want them viewing inappropriate material.

I’ve told him what you’ve all said, that he’s lying about the website. He maintains he’s not. I think I need to see for myself.

Hmm. I said this earlier
If you ask him why he does it, he's going to tell you some bullshit about what you don't do to keep him satisfied, double win for him, you feel guilty and shut up and you try harder in bed.
He is following the script. If the fetish was a deal breaker for him he should have told you. Years ago before you married. Rather than paying for it and keeping it quiet till you said you were leaving.
It's him not you. He knew you saw this as cheating, he did it anyway. Scumbag.

ask him to log into his account on his phone and show you. The ones my exH used kept text chat logs 🤮

I have known about his fetish for years. I did say that. I used to join in but it’s not really my thing and I felt a bit silly rather than sexy.

I meant he should have told you how important it was to him before deciding to pay someone else. Then at least you could decide properly.
Honestly. How would he feel if you said you were paying to see men with enormous penises wanking because its your fetishism? Its ridiculous.
Anyway I'm not helping OP. I always get triggered by these threads because I can't believe how many men prioritise their wanking over their marriage and I'm still very hurt by my own break up
Sorry

See a lawyer about the finances, get everything in joint names. Wait. Once you have half his funds at your disposal you'll be able to make an objective decision about whether you want to spend the rest of your life with a wanker (as opposed to a lover). Him having everything in his name is financial abuse btw.

Hey OP,

I recently walked in on my husband (kids at my heels, we'd come back early from the playpark) while he was on cam, wanking.

I've been through the gamut of excuses with him. He tried to convince me at one point it was a fetish or a kink and I'd have to consider accepting it.

We've moved along from this now to a slightly more contrite husband who accepts that things went too far. I say he has a sex/porn addiction, he's in denial but it has all the hallmarks. I'm seeing a therapist who specialises in this area to help me through the trauma of the discovery and betrayal.

Reading your post reminded me of those earlier days, the utter shite coming out of my husband to defend his actions and protect something he is addicted to.

Tbh I'm convinced we'll never get over this but I've decided to give it 6 months (we're 3 months in).

There is more to say, but I just wanted to reach out. If you think that perhaps this touches on what you think is going on, then do get in touch and I'll send you some links to articles that helped me (none of which are based around sticking with your partner, but how to look after yourself after the trauma of discovery).

I fucking hate this. It reaches right into everything.

I don’t know if many women who are sbeaminb around behind their husbands backs paying men to masturbate for them ? Why should this be acceptable for men

Exactly because men and women are identical and have broadly similar interests, behaviours and outlooks on life.

@QuentinWinters and @Febo24 I’m so sorry you’ve gone through this too. It is shit. My point to him was exactly that; whatever he thought about asking me to join in with him, he didn’t give me the option when he went behind my back for his own needs.

He’s always had these interests. It just doesn’t do it for me and in the end I had to say no as I felt almost like it was the fetish he wanted and not me. I even joked that I’d join in once I got my own way over something we were doing at home. I sort of held it over him. Not that I’m in any way blaming myself but I thought I’d treat him to it. Obviously I didn’t realise that he’d already gone elsewhere.

You don't need to access it on your phone. Ask him to access his account then and there and show you. If he'd truly been on their to talk they'll be lots of chatty posts about his fetish, not deleted posts after all chatting about his fetish to other people who have a similar fetish isn't cheating. There won't be lots of posts, he may well have deleted his account so you can't see what he did.

This isn't something you should need to discuss. I don't like porn ethnically, but watching porn I wouldn't consider cheating. This is, cheating, watching live sex is cheating. It crosses a line and he should have spoken to you to see if you were OK with it prior to joining the site.

@BubblyBarbara

I don’t know if many women who are sbeaminb around behind their husbands backs paying men to masturbate for them ? Why should this be acceptable for men

Exactly because men and women are identical and have broadly similar interests, behaviours and outlooks on life.

So because men in general are more ‘interested ‘ in being sleazy and betraying their partners by using online cam services , women should just shut up, throw their arms in the air and say ‘ oh ok you poor man you simply can’t help yourself ‘ What is this ? Some alternate reality where the internet lands back in the 1800s Men ( some ) many indeed be more interested in being sleazy and dishonest but that’s a weak argument with no logic Many people are more interested than others in destructive , unethical , damaging and selfish behaviours . We as a society don’t give them a free pass simply because of their ‘ urges ‘ Your logic that having a penis gives someone a free pass to behave badly is FLAWED and needs serious re evaluation

I went to see the Chippendales in the 90s and have been to some hen dos (many moons again too old now!) with stripper men and I never considered that I was cheating to be honest.

OP - can I ask.... So you knew and used to partake in the fetish. But then, you felt he didn’t see you in it - just the fetish, so you stoped.
By the same logic - whatever he engaged in - was purely the fetish. He didn’t connect to the person, not in any meaningful way. And It was on a screen anyway.

Why is that that it’s so important to you. You don’t want to participate in that sort of play. He found an outlet. And harmless really as it’s not in real life.
If the real of the relationship is as good as you describe - why not just live your life and be happy that you never have to do smth you prefer not to - as it’s ‘outsourced’.
People don’t get to chose their fetishes. And they can’t just turn them off.

@BubblyBarbara

I went to see the Chippendales in the 90s and have been to some hen dos (many moons again too old now!) with stripper men and I never considered that I was cheating to be honest.

BubblyBarbara you really are missing the point , there’s a vast difference in the chippendales and what’s online HUGE . Yes I’ve been to their shows to , women laughing and joking , Calling out etc the whole time the g string stays on or if it comes off we only see the ass ..no c..ck . online cams are wayyyyyyyy life graphic and personal . Also would you like to look at the stats between female strippers and male . Female porn stars and male . Have you had much education on the sex industry and the differences between gender, perhaps some education might help you to understand it’s vastly different . If you are happy with your male partner getting off to another live women online and paying her to do stuff for him then that’s your choice . It’s really just another form of prostitution. But not all of us are happy to be with Johns and not all of us will support that And btw ... is your husband or partner assuming you have one cool with you masturbating for other men online ... cause hey , what’s good for the goose right ? All wives should technically have a free pass to do that while our husband are at work according yoh your logic , cause after all ‘ it’s not cheating ;) ‘

Your financial situation is terrifying!!

Why women allow themselves to end up in situations like this is beyond my comprehension!! Please teach your daughters to be smarter than you have been!

I agree Chaturbate is the least of your worries.