Dh paying for Chaturbate

[MsAdoraBelleDearheartVonLipwig]

Please help me articulate to my dh why this is wrong. I have tried to explain why I am so angry but he diminishes and ignores me. This is typical of him when he doesn’t want to discuss something, he will just ignore it. I am not articulate enough to be able to explain myself when I am so upset about something. To be honest I can’t be bothered anymore but I feel that he needs a proper explanation of how this makes me feel without me getting emotional and upset mid sentence.

This is the second time that I have caught him using this website. The first time I told him that I found it very upsetting and he was quite remorseful and said he understood and was sorry.

A couple of Saturdays ago he left his phone unlocked and lying on the bed. I will admit that I snooped. My fears were justified, he had a message from the bank asking if he meant to make a payment of nearly fifty pounds the previous evening to Chaturbill or Chaturbate or whatever it was. His answer was yes. This was when I was upstairs, having just gone up to bed. Clearly he would rather be watching other people having sex than doing it with me.

I have been resentful and angry with him ever since. I want to just shout at him that it is beyond disrespectful and hurtful but somehow I can’t get the words out. I tried tonight, I said how would you like it if I was watching other people have sex? He said well that’s the sort of thing you’d do! No it bloody well isn’t you ignorant twat, we’re talking hypothetically! Don’t just turn it around on me and rewrite the narrative!

However I try and present my argument he will feign ignorance and let me tie myself up in knots. He knows damn well I will get upset and irrational. I need to write it all down and present him with it. Please help me with some perfectly worded statements as to why this is destroying me.

For context, we’ve been together twenty five years, married fifteen and have two girls. We have a lovely life usually, he has a good career, we own our own home and have paid off our mortgage so no financial worries. I’m a stay at home mum with a part time job and a few voluntary things that keep me busy. On the surface everything’s all good. Underneath, I don’t have any access to the family finances bar his disposable income that he does actually share with me each month. All the savings, investments, etc are in his name. I wouldn’t be able to fund a divorce. To be honest I wouldn’t want to, why the fuck should I uproot myself and the children? I love my home. I love everything about my life except the small fact that my husband finds other people having sex more attractive than me. We did actually have an ok sex life, I thought. Silly me.

@BubblyBarbara

I went to see the Chippendales in the 90s and have been to some hen dos (many moons again too old now!) with stripper men and I never considered that I was cheating to be honest.

Good old 'Bubble' Barbera. Back of the net again! Just keep those 1970s stepford wives replies coming.

OP that was a very strange reaction on his part. To just suddenly agree to a separation and to show you the financials etc. Even to admit to as much as he has done. What do you think is going on for him? Is this something he wants to become part of his lifestyle?

Fetishes are hard to control and the more you indulge them the more you need to. Is there any point in couples counselling or has he crossed a line/or is unlikely to be helped or changed by it?

I'm guessing that 'chatting about his fetish' means they are doing whatever it is that he wants and only you know what that's likely to entail.

It's a shitty situation all around but I'm so proud of you for standing up for yourself the way you have. There's nothing worse than someone running rings around you, and not being able to do anything about it. At least however this ends you've clawed back some self respect and power.

People don’t get to chose their fetishes. And they can’t just turn them off.
People can't control if they are attracted to others but in a relationship they are expected not to act on that. Fetishes are no different. If it was that important to him, he should have made sure to find a life partner who shared the fetish.

@QuentinWinters

People don’t get to chose their fetishes. And they can’t just turn them off. People can't control if they are attracted to others but in a relationship they are expected not to act on that. Fetishes are no different. If it was that important to him, he should have made sure to find a life partner who shared the fetish.

Well said ! What is it with the ‘stand by your man’ minority here who seem to think women should be doormats to men’s sexual urges . Heck no wonder some men think they can walk all over us ... and try to do so

@newnameforthis123

If you want to talk to other people about a fetish you join a forum and discuss it for free.

If you want to pay to watch women do your bidding while you wank you use chaturbate and hand over your cash.

He's talking absolute bullshit.

This. Forums for all kinds of things exist.

Even specialist fetish forums. No need to pay to do it.

Are people - @BubblyBarbara, @Josuk - really excusing a man who pays for custom directed porn, when op has made it more then clear enough in her posts that this has crossed her boundaries??

Read the F room people, or the thread... it's all there...

@MsAdoraBelleDearheartVonLipwig

Yes - and it’s also clear that OP started off saying - she doesn’t like he went online and wanted to explain to H why she didn’t like it. Then she several times said she doesn’t want to divorce.
Then - after collective nudging from sidelines - it somehow became - divorce is the only way.

Not sure how it’s helpful to the OP....

But yes. Let’s say, for example, one of the partners has a foot fetish and the sight of toes make them ecstatic....
If the relationship has been great otherwise for 25 years, and regular sex life is also part of it - I don’t see why I’d care if my partner paid a bit of money and wanked to the sight of someone’s toes on the screen.... Especially if I didn’t want to involve my own toes... It is just an outlet for something that doesn’t endanger the relationship. It’s not an affair. It’s a wank. To a specific image.

Equally - If I sometimes wanted to see live sex as it turned me on for my own masturbation... If that doesn’t take me away from the relationship, and is a pure wank-aid on the screen - why should it threaten my partner? It doesn’t make me any less attracted or present in the relationship.

I don’t believe in owning 100% of the other person’s sexuality. I think wanting to do so is unrealistic and comes from the place of insecurity and thinking that it’s the only way to ensure that the partner won’t leave. But no one can fully control the other person.

OP has a partner that has been there for years, through all kinds of ups and downs, no doubt. Why can’t he have an occasional wank in private is unclear to me.
Why that has to mean lots of pain and financial hardship and kids going through divorce is equally unclear.

I don't think the "haha, what are men like, but they're lovely in all other ways so I'd let it go" posts are helpful here either.

Firstly, I don't agree that fetishes are some uncontrollable force. You might not be able to decide what turns you on, but you do 100% decide how you act about it. And your partner has a right to decide what it means to them without you trying to emotionally blackmail them.

Secondly, as well as cheating, I put this stuff in the same category as porn and prostitution. You just cannot assume that everyone involved is really able to consent. I'd be really disgusted to find my husband took part in it and it would be a solid line he'd crossed, which would taint every memory of a long happy close relationship - because he wouldn't be the person I thought I knew.

So it's not just that he paid someone online to help him wank, it's also about his attitudes to women. And yes, obviously some super cool posters here will say they don't care, but few would encourage their children to actively seek it as a career, or think that its a good or worthwhile way to live.

I'm so sorry it's come to this for you OP. It says it all that he's minimising it.

If you're paying money to chaturbate, it's either donations or privates. Usually it's because the performer is doing something you've requested.
That can just be talking, but usually isn't.

I think it's a bit much to end a marriage over, but if that's your line OP then go for it. You probably won't convince him that it's objectively an issue, because it just wouldn't be for a lot of people.

Well if he's not listening to you how about, "I think we should get divorced because I find your use of and payments to this site repellant" and then walk off.

I put up with my exs fetishes for 20 years and quite honestly it was 20 years wasted. I would not put up with it any more.

Some people seem so desparate to be with anyone that they put up with stuff like this. Josuk (I’m not sure if you are female or Male) but the fact is ‘you’ may be cool with this- most women aren’t. Most women would see it as digital prostitution and be like seriously uncool about their partners doing this. It’s got bugger all to do with controlling someone’s sexuality- it’s got everything to do with activity that for most women would totally cross their boundaries of what’s acceptable in a monogamous relationship and a total turn off ‘for them’. If men want to engage in this then stay single, or discuss their activities openly at the beginning of a relationship and see how far they get—

I cannot believe the kind of shit that women are expected to ‘be cool’ about these days in order to maintain relationships.

I discovered this thread today...I read the first few of the OP's posts, I felt gutted for her. She described her DH as a good man, her best friend, a great dad, hardworking etc. There was a lot of love be in her words and she didn't want a divorce.

In my opinion the DH is probably having a selfish mid life crises (triggered by age, possible a death in the family, children growing up leaving home etc.) he's probably feeling trapped and unfulfilled - the family cash cow. Acting selfishly and childishly without really comprehending what's at stake.

My advice would have been a decent talk (or many talks) and counselling. Get to the bottom of why he's so unfulfilled, why at this stage in life is he refusing to work with the OP, rather turning away from her to fulfil himself. DH needs to acknowledge the pain he's left in his wake and he must know without complete honesty he could lose his family.

.....and then I skipped to the end of the thread and see the OP is now set on divorce, 15 year marriage over, game over. They're already off the the solicitor. I'm Not sure what the hell changed her mind so quickly and I certainly hope it wasn't just on the advice of strangers on MN.

If your DH controlls the finances, and pays invoices you submit to him, would he be cool and pay the invoice if you opened up your own chaturbate account, which he did not have access to? And if not, why not?

(I find porn morally repellent, but I'd be bloody tempted to test-run this,)

Or is the rule he can do what he likes with family money, and you can only do what he approves of with the family money?

@AskMeOnce

Totally agree with what you said. MN does tend to very vocally support ending relationships rather than trying to help people reflect and think about what is going on, and what can be done.
Its easy to shout LTB when it’s not your own life.
Interestingly, here often posts start with ‘I thought it was a dealbreaker, but now it happened to me I can’t do it...’
I also hope OP isn’t just following MN’s party line.

I think the thing is, it's much easier to be clear-eyed about what is going on in someone else's relationship than it is your own - that's why these threads are so valuable.

I finally left an abusive relationship, despite thinking of myself as a strong woman who would never fall for all that nonsense, when I realised that if a friend described her relationship in the way that I'd have had to describe mine, I'd have been horrified and heartbroken for her, and would have begged her to leave. Sometimes it really does need someone else to point this out.

And LTB is not the only option (there's counselling, etc), though it may be the only end point if he doesn't change. And how many men like this do change?

Slightly OT (sort of), but a couple of people have said that they have no problem with porn, but only if it's free.

I have zero issue with porn in my relationship, viewed either by myself, my partner or both of us together, but paying for your porn is an important element. Obviously this only applies to relationships where porn isn't a deal breaker and that's up to individuals and couples to decide themselves.

www.self.com/story/this-is-why-you-should-pay-for-porn

It just all sounds a bit gross to me. I used to be all for all forms of sex, porn etc, until I realized how disgusting my sex obsessed ex/exes were.

@MsAdoraBelleDearheartVonLipwig You know he is not paying to chat to likeminded people about whatever it is- he is watching it, piss play or whatever it is he's into, paying women to perform it for him.

In my opinion the DH is probably having a selfish mid life crises (triggered by age, possible a death in the family, children growing up leaving home etc.) he's probably feeling trapped and unfulfilled - the family cash cow. Acting selfishly and childishly without really comprehending what's at stake. My advice would have been a decent talk (or many talks) and counselling. Get to the bottom of why he's so unfulfilled

@AskMeOnce Oh the poor bloke is so unfullfilled. Or it could just be that he's a sleazeball.

@MsAdoraBelleDearheartVonLipwig I also don't like that he's saying he did it because you wouldn't do The Thing. When my ex said that I think it was partly an attempt to manipulate me into doing it, or at least in the hope of that. It's putting pressure on you whether he means to or not. Well done for not doing the thing if you don't enjoy it. xxxxx

@josuk, I’m not sure how informed and educated you are about the sex and porn industry but there’s plenty of instances where women are abused and non consenting stuff is happening . If your a consumer you have zero way of KNOWING your not a part of that
Most women have many options when it comes to men they can be with and most would choose not to be with a man who participates in this industry to fulfil his ‘ fetish ‘ or whatever . It’s really about people sharing ethics and values . It’s like most women wouldn’t want to touch a man who uses sex workers , not because there’s anything wrong with the sex workers themselves but because it shows a lot about a mans character and values .

@Marshmallowmom

This isn’t a thread on porn. OP hasn’t expressed any ethical issues with porn.
Let’s not start the usual MN discussion on whether or not most men in fact have or do watch some porn while their women are convinced that they picked the ones that share their values.
Not a useful discussion.

OP isn’t dating some new guy where she is assessing his values. She’s had a long life with this one. His +- are known to her. Kids are involved. Financials also.

Suggesting she needs to become some moral crusader over ethics of pornography is a little unfair.

SoulofanAggran - I totally agree, I was the same- I was actually quite horrified when I decided to put the child blocks on (but block nothing) and saw the sheer volume and sites being visited . It wasn’t remotely ‘occasional’ as I had always thought and when I actually had a look myself, wasn’t remotely what I thought it was - it was way way more yuk

[quote Josuk]@Marshmallowmom

This isn’t a thread on porn. OP hasn’t expressed any ethical issues with porn.
Let’s not start the usual MN discussion on whether or not most men in fact have or do watch some porn while their women are convinced that they picked the ones that share their values.
Not a useful discussion.

OP isn’t dating some new guy where she is assessing his values. She’s had a long life with this one. His +- are known to her. Kids are involved. Financials also.

Suggesting she needs to become some moral crusader over ethics of pornography is a little unfair.[/quote]
Josuk
Nice skirt around the issues you support however in the situation like this where family a commitment and children etc are involved I would think VALUES are of even more importance
Nobody wants to be raising children with some guy who has a fetish he has to attend to by using a system that exploits and abuses women . And whilst you may be able to compartmentalise the abuse of women and girls from family and children unfortunately the reality is that is SPILLS over into real life ... exactly like it is doing here
No one is suggesting the OP become a moral crusader of porn but I for one am suggesting you get a little bit educated on gender issues and sexual exploitation and stop making men’s swayback pleasure more important than families women and girls

Marshmallowmom - Exactly- We wouldn’t say it’s fine and dandy to be with a secretive big gambler or an alcoholic or a regular hard drug taker- so why are we just expected to be all fine and dandy and accepting with porn habits that go way beyond what many women would be ok with or would ever have been ok with in committing to a long term monogamous live in relationship/marriage.

And it's not porn. It's paid one on one interactions on screen. Where he is paying a porn actress to indulge an unnamed fetish. Live in real time. He is directing some woman to do his sexual bidding on screen. Not porn.

@SandyY2K

He knows you don't like him watching the website. You don't need to find words to articulate it, he knows exactly how you feel about it.

He'll just keep on doing it. I just don't see why people pay for this when there's so much free stuff online. It's a total waste of money.

Are your DDs in school?

He knows you don't like him watching the website. You don't need to find words to articulate it, he knows exactly how you feel about it

Came here to say this. He’s an adult. He knows exactly how you feel about it. He’s already decided to ignore tryout feelings, you can’t put a boundary in place for him, he’s not your child. Only he can manage his own boundaries. Your responsibility is In deciding where your boundaries lie and acting accordingly