Dh paying for Chaturbate

[MsAdoraBelleDearheartVonLipwig]

Please help me articulate to my dh why this is wrong. I have tried to explain why I am so angry but he diminishes and ignores me. This is typical of him when he doesn’t want to discuss something, he will just ignore it. I am not articulate enough to be able to explain myself when I am so upset about something. To be honest I can’t be bothered anymore but I feel that he needs a proper explanation of how this makes me feel without me getting emotional and upset mid sentence.

This is the second time that I have caught him using this website. The first time I told him that I found it very upsetting and he was quite remorseful and said he understood and was sorry.

A couple of Saturdays ago he left his phone unlocked and lying on the bed. I will admit that I snooped. My fears were justified, he had a message from the bank asking if he meant to make a payment of nearly fifty pounds the previous evening to Chaturbill or Chaturbate or whatever it was. His answer was yes. This was when I was upstairs, having just gone up to bed. Clearly he would rather be watching other people having sex than doing it with me.

I have been resentful and angry with him ever since. I want to just shout at him that it is beyond disrespectful and hurtful but somehow I can’t get the words out. I tried tonight, I said how would you like it if I was watching other people have sex? He said well that’s the sort of thing you’d do! No it bloody well isn’t you ignorant twat, we’re talking hypothetically! Don’t just turn it around on me and rewrite the narrative!

However I try and present my argument he will feign ignorance and let me tie myself up in knots. He knows damn well I will get upset and irrational. I need to write it all down and present him with it. Please help me with some perfectly worded statements as to why this is destroying me.

For context, we’ve been together twenty five years, married fifteen and have two girls. We have a lovely life usually, he has a good career, we own our own home and have paid off our mortgage so no financial worries. I’m a stay at home mum with a part time job and a few voluntary things that keep me busy. On the surface everything’s all good. Underneath, I don’t have any access to the family finances bar his disposable income that he does actually share with me each month. All the savings, investments, etc are in his name. I wouldn’t be able to fund a divorce. To be honest I wouldn’t want to, why the fuck should I uproot myself and the children? I love my home. I love everything about my life except the small fact that my husband finds other people having sex more attractive than me. We did actually have an ok sex life, I thought. Silly me.

Um he's not paying to watch people have sex. He's paying to masturbate in front of other women and have them masturbate in front of him. It's essentially Skyping strangers who are often porn stars or strippers masturbating on a webcam. It's a two way communication and they can see him and they talk to each other.

I think you need to find out what's going on here because on one hand he sounds like me wonderful... and on the other hand a borderline abusive prick. It just doesn't add up that your best friend turns on you like this.

Do you don't have access to any money but what he gives you

He's paying to interact with women online while he wants and pretends not to understand why this would upset you

Come on OP. You know this is not right, at all.

The reason you're so angry and helpless is because you know you have no power in the relationship.

He knows you won't leave him over this. You also know that. So whats the point of going on about it? He knows you, he knows you will stamp your feet but stop short of changing your situation enough to inconvenience him.

Get a proper job and take some power back. He's pushing up against your boundaries and you're angry because you know you're going to let him keep doing it, so that you can keep your house, etc. So change the rules on him.

This isn't really about him. It's about you, and the fact you've really signed your life and independence over to this guy and he has you over a barrel.

Is it right and ethical for him to literally not give a fuck that he is upsetting you? No, not at all. But the other side of it is, he knows there's no consequences for his behavior. So he can just ride out your hurt feelings and still get his way. I'm sure it doesn't matter to him at all what a bunch of women on mn think about that, just like he doesn't care what you think.

I would want to see what was going on in his head. You don't just go from wonderful happy husband to uncaring shit getting his jollies from webcam girls overnight. It can s as kid be extremely expensive as they like 'gifts'. It seems like it's some kind of power play "I can do what I want" but why?

Tempted to say drag him along to counselling, make a fuss until he agrees. No counsellor will tell him it's ok either. You can bet on that one.

He knows it's not though. That's why he's being a dick about it.

Have you actually asked your Husband about this watching other people have sex issue, as in why he needs to do it, which in itself is maybe a stupid question, but he might enlighten you anyway, It is wasted money, and all a bit grim, but that's only my view. Otherwise, you paint a reasonable picture of your Husband in most other ways, all except that he doesn't seem to care about you being upset about this web sex thing.

Going from what you have said, any explanation is likely to make him say the same. Because he doesn't care about how it makes you feel, because he is only interested in his feelings.

You have to do something.. either put up with it, and understand he doesn't care so won't stop or leave.

@Mischance

He is being defensive and attacking you because he feels bad about it.

Maybe ask him how he would feel if it had been one of your DDs rather than him who had found it on his phone.

I have no easy answer for you, but do feel for you. I hear that you feel very hurt and he does not get it.

I hope very much that you will find a moment to have a proper discussion about this when feelings are not running quite so high.

He doesn't feel bad about it. He doesn't care.

Otherwise his wife's upset and his later apology would make him see that what he is doing is wrong.

@MsAdoraBelleDearheartVonLipwig - I wonder if I could get a free time slot with a solicitor to remind him of what I’d be entitled to should all this go tits up?

Please be careful with what information you give him (your dh).
If he thinks you are even contemplating leaving, the "finances" may start to look less healthy, and his utter complacency for how you feel could translate into something more...

He's not going to stop.

You need to decide if the lifestyle you have is worth shutting the fuck up about his being a john.

"You ve crossed a line, you knew I was not happy about it ( you don't have to justify why). If you keep doing it we will have to divorce, end of!" Then watch the fear on his face as he realises he would have to split his spoils 50%. If he doesn't get that fact, spell it out to him.

OP, there's loads of advice here but bottom line is you shouldn't have to come up with the right words to articulate why his behaviour is wrong.

You're hurt by his actions and he should care about that. It sounds like he takes you for granted.

He's been paying women to get their kit off. He's just as bad as someone who uses a prostitute, a downtrodden women for his own pleasure. He isn't a good man.

I guess you have to think about whether you want to put up with it or not. I would apply for more hours and different jobs. I think it would be good for your confidence. What would you say if your daughter had a boyfriend who did this? Would you want her to marry him (if she was upset by it?). Perhaps a counsellor would help? Do be careful about him hiding stuff away if he thinks you would want a divorce though.

He’s full of crap , acting as if he doesn’t know why it’s wrong . Of course he knows exactly why you’re upset, he just doesn’t care . Sorry but the sooner you understand that and stop trying to explain or make him understand the easier things will be . This guy is treating you like a idiot . How do he ( or you for that matter ) know that all the women he was watching were adults ? There’s no way ages are checked in these seedy sites and therein lies a huge issue with this whole thing . Personally I just can’t imagine ever letting go of the thought that I was with a man who could technically be watching someone be abused and not even care . Then on top of that the fact he’s happy to disrespect you . As far as having your own money . It’s called seeing a lawyer putting a freeze on the assets and taking half of everything . Him being a rock and bringing you tea is simply his false face that he puts on to hide the sleaze he really is

*i should say consenting adults . Too many time’s videos are uploaded without one parties consent (nearly always this would be the female not the male in the scenario )

Yes please be really careful about throwing out ultimata or otherwise threatening to divorce him. When you're this far over a barrel financially, then you don't threaten divorce, you file without warning because that's your only chance of getting a penny from him. He will spirit away funds if he suspects you might try to split.

You need to get a proper job, or, i suppose, a very good lawyer who will ambush your husband well. You have no power in your marriage and your husband knows it. I appreciate thats not what you thought you were signing up for, but its what you have. All the moral appeals and attempts to shame him into changing will not make any difference. He doesn't care how you feel and knows that he holds all the cards.

Well, he's got you over a barrel financially and power-wise. That doesn't sound very nice at all; and that's aside from pretending he doesn't understand why you're upset about his new porn 'hobby'. He understands - your rock, your best friend, your cuddle bunny, just doesn't care how this makes you feel. I would suggest he likes having power over women, and using his money to pay them for sex acts is more exciting nowadays than having you on tap running his house and submitting your invoices, etc etc, like some woman from the olden days.

I think I'm the only one who doesn't really think he's done anything wrong, people watch porn, use cam sites. It's just the way of the world now with everything being so accessible.

If your oh asked you to masturbate in front of him would you feel comfortable? Would you do it?

He should have addressed your feelings but it could have been an opportunity to discuss why he watches it etc.

@WellQualifiedToRepresentTheLBC

The reason you're so angry and helpless is because you know you have no power in the relationship.

He knows you won't leave him over this. You also know that. So whats the point of going on about it? He knows you, he knows you will stamp your feet but stop short of changing your situation enough to inconvenience him.

Get a proper job and take some power back. He's pushing up against your boundaries and you're angry because you know you're going to let him keep doing it, so that you can keep your house, etc. So change the rules on him.

This isn't really about him. It's about you, and the fact you've really signed your life and independence over to this guy and he has you over a barrel.

Is it right and ethical for him to literally not give a fuck that he is upsetting you? No, not at all. But the other side of it is, he knows there's no consequences for his behavior. So he can just ride out your hurt feelings and still get his way. I'm sure it doesn't matter to him at all what a bunch of women on mn think about that, just like he doesn't care what you think.

I really liked Antibles post. Very down to earth. I also agree with this one too. Well with everyone really. Your dh is not your rock. He is treating you like a child, and endentured servant.

Scratch below that and tell him you want access to money for yourself to do the same as him or get a divorce, I think deep down you know the mr nice guy is going to disappear and you’ll be left with mr nasty. He doesn’t see you as an equal and he doesn’t care that you are financially vulnerable.

Right now, I would quietly gather any and all financial information on your husband. This is just in case things turn sour. You need to gather as much of the following and at least 3 months of : Bank statements, credit card statements, pay slips plus p60 from last year, copies of investments, shares, loans, any other property he may own that you’re not aware of etc. As the house is paid off, proof of this if possible.

When you have done this, or obtained as much as you can, you will be ready to confront him. Before you do, make sure you know what you want to achieve and what your red line is. Right now you don’t seem to have one so unless you get one, he won’t change. And even then, divorce, that you say you don’t want is likely to be the only option to get him to stop.

My concern would be today he does the cam stuff, will he be doing more soon? Face to face? What about after retirement? You are literally signing yourself up to next to no money forever with a husband, who will have it all and the knowledge he can lie, gaslight and probably cheat and ultimately you will stamp your feet but never leave him.

You need access to your own money snd pdq. Study or get a job.

What happens when or if he dies? He could literally leave everything to the girls or the cats home.

Do you even own half of your home?

@greenette

I think I'm the only one who doesn't really think he's done anything wrong, people watch porn, use cam sites. It's just the way of the world now with everything being so accessible.

If your oh asked you to masturbate in front of him would you feel comfortable? Would you do it?

He should have addressed your feelings but it could have been an opportunity to discuss why he watches it etc.

Greenette is this really just the way the world is ? Or is the just the way the world is for many men? I don’t know if many women who are sbeaminb around behind their husbands backs paying men to masturbate for them ? Why should this be acceptable for men to behave this way I for one am not going to throw up my arms and say this sexism and mysogyny is just the way things are so there’s nothing wrong with it

You sound really upset, angry and frustrated and I don't blame you.

Your real issue, as many pps have said, is that you have found yourself in a relationship where you are pretty much powerless, and you need to do something about this asap.

I left my exh when I was in my late 50s, and managed to get a reasonably well paid job having only worked part-time for years. It's not impossible and I would seriously advise you to try to find something, or at the very least try to up your hours in your current job.

Younger women - this is a warning to you; never let someone else have all the power in a relationship.

Absolutely agree with what others are saying about the financial stuff too, taking back your personal power is essential here and will be the cornerstone to a better future .

Everything might be in his name but half of it is still yours.
I dont care how much of a friend and a rock he is, it’s disgusting and I wouldn’t stay.
How can you be intimate with him when you know he does that ?

You REALLY need to have a chat with a family solicitor. If you ring around you can usually get a free first chat. You don’t necessarily have to go through with anything but you need to know your rights.
Gather everything you can about your joint and his finances and explain the situation.

He sounds v passive aggressive - stubbornly tying you in knots of frustration and rage - silently sneering, mocking and getting a kick out of your powerlessness and your futile efforts of losing your shit emotionally with him.

It’s like he is in control yanking your chain.

Don’t ever let anyone bring you to the brink like that.

Now is the time to step right back and take stock. Emotionally detach from him in your head, get calm and observe your relationship from a cooler objective distance. You can’t do this when triggered by rage as your thinking brain shuts down.

Once you drop the rope of his silly game the clarity will come.

Your H is paying sex workers for interactive sex. He is not just watching. He is cheating right there at home, under the same roof as you and your children. This is not “mutual respect.”

AF is correct. He is not going to stop. You’ve written that after you previously discovered his use of Chaturbate via his paper bank statement, he then blocked transparency by changing to online statements. He has likely been using these sex workers ever since.

You have also previously written about his being nasty, patronizing and controlling about money. You’ve expressed his unfairness but he won’t listen...just like he is dismissing your feelings and boundaries now.

You say he is “genuinely bemused” that you are not okay with his mutual masturbation sessions as a sex trade customer. He is manipulating and treating you like a fool with that act. He would go ballistic if you or your DDs became cam models.

Adora, your marriage is imbalanced and abusive. Is this the relationship model that you want your daughters to observe and emulate? I would get legal advice asap.