Dh paying for Chaturbate

[MsAdoraBelleDearheartVonLipwig]

Please help me articulate to my dh why this is wrong. I have tried to explain why I am so angry but he diminishes and ignores me. This is typical of him when he doesn’t want to discuss something, he will just ignore it. I am not articulate enough to be able to explain myself when I am so upset about something. To be honest I can’t be bothered anymore but I feel that he needs a proper explanation of how this makes me feel without me getting emotional and upset mid sentence.

This is the second time that I have caught him using this website. The first time I told him that I found it very upsetting and he was quite remorseful and said he understood and was sorry.

A couple of Saturdays ago he left his phone unlocked and lying on the bed. I will admit that I snooped. My fears were justified, he had a message from the bank asking if he meant to make a payment of nearly fifty pounds the previous evening to Chaturbill or Chaturbate or whatever it was. His answer was yes. This was when I was upstairs, having just gone up to bed. Clearly he would rather be watching other people having sex than doing it with me.

I have been resentful and angry with him ever since. I want to just shout at him that it is beyond disrespectful and hurtful but somehow I can’t get the words out. I tried tonight, I said how would you like it if I was watching other people have sex? He said well that’s the sort of thing you’d do! No it bloody well isn’t you ignorant twat, we’re talking hypothetically! Don’t just turn it around on me and rewrite the narrative!

However I try and present my argument he will feign ignorance and let me tie myself up in knots. He knows damn well I will get upset and irrational. I need to write it all down and present him with it. Please help me with some perfectly worded statements as to why this is destroying me.

For context, we’ve been together twenty five years, married fifteen and have two girls. We have a lovely life usually, he has a good career, we own our own home and have paid off our mortgage so no financial worries. I’m a stay at home mum with a part time job and a few voluntary things that keep me busy. On the surface everything’s all good. Underneath, I don’t have any access to the family finances bar his disposable income that he does actually share with me each month. All the savings, investments, etc are in his name. I wouldn’t be able to fund a divorce. To be honest I wouldn’t want to, why the fuck should I uproot myself and the children? I love my home. I love everything about my life except the small fact that my husband finds other people having sex more attractive than me. We did actually have an ok sex life, I thought. Silly me.

You are in a much more powerful place than you think divorce wise. You have given up a career to stay at home and your dh has agreed. I am a sahm and our friend is a divorce lawyer and he often tells my dh he is screwed if we get divorced!! However I also have lots of the savings in my name 'for tax purposes' ie only I can access them!

I am a sahm and our friend is a divorce lawyer and he often tells my dh he is screwed if we get divorced!!

What a sexist cunt your friend is.

You have no idea how long this has been going on for, it's just that you have only just discovered.
What happens to your own salary? does that sink into his pockets too? or do you have to pay for everything for the DC ?
I am guessing you pay for all the groceries from it.
Leaving you penniless?
You can get quite a lot of general info from the CAB.
You need to get informed,
They isn't just porn its interacting as if he was actually present.
He feels entitled to pay good money to get his rocks off, yet you don't even have enough to see a solicitor.

He's cheating on you OP. He knows it and so do you. He is NOT your friend.

Ok, lots of good points to address there but I’m on the school run now and then busy all day but I will come back to this later. Thank you though.

How would he feel about a man who paid for your daughters (when they are adult) to let's be honest, pretend to masturbate and perform sex acts on camera on demand for the mans pleasure?

Such a nonsensical comparison. A parent wouldn’t want to think of their children doing anything sexual ever, even if it was in a relationship! That’s not how people think about or justify things. If you’ve ever read Fifty Shades of Grey did you first consider how you’d feel about your kids enjoying it? No, you just read it for your own interest.

This is a terrible relationship. It sounds abusive. The problem is not you being unable to articulate. The problem is he doesn’t give a shit about you and what you find upsetting. You are being treated like a child being given pocket money. It’s truly disturbing and not normal. Please talk to someone in real life.

Poor you op. I've been there and am divorced because of it. So if what I'm about to say is harsh, its because if what happened to me
You need to decide if the lifestyle you have is worth shutting the fuck up about his being a john.
AF is right. Your husband is paying for sex. He sees nothing wrong with that. Its very expensive, he's probably spent thousands. (Think its around 40 quid for 10 mins).
If you ask him why he does it, he's going to tell you some bullshit about what you don't do to keep him satisfied, double win for him, you feel guilty and shut up and you try harder in bed.
The actual truth is his need to get exactly what turns him on from someone he doesn't know or give a shit about is more important than you and your marriage. Hes essentially using cyber prostitutes. He could be using real life ones too. Why wouldn't he? Paying for sex is what he does.
Bottom line is, it's infidelity. He's a cheating wanker who lies to you without compunction. You deserve better than this.

I stayed with exH for 5 years after he told me that it was my fault he used cams, I didn't want enough sexand it was just like porn.

It gave me huge anxiety when I woke up alone at night, when he was secretive with his phone, and he told me if I loved him I'd move on and trust him.

But yeah. Once liar always a liar, he was still doing it, spending our family savings, gaslighting me. I feel like an absolute mug.

I think the OP is only looking for a way to contain and control the situation, and him. In her first post she was very clear she wanted a script to use so when they discussed it she didn't become 'confused'. She wants to have the killer lines ready so that when they talk about it she will deliver the compelling argument and he will see the error of his ways and realise how much he is hurting her and how wrong it is, and stop. Not advice to leave and dire warnings of what could happen. So Knick it off you lot.

I want a unicorn for Christmas. With Santiago Cabrera riding it. Coming to propose (I'd divorce Dave obviously, or maybe I could date Santiago until I know if he's better in bed)

The simple logic that a guy that does this and gets caught not once but twice and carries on is not a guy you can persuade of anything will fall on deaf ears I'm afraid. The only thing that will work is sucking it up like she has done everything else.

To him this is his 'me time'. His 'reward'. I've heard unfaithful men talk in these terms many times. "I pay the bills and am a good husband and father I deserve some fun. She doesn't know/mind so where's the harm? I'm allowed something for myself arent i?"

And here's the OP wanting to spoil the party! Not happening. Why would he stop? As a PP mentioned if the price is a bit of grief so be it. Besides she'll give in and then it will be fine. She will get over it. Obviously it can't bother her that much or she would leave. She doesn't mind that much really. Those are his thoughts, 100%

So OP your choices are
Leave
Suck it up.

Sorry to say that there's not a third one of 'use your words to convince him it's bad'. He's not a child, he knows that. But since it's not actually fucking or is just fucking hookers he thinks you should live with it. His money his choice.

Has he always been this resentful? He's pretty angry at you underneath it all isn't he? Maybe he resents your 'cushy' life with your little charities.

Head going back in the sand, I guess.

@cbt944

Head going back in the sand, I guess.

Does that mean I'm not getting my unicorn? What about Santiago Cabrera then?

You are really in a very risky position with your finances being controlled by your husband without marketable job skills much less this porn issue. I know you want some magical way to tuff egg n him into a human being but unfortunately there are none until you're willing to stop being a doormat

My autocorrect sucks! "Turn him into a human being"

If your not prepared to walk away over this, and so long as he knows your not going to walk away over this, arguing about it is pointless.

He already knows your hurt by him doing this, yet he continues...why? Simply because his pleasure doing this is more important to him than your pain/hurt. He’s already made his priorities clear on the matter. He was sorry the first time, but only sorry enough to sufficiently please you, but not sorry enough to stop the behaviour.

You’ve 3 options as I see it:

Option 1, is to reason with him and try and appeal to his better nature. Explain to him that to you this is cheating, he is being unfaithful and the fact that it may be only online doesn’t lessen the betrayal to you. That him doing this changes the way you see him, the way you feel about him. Not only does it make you feel cheated on and betrayed but it’s making him look like a misogynist pervy sleaze ball and not like the good kind respectful man you married. He is exploiting these women, treating them like puppets on a string, like sex objects who do nothing more but for them to sit there and wait for him to feel like opening his wallet, how gross. How would he feel if some man were to treat his daughters in such a way? All these women he pays to do this are someone’s daughter? Could just as easily be his daughter someday! How would he feel if his daughter came to him crying that her boyfriend or husband has been cheating on her in this way, would he be prepared to sit there and pat her shoulder and tell her there there don’t worry all blokes do this, me included! Or would he want to punch the face off the guy who had hurt her and made her cry!!!

Option 2, is to lay your cards out on the table and to say that to you this is cheating and that if he continues to do it you’ve got no other option other than to leave and divorce him. He’s had one chance and will not be getting another, so unless he can honestly agree to stop and stop for good you are walking away, and absolutely mean it!!

Option 3, do nothing and stay.

Infidelity is “a violation of a couple's assumed or stated contract regarding emotional and/or sexual exclusivity”. It seems the problem is that very few couples actually discuss that social contract while becoming a couple and instead rely on the “assumed” contract which is different in everyone’s heads! To some people porn is an immediate no, to others it’s no big deal. People should be discussing this in advance not decades in!

Sounding a bit victim blamey there Bubbly. I think most people have a pretty good idea of what's cheating or not. They manage to hide it for a start.

Wow, lots of advice there, thanks. Have finally managed to sit down so I’ll try to go through it all properly.

Someone asked if I own half the house. Yes I do. My name is on the deeds. My name is also on the V5 of the £20k car we’ve just bought and I can afford to run it, just. If I really had to I guess I could sell it.

We’ve just had a big talk. I’ve told him that my only option left is to divorce. In my opinion he’s wilfully cheated online and hurt me.

He says he’s never used the website for sex. He has a particular fetish that he likes to talk to other like minded people about. I can believe the bit about the fetish as he’s always been interested in it but I’m not which has always been a sticking point. He said he couldn’t put me in the position of having to do stuff I didn’t want to so he found somewhere online that he could freely talk about it. I said that was the problem, he was getting sexual gratification from other people and he couldn’t see that this was wrong and hurtful. He insists that he doesn’t use it for sex but admitted that he had gone online to talk about his fetish rather than talk to me.

He’s going to take a day off and we’re going to talk to the solicitor in town about separation. He’s been completely open with the bank accounts. I’ve seen just how much we’ve got in savings. Over half of it came from his inheritance from his parents. I don’t think it’s really up to me how he spends that. He did pay off our mortgage with some of it. I’ve also seen his bank statement. Going back two years there’s about six payments to Chaturbate. He’s perfectly happy to pay all the bills and anything else I need. He’s devastated and is trying to be helpful.

So that’s where we are. My marriage is ending. We’ve still got to tell the girls. Our eldest is having problems at school and we think she might possibly be anorexic so this is going to be really hard. Our youngest is usually pretty resilient but I guess we’ll find out.

Wish me luck.

He's not that bothered is he, really ?

This "fetish" takes priority over everything else. Even the welfare of his kids.

If you want to talk to other people about a fetish you join a forum and discuss it for free.

If you want to pay to watch women do your bidding while you wank you use chaturbate and hand over your cash.

He's talking absolute bullshit.

Good luck, and make sure you take everything that is rightfully yours.
He might be being helpful now but it might change.
💐

I’d advise you to see a solicitor on your own. Solicitors can’t represent two parties in a separation as they have essentially competing interests. The inheritance is an asset of the (long) marriage and as such would be divided between you - the starting point being 50:50. So don’t agree to forgo that without proper advice.

Did he seem to want to fight for the marriage at all?

Hope you’re doing ok @MsAdoraBelleDearheartVonLipwig

Oh you poor thing, this is terrible for you but he clearly won't change and at least seems to be reasonable about divorcing.
It may not seem it now but this will be for the best,a friend of mine went through a similar thing and she and her children are in a much better place. See the solicitor and see some good friends too to help you through this best of luck

@newnameforthis123

If you want to talk to other people about a fetish you join a forum and discuss it for free.

If you want to pay to watch women do your bidding while you wank you use chaturbate and hand over your cash.

He's talking absolute bullshit.

Yup. This. No way was he just “talking” thats bullshit. The clue is in the title of the site, mate.

Yeah one would've thought you'd join fetlife or something and chat about your fetish on there (for free).

Not an interactive masturbation/sex act site.

Sounds like bullshit.

You need separate solicitors. You need your own, from s different practice, to represent you. You need one who has a good rep for divorce representing women.

You mentioned funding it: some may (?) let you pay our of your settlement.

It sounds like he's going for an angle that will let him off the hook.

I'm not cheating, I'm only talking.

I'm not cheating - I'm talking about a fetish that you don't have/wouldn't understand/I wouldn't want to subject you to.

I'm not cheating - this outlet stops me from cheating, isn't that good - how good am I. I could've cheated instead.

Trying to say it's something you couldn't provide (not that he's cheating to get what you could provide) and he's actually been doing you and saving the marriage by joining sites to discuss it.

Thinks he's a clever boy.

Except chaturbate is not a site for discussing fetishes. It's a site for watching live sex acts as to direct them if you pay.