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Original poster

What if one of your sons 'steals' your other sons gf?

204 replies

MorrisZapp · 04/10/2020 09:33

Obviously the girlfriend is a sentient being and can't be stolen but the world won't see it that way and nor will your dumped, heartbroken son.
This has happened in my wider family. The sons are in their twenties and the first son had been together with his lovely girlfriend for years.
I just don't know how to feel about it all. I'm so desperately heartbroken for my nephew, he's lost everything. But my other nephew is a kind, gentle person who I know would never deliberately hurt anyone.
God I feel for their mum. Is there any way if enough time passes they can find a way back to a normal family relationship? I'm actually relieved this Christmas will be so socially limited now as I just don't see how we could accommodate this bewildering new normal. Has this happened in anyone else's family?

OP posts:
Dozer · 04/10/2020 16:47

Ditto other family members the brothers are close too. Much easier / more reasonable to be neutral if not close and/or see them only rarely.

DioneTheDiabolist · 04/10/2020 17:01

What a shitty situation. How are the family dealing with it OP?

RoseCider · 04/10/2020 17:08

My husband married my sister. It ripped our family apart and my parents never got over it. Family celebrations were always awkward afterwards and to save anyone feeling bad I stopped going to anything they were at.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 04/10/2020 17:14

@GilbertMarkham

No, marrying your brother's widow or your sister's widower has long been a forbidden combination listed in the old 1662 prayerbook and probably long pre-dating it in practice

This interesting because I've heard it was a bit if a practice, especially rural, in other places in the UK and a devoutly Catholic I know of suggested it (though it didn't happen) in a rural area near me not eg. decades ago so I thought it must have been a practice up til some point. These are quite religious communities.

It's not illegal in the UK to marry your sibling's relict, as per the 1949 Marriage Act, and the revisions in the 1986 Marriage (Prohibited Degrees of Relationship) Act. Up until the changes in 1986, you couldn't marry your wife's mother or daughter, but it said nothing about her sister. And in the 1986 revision, they removed the bar against marrying your wife's mother or daughter (assuming not also your own daughter). It's convoluted to read but here you go en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Prohibited_degree_of_kinship
Frappuccinofan · 04/10/2020 17:17

I don’t feel sorry for the mum, I feel sorry for the younger son who was with the lady in question for years, where she left him for the older brother. How heartbreaking must that be for him? You’d hope your family, especially a sibling, would respect you enough not to proposition the person you’re currently dating. And they were together for years, so you’d think she’d think he would be off limits?

CakeRequired · 04/10/2020 18:26

My husband married my sister. It ripped our family apart and my parents never got over it. Family celebrations were always awkward afterwards and to save anyone feeling bad I stopped going to anything they were at.

They should stop going to stuff and miss out, not you. That's not fair.

katy1213 · 04/10/2020 18:42

You can't 'steal' a girlfriend. She has decided she prefers the other brother and she's fully entitled to. Should she miss out on what might prove to be the love of her life, because she made a false start with someone else? Should the 'successful' brother make a martyr of himself? I can see it makes for a socially awkward situation - but nobody needs their auntie - of all people! - to be so over involved that she's 'desperately heartbroken.'

jimmyjammy001 · 04/10/2020 18:46

Yeah what the brother who has 'stolen' has done is unforgivable, obviously has no respect for his brother, I wouldn't be speaking to him again, needs to learn his lesson why that is completely unacceptable.

WitsEnding · 04/10/2020 18:52

Has happened in my family; after marriage and kids she left her H for the original brother; years later they split.

While not condoning this behaviour, the family were determined not to let any of this divide them, and they didn’t. The brothers remain close to each other and have shared parenting.

IncandescentSilver · 04/10/2020 18:56

Its not illegal but its certainly immoral!

mbosnz · 04/10/2020 18:57

Sorry, haven't read the full thread, but isn't it way against the bro' code to go with your brother's ex? And from a female point of view, it's, erm, a little bit on the tacky side.

I have a friend who has a daughter. Her daughter thinks her Daddy is her uncle, who was her mother's partner from when she was a dot. Now her mother is seeing all sorts in her behaviour, and blaming it on her biological daddy's genetics. To muddy the water further, her uncle who she thought was her Dad, has died, and her biological Dad is still alive.

Not easy on a kid. And I cannot see a way this will not explode, given how many people know.

AintOverUntilTheCatLadySings · 04/10/2020 19:18

I know a man who was dating a slightly older woman. They broke up and he started dating her daughter* Confused

Oh, and they were all cousins of some sort.

It actually wasn't that weird between them tbh and the 2nd couple have children together now.

*she was 14 when she'd had the daughter so either age gap wasn't massive

RoseCider · 04/10/2020 19:28

@CakeRequired

My husband married my sister. It ripped our family apart and my parents never got over it. Family celebrations were always awkward afterwards and to save anyone feeling bad I stopped going to anything they were at.

They should stop going to stuff and miss out, not you. That's not fair.

They turn up to everything and it ends up the wider family feel awkward. A few years ago a well meaning cousin sat my DH and I at the same table as them at a wedding 🙄. The conversation around the table was very stilted and I couldn’t wait to escape. I haven’t spoken to either of them since I walked in early from work one day and found them in my bed. It’s just easier not to go to family events.
mbosnz · 04/10/2020 19:33

God RoseCider. You are an incredibly strong and dignified person. Also very generous.

Dhalia443 · 04/10/2020 19:36

OMG...I think people are forgetting the intense feeling we have as young lovers.

I was distraught when my first love, ( who I dumped) got a girl pregnant a few months later.

Had that been my sister! I would never have spoken to her again.

There are unwritten rules. You don’t break them or it ruins your relationship with other people. The people who count...family. Who will be there forever.

I suggest you go back and remember the ridiculous love you felt for your first. It’s not something to be messed with.

If I was the mother, she wouldn’t be welcome in my home. Awful treatment for the son and dreadful behaviour by the cheaters.

Time4change2018 · 04/10/2020 19:53

Similar happened in my wider family. Cousin 1 had a childhood romance and a baby with gf 1 but split up. She stayed closer to family and 15 + years later got with cousin 2 his brother and has had 2 more children with him .... Awkward but important as children involved to keep everyone calm. 4+ years later they are married and the brothers speak

CakeRequired · 04/10/2020 21:46

@RoseCider

Bloody hell dunno how you haven't killed either of them. You are way more dignified than them.

user1471565182 · 04/10/2020 21:56

Loyalty isnt a valued characteristic these days anymore. Those two are a complete disgrace and Id want nothing to do with them. I wouldnt trust them not to steal from me or treat my family like dirt.

user1471565182 · 04/10/2020 22:57

I think stating an obviously ridiculous contrary view is pretty 'attention seeking' myself.

ClareBlue · 04/10/2020 23:04

Also they were all living in the same house and still do as I understand OP. So the younger B is always going to think what was going on when he was out. He is going to have trust issues and has to see them together. This really has crossed a line that most siblings would struggle with.

SandyY2K · 04/10/2020 23:13

It's awful behaviour IMO. Of all the single men on the planet and you hop from one brother to another....seriously...why.

Something similar happened with the Jackson brothers (Jermaine and Randy) and it has caused a rift ever since.

I personally couldn't sleep with 2 brothers.

user1481840227 · 04/10/2020 23:38

@GilbertMarkham

I think the girl in question is a little "loose

Internalised misogyny right in action.

Why two standards for the second brother and her.

They're equally to blame, both acting equally inappropriately.

Don't call a girl a slut for doing something while not calling a boy one.

I pretty much always blame the person in the relationship for cheating. The other woman/man or affair partner isn't really relevant. They didn't make any promises to be loyal.

The exceptions are definitely for people cheating with siblings partners or say a best friends partner. I think they're actually worse than the cheating partner. Some people will get over a cheating partner and move on and find love again and trust them. Others won't trust a partner again after that but they might at least trust their family and best friend!

I can't imagine the damage that a betrayal like that causes to the person afterwards and their ability to trust people close to them! The impact of that could last for years/decades/a lifetime, long after the person has got over the ex!

CokeyCola · 05/10/2020 00:20

But my other nephew is a kind, gentle person who I know would never deliberately hurt anyone.. Except he just has.

Dontletitbeyou · 05/10/2020 06:56

They’re not nice people at all . How can you shack up with your brothers ex ,when they actually left him and moved straight on to you . Where’s the decency from either of these two .
I find it hard to believe the people who are saying it wouldn’t matter if their partner left them and started seeing their brother /sister . Every family get together they’re going to be there , every big celebration . There’s no escaping it . I just don’t get that anyone would be like ‘ oh well !!’. I’d never in a million years do that to a friend much less my sister

lyralalala · 05/10/2020 07:05

@GilbertMarkham

No, marrying your brother's widow or your sister's widower has long been a forbidden combination listed in the old 1662 prayerbook and probably long pre-dating it in practice

This interesting because I've heard it was a bit if a practice, especially rural, in other places in the UK and a devoutly Catholic I know of suggested it (though it didn't happen) in a rural area near me not eg. decades ago so I thought it must have been a practice up til some point. These are quite religious communities.

It was relatively common for a widower to marry his wife's sister in times gone by. Generally her youngest, or "spinster" (horrid word), sister would move in to help with the children.

When I first did my family tree an elderly Priest suggested it was allowed for them to marry because of the number of pregnancies that occurred in the "single sister-in-law moves in to help with the children" houses. Better to have an iffy set up than a lot of illegitimate children.

It was less common for a woman to marry her husband's brother (it was legal later as well), but in some places it was done as it prevented inheritances going our of the family if the wife remarried.