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Original poster

What if one of your sons 'steals' your other sons gf?

204 replies

MorrisZapp · 04/10/2020 09:33

Obviously the girlfriend is a sentient being and can't be stolen but the world won't see it that way and nor will your dumped, heartbroken son.
This has happened in my wider family. The sons are in their twenties and the first son had been together with his lovely girlfriend for years.
I just don't know how to feel about it all. I'm so desperately heartbroken for my nephew, he's lost everything. But my other nephew is a kind, gentle person who I know would never deliberately hurt anyone.
God I feel for their mum. Is there any way if enough time passes they can find a way back to a normal family relationship? I'm actually relieved this Christmas will be so socially limited now as I just don't see how we could accommodate this bewildering new normal. Has this happened in anyone else's family?

OP posts:
Pelleas · 04/10/2020 10:20

I read the OP that she left one brother for the other. Not that she split with one and some time later got with the other. It would be awkward but not quite as literally swapping one out!

Unless they were cheating, I don't see that the timescale makes any moral difference.

TeddyDidIt · 04/10/2020 10:20

No, that's not on. You can't control your feelings, but you can control your actions. Just like people who have affairs. This is a betrayal and your nephew isn't as lovely as you think he is.

GilbertMarkham · 04/10/2020 10:21

Your personal experience doesn't mean everyone who does this is 'off'. I know someone who did this and eventually married the brother - a perfectly nice, normal woman who had her own good reasons for what she did.

It's inappropriate.

You aren't going to get many people who don't see it as inappropriate. A vote would have been handy but whatever.

How inappropriate it is does depend on his serious and ling the first siblings relationship was, how much if a break/gap there was, how the first siblings feels about it, whether there was any overlap/cheating etc.

Perhaps in your acquaintanc's case the siblings and wider family were able to reconcile themselves to it without much conflict or bad feeling/resentment etc. That is not the case in many scenarios.

GilbertMarkham · 04/10/2020 10:24

The people doing it are tramping all over someone's natural feelings and are potentially causing lasting conflict/division in their family ; as had happened in many of the examples on this thread.

GilbertMarkham · 04/10/2020 10:27

There are billions of people out there, especially when you're young. We're not stuck in villages with a horse cart to go anywhere. Find a partner who's not been intimate with your sibling FFS.

GreekOddess · 04/10/2020 10:30

It's grim. I'm surprised that there are people on this thread who feel otherwise.

EmmaGrundyForPM · 04/10/2020 10:34

The second nephew sounds appalling. You just don't do that to your brother.

FortunesFave · 04/10/2020 10:34

my other nephew is a kind, gentle person who I know would never deliberately hurt anyone.

Erm... Hmm

He's not kind at all. Doing that to his brother isn't kind!

FortunesFave · 04/10/2020 10:35

Greek Grim is the correct word indeed!

Even if the brother loved his brother's gf, he should have tried to get over it. He WOULD have got over it. He's indulged himself...allowed a woman to ruin his relationship with his brother!

You can't get another brother! You can always meet another woman.

dottiedodah · 04/10/2020 10:38

This reply has been deleted

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RefriedBeanz · 04/10/2020 10:41

This happened to someone I’ve known since school. One sister was with a guy for a few years and had 2 dc with him, the first when she was 17. Whilst pregnant with dc2, her sister slept with him behind her back. It all came out months later and her dh left her for her sister. He had another 2 dc with the sister and then left her for another woman who he has had 3 dc with. All of his dc went to the same school as mine at some points. The sisters both have dc in my kids school and it’s so awkward between them. They see each other daily but stand on opposites sides of the playground and never talk.

PullTheBricksDown · 04/10/2020 10:41

my other nephew is a kind, gentle person who I know would never deliberately hurt anyone.

He isn't, and he has.

rc22 · 04/10/2020 10:41

It happened to the sons of some friends of my parents. One brother's wife left him for the other brother. There were kids involved too. It caused a massive rift in the family and an awful lot of heartache for the parents.

burnoutbabe · 04/10/2020 10:41

Wasn't it quite common (or at least not unusual) in the past for men to marry their brothers widow? (Ie when the brother had died)

Much more weird when everyone still alive and the dating the first was more than a one off drunken thing when young.

Pelleas · 04/10/2020 10:41

I think the girl in question is a little "loose"

'Loose' Confused. This isn't the 1950s.

nosswith · 04/10/2020 10:41

You become manager of the Welsh football team.

Unforgiveable. Henry VIII at least had waited until his brother was dead.

lljkk · 04/10/2020 10:42

Stay out of it & don't take sides.
My BrotherA used to attract women whom he would dither at & demand things of, until BrotherB swooped in and dated them instead.

It was their business not ours.

GilbertMarkham · 04/10/2020 10:42

I think the girl in question is a little "loose

Internalised misogyny right in action.

Why two standards for the second brother and her.

They're equally to blame, both acting equally inappropriately.

Don't call a girl a slut for doing something while not calling a boy one.

Nikori · 04/10/2020 10:42

@burnoutbabe

Wasn't it quite common (or at least not unusual) in the past for men to marry their brothers widow? (Ie when the brother had died)

Much more weird when everyone still alive and the dating the first was more than a one off drunken thing when young.

Henry the 8th thought he was cursed by God for marrying his brother's wife after his brother died.
MushMonster · 04/10/2020 10:44

I think this will break them appart forever. And it could spill into other family members and end up on sides, his or mine.

PaterPower · 04/10/2020 10:44

Why would it be safe to assume they were shagging first?

Well the OP uses the word “steals” which would suggest it. She also says the GF and original brother were in a long term relationship. There’s nothing to say that they’d split first.

Is it really that likely that they didn’t bump uglies before committing to such a massively disruptive relationship? Both she and “nice” nephew would have been very well aware of the likely impact.

I’d put good money on the strong likelihood being that they didn’t just gaze softly into each other’s eyes from a safe distance, fall in love and have long anguished conversations about getting together, a la Mills & Boon. My money would be on a months-long affair first, before she kicked the (dodged a bullet in the end) Brother to touch.

GilbertMarkham · 04/10/2020 10:44

Wasn't it quite common (or at least not unusual) in the past for men to marry their brothers widow? (Ie when the brother had died)

It was an attempt to solve the problem of the widow and any kids having noone to help provide for them in a non welfare state.

And the practice evaporated with development.

This scenario is not that.

hexmeginny · 04/10/2020 10:47

Wasn't it quite common (or at least not unusual) in the past for men to marry their brothers widow? (Ie when the brother had died)

No-one is dead in the OP's story Hmm
And how far back are you going?!?

Original poster
MorrisZapp · 04/10/2020 10:47

I know I sound ridiculous saying they are all nice people but they truly are. My younger nephew has never had any other relationship, he met his gf at school. She's truly a kind and gentle person. I find it very difficult to think that now I have to judge her when I've loved her for years.

These aren't party kids, they're homebodies. The older nephew has never had a gf that I know of.

Obviously, it's all out of my sphere of influence and none of my business. I don't intend to comment directly to any of them. They'll deal with it themselves. I'm thinking more of how the wider family handles it and if they might reconcile later on.

The time line is that younger nephew was never an ex. They were together until this happened, I don't know if he found out by accident or if they told him. Yes, there has almost certainly been cheating. They all live in the same house. Not now, obviously.

What an absolute mess.

OP posts:
gurglebelly · 04/10/2020 10:48

Why should she not go out with her ex's brother? The ex has no right to control who his brother or his ex go out with

True, but is a dick move on behalf of both of them in the new relationship!

I don't know anyone that would be ok with it, OP hasn't detailed whether the original couple had broken up and the new couple then got together, but use of the word stolen would indicate to me that the first brother was dumped in favour of the second.

Regardless of 'feelings' I would expect more loyalty from my sibling.

Even if they had broken up before the new couple formed I'd be deeply uncomfortable, think of what you reveal in a relationship, how you sometimes let off steam to your partner about your family etc....

And if I was the mum, I absolutely would have nothing to do with the 'lovely' girl again. Because while the brother obviously has choice, she is the catalyst for the whole thing and I would see her differently