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Original poster

What if one of your sons 'steals' your other sons gf?

204 replies

MorrisZapp · 04/10/2020 09:33

Obviously the girlfriend is a sentient being and can't be stolen but the world won't see it that way and nor will your dumped, heartbroken son.
This has happened in my wider family. The sons are in their twenties and the first son had been together with his lovely girlfriend for years.
I just don't know how to feel about it all. I'm so desperately heartbroken for my nephew, he's lost everything. But my other nephew is a kind, gentle person who I know would never deliberately hurt anyone.
God I feel for their mum. Is there any way if enough time passes they can find a way back to a normal family relationship? I'm actually relieved this Christmas will be so socially limited now as I just don't see how we could accommodate this bewildering new normal. Has this happened in anyone else's family?

OP posts:
AlternativePerspective · 04/10/2020 11:37

If I was their mum the girl would not be welcome to set foot inside my house.
That’s all very noble, but what if there are e.g. children involved? Do people think it’s ok to deliberately ban say, their grandchildren’s mother from their house?

I think that while people will have their opinions, family should, as a whole, stay out of it. What happens between the brothers is between them, but people moralising over someone else’s actions is partly what causes the family divisions.

FWIW I knew someone whose dad left his mum for her sister. For a few years they didn’t speak, but then they made up, and remained very close. The sister would regularly go round to her sister’s to visit, with her partner (the sister’s ex) as well, and while some might think that’s unconventional, it’s one of the more healthy setups I’ve seen in a long time. All this moralising and retribution and deciding who should and shouldn’t be spoken to is what causes family divisions, and bad atmospheres.

It’s far too simplistic to say that the people involved are the ones responsible for what happens, but truth is that the people around them are responsible for the way they react.

If I had two sons and one did this to the other, while I would make it clear I didn’t approve of what the one had done, I would leave it at that. My children would still be my children. The wrong wouldn’t be mine to forgive, and while I might not like what they’d done, that wouldn’t stop me from loving them or having a relationship with them.

Pelleas · 04/10/2020 11:38

@GilbertMarkham

It wouldn't be the overriding issue - I'd be upset because he'd left me, not because of who he'd gone to.

Sure thing - he could've left you for a woman in another town so you've never have to see either of them, and your relationship with your sister would be totally unaffected .. but instead he's with your sister, probably in her home, and he'd be her partner/plus one for family events .. but that wouldn't be as big a deal as the fact he's left you at all?

Ok then.

I'm not sure why you find this so hard to understand. We are not one of those families that lives a life full of drama, turning every event into an episode of EastEnders. Like every family, we sometimes have incidents, but we don't go in for thinking in terms of 'betrayal' and creating family rifts - we just get on with our lives.
bumblingbovine49 · 04/10/2020 11:39

@Pelleas

Are you telling me that if your partner split up with you tomorrow and says he was dating your sister, you’d be cool with it? I doubt it very much!

I obviously wouldn't be happy if my husband left me, but I don't think it would make much difference who he left me for - if he's gone, he's gone.

But he wouldn't be gone . He would be there at every family event with your sister. If you would be ok with that,you are a far better , more forgiving person than me
MitziK · 04/10/2020 11:39

Henry the 8th thought he was cursed by God for marrying his brother's wife after his brother died

Only because her only surviving child was a girl and he wanted to fuck Anne Boleyn (whose sister he had already screwed).

EmmaGrundyForPM · 04/10/2020 11:40

@SmudgeButt

Is this an episode of the Archers?
my thought exactly, given my username Grin
Pelleas · 04/10/2020 11:43

But he wouldn't be gone . He would be there at every family event with your sister. If you would be ok with that,you are a far better , more forgiving person than me

We don't really have 'family events'. We are not particularly sociable or attention-seeking.

PrincessBuggerPants · 04/10/2020 11:43

Considering the absolute rinsing that other women get on here, I'm quite surprised by the responses to this thread. The deliberate obtuseness of many quite weird.

ItalianHat · 04/10/2020 11:49

But my other nephew is a kind, gentle person who I know would never deliberately hurt anyone

Well, he actually has ...

NewModelArmyMayhem18 · 04/10/2020 11:54

I think it's an unwritten rule that you wouldn't date someone whom close to you had already been out with. It's just not on. It's not as if there's a shortage of people out there to meet, is it? It would suggest that the DNephew and the girl always had feelings for each other, don't you think? Or she's going out with the brother to get back at her ex?

dottiedodah · 04/10/2020 11:55

Brefugee Of course women can have as much sex as they want .However Boyfriends DB is a poor choice IMO .Plenty of (unattached) fish out there!

notreallybotheredaboutausernam · 04/10/2020 12:03

@Pelleas

But he wouldn't be gone . He would be there at every family event with your sister. If you would be ok with that,you are a far better , more forgiving person than me

We don't really have 'family events'. We are not particularly sociable or attention-seeking.

On what planet is a family birthday party or wedding "attention seeking"?
Pelleas · 04/10/2020 12:03

It's not as if there's a shortage of people out there to meet, is it?

People keep saying this but the evidence doesn't bear this out - you only have to look at the dating threads on here. Maybe some people are lucky enough to be able to take their pick of a pool of eager suitors, but that's certainly not the case for everyone.

Fruitsaladjelly · 04/10/2020 12:05

I think it would be ok if there were a very decent amount of time in between to allow wounds to heal. But to bed hop without consideration of the feelings of others is really dreadful, very sad for your DN who has lost both his GF and his brother in one go. It could have been handled so much better.
I have a friend whose sister married her ex H, the relationship didn’t survive. It’s a special kind of selfish person who can do this.

Pelleas · 04/10/2020 12:06

On what planet is a family birthday party or wedding "attention seeking"?

Of course it's attention-seeking - the celebrant wants to receive attention from their guests. I'm not saying there's anything wrong with that, if you're the sort of person who enjoys being the focus of and reason for a large party - just that not all families are like that.

ekidmxcl · 04/10/2020 12:09

Grim
Relationship broken for the next few years, if not forever.

Fruitsaladjelly · 04/10/2020 12:09

@pelleas do you have a condition that means you struggle with empathy?. The way you think isn’t normal, it would definitely matter to most people if their husband ran off with their sister. I suspect you wouldn’t feel the way you say you would in reality but you can’t think outside of the immediate.

Annasgirl · 04/10/2020 12:09

I knew someone who did something like this, he married his cousin's wife - that is they had an affair and then married after the divorce. They lived happily ever after, but they were aristocrats, so I suppose in those circles it is tolerated.

In your case I would stay out of it.

amusedbush · 04/10/2020 12:14

That's horrible. It was hard enough for me when an ex dumped me and then my best friend at the time decided she had feelings for him and they got together. We were all in the same friendship group so I had to see them together and it was shit.

I know you can't help who you fancy but your nephew should have had the restraint to step back from this out of respect for his brother. By giving into those feelings he made the conscious choice to hurt him.

ancientgran · 04/10/2020 12:16

My sons had a similar situation although there was no mention of stealing anyone. One son had been seeing a girl for about a year, both sons had known her since school. They split up and she started seeing other brother eventually buying a house together.

I think everyone in the family (including the one who was her ex) was of the opinion that once they split up she could see who she liked.

Cruachan31 · 04/10/2020 12:31

This happened with my dd’s friend’s mother. The guy had 2 children with his partner, then left her to move in with her sister. Sisters lived 3 doors apart from each other. Surprisingly, on the surface, they seem to have an okay relationship now (only about 2 years since it happened). Just wonder what the feelings are, beneath that okay surface, though.

Einszwei · 04/10/2020 12:39

This is pretty much the plot for 'Stella's last weekend' ... it's actually a very good film and addresses the topic well.
I cried watching it as I would be devestated if my brothers relationship was damaged because of a girl.

Brefugee · 04/10/2020 12:47

Brefugee Of course women can have as much sex as they want .However Boyfriends DB is a poor choice IMO .Plenty of (unattached) fish out there!

yes, dottie, but that's not what you said. You implied that because she had sex with more than one person she was somehow bad.

FWIW: I hold a grudge and can be exceedingly petty and vindictive. But it would depend how invested I'd been in the relationship how i reacted if my DS "stole" my boyfriend. For sure, though, at first she would know exactly how i felt about it, as would he.

Cccc1111 · 04/10/2020 12:53

Things happen. You can’t control people, and people can’t pick and choose who they develop feelings for. Sometimes life is abit rubbish. Stay out of it. The other brother will hurt for a while but time will heal things between the brothers.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 04/10/2020 12:53

@burnoutbabe

Wasn't it quite common (or at least not unusual) in the past for men to marry their brothers widow? (Ie when the brother had died)

Much more weird when everyone still alive and the dating the first was more than a one off drunken thing when young.

In Biblical Israel, if a man died without issue (ie a male child - I don't think daughters were counted because of inheritance rules), then a brother or next close relative (if he didn't have a brother) was expected to marry her (or at least offered the option) and the first male child of the relationship was considered the deceased man's son.for inheritance purposes. Marrying the wife of a brother who had a male child was forbidden, as I understand it

Henry VIII just bent the rules to suit himself . . . .

I know that often it happened in the UK in the past, but frequently it would be a marriage of convenience - ie and man whose wife had died, leaving him with small children to raise, would marry his wife's sister. they may or may not cohabit afterwards, and there may have been eau affection, bt often it was for very practical purposes.

Notverybright · 04/10/2020 12:55

Hopefully because they’re all younger the brothers will be able to get over it eventually. At that age it’s more easy to get swept up in romance hormones and horniness. I don’t know anyone who has done this, but I do know people who have cheated with best friend’s or housemate’s boyfriends, and in hindsight they weren’t terrible people. This is just a more disgusting, worse version of that.

I know you said they’re all nice people, but is there some kind of sibling rivalry there? Is one son the favourite? This might have something to do with it.

I first read it as the younger brother ‘stole’ the elder’s girlfriend. But was it actually the older one who took the younger ones girlfriend, who he’d been with since school?

I think that puts a different slant on it somehow, there’s a bit of glamour that older siblings have when you’re still at school. If they can go out drinking or have a job/are at uni, it all seems so grown up and cool. That might be why the girl’s head was turned (that doesn’t make it right of course, it’s still very very wrong).