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Original poster

What if one of your sons 'steals' your other sons gf?

204 replies

MorrisZapp · 04/10/2020 09:33

Obviously the girlfriend is a sentient being and can't be stolen but the world won't see it that way and nor will your dumped, heartbroken son.
This has happened in my wider family. The sons are in their twenties and the first son had been together with his lovely girlfriend for years.
I just don't know how to feel about it all. I'm so desperately heartbroken for my nephew, he's lost everything. But my other nephew is a kind, gentle person who I know would never deliberately hurt anyone.
God I feel for their mum. Is there any way if enough time passes they can find a way back to a normal family relationship? I'm actually relieved this Christmas will be so socially limited now as I just don't see how we could accommodate this bewildering new normal. Has this happened in anyone else's family?

OP posts:
mygrandadsvest · 04/10/2020 10:49

This is unforgivable. As adults, even those in committed relationships, meet people we get on well with/find attractive/could be in a relationship with in a different world. As adults we can choose to put those feelings aside for the greater good. I don't believe in 'true love'- real solid relationships take work and commitment, it's easy to find a spark with someone but not easy to keep it aflame.

If I found myself becoming attracted to my brother-in-law I would give my head a good wobble. Both the brother and the girlfriend are selfish shits.

GilbertMarkham · 04/10/2020 10:49

Henry the 8th thought he was cursed by God for marrying his brother's wife after his brother died.

He only decided that after she failed to give birth to any boys though. Before that he was happy to be married to her for quite some time.

dottiedodah · 04/10/2020 10:51

Pelleas Sorry "loose" was a silly way of saying it .I simply meant that for someone to go from sleeping with one Brother to the next , so quickly doesnt put her in a very good light really.We dont know how the Brothers got on before this whether they were friends or rivals .As other PP have said here there are so many unattached young guys out there ,it seems cruel to go for one brother over another .Of course its not all the girls fault ,maybe one brother is esp handsome or a bit of a flirt ,but the wider implications for the family will be felt for a very long time .

GrumpyHoonMain · 04/10/2020 10:51

This happened in my family - the brother who got dumped had to watch his ex and brother get married / have a family when they were all quite young. Things were said and for a long time there was zero communication and it all seemed to come from the woman - she would tell everyone who would listen the story as if to prempt questions which just made things worse.

Things only improved when the brother that got dumped got married - and even then I think only because his wife is pretty damn perfect. She was so nice that eventually family felt confident to tell the other woman to shut up.

Doingitaloneandproud · 04/10/2020 10:51

@mygrandadsvest

This is unforgivable. As adults, even those in committed relationships, meet people we get on well with/find attractive/could be in a relationship with in a different world. As adults we can choose to put those feelings aside for the greater good. I don't believe in 'true love'- real solid relationships take work and commitment, it's easy to find a spark with someone but not easy to keep it aflame.

If I found myself becoming attracted to my brother-in-law I would give my head a good wobble. Both the brother and the girlfriend are selfish shits.

This. They aren't good people and quite clearly very selfish
GilbertMarkham · 04/10/2020 10:52

(Also it was mostly based on whether she and his elder brother had actually had sex, and she always claimed they hadn't due to whatever circumstances transpired at the time).

TheStoic · 04/10/2020 10:52

Nobody has died here. Not sure why Henry VIII is being mentioned.

You don’t have to act on your judgement, OP, if you don’t want to. But younger nephew needs some serious TLC right now, so I’d be focusing my attention in that direction only.

GrumpyHoonMain · 04/10/2020 10:52

It did happen for the best though. The brother that got dumped got a much better life partner for him. I do think his younger brother has settled for the ex now because he fought so hard to marry her - she isn’t a good person at all. But they are all in their 50s-60s now so I doubt any major changes will happen.

NewlyGranny · 04/10/2020 10:53

No, marrying your brother's widow or your sister's widower has long been a forbidden combination listed in the old 1662 prayerbook and probably long pre-dating it in practice. It's in there with other forbidden combinations like uncle and niece.

Jewish custom was different and a childless widow was able to marry her brother-in-law, who was then expected to raise a family for his dead brother. There was something about a shoe being offered and accepted or rejected so she could decline politely if she didn't want to. Memory a bit vague, but I saw such a symbolic shoe in the Jewish synagogue museum in the Prague ghetto.

I feel for the mother of both boys in a case like this as she will be tempted to be the family lightning conductor at huge personal cost. Poor Clarrie Grundy!

Nikori · 04/10/2020 10:54

Nice people can still do shitty things.

It does sound like they were cheating on him behind his back.

Ellmau · 04/10/2020 10:55

Wasn't it quite common (or at least not unusual) in the past for men to marry their brothers widow? (Ie when the brother had died)

It was the custom in the Old Testament, but illegal in the Christian world because the marriage was thought to create a relationship. So your brother's wife was as your actual sister in the eyes of canon law. Henry VIII got a dispensation from the Pope to allow him to marry his brother's widow, which is why he adopted the Reformation later on when he wanted to say that dispensation was null and void bc he said the Pope had no right to go against the law of God.

dottiedodah · 04/10/2020 10:56

GilbertMarkham Sorry It was a bad turn of phrase by me! All I meant was surely it must be odd to date one bro one minute, and his brother the next? Similar but not the same! So many young and unattached guys out there .Why do this to a family? The Brother may of course be a good looking guy who attracts girls easily ,however he is very unkind and we dont know whether he has fallen for her .or simply wants to spite his poor DB!

ktp100 · 04/10/2020 10:59

That's an incredibly shitty thing to do, especially when the former relationship had been for years. A fling maybe but that?! No!

How horribly selfish.

I wouldn't be surprised if that didn't cause somewhat of a family rift that could continue on for years.

Their poor Mum must be so upset! Horrible.

GilbertMarkham · 04/10/2020 10:59

These aren't party kids, they're homebodies

That might be part of the problem.

They clearly need to get out of the house (socially distanced) and meet some potential partners who aren't their sibling's partner!!

GilbertMarkham · 04/10/2020 11:01

All I meant was surely it must be odd to date one bro one minute, and his brother the next?

Any odder than being romantic and intimate with a girl your brother's been romantic and intimate with up til then?

Why should she be singled out as loose. His behaviour is inappropriate and lacking boundaries too.

TableFlowerss · 04/10/2020 11:01

She sounds like a right catch..... not! The fact they’re still young, I’m sure she’ll be kicked to the kerb by the second brother as he realises she could go the same to him.

Hopefully the brothers will reconcile.

SmudgeButt · 04/10/2020 11:02

Is this an episode of the Archers?

TableFlowerss · 04/10/2020 11:02

And the second brother sounds like a selfish human too. Not so nice!

spottybitch · 04/10/2020 11:02

Where is Jeremy Kyle when you need him?

GingerScallop · 04/10/2020 11:03

Stay out of it. They might reconcile. After all they are only in their 20s and learning life. For now as this is new it's sure feels raw for the dumped brother and the family but give it time - not much you can do anyway. But then again they might not reconcile. It feels icky but the reality is they are consenting adults with body autonomy etc. Each one has the right to move on from a relationship to the next, it's just a bit fed that the next one was a brother but truly the first brother didn't own the girl anyway. You can only hope things will blow over. Don't try to show the girl what a ** she is. After all she isn't doing it alone. If they get serious you might find yourselves cut off. On the other hand, be there for the hurting brother if he needs support without slagging the other.
The world can be a tricky place when you are in your 20s.
Btw, you don't explain the time lag etc of the two entanglements

MikeUniformMike · 04/10/2020 11:03

I know someone who did this, and in hindsight she definitely picked the right brother.

I also know someone who is his sister's cousin and half-brother.

NC4NW123 · 04/10/2020 11:03

I could never be intimate with someone a sibling has been intimate with. I find that quite disgusting. Surely there are enough people in this world to avoid this

GilbertMarkham · 04/10/2020 11:04

No, marrying your brother's widow or your sister's widower has long been a forbidden combination listed in the old 1662 prayerbook and probably long pre-dating it in practice

This interesting because I've heard it was a bit if a practice, especially rural, in other places in the UK and a devoutly Catholic I know of suggested it (though it didn't happen) in a rural area near me not eg. decades ago so I thought it must have been a practice up til some point. These are quite religious communities.

RiftGibbon · 04/10/2020 11:06

Hnm. I know a family where this happened.
A had been going out with brother 1. A few months later, mother of brithers came home to find A sitting holding brother 2s hand.
All was very amicable, and brothers had no issue over it. A and brother 2 were together for some 15 years.
Brother 1 dated a series of girlfriends (as had been his way) and is now settled with a long-term partner.

GilbertMarkham · 04/10/2020 11:06

She sounds like a right catch..... not! The fact they’re still young, I’m sure she’ll be kicked to the kerb by the second brother as he realises she could go the same to him.

Two people responsible for a situation; but somehow the female is the one to blame.

That's the second piece of blatant misogyny in this thread.