What if one of your sons 'steals' your other sons gf?

[MorrisZapp]

Obviously the girlfriend is a sentient being and can't be stolen but the world won't see it that way and nor will your dumped, heartbroken son.
This has happened in my wider family. The sons are in their twenties and the first son had been together with his lovely girlfriend for years.
I just don't know how to feel about it all. I'm so desperately heartbroken for my nephew, he's lost everything. But my other nephew is a kind, gentle person who I know would never deliberately hurt anyone.
God I feel for their mum. Is there any way if enough time passes they can find a way back to a normal family relationship? I'm actually relieved this Christmas will be so socially limited now as I just don't see how we could accommodate this bewildering new normal. Has this happened in anyone else's family?

[amusedtodeath1]

The thing that utterly broke me to the point I could not function was when my exH told me he slept with my sister.

It was everywhere, I couldn't go to my mum's because she might be there, my poor mum couldn't mention my niece's to me without it bringing it all back. It was the hardest thing I've ever done but 10 years later I forgave her. There's abuse in our early childhood and she has issues with controling men and so logically it made sense to forgive her, but my emotions took far longer to catch up.

I'd say that it's fairly rare though for forgiveness and reconciliation. I love my sister and my Ex took advantage as far as I'm concerned.

[burnoutbabe]

true, marrying a "spinster" aunt to care for the children would probably be a practical choice for all parties at the time.

[BoudiccasBoudoir]

Honestly situations like this permanently alter sibling and family relationships. Can the brothers get on again? Maybe. But I would seriously doubt they will ever trust each other again. They might be able to be civil or even friendly in time, and love each other because they are brothers. But it's not reversible

[SchadenfreudePersonified]

*real affection, not eau affection

[ancientgran]

it was reversible with my sons. Years later their respective wives hating each other caused much more trouble.

[Notverybright]

ancientgran it doesn’t sound like there was cheating in your sons’ scenario though? Wasn’t there a gap? That changes things doesn’t it?

[areyoubeingserviced]

It’s inexcusable and disgusting. End of story

[ancientgran]

It wasn't very clear about the gap to be honest, rather complicated as anyone who knew them (family or friends) could see it was 2nd son she was interested in from day one, the general opinion was she was going out with son 1 to get close to son 2. Son 1 would tell you the same. Makes her sound horrible but she was actually lovely and I was fond of her. They eventually split up and I haven't seen her for years. Hope she is happy though.

I wish DsIL would be a bit more grown up and stop causing family problems but that is a whole other story.

[CakeRequired]

But my other nephew is a kind, gentle person who I know would never deliberately hurt anyone.

This is just not true. He deliberately hurt his brother by getting with his ex. You just don't do that to family.

He sucks, and so does she. I'd be blanking both of them and help the one who has been hurt.

[GilbertMarkham]

I think it would particularly fk you up to have an older sibling "take" your girlfriend.

They have lots of advantages at that age of appearing more mature, cooler etc.

You're already often award of being compared to them, feeling you have to live up to them if they're an acheiver or liked or attractive, and perhaps some (natural) sibling rivalry in there.

It could go your head up at such a formative age re emotion, relationships, self worth etc.

His older brother is a ....( Insert unpleasant word here). He should have had some loyalty and decency towards him. There a world of other girls out there.

And she's not much better.

[KittCat]

You don't shit on your own doorstep.

[Valkadin]

Scummy this happened in my family about 15 years ago though my sister was married. It fractured the family and it never recovered. My sisters husband and sister are both vile humans.

[WiserOwl]

Oh boy. I'd assume they have a very competitive relationship.

[GilbertMarkham]

He deliberately hurt his brother by getting with his ex

Sounds like she wasn't even his ex.

[Eloundahigh]

My cousin's husband left her for her sister. They are now married and been ostracized from the family for 30+ years.

[Defenbaker]

It's horrible behaviour, and damages families. Try not to get involved or take sides.

My cousin had a long running affair with his brother's wife. It destroyed their relationship and caused a lot of stress to my aunt. I also know of a case where a woman ran off with her husband's brother. Her husband killed himself. I think it's different if the new relationship begins after the first one has been ended, after some time has passed, but it must be very hard to forgive a sibling having an affair with your partner behind your back.

[ItalianHat]

Yes, there has almost certainly been cheating

That really doesn't tally with your first statement that the nephew wouldn't hurt anyone. Cheating with the GF of his brother is pretty shockingly hurtful behaviour.

And if it was the GF who wanted to change brothers, then the honourable thing for the brother to do is to say to her that she needs to finish with her current BF first.

[FizzyGreenWater]

Sorry, but NO. They really are not nice people, not at all. You can say it until you're blue in the face - they may be all nicey nicey butter wouldn't melt smiley kind people but they are total shits at heart and now that's been demonstrated!

That's an utterly shitty thing to do. Yes, I'm sure the sibling relationship won't ever be the same.

What a pair of skanks!

[CakeRequired]

Sounds like she wasn't even his ex.

That just makes him even worse, oh my god! He is not a nice, gentle person and nor is she.

[BlueThistles]

She's a nice lass 🤣

[Changedit123]

Omgness I actually know who you are talking about

[JacobReesMogadishu]

That’s really shitty of both of them. If my sister had done this to me I’m not sure I’d be able to forgive her.

[pilates]

[Dozer]

Huge betrayal by the brother who cheated with and is now dating his brother’s former GF. Many wouldn’t want to continue much of a, or indeed any, relationship with a sibling who’d done that.

[Dozer]

With respect to their mother’s position OP, IMO being ‘neutral’ would essentially be condoning the shit behaviour by the nephew who’s done wrong. So would tell him I thought it was a really shitty thing to do to his brother. And wouldn’t want to see the GF again!