Am I just a lazy girlfriend or is he unreasonable?

[DontBendYourAccrylicNail]

I'm actually not sure whether I'm just a lazy sod or if the problem lies with DP.

He's obsessed with things being clean. I WFH and each day I straighten the living room up (make the sofas, throws, pillows) and hoover up. I tidy the kitchen, put a wash on and put one out on the line or on the radiators. Tuesday I did a deep clean of the kitchen and ironed for two hours, I wiped all the windowsills down and did the skirting boards but it's still not good enough. I wasn't home yesterday till 10pm and was at work again today (in the office). I made a roast dinner and the floor ended up with a few drops of steamed water.

I can only buy a certain type of kitchen roll. He constantly wants a "deep clean" and I'm just fed up. I was thinking the other day how nice it would be to just not worry about tidying up before he gets home

He's just said "I don't tidy up a lot" and it's actually upset me, I feel so unappreciated and he's completely missing my points.

This is no way to live OP. My dad is like this and it’s awful to be around. My parents divorced when I was seven so I only ever lived with it part time but it’s exhausting and stressful. I can’t imagine choosing a life partner like this to live with. Please, get out. Imagine that first night in your own place and kicking off your shoes, snuggling up with the blanket and putting your cup of tea on the table without a coaster while the washing up sits in the kitchen sink for later....pure bliss!

He’s awful and will only get worse. I don’t think you’ll realised how bad it really was until you’re out and away from him. Someone like that can only ever be happy living alone-that’s how my dad spent 30 years after his divorce

does he bring anything good to your life OP? he sounds like a selfish hard work huffy man child

sod that

If you’d known going into this relationship that you’d have to spend hours cleaning and then be told that you’d done nothing, be worried about sitting on your own sofa and the state of the skirting boards, would you have gone into it? Seriously, life’s too short.

Jesus Christ. Just stop. Let him do it.

Why are you spending your working day cleaning your home, anyway? Just do your job and have a proper lunch break FFS.

Wait until he asks for your help, then have a conversation about what you consider necessary and reasonable, the vast distance between that and the way he wants to live and the need for compromise.

If he can't compromise, he needs to live alone.

If he doesn't care how you feel, you need to question why you're in a relationship with him at all.

This sounds like a real pain- as you say, you should be able to relax in your own home. If he doesn’t understand when you raise this with him, maybe you’re not compatible in the long term.

It sounds like he's got an obsession, a mental health problem or perhaps he's just a plain bully, pure and simple and his attitude is getting you down. Get rid OP. I do hope that you're in a position to end this. There are plenty of normal people out there but sadly, he isn't one of them.

I definitely wouldn't have gone into the relationship if I'd have known it would have been this bad. Although it seems to progressively get worse as the years go by.

@lottiegarbanzo I don't spend my work days cleaning... I get up at 7, tidy up and shower and start work at 8.30ish. Tuesdays I work in the evening, as my role involves dealing with our US office so it's easier if I contact them in the evening.

I said to him that the only way I can see him truly happy is living on his own with the bare minimum furniture. He said I shouldn't have got the pillows/throws for the sofa, it triggers him and he hates seeing them not made up. I don't want to live as though it's a doctors surgery, all clinical and bare. We're incompatible I guess and it'll only get worse.

He's mental and it won't change. Leave.

Incompatible is right, unfortunately, and I would suggest your compatibility is much more suited to the general population, than his.

But he's fantastic in other aspects, he supports my career, he's so loyal and supportive. We laugh together and enjoy each other's company. I love his DD and she adores me.

You are not lazy. I know someone with OCD and their partner finds it incredibly difficult to live with. She lives on her nerves and can't relax in her own home. I'd get out now!

You can be partners who don't live together. I mean it's a choice some people make. Might that suit you?

It sounds like he has anxiety around things being clean and in their place, maybe suggest he practices some techniques to manage this rather than you having to live up to the cleanliness he needs.
I have quite severe ocd and its taken me a long time to realise that its my responsibility and people (my partner) shouldn't be expcted to live up to the standards i have because it isnt realistic. We have a system that works now, he does the basic things and 'normal cleaning' and i deep clean and put things exactly where i want them. He cant live up to impossible standards

@DontBendYourAccrylicNail

But he's fantastic in other aspects, he supports my career, he's so loyal and supportive. We laugh together and enjoy each other's company. I love his DD and she adores me.

Hi OP, I am sorry to say that this really is not enough. He has a disorder, either OCD or serious anxiety that he is masking with OCD tendencies. It will only get worse. The best thing you can do for yourself and your own mental health is to split - I only say this as you have no DC together and therefore only you to think of (although I would support any partner leaving in this circumstance). I knew someone like this and his wife suffered from depression - since he died she has blossomed - depression cured (why? because the depression was caused by being constantly on edge regarding levels of cleanliness and tidiness and also the level of coercive control these men exert so that they do not get in a "huff".)

Do you know if his behaviour has caused issues in previous relationships? Are either of his parents like this?

Yes, give some serious thought to living separately. You will both be more relaxed!

Well if this is the only negative in the relationship, he needs to seek help for it. You have got 100s of comments on here saying its not normal.

Have you actually said if this continues the relationship will be over?

@DontBendYourAccrylicNail

But he's fantastic in other aspects, he supports my career, he's so loyal and supportive. We laugh together and enjoy each other's company. I love his DD and she adores me.

but OP how is it supportive of your career to have you walking on eggshells about the state of the house and how he'll react to the tiniest bit of mess? how do you even focus on work with that going on? ditto how is he supportive when he's telling you you're lazy? how is it supporive to minimse and downgrade and handwave away your very real upset? loyalty is the very least you should exect - he's meant to love you!

but if this is the only fly in the ointment, would he pay for a cleaner so it became less of an issue?

@lottiegarbanzo

You can be partners who don't live together. I mean it's a choice some people make. Might that suit you?

I was coming on to say the same thing, get your own place if you are compatible in every other way, it might not work long term but give it a shot. there was a couple on Come Dine with me who are together 8 years live separately. You are not lazy, you do a hell of a lot more than I do. His problem.

Bless you OP this is not normal at all

I'd like to stress the point that it is common but completely unreasonable for the person with the higher standards to set the standard.

You both need to put your cards on the table - in terms of what your home furnishing preferences and cleanliness standards are - then discuss what can be compromised and whether and how you can meet in the middle.

This is not a case of one person having learned how to look after a house, while the other is clueless or considers it someone else's job. In those cases there is some need for the more capable person to spell out what needs doing, to the untrained one.

This is a case of two competent grown ups with different preferences.

He needs to respect your needs and preferences as much as you do his. You each need to decide, individually, whether you can face continuing to live like this.

The situation sounds unbearable. I simply wouldn't be able to continue .

I was in the same position as you. Before lockdown I was off sick so did all of the housework. I then returned to work as the pandemic hit so started working full time from home and DP stopped working and he has OCD. We nearly split up because he wanted me to deep clean with him everyday and I couldn't. Instead of appreciating what I actually used to do whilst he was at work he told me and all of his family that I was lazy and I didn't help him clean during the day. I explained I would do my share when I finished work and it wasn't good enough because he couldn't sit and wait in a dirty house until I finished work (our house is never dirty) we had 4 kids at home so obviously the pots and toys etc was constant. I ended up giving him an ultimatum and he backed off. Put your foot down and have a property conversation about it not explain that you will help him when your working day has finished.

Totally unreasonable!

A relationship doesn’t have to be awful in every respect in order to be over. He may well have some wonderful qualities but this sticking point is so major I can’t see how it can possibly be overcome without you living an utterly miserable life. Other men can be supportive of your career without making you feel like you’re waking in egg shells in your own home. Or you can be happily single!

Sounds awful.
You should dump him.