Am I just a lazy girlfriend or is he unreasonable?

[DontBendYourAccrylicNail]

I'm actually not sure whether I'm just a lazy sod or if the problem lies with DP.

He's obsessed with things being clean. I WFH and each day I straighten the living room up (make the sofas, throws, pillows) and hoover up. I tidy the kitchen, put a wash on and put one out on the line or on the radiators. Tuesday I did a deep clean of the kitchen and ironed for two hours, I wiped all the windowsills down and did the skirting boards but it's still not good enough. I wasn't home yesterday till 10pm and was at work again today (in the office). I made a roast dinner and the floor ended up with a few drops of steamed water.

I can only buy a certain type of kitchen roll. He constantly wants a "deep clean" and I'm just fed up. I was thinking the other day how nice it would be to just not worry about tidying up before he gets home

He's just said "I don't tidy up a lot" and it's actually upset me, I feel so unappreciated and he's completely missing my points.

[ThirstyGhost]

@DontBendYourAccrylicNail

But he's fantastic in other aspects, he supports my career, he's so loyal and supportive. We laugh together and enjoy each other's company. I love his DD and she adores me.

I mean this kindly, but what you're describing isn't, "fantastic". It's a baseline in what you should expect from a partner in a healthy relationship. You need to be able to be relaxed and at ease in your own home. That should be a baseline too.

[abbey44]

I wouldn't say you're being lazy at all. Men like this only change one way, and that's to get even more extreme. You'll end up a nervous wreck, walking on eggshells won't even begin to cover it. I was married to one - at one point we had a full-time housekeeper, 40 hours a week, and the house STILL wasn't good enough. The instant he came through the door in the evening, he'd home in one a magazine that was an inch out of place, a cushion that wasn't properly plumped...God, I can't believe that I put up with it for so long!

If he's lovely in every other way - and I wonder about that, but only you know that really - then for your own sanity I'd think about separate places to live at the very least. Life really is too short to live like this, and I'm speaking from experience.

[BlueThistles]

He 'loves' you on HIS terms ... look at what he's doing to his own child... look at how he has made you feel.. it's no way to live. 🌺

[2bazookas]

You're not lazy, you're normal. He's not.
A lifetime nagging from an OCD housework perfectionist must be sheer hell. Think of his poor babies, having to get potty trained in the womb.

[dottiedodah]

I think this is a recipe for disaster darling! Seriously who can live like this for very long ?As you say there is only 2 of you ATM what happens if you have DC FFS! I would not think there is much of a future here Im afraid!

[dottiedodah]

FatArseFlanagan .Laughed and laughed at your post .Seriously my house is clean and (fairly tidy)! Pay attention to kitchen and bathroom and hoover a few times a week .Do laundry and so on.However dont think I will ever attempt a "Deep Clean" anywhere! Never have, never will Suns shining ,Out to the beach with the dog!(We live a few miles from the coast) Sun not shining and rainy, out to the woods or a sit down in the warm with MN /Newspaper etc .Never yet woken up thinking "simply must deep clean my house today!)

[Dery]

"A relationship doesn’t have to be awful in every respect in order to be over. He may well have some wonderful qualities but this sticking point is so major I can’t see how it can possibly be overcome without you living an utterly miserable life. Other men can be supportive of your career without making you feel like you’re waking in egg shells in your own home. Or you can be happily single!"

This. My H (who is very supportive of my career) is naturally tidier than I am and we periodically have a bit of a row over it but it doesn't impact our day-to-day or even week-to-week existence whereas you seem to be unable to relax in your own home. It's unsustainable. As PP have suggested, perhaps try living apart for a bit and see how that goes. That might also help your partner understand how problematic this is for you.

Also - if he has OCD (and he sounds like he may), he will, to a certain extent, be unreachable on this unless he accepts he has a problem and tries to treat it. We are dealing with OCD in our family - it is being treated but it is still very difficult to have discussions with the affected family member on matters related to it - you are basically having a discussion with the OCD, not the person behind it, and the OCD is like an impenetrable wall.

[Yummyplainscones]

I don’t know how you manage to live like this OP.

• Your partner is ‘triggered’ by the throws and cushions being untidy.
  
• You do loads of housework and he says you do nothing.
  
• He is getting worse over the years. He has finally admitted he has an obsession but doesn’t see what is wrong with it.
  
• It doesn’t sound like he has any intention of getting help.
  

You need to decide if you are prepared to continue living like this. Is this what life is all about?
All I know is I couldn’t stand it, living under this constant pressure, where is the happiness? You are worth more than this OP.

[BlokeHereInPeace]

Dunno about the control stuff, it's just the way he is, and it's not the way you are. I doubt if anyone could live like he does, hoovering every day? Is that a thing? It won't get better, by the sound of it. I feel sorry for his daughter and that's another thing to worry about, a life of no friends round and no informality.

Good luck.

[beanpop335]

Omg OP; I read that as if I had written it!! It's exhausting constantly trying to maintain a ridiculously high standard. I feel your struggle.

[pog100]

You don't have to do this anymore. Just bloody end it, you can leave him. You will never regret it.

[TorkTorkBam]

How do you two relax and have fun? How do you have sex? Penis beaker?

[InFiveMins]

He sounds awful. Bin him off.

[Dhalia443]

I had one like this...complaining the kitchen floor wasn’t clean enough, when I had come home from a c section and also had a two year old. ( plus weeks of SPD pelvic pain before)

I was scrubbing The floor in pain....whilst he was on two weeks leave!

It was years before I saw the light!

RUN NOW!

[Scarydinosaurs]

He might be wonderful but he add sadness to your life.

You will find someone more compatible.

[Aerial2020]

You will never be a good enough housekeeper for him. He will chip at your self esteem to keep you in your place.
It's a way of controlling you.

[Dhalia443]

Very true aerial.
He’s the demand man.

[BilboBercow]

Either he has OCD that he's not interested in working on, in which case, get rid, or he's abusive.

In which case definitely get rid.

[Franticbutterfly]

@DontBendYourAccrylicNail

He stomps around the place huffing and puffing (like tonight) so I'm genuinely wondering whether I'm a lazy mare!

If your partner is constantly making you feel like shit, you are with the wrong partner. You are a person not a bleedin' robot! Tell him that the person who has the higher cleaning standards does the lions share.

Like PP said, "run for the hills".

[WhiteWidow001]

I was married to one of these too. I would jump off out of my seat when he came home and start to bustle to try and make it better. He'd huff around, throwing things in the bin (and I mean throwing things in the bin) slamming cupboard doors and sighing. Storming through the house in a rage as he went. He'd shake this head at things like a mug left on the side in a really sad, sad way as if he couldn't believe what he was seeing.

It was more OCPD than OCD. I remember distinctly one day I'd made an extra effort and he came in, looked round for something to huff at, and couldn't find anything so started going through the DVDs for something to watch. Then huffed because they weren't all in alphabetical order. That was the day I gave up as I realised it wasn't about the DVDs or the cleanliness; he just wanted a stick to beat me with.

To your DP, perfection maybe means symmetry and order and clinical cleanliness. And he probably thinks that's the pinnacle of living; what everyone should aspire to. But that's not your idea of perfection because it makes you uncomfortable. And his idea of perfection doesn't trump yours; it's very arrogant of him to assume it does.

Maybe go out and buy one of those red velvet ropes, like the one they put round museum exhibits. Then make the sofa, rope it off for him to look at and admire, pack your bags and rediscover your own blissful space.

[HeddaGarbled]

He sounds mentally unwell and I’d be concerned about his daughter.

[TracyMosby]

he doesn't care

You said it yourself. He doesnt care how he makes you feel.

[HeddaGarbled]

I think I’d tell all his friends and family exactly how he’s behaving in the hope that enough of them will tell him he needs therapy for him to take notice.

[Weenurse]

Maybe you need separate homes.
I worked with a lady who had 2 DC with her partner.
They lived 3 houses apart as could not live together happily.
They had a great, solid relationship and DC much loved and welcomed into both homes.
It worked for them.

[Sunflower1970]

He has OCD and this is not a healthy relationship. There is no much more to life than cleaning. Your life is boring with him. Leave !