Am I just a lazy girlfriend or is he unreasonable?

[DontBendYourAccrylicNail]

I'm actually not sure whether I'm just a lazy sod or if the problem lies with DP.

He's obsessed with things being clean. I WFH and each day I straighten the living room up (make the sofas, throws, pillows) and hoover up. I tidy the kitchen, put a wash on and put one out on the line or on the radiators. Tuesday I did a deep clean of the kitchen and ironed for two hours, I wiped all the windowsills down and did the skirting boards but it's still not good enough. I wasn't home yesterday till 10pm and was at work again today (in the office). I made a roast dinner and the floor ended up with a few drops of steamed water.

I can only buy a certain type of kitchen roll. He constantly wants a "deep clean" and I'm just fed up. I was thinking the other day how nice it would be to just not worry about tidying up before he gets home

He's just said "I don't tidy up a lot" and it's actually upset me, I feel so unappreciated and he's completely missing my points.

[Scweltish]

How are you op?

[doubleaces89]

Your DP clearly has OCD (or other issues), which may not be entirely his fault. His experiences have shaped him to be the person he is.

However you're clearly not happy with the status quo (neither would I be..), but you have quite a simple choice..

[billy1966]

What a nasty abusive man.

He sounds so awful.

Is this really all you want from your life OP.

Get out and warn his family that his child is at risk.

[BitOfFun]

@MunaZaldrizoti

Can people stop trying to medicalise him, FFS.

He is controlling and abusive. I suggest you Google "king is the castle" and read Living with the Dominator, OP.

You're living with an abuser.

I completely agree, @MunaZaldrizoti.

[mrsrat]

I had to completely wash the dishes before o pit them on the dishwasher and ex would then inspect it to be sure I had loaded it correctly and then I would be ALLOWED to put it on . Sometimes he would open the machine mid cycle to check k o hadn't "cheated "!

[Sakurami]

My dad likes everything clean and tidy and although not as bad as your dp, it does mean that it isn't relaxing being around him.

[MunaZaldrizoti]

Can people stop trying to medicalise him, FFS.

He is controlling and abusive. I suggest you Google "king is the castle" and read Living with the Dominator, OP.

You're living with an abuser.

[KunekuneKristmasCake]

Maybe living apart but in a relationship could work?

[CandidaAlbicans2]

But he's fantastic in other aspects, he supports my career, he's so loyal and supportive. We laugh together and enjoy each other's company. I love his DD and she adores me

@DontBendYourAccrylicNail, would staying together but living separately be an option? Surely that's the middle ground if the relationship is good apart from this issue.

[Aminuts23]

He sounds awful OP. It will be gutting to leave his DD behind if you leave this relationship but you can’t stay for her and he won’t change. I’m a bit of a neat freak but this is ridiculous. And it is aggressive. Just imagine how relaxed you’ll be in your own home. I’ve had a lazy morning, not made my bed yet, not done last nights pots yet. So what??

[RantyAnty]

I had a relationship with one of these and it made me a nervous wreck.

He was a passive aggressive controlling wanker. No OCD.

Would he be willing to see his GP? There are medications for this.
I have OCD but it manifests itself in a different way and after getting medication, it made a huge difference.

The main thing is that you simply can't continue on like this without serious damage to yourself mentally and physically. Nobody is worth that.

He can go to the GP and get treated and. if he has real OCD he can be helped with treatment.

If he's the angry controlling wanker, there is no help for that. There would be no point explaining to him and staying as he knows what he is doing. He just doesn't care.

[cheeseycharlie]

Confused. Are you his GF or his cleaner?

[Alabamawhirly1]

I know someone like this. It's a type of ocd.

Her partner basically said your issue you deal with it. She does the level of cleaning she wants to and just ignores him. It's seems to work for them. She is really strong and doesn't take his shit. Which has also calmed him down a bit with it. Pandering to it doesnt help.

But, it looks stressful. He doesn't like having people over. He does get grumpy and stressed when things arnt right and he's repeatedly fallen out with her family because they don't respect the house when there.

He does do all the cleaning which must be a plus. But I don't think I could put up with the stess of it all. Their house is modern minimalist as well which seems to also fit her taste.

So it can work. But I think you really have to love the person because the cleaning odc will be a constant stress in your life and it will effect lots of aspects. The ocd will probably effect potential kids as well and how they are allowed to play and whether they can have friends over.

You need to think about how you can manage his needs together and whether you can put up with him stressing over the cleaning forever. But trying to live up to his cleaning standard won't work.

[MoonJelly]

But he's fantastic in other aspects, he supports my career, he's so loyal and supportive. We laugh together and enjoy each other's company.

Any half-decent bloke support his partner's career, and it really doesn't sound like you do enjoy his company if you feel you're treading on eggshells in case he finds something out of place or he's huffing around you deep-cleaning for two hours a day. Plus the fact that you have to spend so much time cleaning and tidying doesn't really support your career, does it?

[MoonJelly]

I just get annoyed when he's cleaning and tidying around me but he isn't actually asking me to help so I don't understand why it makes me feel uncomfortable?

It would make anyone feel uncomfortable. When someone's cleaning around you they're giving off vibes that you're getting in their way and you ought to be helping or doing the cleaning yourself. My mother was like this, I remember that it was always supremely uncomfortable. Even when I was in the depths of revision for important exams, she made it clear that the housework ought to come first.

[AlwaysCheddar]

Whose house is it? I’d leave as he is nuts. He’s abusive. Being nice sometimes is not good as most of the time he’s nasty. His kid will soon grow to hate him, as will you. Get out, or kick him out.

[Sunflower1970]

He has OCD and this is not a healthy relationship. There is no much more to life than cleaning. Your life is boring with him. Leave !

[Weenurse]

Maybe you need separate homes.
I worked with a lady who had 2 DC with her partner.
They lived 3 houses apart as could not live together happily.
They had a great, solid relationship and DC much loved and welcomed into both homes.
It worked for them.

[HeddaGarbled]

I think I’d tell all his friends and family exactly how he’s behaving in the hope that enough of them will tell him he needs therapy for him to take notice.

[TracyMosby]

he doesn't care

You said it yourself. He doesnt care how he makes you feel.

[HeddaGarbled]

He sounds mentally unwell and I’d be concerned about his daughter.

[WhiteWidow001]

I was married to one of these too. I would jump off out of my seat when he came home and start to bustle to try and make it better. He'd huff around, throwing things in the bin (and I mean throwing things in the bin) slamming cupboard doors and sighing. Storming through the house in a rage as he went. He'd shake this head at things like a mug left on the side in a really sad, sad way as if he couldn't believe what he was seeing.

It was more OCPD than OCD. I remember distinctly one day I'd made an extra effort and he came in, looked round for something to huff at, and couldn't find anything so started going through the DVDs for something to watch. Then huffed because they weren't all in alphabetical order. That was the day I gave up as I realised it wasn't about the DVDs or the cleanliness; he just wanted a stick to beat me with.

To your DP, perfection maybe means symmetry and order and clinical cleanliness. And he probably thinks that's the pinnacle of living; what everyone should aspire to. But that's not your idea of perfection because it makes you uncomfortable. And his idea of perfection doesn't trump yours; it's very arrogant of him to assume it does.

Maybe go out and buy one of those red velvet ropes, like the one they put round museum exhibits. Then make the sofa, rope it off for him to look at and admire, pack your bags and rediscover your own blissful space.

[Franticbutterfly]

@DontBendYourAccrylicNail

He stomps around the place huffing and puffing (like tonight) so I'm genuinely wondering whether I'm a lazy mare!

If your partner is constantly making you feel like shit, you are with the wrong partner. You are a person not a bleedin' robot! Tell him that the person who has the higher cleaning standards does the lions share.

Like PP said, "run for the hills".

[BilboBercow]

Either he has OCD that he's not interested in working on, in which case, get rid, or he's abusive.

In which case definitely get rid.

[Dhalia443]

Very true aerial.
He’s the demand man.