Am I just a lazy girlfriend or is he unreasonable?

[DontBendYourAccrylicNail]

I'm actually not sure whether I'm just a lazy sod or if the problem lies with DP.

He's obsessed with things being clean. I WFH and each day I straighten the living room up (make the sofas, throws, pillows) and hoover up. I tidy the kitchen, put a wash on and put one out on the line or on the radiators. Tuesday I did a deep clean of the kitchen and ironed for two hours, I wiped all the windowsills down and did the skirting boards but it's still not good enough. I wasn't home yesterday till 10pm and was at work again today (in the office). I made a roast dinner and the floor ended up with a few drops of steamed water.

I can only buy a certain type of kitchen roll. He constantly wants a "deep clean" and I'm just fed up. I was thinking the other day how nice it would be to just not worry about tidying up before he gets home

He's just said "I don't tidy up a lot" and it's actually upset me, I feel so unappreciated and he's completely missing my points.

[BitOfFun]

For people who haven't read even just the OP's posts, here's a reminder of one of them, so they stop inadvertently saying something possibly hurtful:

I can't have children so I won't have that worry of adding a child into the mix.

[timeisnotaline]

Before you leave, perhaps you could have a messy play and meal with his dd (and take all the blame). It might be the highlight of that poor child’s year. I would tell him explicitly this is no way to bring a child up and if you love her you should get help.

[iluvgab]

I think you're not compatible as far as standard of cleaning goes.
I think it sounds you have a sensible approach to it.
He is completely over the top.

I think you might be better off separating. I couldn't live like that at all and now you've got to the stage of crying and feeling you can't go on like this. Something needs to change.

[DPotter]

You are certainly not lazy. I don't know what's going on in his head, but he is certainly unreasonable.

The negative effect on you is so severe that I think you need to step away and leave him to it.

Oh on on your way out, contact his DD's mum and explain what's going on - although she probably knows already

[ICannotBeArsed]

He needs to talk to someone. You first couple of posts here sound very ‘sleeping with the enemy’

[Sertchgi123]

@DontBendYourAccrylicNail

He stomps around the place huffing and puffing (like tonight) so I'm genuinely wondering whether I'm a lazy mare!

Jesus, you are not a lazy mare. 🌺🌺🌺

You deserve better love, LTB.

[readingismycardio]

I love a clean house and I think everyone does to a certain extent, but this is a living nightmare. He loves a deep clean, but somehow you re the one doing it!!

Also, just in case you think of sticking around: imagine having a pet or GOD FORBID a CHILD with this man

[readingismycardio]

Oh, I read the child update, I apologise. A pet, though. That'd be his final straw

[AnxiousPixie]

My other half has OCD (diagnosed) and is very similar, inc comments about me making too much mess. I do a lot round the house but like you it's never 'good enough' to meet the expectation of his condition.

Important (maybe) difference for me though it's that otherwise he is a loving husband and good dad. I see it as part of my role as his wife to help him manage his condition. Like you though there are times I feel like I can't relax and if rather not nice than make a mess.

He could have a condition or he could just be a crappy boyfriend, only you know! 🤷

[Anydreamwilldo12]

Controlling bullying git and his poor daughter having a father like that. Pack up your bags and get as far away from him as possible. He's a twat.

[sqirrelfriends]

You are NOT lazy, life is too short to spend so much time cleaning.

Honestly, I couldn't live with someone who expected so much, how would it be if you had kids? You would never sit down I expect.

[Bananalanacake]

You don't have dc together so there is no need to live with him. Can you live separately and still see him, then you can have your own place how you want.

[sqirrelfriends]

Sorry OP, I should have RTFT before commenting.

I definitely think you should consider leaving if it's affecting your happiness.

[areyoubeingserviced]

As another poster said. I am feeling stressed just reading your post Op. I am a bit of a clean freak, but your dp sounds obsessive.
It also appears as though he is using this as a means of control. You are constantly trying to please him and he knows it.
Your home should be your sanctuary and yet you are on edge. Fuck that for a game of soldiers.
I think that you need to decide whether you want to remain in a relationship with a man who can’t bear a few crumbs of digestives on the kitchen table or living in peace in your own home

[fatherfintanstack]

I honestly couldn't live with this OP. it would send my anxiety and panic through the roof and would kill any sexual or romantic interest I had in the man.

Sounds like you may be nearing the end of your tether and if so, please know that your reasons for going would be valid. This criticism and control is not what you should be coming home to.

Even if you have different standards, there needs to be compromise. Sounds as though his are unrealistic and he is seeing mess that isn't there. This could be due to OCD but it is for him to address this, not for you to push him to seek help.

If relations are cordial, I would second having a word with the daughter's mum if you can as this sounds unpleasant for her. This would be for her to manage the situation and let DD know that her father's hypervigilance is not a reflection on her (in an age appropriate way).

[MellowMelly]

I agree with the posters that said it sounds like he has OCD but he is controlling you with it. My reasons for agreeing with that are...
I was an absolute clean freak years ago. It was a running joke in my family (in a nice way) that I most likely had OCD. I have a grip on it now but I couldn’t help myself but clean and clean some more. But what I NEVER used to do is make anyone in my house feel the way he makes you feel. When they helped me around the home I appreciated it and was thankful. Yes perhaps we can be a bit inwardly irritated if it’s not done to our crazy standards but it doesn’t mean we treat other people like crap.

So then I met my last partner, now an ex. I noticed early on he had OCD but eventually he made my life a misery with it. Initially I excused it as anxiety alongside the OCD but I soon realised he was basically a bully. Nothing I did was good enough. The only difference here is he did absolutely nothing around the house and channelled his OCD through me. One day I told him I had dusted and I actually caught him running his finger along a shelf in another room that I had not finished cleaning yet. The consequences of that...he told me we weren’t going out at the weekend because the house needed a ‘proper’ deep clean. That was my punishment.

I just don’t think OCD or being a clean freak excuses his behaviour. I think he isn’t nice in general.

[seensome]

You are wfh not his full time house maid, stop giving in to his demands. He's picking on you like a bully and when you do it, it's never good enough. Ltb

[DontBendYourAccrylicNail]

Morning, my fellow pastry eaters and chocolate fondue lovers.

We ended up having an argument and sleeping in separate rooms. He said I don't "do any tidying" and I said so what do I do then? And he said "I don't know what you do" and I just lost my temper. It's insulting. I spent the whole day on Tuesday cleaning, ironing, washing etc and I just felt insulted.

I know I spend a lot of time tidying up and making the house neat. I clearly don't do anything according to him so I just finished the conversation.

I appreciate it annoys him when there's mess but I'm so sick and tired of not being able to even put a plastic plate on the coffee table (it has to have a magazine underneath or a coaster) or him moaning that something needs cleaning in the house. Last week it was the skirting boards needed cleaning.

I think he'd be happier if he lived alone rather than a messy pig like me he didn't say I'm a messy pig but that's what he's thinking.

Apparently he thinks having high levels of cleanliness is a good thing and I agree but he genuinely doesn't even see how bad he is.

[positivelynegative]

If you want to stay you need to make him understand. Perhaps stop everything and then he can see your contribution.

[pointythings]

This man has a problem. His obsession with tidiness isn't just a matter of you two having different standards, and I strongly suspect he has OCD. So you have a choice: either you lay down the law and tell him to get help and treatment, or you end the relationship. This isn't a sustainable situation.

I really feel for his DD, she is going to have major problems as she gets older.

[CorianderLord]

I wouldn't deal with anyone saying I didn't do anything when I did loads. He can fuck off and get therapy for his issues.

IHonestly, if my boyfriend was stomping I'd have taken the yoghurt out of the fridge and poured it on the floor. Then I'd have chucked biscuits in it. Staring him
In the eye. I've done it before when DP was being rude about the house being a mess and I'd do it again. It can be cleaned. It's not a big deAl.

If you really give a shit about proving your point, next week you could note down how much cleaning you do with times next to it and the same for him. Throw the notebook in his face and tell him to leave with the knowledge you do more than him.

If he can't even listen to you about why you're upset then there's no point continuing the relationship.

Or, stop cleaning altogether and let him see what it's like when you don't do jack.

[PamsterWheel]

Run!

[Disfordarkchocolate]

I had a husband like this. Constantly telling me I didn't do enough but not that fussed to do much himself.

I traded up, I now have a husband who does as much as me. None of us are that fussed about the skirting boards though, they get hoovered when you move furniture.

[CorianderLord]

Oh and I haven't cleaned my skirting boards in three years. Why would I? Nobody looks at them

[TheGoodEnoughWife]

This doesn't sound any way to live.
I agree with others. Either get out or if you want to still try just stop doing anything. At all. And then maybe he will see how much you have been doing?