Am I just a lazy girlfriend or is he unreasonable?

[DontBendYourAccrylicNail]

I'm actually not sure whether I'm just a lazy sod or if the problem lies with DP.

He's obsessed with things being clean. I WFH and each day I straighten the living room up (make the sofas, throws, pillows) and hoover up. I tidy the kitchen, put a wash on and put one out on the line or on the radiators. Tuesday I did a deep clean of the kitchen and ironed for two hours, I wiped all the windowsills down and did the skirting boards but it's still not good enough. I wasn't home yesterday till 10pm and was at work again today (in the office). I made a roast dinner and the floor ended up with a few drops of steamed water.

I can only buy a certain type of kitchen roll. He constantly wants a "deep clean" and I'm just fed up. I was thinking the other day how nice it would be to just not worry about tidying up before he gets home

He's just said "I don't tidy up a lot" and it's actually upset me, I feel so unappreciated and he's completely missing my points.

Why are you trying to do one pot dishes when he does the pots?

"He said I don't "do any tidying""

So stop. Stop tidying, stop cleaning, stop washing, stop dusting, stop hoovering, stop wiping.

" him moaning that something needs cleaning in the house. Last week it was the skirting boards needed cleaning."

Point him in the direction of the cleaning cupboard and enjoy a nice flakey pastry on the sofa. Do make sure to point out any bits he misses tho, so that he doesnt get upset that it hasnt been done right.

Just the two of you, there really can't be that much mess and certainly no need to deep clean all the time. It should be easy maintenance only.
I hope you can leave and relax and enjoy your next home.

He sounds exhausting. All the arguments seem to be about getting the house clean enough for his standards, but nothing about your needs (for a relaxing home, to not be on edge all the time). Its very concerning that it doesn't occur to him at all that you should be finding a compromise that works for you both. Relationships that are all on one person's terms are exhausting and soul destroying for the other person.

I can't explain how I'm feeling to him. He thinks I'm being unreasonable because as he says, he's not asking me to do the cleaning and he'll do it all himself but that's only sustainable for so long. I wouldn't want it to work like that, we're supposed to be a team and help each other out.

I just get annoyed when he's cleaning and tidying around me but he isn't actually asking me to help so I don't understand why it makes me feel uncomfortable?

I think you feel guilty when he is cleaning.

But it seems you do the cooking and the shopping (for the particular type of kitchen roll he likes no less), so it seems like a fair trade off.

Can you not just agree to leave the cleaning to him, and perhaps go out while he is stropping about with a duster in hand?

You need to split up OP. You can't carry on like this.

I do understand as my DH has OCD which is fairly low level unless he's stressed. Then he gets like this. We both work from home at the moment too. It makes my blood boil when I've spent half an hour cleaning up the kitchen, then he'll go in and wipe it all down because 'its a pigsty'. He will get up on a Sunday morning and start huffing and puffing when I just want to chill out. But a lot of the time he's just talk. 'This room needs hoovering. I'm going to hoover'. And he'll get the vaccuum out. And it will block the hallway for the next week.

You are not compatible. To be honest he doesn't sound like he's compatible with anyone other than someone he's prepared to pay to clean his home constantly.

Because it’s passive aggressive cleaning.

I’d be considering moving out. Leave him to his show empty house.

Get rid of him!

What's the house situation? I'd be leaving him or kicking him out.

He sounds like my mother. The house always had to be immaculate and if I left a book on the sofa (cos I'd be coming back to it again shortly) I'd find it put away on the book case. Any mess would be moaned about until sorted.

My house is now a midden. Well, it's clean but there's too much stuff so it definitely looks lived in. I do go through bouts of tidying but it doesn't last and I don't care. Luckily DP is as bad. Of course my daughter may grow up to be a neat freak but at least she'll be able to relax in her own home!

OP - can I ask you this.

If you're home alone sitting on the sofa - and you hear him come in, what do you do?

I think the answer to this question will tell you what you need to do.

He’s an unreasonable bully op
You doing way more than necessary if every day
Stuff him

You're not lazy, and his expectations are totally unrealistic. I would be incredibly uncomfortable with someone like this. If he wants to live in a house that's deep cleaned every day, he needs to live on his own. And he should also get some help for what sounds like something that is slipping into OCD.

It makes you uncomfortable because it is designed to make you feel inadequate and 'not up to standard'. My dad is like this and it was horrible to grow up in. It's emotional abusive in my experience. There's no discussion and compromise, just an underlying message that your standards are wrong and that you're not good enough.

Your possibly feeling some cognitive dissonance. On the one hand you think you are pulling your weight and cleaning to a perfectly acceptable standard but you've got someone else telling you that your perception is wrong. And you are beginning to internalise that perception whilst, at the moment, still feeling that perception is off. Two incompatible thoughts about you at the same time. Hence the discomfort and questioning.

My dad hates my house now but there's nothing he can do about it!

I just get annoyed when he's cleaning and tidying around me but he isn't actually asking me to help so I don't understand why it makes me feel uncomfortable?

He's doing it to make a point and to make you feel uncomfortable. It's done on purpose, "look what I have to do, because you haven't". I have issues as an adult still, because my dad was a raging bull of a man with "high standards". He was a controlling dickhead. I bet you're the only person he treats like this. My mum was the only person who got the worst of it her whole life. I wish she'd left. Sulky black cloud of a man. I'm screamingly projecting a lot here, but honestly your thread has made me upset and angry on your behalf. And for all the other people dealing with this kind of controlling, miserable crap in their lives.

My friend is married to one of these angry cleaners. They've had their 40th wedding anniversary and she's a broken shell of woman who drinks far too much. She's dreading the day he retires and is home all the time.

It not just that he cleans but that he is critical of you, even if not direct it is implied through his passive aggressiveness.

Attitudes to cleanliness and finances should be aligned or both partners must be easy going about it if not. He isn't easy going and the stress you feel is real.

He doesn't care that you feel unhappy. I had a controlling Ex and the lightbulb moment was when I realised he didn't care about me enough...his needs would always dominate.

There is no way to fix this..we spent so much time and money on joint and solo counselling but it was pointless as ex didn't want to compromise on his needs.

This is your situation...his level of cleanliness IS the standard and you have to reach it. He won't accept that his view maybe excessive.

He finally admitted today he knows he's excessive but he doesn't care because he doesn't want to live in a shit tip.

He just doesn't understand it... he also thinks that 2 hours a day cleaning isn't that much. What the actual fuck 

@tyrannid you've explained how I feel perfectly.

I'm so glad I'm not being unreasonable here and it's him with the problem.

I agree with @tyrannid. Yu are unfonfortable because the way he is doing the cleaning is designed to make you feel unconfortable.
It's very passive aggressive too, the important word here being aggressive.

No wonder you are feeling unconfortable.

I would just stop cleaning so he can see that you do actually do stuff. I don't clean for 2 hours on a housework day (Friday) let alone every day! Only exception is deep clean in spring and before Christmas which includes skirtings and doors.

Daily, Beds are made, kitchen is wiped down and downstairs is hoovered through after dinner. Friday afternoon we do the 2 bathrooms, change bedding/towels and dust/hoover top to bottom, but we both do it so it's done and we can relax on weekend.

My husband does randomly start deep cleaning kitchen pulling all cupboards out.... I don't help him.... Its his choice to do it and he doesn't whinge now as I've made my position very clear. Our home is not dirty..... Its lived in!!!!

If he wants to clean for 2 hours daily, let him whilst you sit on couch and watch TV. This is what I did.... He soon got bored of being a martyr when I wasn't giving my deep appreciation of his efforts. Your DH sounds worse than mine though so not sure if this will work.

He needs to talk to someone. You first couple of posts here sound very ‘sleeping with the enemy’

very good analogy and so true 🌺

If he wants a "deep clean" why isn't he doing it?

You know that it doesn't actually matter how "deep" you clean, he will find fault elsewhere, right?

you do a LOT more cleaning than me. I could not be with someone who rushed round tidying and cleaning,a nd I am certainly not going to do it for them!

Buy him a hazmat suit and tell him to live in that.

You don't have to live like this.

@DontBendYourAccrylicNail

I can't explain how I'm feeling to him. He thinks I'm being unreasonable because as he says, he's not asking me to do the cleaning and he'll do it all himself but that's only sustainable for so long. I wouldn't want it to work like that, we're supposed to be a team and help each other out.

I just get annoyed when he's cleaning and tidying around me but he isn't actually asking me to help so I don't understand why it makes me feel uncomfortable?

With all due respect, he's NOT doing it all himself is he? You're doing the washing, the ironing, the day to day stuff. The skirting boards etc. So it's hard to understand on what planet he thinks he "doesn't mind" doing it. If he feels that way, go ahead and leave it all to him for a while. Do your own washing and ironing but otherwise, leave it to him for a while and let's see if he starts to notice how much you ACTUALLY do. he sounds like a complete bastard.

Oh, and I feel sorry for his DD. Imagine growing up like that. I'd love to hear what his ex thinks....