Am I just a lazy girlfriend or is he unreasonable?

[DontBendYourAccrylicNail]

I'm actually not sure whether I'm just a lazy sod or if the problem lies with DP.

He's obsessed with things being clean. I WFH and each day I straighten the living room up (make the sofas, throws, pillows) and hoover up. I tidy the kitchen, put a wash on and put one out on the line or on the radiators. Tuesday I did a deep clean of the kitchen and ironed for two hours, I wiped all the windowsills down and did the skirting boards but it's still not good enough. I wasn't home yesterday till 10pm and was at work again today (in the office). I made a roast dinner and the floor ended up with a few drops of steamed water.

I can only buy a certain type of kitchen roll. He constantly wants a "deep clean" and I'm just fed up. I was thinking the other day how nice it would be to just not worry about tidying up before he gets home

He's just said "I don't tidy up a lot" and it's actually upset me, I feel so unappreciated and he's completely missing my points.

[Heartofglass12345]

He sounds like my mum. She's never been diagnosed with OCD but I think she has it. Constantly cleaning and tidying, we weren't allowed to leave anything around when we were younger, she made us deep clean the house every Friday and clean every day. Our rooms had to be spotless. She was working 7 days a week at one point and was getting up at half 5 in the morning on the weekends to clean up before work. She's constantly on at my stepdad about his stuff and where he puts things, it's draining just to watch. They've been married 25 years and she's probably gotten worse not better. He's never going to change so it's up to you if you can live like it for the rest of your life

[AndwhenyougetthereFoffsomemore]

For context OP: I WFH, dh works full time out of home with a long commute. If I do anything during the day, he would always makes a point to thank me as he sees it as extra work that I've done: even as simple as put a wash on, cook tea, tidy the front room etc We have a cleaner once a week, and tbh our cleanliness level duringthe week isn't amazing (two teens, I am not naturally house proud) - dh is a naturally neater person than me, so does more tidying, I do more cleaning as that more my priority. I suspect we're at the messier end of normal, but I do think your dh's behaviour is extreme, to the point of a MH/control issue. Is he controlled/controlling in other areas of life? Would a cleaner help? I sort of suspect not tbh ....

[Heartofglass12345]

Just to add as well, my mum will not leave the house until she has cleaned and tidied up, is he the same?

[Nanalisa60]

I think he has OCD , Now I have a touch of OCD but I don’t expect my dh to clean as I do, because I know it’s unrealistic. I don’t think you sound very happy, you need to talk to him and explain that you have no intension of keeping up to his unrealistic standards, so if he wants to keep the house that spotless then he will have to feel free to fill his boots and clean as much as he wants, but you are not speeding all your free time cleaning. But do you really have to think do you really want to spend to rest of your life feeling uncomfortable in your own home.
You are not a lazy girl he is just a overpowering OCD freak!!

[BlueThistles]

Sounds like a living hell OP.. and his poor daughter good lord .. so wrong 🌺

[Meuniere]

I don’t do half of what you do cleaning wise. Never have and my house is ok.

If that level of cleaning is what he needs, then he needs to take over and do it. He can’t expect you to spend 3 hours everyday to do a deep clean or whatever and jut walk the pots. And all the while be critical fo what you are doing.

[Iamthedevilinthedetail]

He's an ass. You do tons of cleaning. It's a way of controlling you and destroying your self esteem so you'll cling harder. Leave him.

[emmetgirl]

That sounds exhausting. Get rid.

[combatbarbie]

Sounds a bit like what my husband used to be like. I can't recall how many times Id say "it's our home, not a show house" he's not as bad now but still sometimes huffs and puffs around..... I now just get comfy on the sofa and watch TV.


Its almost as if, if he doesn't physically see me hoovering, dusting etc then it's clearly not been done. Like I said, I just ignore it now and when he leaves empty tins and wrappers overnight I purposely leave them.....

[CuppaZa]

@DontBendYourAccrylicNail I’m related to someone who has spent 50 years with a man exactly like this. She’s a quivering wreck. Please get rid

[BitOfFun]

It's not a question of him doing it himself though- it sounds like the poor OP is doing so much because she is trying to avoid the unbearable angry huffing and puffing of him cleaning around her, implying with every swish of a cloth that she is some kind of domestic slattern unfit for the coveted role of Girlfriend.

This is abusive and controlling behaviour, and it's a bloody MISERABLE way to live. @DontBendYourAccrylicNail, there's a book I see recommended here a lot on the Relationship section which might be an eye-opener- something about Angry and Controlling Men. I think it's available on PDF, I'll look for a link.

What is your set-up- renting, buying together..? It really sounds to me that you need to get away from this guy before he crushes you.

[Aerial2020]

How come he's the boss and you're listening to him??

[BitOfFun]

Here you go- I hope it helps

[ithinkiveseenthisfilmbefore]

Life is too short. I wouldn't spend mine living that way.

Tell him he sorts out the excessive cleaning if he can't live with 'normal' neatness and cleanliness (and gets assessed for OCD), or you're out of there.

[HollowTalk]

Come on, OP, you don't need to live with this man. You've tried it and it's horrible, so you should chuck the towel in (preferably on the kitchen floor) and tell him it's over. He won't get better. Your relationship will get worse and worse until one day you'll find yourself going crazy. As you say, your home should be somewhere that you can relax. Your boyfriend should be someone you can get along with. Neither of those are the case with him.

[DontBendYourAccrylicNail]

We've had a huge argument and I'm sobbing.

I can't do this anymore.

[Smallsteps88]

@Aerial2020

How come he's the boss and you're listening to him??

Yeah. This.

Why are you bowing to his demands? He strops if you don’t? So? Let him strop.

[OoohTheStatsDontLie]

Hope you're ok OP

It sounds like you both have different standards when it comes to housekeeping. Yours are high and his are off the scale. I'd say in a healthy relationship youd both be sitting down to work out a middle ground and find a compromise about what works for both of you. Housekeeping or any aspect of a relationship shouldn't be one person deciding what's going to happen then moaning at the other til they fall in line

[Smallsteps88]

I can't do this anymore.

You don’t have to. You can walk away any time you want.

[ladymalfoy45]

Come over to mine. I’ll make a chocolate fondue and you can drip it on the floor.

[LimitIsUp]

I could not live like this!

[OnceUponAMidnightBeery]

@DontBendYourAccrylicNail

We've had a huge argument and I'm sobbing.

I can't do this anymore.

Of course you can’t, honestly no one could. And you don’t have to.

So many wise posters on here can help and advise you, please listen to what they say. This is not normal, not acceptable, and definitely not your fault in any way

[LimitIsUp]

Bless you, just read about the argument

[EinsteinaGogo]

Can you have a think about what makes you happy in this relationship, OP?

are there lots of things that make it worthwhile for you?

[copperoliver]

He's obviously got OCDs x