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Original poster

Large age gap of 19 years. I'm an idiot.

470 replies

Homer101 · 01/10/2020 16:51

Hi ,
I'm a dad to two 12 year old girls. Separated for 18 months from their mum. I turned 40 this year. I've been stupid I think. Iv started to fall for a 21 year old women at work. She has a 2 year old and shes also signal . She also has feelings for . Iv have tried to put her off a couple of times. I've tried to put all feelings to the back of my brain a few times too. We haven't done anything physically. We have met for coffees outside of work and talk every day outside of work.
I didn't think thered be anything in it. Didn't think there would be amy future in it. I didn't think she'd even be interested in me like that when we first started talking and becoming mates.
I'm an idiot for falling for her ,for thinking there could be any future in it

OP posts:
EternalOptimist7 · 01/10/2020 16:54

You’re not an idiot OP. Age doesn’t always matter. It sounds like you have a connection. Take it slowly & see what happens. Good luck!

Alongcameacat · 01/10/2020 16:57

A 19 year old gap isn’t the end of the world but at 21 she is too young and you have two kids too near her age to
string this along.

If this happened in fifteen years time. it might work.

seensome · 01/10/2020 16:58

She is a mother so likely to be more mature than other young women of her age. Maybe flirt a bit see how it goes.

Welshywitch · 01/10/2020 17:00

I was 17 when I met my husband who was 19 years older than me, we were married 43 years when he died. It can and it does work , what have you got to lose ?

Blulorry · 01/10/2020 17:02

She’s too young for you OP. It happens though I would try to let it go. At 21 you are at totally different life stages... things don’t always go to plan but 21 is far too young.

SodaPerson · 01/10/2020 17:02

Maybe she is the one...what have you got to lose?

ravenmum · 01/10/2020 17:04

The work thing could be a bit of a problem if you are e.g. her boss?

RantyAnty · 01/10/2020 17:05

She's far too young.
Give you head a wobble and stop this nonsense and find someone closer to your own age.

peach1234 · 01/10/2020 17:07

There's 19 years between my parents and they've been married 35 years this year x

BigFart · 01/10/2020 17:08

Hmm leave her alone. Don’t lumber her with being a potential stepmum to two preteens!! She’s 21 fgs!

Bloody men 🙄

User166777 · 01/10/2020 17:08

Personally I think this age gap is too big , particularly with the fact she's only nine years older than your daughters. At the end of the day it's not up to anyone else though. It is going to be a factor in your relationship moving forwards though , so I would progress slowly.

Just checking though that you are not her superior in work? You don't hold any power or control over her working life? If you do then you absolutely need to shut this down immediately.

FippertyGibbett · 01/10/2020 17:11

We have a ten year age gap which was fine at first but now we’re older the gap is showing. I wouldn’t do it again.

Opentooffers · 01/10/2020 17:13

I think be cautious with this, if she has a 2year old, her last relationship might have been over fairly recently, you've had some time to process the end of yours. As time goes on, she's more likely to change, so, if you are ok living in the here and now, then it might be worth a punt, but bear in mind that this may not end up a long term thing. Is work a consideration too, would it be awkward if things go tits up?

Original poster
Homer101 · 01/10/2020 17:13

@ravenmum

The work thing could be a bit of a problem if you are e.g. her boss?
I not her boss. I dont actually work with her. She works days and I only work nights.
OP posts:
Whatwouldscullydo · 01/10/2020 17:13

What big said.

Maybe if you were 70 and 89.

At 21 I was in a relationship with a 36 yr old. Still felt I was having to look after him and sort his shit out before I was even mature enough to deal with my own.

Never again.

Men don't mature they just get more pervy and blatant with it ime.

Certainly the ones who go after the younger women anyway

pictish · 01/10/2020 17:14

My honest opinion? She’s too young for you. Think back to how you were at 21. A different fish from today I’ll bet. The same will be true of her in twenty years.
There can’t be such a wide gap without a power imbalance. It is simply human nature to become wiser and more experienced as you mature. However you approach it it, her comparable naivety will create a distinction between you. It’s not a level playing field and I don’t think it’s a dynamic that belongs in a romantic relationship.

In other news, she may well outgrow you and leave anyway.

Stick to women your own age.

MMmomDD · 01/10/2020 17:18

OP - you are not an idiot. Maybe a bit of a chiche falling for a woman half your age, who could be your daughter.
Of course she can find you attractive - really young women often go for much older men at some point of their lives. Older men appear more refined, more confident, know what to say, and are financially more established.
For her sake - I hope she only sees this as a fling and is flattered by attention.
Would you want your daughters to end up with someone they’ll have barely anything in common? Who they’d need to be a caregiver to in all likelihood....

Age aside - how smart is it to have a relationship with anyone you work with??? And in this day and age. I only hope you are not in the position of authority over her, or you could be seriously endangering your career.

Finally - I’ll say this. I was that girl. I flirted and had relationships with much older men at her age. It was fun. Now I am around your age and men of 60 do not look sexy to me at all. And I have no desire to be with one.

So - whatever you are doing now, and whatever she may be saying at some point -age is just a number; love conquers all, etc) - one of you needs to think about the long term. And she isn’t likely to. She was a teenager only two years ago.

Have your fun and get it out of your system. Then come back to Earth.

pictish · 01/10/2020 17:18

@BigFart

Hmm leave her alone. Don’t lumber her with being a potential stepmum to two preteens!! She’s 21 fgs!

Bloody men 🙄

Or rather than my polite waffle...this! Put her down Daddy-o.
Alongcameacat · 01/10/2020 17:19

Just to add I would be extremely concerned if I had a 21 year old daughter dating A) a forty year old year old B) a forty year old single dad with preteens.

Original poster
Homer101 · 01/10/2020 17:21

@seensome

She is a mother so likely to be more mature than other young women of her age. Maybe flirt a bit see how it goes.
She is more nurture than some of her age. Flirting isn't a problem we both do it. I tried to do what I thought was the right thing and I backed off . Didn't really work as she just kept asking what was wrong . I think tried to talk to her properly about it. I think my hope was shed agree with what i said and we would both back off. Didn't go to plan. She didn't agree with what i said. She thought it was fine and we should carry on the way we were as we both got along and we both enjoy each others company. Maybe shes more mature than me in some ways. She doesn't see a problem. She thinks we carry on as we are and take things slow. I do tend to worry about stuff. In have definitely worried about this age gap! But I really do enjoy her company, I'm never stressed or worried about this when I'm with her. I'm completely lossed over what's best to do
OP posts:
TheDogsMother · 01/10/2020 17:22

What whatwouldscullydo said. I also had a relationship from a couple of years from age 19 with a 36 year old. We lived together and his oldest child was only three years younger than me. It was horrendous to find myself stuck with a pair of moody teens who were always having one drama or another. There were always issues, problems with the exW and was just drudgery. I was far too young for all that.

Original poster
Homer101 · 01/10/2020 17:22

@Welshywitch

I was 17 when I met my husband who was 19 years older than me, we were married 43 years when he died. It can and it does work , what have you got to lose ?
I'm so sorry for your loss x
OP posts:
BigFart · 01/10/2020 17:23

Would you be happy with one of your daughters dating a 40 year old in 9 years time?

Lalaloveyou2020 · 01/10/2020 17:23

There's a big difference between a 21 year old with a child and one without, you never know, it might work out!

SheilaWilcox · 01/10/2020 17:24

If you're both single and no-one is going to get hurt, there's no reason why you can't have some fun, but longterm I don't think this will go anywhere. As long as you're both honest about things, not sure it has to.