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Original poster

Large age gap of 19 years. I'm an idiot.

470 replies

Homer101 · 01/10/2020 16:51

Hi ,
I'm a dad to two 12 year old girls. Separated for 18 months from their mum. I turned 40 this year. I've been stupid I think. Iv started to fall for a 21 year old women at work. She has a 2 year old and shes also signal . She also has feelings for . Iv have tried to put her off a couple of times. I've tried to put all feelings to the back of my brain a few times too. We haven't done anything physically. We have met for coffees outside of work and talk every day outside of work.
I didn't think thered be anything in it. Didn't think there would be amy future in it. I didn't think she'd even be interested in me like that when we first started talking and becoming mates.
I'm an idiot for falling for her ,for thinking there could be any future in it

OP posts:
Coffeeandbeans · 01/10/2020 18:17

If she was 30 and you were 50 it would probably be ok. Although being 55 myself I can’t see what a 30 year old would see in a 50 year old. At the moment she is only 9 years older than your daughters - that will be really awkward as they get older and think ehh

XRockinrobynx · 01/10/2020 18:19

Just he happy. If you want her and she wants you too then go for it. You don't have a crystal ball. Relationships fail and work out due to many things. Not just age. It can work. You are not an idiot.

I'm 31 and I notice men older now rather than younger. Young lads can be abit immature. Older men perhaps appreciate more.

Clymene · 01/10/2020 18:19

@MyCatHatesEverybody

Funny how men rarely feel these soulful connections to women 19 years older than them (not saying it never happens - just not very often in comparison).
Weird isn't it? I wonder what that's about?
sadie9 · 01/10/2020 18:21

This young woman may be seeking a father figure. That means when she looks at you she sees protection and security and the provision of a secure home for herself and her daughter.
I'm thinking of your daughters mainly. They just had their lives turned upside down only 18 months ago.
How do you think your girls will take to you bringing another young lady into their lives.
A 21yr old with a 2yr old toddler is a lot of competition for your attention.
You've only separated 18 months. Your kids are barely even getting through that yet. If they are changing schools or anything like that coming up next year I wouldn't introduce anything else into the mix.

bcccc · 01/10/2020 18:23

@sadie9

This young woman may be seeking a father figure. That means when she looks at you she sees protection and security and the provision of a secure home for herself and her daughter. I'm thinking of your daughters mainly. They just had their lives turned upside down only 18 months ago. How do you think your girls will take to you bringing another young lady into their lives. A 21yr old with a 2yr old toddler is a lot of competition for your attention. You've only separated 18 months. Your kids are barely even getting through that yet. If they are changing schools or anything like that coming up next year I wouldn't introduce anything else into the mix.
I agree
Coffeeandbeans · 01/10/2020 18:23

Also do you really want to be around a 2 year old again? Your daughters are at a lovely age, can let them go in the holiday pool on their own, walk to school and even leave them in the house for a couple of hours whilst you nip out. Get involved with someone that has a two year old and your holidays will be different, starting school all again, baby sitters etc etc

butterpuffed · 01/10/2020 18:23

I'd be surprised if it goes the distance as the age gap may seem even wider as you both become older but my God , the nasty comments and assumptions in here are uncalled for.

Whatwouldscullydo · 01/10/2020 18:23

Not laughing at you at all. Quite the opposite in fact.

Most of us have been the woman in this situation. At 21 id have been all "aw look at Catherine zeta Jones" too.

But the reality is always far different

I'm happy to be corrected by others here but honestly , they all have exemplary track records and aren't into flings and one night stands. They all have "psycho" ex wives or wives that don't understavd them or wives who are serial cheats. They all just wanna see the kids more. They all dont want to pressure you in to doing anything ajd they all just say " its complicated/ or we are in the middle of" the divorce. Often they are still married or living together cos its so " complicated"

You may well be genuine. But you tick may of the cliché boxes we were all were warned about by our friends back then. And no we didnt listen.

Honestly if you are genuine and you do care about her. Just don't.

MrsVeryTired · 01/10/2020 18:25

Don't do it. When she's 40 you will be about 60, and like an old man to her. DP and I have an age gap of 10 years and it was fine when I was 30 and he was 40, as we age it seems to be getting bigger, nearly 50 is very different to nearly 60.

rebeccachoc · 01/10/2020 18:25

I've only posted on here once before but couldn't not say something. I got with my partner when I was 16 and he was 19 years older. He tried to say no it won't work etc and now 21 years later I like to remind him regularly how I was right and he was wrong even though I was apparently a child that didn't know what I was doing. And we've been through more tough stuff than anyone else we know put together, but still made it work. Sometimes it's just meant to be.

My only concern is how your daughters would feel but you know them best to decide if they would mind.

Good luck.

WellThisWentWell · 01/10/2020 18:26

* Most of us have been the woman in this situation.*

Please not all of us have been that much of an idiots.
Don’t drag down the rest of us to you level.

ByGrabtharsHammerWhatASavings · 01/10/2020 18:27

Funny how men rarely seem to develop these special "age is just a number" connections with women 19 years their senior, isn't it? 🙄

GrimSisters · 01/10/2020 18:29

Half your age plus seven OP. That determines the 'creepiness' factor and is, apparently the best indicator. At 40, anyone younger than 27 would be 'ewwww' and I'd have to agree. I'm the same age as you and I feel almost maternal towards the 21 year old lad who has the misfortune to be my PT instructor.
Please don't be that creepy old man.

PineappleUpsideDownCake · 01/10/2020 18:30

If you genuinely care about her - don't do it.

let her have her 20/30s without being lumbered with an older man and children a few years younger than herself to look after.

If you care about your children, don't date a 21 year old.

Of course if you're just thinking with your pants...

MrsVeryTired · 01/10/2020 18:32

Her parents are probably about your age.

Blulorry · 01/10/2020 18:34

@rebeccachoc

I've only posted on here once before but couldn't not say something. I got with my partner when I was 16 and he was 19 years older. He tried to say no it won't work etc and now 21 years later I like to remind him regularly how I was right and he was wrong even though I was apparently a child that didn't know what I was doing. And we've been through more tough stuff than anyone else we know put together, but still made it work. Sometimes it's just meant to be.

My only concern is how your daughters would feel but you know them best to decide if they would mind.

Good luck.

Was there never a stage where you got bored due to the age difference? Had your husband already done certain things that maybe you still wanted to do? You are lucky it all worked well for you both.
Sandii · 01/10/2020 18:35

It really depends on her . Some young women crave security and some get crushes on older men . You won’t really know till you try, so keep your head about you and maybe take it to a dating level. I wouldn’t even think about making a big blended family for a couple of years. She is a bit young to deal with the hormones of teenage girls 🤪🤪 ....but just be open and honest and don’t despair if she changes her mind .

Greysparkles · 01/10/2020 18:36

I’d say she’s still a child and you are being unwise at best

Come on now. 21 is not a child Hmm

Honestly OP, what have you got to lose? Give it a go

MintyMabel · 01/10/2020 18:37

She works days and I only work nights.

Sounds like more of a problem than an age gap of 19 years.

filka · 01/10/2020 18:39

My wife and I have a 17 year age gap, I am older. We met when I was 37, married when I was 42 and 18 years later are still happy together. So it can and does work if the feelings are right.

I guess that you both have children may make it a bit harder, but you need to gauge how the relationship feels, especially with your DCs

PinkSparklyPussyCat · 01/10/2020 18:42

@MrsVeryTired

Don't do it. When she's 40 you will be about 60, and like an old man to her. DP and I have an age gap of 10 years and it was fine when I was 30 and he was 40, as we age it seems to be getting bigger, nearly 50 is very different to nearly 60.
There's 20 years between DH and I and I definitely don't look at him as an old man.
SozBabes · 01/10/2020 18:44

Typical cliches middle aged gone with half his age and, marriage breaks down then off with the younger woman 😂

SoulofanAggron · 01/10/2020 18:46

I was in an age gap relationship, he is 14 years older and also has disabilities. I soon stopped finding him physically attractive. My 20s and 30s weren't like other people's.

I always liked older guys and there were 2 I really liked but didn't end up with. If I'd got with one I'dve been a widow at 40. Another died quite young bless him, and I would've been a widow at 30!

Plus the sex can end up being not all that good as eventually they get erectile dysfunction to an extent I probably wouldn'tve had to put up with from my peers as soon. I missed out on some good sex.

Don't do it- save her from herself, and you're probably saving yourself from heartbreak when she has enough of you.

Unsure33 · 01/10/2020 18:46

I dated a man of 40 when I was 19 . It was more a meeting of minds tbh and we did not sleep together . But he was very respectful. And aware of the age difference.

I would say perhaps take this very very slowly . Do old fashioned dating. Talk about all the potential problems .

And then see what happens. Out of the two of you I see the potential for you being hurt the most tbh.

Itisbetter · 01/10/2020 18:46

Come on now. 21 is not a child hmm
My eldest is 20 and I would say compared to a 40 year old she is very much still a child.