Large age gap of 19 years. I'm an idiot.

[Homer101]

Hi ,
I'm a dad to two 12 year old girls. Separated for 18 months from their mum. I turned 40 this year. I've been stupid I think. Iv started to fall for a 21 year old women at work. She has a 2 year old and shes also signal . She also has feelings for . Iv have tried to put her off a couple of times. I've tried to put all feelings to the back of my brain a few times too. We haven't done anything physically. We have met for coffees outside of work and talk every day outside of work.
I didn't think thered be anything in it. Didn't think there would be amy future in it. I didn't think she'd even be interested in me like that when we first started talking and becoming mates.
I'm an idiot for falling for her ,for thinking there could be any future in it

@WhitePhantom

Jesus it's not necessarily gross! It can be, but it can be fine too! There were 24 years between mil and fil and they had a long happy marriage (got together aged 19 and 43). There's 19 years between my uncle and his dw (got together aged 42 and 23) and they're very happy together. It doesn't usually work out, true, but it can.

It can...My mum died and dad remarried a woman 12 years younger. {35 and 23 They lived a very contented life ..He died though...but Stepmum said ''Your dad was a good man...not many about''.

Hmm, one relative has a slightly smaller age gap, starting at 26/39, and they're still together at 61/74. Another had a similar gap to this one, at 22/40, - that was a mistake, I think - they kept it going till their DC left home. I think 21 might be too young though – whereas 26 is probably old enough to be certain. Unless you're both just in it for the short-term, in which case crack on –but don't involve the kids. Think you need to have proper conversations though, not just guessing.

My daughters have never ever been allowed to get away with any disrespectful behaviour towards people older , younger or their own age. They are both very kind towards others and always involve anyone sat on their own at school or clubs.

How they somtimes treat each other is a very different matter. But yes I can see how in another 5 years time they may well think it's a bit gross .

I think it maybe sets a bad example for your daughters. You might not be a pervy old man but a lot of 40 year olds dating women half their age... are. And I wouldn't want to risk normalising this for my daughters.

Also, 21 is really young as pps have said.
Avoid it op. Think with your big head, not your little one.

I was 22 when I started going out with now DH who was 43. His sons are very close to my age, although I don't know how I would have coped if they had been pre teens! We've been together 23 years and married for 8.

If you were both single and both childless, I'd say don't because it won't work. The age gap is too big. It might work for a while but at 21 you have a lot of maturing to do.

If you do wish to see where it goes, bear in mind that you have 2 children who will soon be teenagers, and my guess is that they will think yuk!
Their mother probably will too.

There is also a 2 yr old to consider. Is the 21-year old possibly looking for a father figure? Are you in the mid-life crisis territory?

I would say, yes if you can both treat it as no more than a fling , but really, it is probably best to leave it as an unscratched itch.

@Homer101

My daughters have never ever been allowed to get away with any disrespectful behaviour towards people older , younger or their own age. They are both very kind towards others and always involve anyone sat on their own at school or clubs.

How they somtimes treat each other is a very different matter. But yes I can see how in another 5 years time they may well think it's a bit gross .

Most parents say that about their 12 year olds, they are so kind. Have a wander over to the teens board to see what you are possibly in for. also on MN the other day the 13 year old daughter who decided she didn't like her Mum's boyfriend of many years and the advice always is to put the child first above any relationship, which in this case put a halt on a new job for her Mum and moving to where the boyfriend lives.

It isn't the age gap, it is the age gap of a mere 9 years between your children's age and hers. As your DDs get older this may be a massive issue for them. It would be for me.

Just because you have feelings for someone does not mean they should be acted upon.

Reverse this, you are 40, could you date a 59 year old woman?

Bless you, you've done nothing wrong. Be friendly with this girl and don't encourage her to think there is more to it.

There are other women, in their mid to late thirties for example, who would be more suitable if you are thinking of settling down again.

I'm sorry your marriage broke up; it's still quite recent so beware of falling for someone on the rebound.

Whatever you do - be careful!

Two things stand out, the first being that she sounds vulnerable, she is only 21 and so young, and she finds herself pregnant at 18 and instead of going out and having fun, she finds herself fast tracked into motherhood and adulthood. She has probably lost her friends, and on some levels she must be finding this very very hard.

Along comes you, a man that likes her, is older - she has nothing to lose she feels she may as well, as after all she is living a middle aged life already in some ways. But her youth has been lost, the time she should be partying, having fun and finding out who she is - it is all been eclipsed by an early pregnancy and now potentially an old man. And make no mistake you are old when you compare your ages.

I think it would be very unkind to take advantage of her in this way. I do think you will be heavily judged for it by everyone around you, and for as long as you are together you will be the seen as a sleaze.

Your soon to be teen dds will be mortified, and your ex will think you are having a mid life crisis.

Allow this young girl to find happiness and fun with someone who can really offer her a proper life, you are at best - have another ten years before the aches and pains and tiredness kicks in.

You should tell you think she is amazing, and she deserves someone that can give her the fun and excitement that she deserves, she doesn't need another Dad in her life.

The age gap is only one of at least 3 complicating factors- things which could make things harder. I’d advise slowing right down before there are strong emotions at play as well.
•she was a very young mother
•the age gap
•you both have dcs who might or might not get on, who you might want to parent differently.

I met my partner when I was about her age and he about your age. I'm much closer in age to his children than I am to him (I was a student at the time too!) and we are still together a few decades later. I'd say I've probably changed a bit more than he has over the years, getting older and wiser etc, but we still get on fine and everything ticking over as it should etc!

If you didn't have (almost-) teen daughters and were willing to go back to the baby stage again, I wouldn't rule this out from working. But throw your daughters into the mix and it has the potential to get very messy and difficult for everyone. Your daughters are at a critical stage of their growing up. How would they feel about their dad shagging someone not much older than them? It's all pretty grim in my view. Don't expect to get a sympathetic hearing from your ex and her side of the family.
Also be honest, what would your friends think if you took her along for a night out with them? Would they get on? Have things in common?

At 21 with a child and interested in a 40 yo, I’ll be blunt, she’s probably desperate. It’s tough being a young single mum and I wouldn’t blame blame her for seeing you as an easy way out of that life - but you need to focus on your daughters. For them it would be better if they didn’t have to field your seperation along with you dating a much younger woman. It’s just too many things for them to cope with at once.

There is a person’s chronological age and then there’s their emotional age. 21 can be mature and 41 stuck at a younger life stage (not suggesting you are for a moment, btw). However, in general, a 21-year-old is going to still be at a steep developmental stage in her life and it’s less whether a relationship with her might work ‘now’ (which it may well do) but whether it will last out the transitions she will go through in the coming years. I’m in a big age gap relationship and for a long time the gap wasn’t that noticeable. Now that we are in menopause in my case plus in his entering old age, it’s complex. But then, all relationships are complex. I think this is a ‘go for it but be realistic’ situation. Good luck!

@Whatwouldscullydo

Be honest. If she turned up tomorrow at your house and said let's do it what would you do.

Fo you really want a full on relationship with her complete witg dropping kids off to high school and attending parents evenings in your 50s or hosting sleepovers with teenage girls when you realky want take early retirement?

Have u remotely thought beyond today

The truth if she turned up here now and say let's do it, I'd say no. I wouldn't do it. That's the truth. I haven't even had a one night stand. They dont interest me. And yes I have been laughed at because of that so your all welcome to do the same. My ex wife is two years younger than me. So it's also ot like I go out only chashing young women like another poster hinted at.

And you’re not an idiot. You may be feeling differently right now but that doesn’t make you an idiot. Be kind to yourself. You’ve not done anything wrong.

Ok - I understand you are attracted to her - who wouldn’t be - she is 21. And it must be quite ego stroking to have her be attracted to you.
However - I always chuckle a bit when men in their 40s and 50s go for really young women and talk about how they have so much in common.
A 40yo man with the same interests as a 21yo is an interesting creature, no doubt.
However - you seem to be at the same kind of job - her at 21 and you at 40, which also says something.

Of course she tells you not to worry and let’s go for it. She is barely and adult and all of this is fun and exciting. She has no idea how life works over long term, beyond emotions. You do - you are 20years ahead of her.

So - speaking practically - what sort of relationship can you really offer her? Blended family with a 2yo and two teenage twins? How would this affect your girls???
Can you afford more children - and a 21yo would want to have a few more, no doubt.
Do you want to spend your 40-50s raising her child and having more babies?
As appealing and hot sex with a woman half your age is - are you prepared for what it actually means for your life?.

I wouldnt be happy if my DD came home with a 40yr old divorcee with two 12yr old DC. I would be trying to understand the attraction, not sure what you gain from dating a vulnerable 21yr old single mother.....It just leaves me feeling very uncomfortable. Like a creepy older tutor preying on his students.

Just to add i have two friends who date woman alot younger than them, one was 26 when she got with her now DH who was 46. However she was a mature woman, worked hard and took no nonsense. They are both happy with two kids, i get on really well with her and I am ages with her DH, my other DH friend is 50 now and has had his 1st DC with a 32 yr old, she however is quiet, vulnerable, not confident and I feel sorry for her as he is a bully as is mother and she looks sad when I see her.

Maybe shes more mature than me in some ways.

Ew!!

Don’t be that creepy, sad dude!

You know none of this is ”love”....

@MyCatHatesEverybody

Funny how men rarely feel these soulful connections to women 19 years older than them (not saying it never happens - just not very often in comparison).

And the woman is always so 'mature' for her age!

@CamelotSweetheart

If you didn't have (almost-) teen daughters and were willing to go back to the baby stage again, I wouldn't rule this out from working. But throw your daughters into the mix and it has the potential to get very messy and difficult for everyone. Your daughters are at a critical stage of their growing up. How would they feel about their dad shagging someone not much older than them? It's all pretty grim in my view. Don't expect to get a sympathetic hearing from your ex and her side of the family. Also be honest, what would your friends think if you took her along for a night out with them? Would they get on? Have things in common?

My ex sister in laws partner is 15 years older than her and they got together when she was 17. That was 18 years ago.

She goes to the gym about four times a week. So do quite a few of my friends. I dont so she would have that in common with them that I dont. I do go running so I'm not a complete slob. But I dont really do the gym thing. As for anything else no she wouldn't have that much in common as most of my friends are outdoor types. My ex wife dismt have anything in common with them at all. But non of their wife's were ever really interested in the outdoors. We have rules where we are not allowed to talk about nature, hunting,fishing, hikeing, bushcraft and wild camping when partners are around.

If you want to go for it just do it. But I would be weary that this whole situation is probably because you are on the rebound and she is looking for a father figure. And people will think it’s a bit yuck.

Yeah, that's grim

Funny how men rarely feel these soulful connections to women 19 years older than them (not saying it never happens - just not very often in comparison).*

Yep!