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Original poster

Large age gap of 19 years. I'm an idiot.

470 replies

Homer101 · 01/10/2020 16:51

Hi ,
I'm a dad to two 12 year old girls. Separated for 18 months from their mum. I turned 40 this year. I've been stupid I think. Iv started to fall for a 21 year old women at work. She has a 2 year old and shes also signal . She also has feelings for . Iv have tried to put her off a couple of times. I've tried to put all feelings to the back of my brain a few times too. We haven't done anything physically. We have met for coffees outside of work and talk every day outside of work.
I didn't think thered be anything in it. Didn't think there would be amy future in it. I didn't think she'd even be interested in me like that when we first started talking and becoming mates.
I'm an idiot for falling for her ,for thinking there could be any future in it

OP posts:
Someone1987 · 01/10/2020 19:38

I don't see any problem. Do whatever makes you both happy, it's not up to anyone else.

IcedPurple · 01/10/2020 19:38

Women on here will tell you not to date her because women on here want to be 21 and don't like men who are attracted to a younger women

Yes, we all wish we were barely out of school and had sad dads in their 40s lusting over us.

Men can be attracted to younger women all they like. The women won't usually fancy them, and will laugh at those delusional enough to think they might.

Branleuse · 01/10/2020 19:39

id avoid. Youll be at completely different life stages. Im sure shes lovely and pretty and youthful, but shes not far off a kid really. I think youd be taking advantage and its kinda sleazy.

JunkCrumpet · 01/10/2020 19:40

@WellThisWentWell

*Funny how men rarely feel these soulful connections to women 19 years older than them (not saying it never happens - just not very often in comparison).**

Yep!

Susan Sarandon is 31 years older than Jonathan Bricklin, Madonna is 29 years older than Jesus Luz, Sam Taylor-Johnson is 23 years older than Aaron Taylor-Johnson, J-Lo is 17 years older that Casper Smart, Demi Moore is 15 years older than Ashton Kutcher, Kourtney Kardashian is 14 years older than Younes Bedjima, Jada Pinkett Smith is 21 years older than August Alsina... I could go on.
CKBJ · 01/10/2020 19:42

Life is too short. Don’t look back in years to come and wonder “what if”. If you are both happy, know where you stand give it a go! Take things slowly and be open and honest.

IcedPurple · 01/10/2020 19:42

Susan Sarandon is 31 years older than Jonathan Bricklin, Madonna is 29 years older than Jesus Luz, Sam Taylor-Johnson is 23 years older than Aaron Taylor-Johnson, J-Lo is 17 years older that Casper Smart, Demi Moore is 15 years older than Ashton Kutcher, Kourtney Kardashian is 14 years older than Younes Bedjima, Jada Pinkett Smith is 21 years older than August Alsina... I could go on.

You could, but you'd be talking about celebrities, whose lives are far removed from those of the rest of us here. How many men come on to MN saying they've formed a deep soul-to-soul relationship with a woman 19 years their senior?

JunkCrumpet · 01/10/2020 19:42

@Branleuse

id avoid. Youll be at completely different life stages. Im sure shes lovely and pretty and youthful, but shes not far off a kid really. I think youd be taking advantage and its kinda sleazy.
In this country, there are 21 year olds who have been MPs, solicitors, soldiers etc. She has a child of her own. How patronising to say she's "not far off a kid". She's a grown woman with autonomy. Perhaps women would have equality by now if other women didn't keep telling other women that they're not capable of making their own life choices!
MikeUniformMike · 01/10/2020 19:43

I don't know about the others but Demi and Ashton split up years ago.

I don't think that comparing rich successful celebrities is really a guideline.

IcedPurple · 01/10/2020 19:44

@MikeUniformMike

I don't know about the others but Demi and Ashton split up years ago.

I don't think that comparing rich successful celebrities is really a guideline.

Now that I look at it I think most of those couples have long since split up! Maybe not such a great example.
Itisbetter · 01/10/2020 19:45

That’s ok @Greysparkles I find the idea of a 40 year man having a relationship with a 21 year old woman a bit offensive. We don’t have to agree.

AmICrazyorWhat2 · 01/10/2020 19:45

You’re both adults so if you want to pursue a relationship, fine. But, in your shoes I’d also consider how you”ll feel if one of your daughters starts seeing a 40-year-old when she was 21.

i know I wouldn’t be happy with the situation (while acknowledging that it was none of my business). I’d feel that my DD was too young for such a large age gap.

JunkCrumpet · 01/10/2020 19:45

@IcedPurple

Susan Sarandon is 31 years older than Jonathan Bricklin, Madonna is 29 years older than Jesus Luz, Sam Taylor-Johnson is 23 years older than Aaron Taylor-Johnson, J-Lo is 17 years older that Casper Smart, Demi Moore is 15 years older than Ashton Kutcher, Kourtney Kardashian is 14 years older than Younes Bedjima, Jada Pinkett Smith is 21 years older than August Alsina... I could go on.

You could, but you'd be talking about celebrities, whose lives are far removed from those of the rest of us here. How many men come on to MN saying they've formed a deep soul-to-soul relationship with a woman 19 years their senior?

This is the first time I've seen a man come on Mumsnet and say he's formed a connection with a woman 19 years his junior. The fact is that many men fall for women much older than them and also very similar ages to them. And yet, only one of those seems to piss you off - I wonder why? I understand that you don't think celebrities are people and don't think men can have genuine emotions but I'm not going to go door knocking in the cold to do a survey of people you consider "normal" enough to count to prove to you that you're wrong.
JunkCrumpet · 01/10/2020 19:46

@Itisbetter

That’s ok *@Greysparkles* I find the idea of a 40 year man having a relationship with a 21 year old woman a bit offensive. We don’t have to agree.
Hasn't the Pride movement demonstrated yet that you don't have a right to offended by the consensual relationships of other adults.
BigFart · 01/10/2020 19:47

@AmICrazyorWhat2

You’re both adults so if you want to pursue a relationship, fine. But, in your shoes I’d also consider how you”ll feel if one of your daughters starts seeing a 40-year-old when she was 21. i know I wouldn’t be happy with the situation (while acknowledging that it was none of my business). I’d feel that my DD was too young for such a large age gap.
I asked him that same question. He apparently decided to skip straight pass that post 🙄
JunkCrumpet · 01/10/2020 19:48

@MikeUniformMike

I don't know about the others but Demi and Ashton split up years ago.

I don't think that comparing rich successful celebrities is really a guideline.

So? It doesn't matter that they split up. @IcedPurple said men are never interested in older women, whether they split up or not is irrelevant - they got married - that's pretty damn interested from where I'm standing.
IcedPurple · 01/10/2020 19:48

I'm not going to go door knocking in the cold to do a survey of people you consider "normal" enough to count to prove to you that you're wrong.

Probably for the best, seeing as your hasty "this will show 'em!" Google search turned up a list of celebrity (ex)couples which is several years out of date. Research doesn't appear to be your thing.

Maskedcrusader · 01/10/2020 19:48

You are both adults & single , don't over think it just have some fun. It's very patronising of some posters to paint her as vulnerable & naive because she's 21.

BigFart · 01/10/2020 19:48

@JunkCrumpet are you the 21 year old by any chance? You seem to be getting very irate that people disagree with a 40 year old man lusting after a 21 year old 😬

JunkCrumpet · 01/10/2020 19:52

[quote BigFart]@JunkCrumpet are you the 21 year old by any chance? You seem to be getting very irate that people disagree with a 40 year old man lusting after a 21 year old 😬[/quote]
Obviously not. But truthfully, I do get irate by a bunch of women saying that other adult women are incapable of making decisions about their own lives. Comments on here about what her poor parents would think and that she's still a child wah wah wah. She is an ADULT. She is a MOTHER. This bigoted behaviour is why society is where it is. Who other people are dating/fucking/in love with is not something you're entitled to be offended by - it doesn't impact you. It's not your life. It's not your decision. At some point, middle aged women need to stop thinking young women are children and incapable - it's so far beyond disrespectful and sexist.

Lovespolly · 01/10/2020 19:53

This reminds me of the type of goings on that happened when I worked at B&M.

Older members of night staff trying it on with and having affairs with younger day staff.

IME it's a disaster waiting to happen, but then I am bias.

I was the 21 (23 actually) year old in this scenario. Big mistake. Drama.

JunkCrumpet · 01/10/2020 19:53

@IcedPurple

I'm not going to go door knocking in the cold to do a survey of people you consider "normal" enough to count to prove to you that you're wrong.

Probably for the best, seeing as your hasty "this will show 'em!" Google search turned up a list of celebrity (ex)couples which is several years out of date. Research doesn't appear to be your thing.

My list is spot on. Every single couple on that list demonstrates a couple that disproves your claim that men are never attracted to older women. Whether they broke up or not doesn't matter. I could provide a long list of couples who were the same age who broke up if you like? Seeing as you seem to think breaking up means they were never interested in each other.
Lovespolly · 01/10/2020 19:53

I don't mean affair in the sense of infidelity, he wasn't with anybody, but it was all "kept quiet"

Just a load of drama.

mallorytower · 01/10/2020 19:53

Go for it OP. One of my friends died age 26 from cancer. Just saying. Life is too short. Go for it. Tell her you like her and give it a shot.

cakemeupbeforeyougogo · 01/10/2020 19:54

'At some point, middle aged women need to stop thinking young women are children and incapable'

See, I was on your side till you rather, paradoxically, stereotyped 'middle aged women'.

LiveFromHome · 01/10/2020 19:55

women on here want to be 21 and don't like men who are attracted to a younger women

You're right, I long to be 21 again, those halcyon days of youth when creepy older men regularly used to letch over me, oh how I miss them.