Large age gap of 19 years. I'm an idiot.

[Homer101]

Hi ,
I'm a dad to two 12 year old girls. Separated for 18 months from their mum. I turned 40 this year. I've been stupid I think. Iv started to fall for a 21 year old women at work. She has a 2 year old and shes also signal . She also has feelings for . Iv have tried to put her off a couple of times. I've tried to put all feelings to the back of my brain a few times too. We haven't done anything physically. We have met for coffees outside of work and talk every day outside of work.
I didn't think thered be anything in it. Didn't think there would be amy future in it. I didn't think she'd even be interested in me like that when we first started talking and becoming mates.
I'm an idiot for falling for her ,for thinking there could be any future in it

I was 21 years older than my last DH. It was fantastic, right up until he decided that he wanted to go off and explore the world and I was tied by house and kids (not his) and responsibilities. He could shuck the whole lot off and start again - and he did.

It was heartbreaking. Up until then we'd been the perfect couple - the couple everyone wanted to be.

So go for it if you want, just be aware that it probably has a shelf life; do you want to have to deal with your DDs losing someone they've come to know well if she decides to go off and 'see the world' in a few years?

It would be different if she was 31 and you were 50. But 21 is really too young, and you could maybe have a think about why you're attracted to her. Obviously it could be a looks thing, but could it also be a power thing?

At 21 it might subconsciously feel like she's less likely to be jaded, to stand up for herself, to know what she wants from life, so therefore 'easier' for you to communicate with, possibly more fun to be around than someone who's had more experience of life, more baggage, who might be more likely to reject you?

But that's not fair on her, or on you either. I'd look for someone closer to your own age, who has a more equal experience of life and so you're coming to the relationship both with much more of an idea of what you're doing, so you can have a more balanced relationship with more in common.

If you like each other what is the problem?
You are both consenting adults.

@itisbetter

I find it a bit offensive that you're calling a 21 year old mother a child.
She is not a child
She's a grown woman, a young woman. But still a woman

I haven't read the whole thread but my parents were similar ages when they met and were married for 37 years, very lovingly.

(the marriage lasted till my dad died)

Awww cute, she can be like a big sister to your twin girls, you know, given that she's much closer in age to them than to you, and you're old enough to be her dad.

Your mates will pat you on your back.
Their wives and your female friends will think you are a sleazy creep having a mid life crisis.

No, she isn't a child but there is a massive difference in maturity and almost 20 years of life experience.

Those on the thread with large age gaps might've found happiness but it's hard not to find something a bit off about men in their late 30's and older who go for such young women. At 16 I thought I was mature as hell. At 42 I know better.

@MunaZaldrizoti

Sorry dude, I'm voting creepy as well. Think about your kids and how they will feel seeing their old man dad shagging someone who is nearer their age than his own age. That's creepy.

And I doubt there are 21 year olds who are mature enough to have a full and equal relationship with someone twice their age. They just aren't.

I'd worry about a 40 year old who claimed that a woman half his age was 'just as mature' as him. There'd have to be something seriously wrong with him for that to be true.

No. You’re not an idiot, but...let her get on with her life without your complications.

My ex husband is 24 years older than me. We didn't feel that gap for a long time and were married for 20 years. But then he retired... The gap widens as you get older in my experience, it's also heightened at the start of life. I was 26 when we got together.

Well my second wife was 21 and i was 40 was married for 21 years spilt for other reasons but it worked out very well. Sometimes the bin there dun that issue came up but overall it didn't really matter and it worked and well to!

Your both single so no one else it seems is involved.

According to the ONS the average uk marridge is 11.4 years FWTW

I have a 14 year age gap in my marriage. It's got way more pros than cons. On paper, I'm the younger one, the healthier one... non-smoker, non-drinker (DH doesn't drink or smoke but doesn't keep fit and carries weight), I cycle miles every day, eat my broccoli, get good sleep, walk my dog. What you'd never guess is that my 62-year-old husband has looked after me these past months as I've recovered from a huge heart attack which resulted in cardiac arrest. So... here we are. No heart disease. My artery tore and the rest is history. My point is, you don't know what life will bring. Maybe when she's 35, you'll be helping her get through metastatic cancer but probably not. But you don't know. Maybe at 70, you'll still be a sex machine. Maybe not. Who knows? All we have is the step we're actually taking into the day that greets us. We can't see ahead. Take each day as it comes and take things as you find them. Just do whatever you do with grace and respect for this young woman, for your ex-wife- the mother of your daughters, and for yourself. Try to let your spiritual side and emotional intelligence guide you, not the ego, and you'll be alright, whatever happens.
Maybe it will be the best life yet, a life shared together with this young woman. Maybe not. But all you can do is try. And once the feelings are there and the feelings are shared, it's hard not to move forward and take a chance. So go for it and good luck.

@Itisbetter

Come on now. 21 is not a child hmm My eldest is 20 and I would say compared to a 40 year old she is very much still a child.

Do you want her to have a divorced 40 year old boyfriend with twelve year old twins though?

I am a man. The title says it all to me.

You can still be sociable, but I think you should end any possibility of a relationship.

@WhitePhantom

Jesus it's not necessarily gross! It can be, but it can be fine too! There were 24 years between mil and fil and they had a long happy marriage (got together aged 19 and 43). There's 19 years between my uncle and his dw (got together aged 42 and 23) and they're very happy together. It doesn't usually work out, true, but it can.

Those relationships lasted. It doesn’t mean they necessarily were happy, equal and fulfilling to both parties.

My partner is 19 years my junior. However, he's late 30s. I'd worry if he was 21. Having said that, some

21 year olds can be very mature so it depends on the person.

You sound totally sleazy ... just find someone nearer your own age.

I have friends who married men 20+ years older than them, they all ended up being carers for old men ... yes I know that can happen in many relationships but such a big age gap it is far too much. It all looks glamorous and exciting now but being in you mid 50s looking after a nearly 80 year old is not much fun.

And your DDs would be mortified to have a SM just a few years older than themselves.

@BigFart

leave her alone. Don’t lumber her with being a potential stepmum to two preteens!! She’s 21 fgs!

Bloody men 🙄

She already has a child of her own! Would you tell a woman with children not to date because it's not fair to "lumber" people with step-parenthood. If she doesn't want to be a step-parent then that's her decision to make, not yours. I can't imagine why you'd think being a stepparent is so much more burdensome than being a parent?!

Portugese - very true point, people often say their marriages have lasted a long time as if it's some badge of honour...... doesn't mean they are necessarily happily.

This is between you and her (and obviously taking into consideration your children and their other parents to some degree). Women on here will tell you not to date her because women on here want to be 21 and don't like men who are attracted to a younger women. Youth is evil on Mumsnet, and so are men - shouldn't you have realised that by now? You're both adults, you're both parents and you're both able to make your own decisions. Unless her age is WHY you like her, age shouldn't be an issue here.

@JunkCrumpet she’s 21 with a 2 year old!! That’s massively different to becoming a stepmum to a couple of twelve year olds! Not quite sure why you’d need that explaining to you.

And I’d absolutely say the same thing to my son. I’d be devastated if they got into a relationship with a 40 year old at the age of 21 and became a step parent to preteens! Same goes for anyone without kids tbh, especially at such a young age.

Why do men of 40 never have special deep and meaningful connections with women of 60? Why is it always women who are young enough to be their daughters, not old enough to be their mums ?

Seems to work fine for quite a few people I know. One couple I visited through work had a huge age gap but the love between them was visible and heartwarming.