Large age gap of 19 years. I'm an idiot.

[Homer101]

Hi ,
I'm a dad to two 12 year old girls. Separated for 18 months from their mum. I turned 40 this year. I've been stupid I think. Iv started to fall for a 21 year old women at work. She has a 2 year old and shes also signal . She also has feelings for . Iv have tried to put her off a couple of times. I've tried to put all feelings to the back of my brain a few times too. We haven't done anything physically. We have met for coffees outside of work and talk every day outside of work.
I didn't think thered be anything in it. Didn't think there would be amy future in it. I didn't think she'd even be interested in me like that when we first started talking and becoming mates.
I'm an idiot for falling for her ,for thinking there could be any future in it

@MrsNotNice speaks wisely OP.

I think you started your thread in good faith, perhaps a bit to get it out in the open (ego boost) that you’ve attracted a young woman. You haven’t been treated with respect - including by me, my error in posting on the wrong thread, sorry again - which is par for the course to some extent here. And now you’ve lashed out in hurt and anger, and said some pretty ridiculous things.

So no-one is covered in glory.

But I hope the lesson you take away is not to treat women like shit. That makes no sense, aside from being just plain wrong. Maybe the lesson is to continue to treat everyone with respect as individuals, including this young woman, to trust your own judgement in relation to her, to trust her thoughts about her own future, and not to ask opinions in a forum where people don’t hold back unless you are ready to hear uncomfortable ones.

@BigFart

leave her alone. Don’t lumber her with being a potential stepmum to two preteens!! She’s 21 fgs!

Bloody men 🙄

Doesn't she get a say in her future?

I think the OP started this thread "Gosh I'm an idiot... I'm so thick...I'm trying not to encourage her etc" expecting to get reassurance and when he, for the most part, didn't, is now showing his true colours.

You came on here (ostensibly) seeking advice, OP. You can't complain about being treated "unfairly" when people respond to the post you chose to start. It's not like women are walking up to you in the street and calling you names, is it?

@differentnameforthis course she does. And if that’s what they both want then they should crack on.
But I would be sorely upset and disappointed if that’s the future my 21 year old chose.
Being so much older and supposedly wiser than a young woman, I don’t think he should be encouraging her.

[quote BigFart]@differentnameforthis course she does. And if that’s what they both want then they should crack on.
But I would be sorely upset and disappointed if that’s the future my 21 year old chose.
Being so much older and supposedly wiser than a young woman, I don’t think he should be encouraging her.[/quote]
That's the point I didn't encourage it. Right from the start I said that I spoke to her about it. And backed off. At no point point have I said I'm chasing her . I realised it was problem and spoke to her and tried to back off.
Yet all people read was 40 year old man 21 year old women and feelings had started to become involved. Everyone else filled in the the blanks , they mind read me, her and my kids and ex wife.

Dose she get a say in what her future should look like , yes she should. But no I didn't give her one. Because I didn't think it was a good idea. So yes I'm to blame for not giving her a say in it. Typical bloke probably.

Some support would have been nice . Like you have done the right thing.
But no nobody thought I'd done the right thing.
People just thought I was a sex pest .
My kids have two parents that love and support them very much . I'm not looking and I dont think my ex would allow, someone else to play mum.

But I'm nothing but an entitled bloke who wants to shag women and then dump their kids on them.
I was my daughters main carer for three years while my ex focused on her career. To give us as a family a life , so I dont think my kids would stand for only seeing me every other weekend anyway. Let alone me dumping them on a women who they dont know for that weekend. Also from. Where I sit now, those three years my wife spent focused on her career hasn't worked out to good for me.

I wasn't at the start or now looking to get into relationship with someone. I started to develop feelings for someone over time. They also did the same.

Yet it's all my fault. That's fine.
I'm done

You seem very down @Homer101

I still stand by all my comments, I don’t think it would be in her best interest to get involved with someone at such a different life stage.

I’m wondering if it’s her you’re actually interested in or are you wanting closeness with just anyone ?
Do you have many friends? Female friends? Or is this woman the only female company you’ve had since splitting from your ex wife?

And how do you know she has feelings for you? What has she actually said?

Some support would have been nice . Like you have done the right thing.
But no nobody thought I'd done the right thing.

Well, I don't think you've 'done the right thing' in regularly meeting a young woman - who you claim has 'feelings' for you (although I too wonder how exactly you know this?) - outside work. I think given the huge age difference you should stop having any contact with her outside of work, unless as part of a group.

You're basically confirming what I said above: You've come here for validation and 'support'. You asked a bunch of random strangers - mostly women - what they thought of this 'relationship' and now you seem to be getting upset that you didn't get the response you wanted.

Why keep coming back here? You've heard what people have to say. You're going to have to decide for yourself if you want to persue this relationship or not, but you can't just expect validation and be angry when you don't get it.

@IcedPurple

*Some support would have been nice . Like you have done the right thing. But no nobody thought I'd done the right thing.*

Well, I don't think you've 'done the right thing' in regularly meeting a young woman - who you claim has 'feelings' for you (although I too wonder how exactly you know this?) - outside work. I think given the huge age difference you should stop having any contact with her outside of work, unless as part of a group.

You're basically confirming what I said above: You've come here for validation and 'support'. You asked a bunch of random strangers - mostly women - what they thought of this 'relationship' and now you seem to be getting upset that you didn't get the response you wanted.

Why keep coming back here? You've heard what people have to say. You're going to have to decide for yourself if you want to persue this relationship or not, but you can't just expect validation and be angry when you don't get it.

The resonance I wanted was that I'd done the right thing. I wanted support. I really wanted that. Because I really do want what's best for her. I wasn't getting that response in real life. So I guess that's the response I was hoping to get. Insead I receive insults. Yeah I I gues I would have had a few. But they all are.

So no more. Therse no reason for anyone to post anything else .

The resonance I wanted was that I'd done the right thing. I wanted support. I really wanted that. Because I really do want what's best for her.

And if people say that regularly meeting up with a woman half your age who 'has feelings for you' isn't the right thing? And that what's best for her would be to encourage her to find a man closer to her own age? Then you get all butt hurt about it?

It's clear you intend to persue this relationship. No laws against it, so go ahead - I guess. Just don't go around asking for validation from strangers and then act like the victim when you don't get it.

@IcedPurple

The resonance I wanted was that I'd done the right thing. I wanted support. I really wanted that. Because I really do want what's best for her.

And if people say that regularly meeting up with a woman half your age who 'has feelings for you' isn't the right thing? And that what's best for her would be to encourage her to find a man closer to her own age? Then you get all butt hurt about it?

It's clear you intend to persue this relationship. No laws against it, so go ahead - I guess. Just don't go around asking for validation from strangers and then act like the victim when you don't get it.

That isn't the case

@Homer101 oh get your head out of your arse! Yes, you’ve had plenty of posts disagreeing with pursuing a relationship with a 21 year old... you’ve also had a lot of comments of encouragement and age gap success stories!
What exactly do you want people to say? You’ve had a massive mix of responses and you’re not happy with any of them.

This just reaffirms my opinion that you would not be a good fit for this young woman. Too much baggage. And you seem like hard work

OP we’re a bunch of random women on the Internet who all have a different take on things. Some posters have no issue with the age gap, some have no issue with the age gap but think now is not the time, others think the age gap is too much. We’re all entitled to say what we think. We’re not your mum, it’s not our job to be nice & supportive to you.

You clearly haven’t liked the response you’ve got & that’s ok. You don’t have to agree with what’s posted on here either or justify yourself to us

If the thread is upsetting you, then walk away from it. It’s not compulsory to post

Um, you’ve had lots of support from lots of ppl who have told you how their age gap relationship has worked out. And people defending you! Lots of them!

You asked our opinion, then get all shitty when people aren’t talking about what a hero you are for not shagging a 21 year old. Wow.

But I'm nothing but an entitled bloke who wants to shag women and then dump their kids on them.
If that's all you've chosen to hear from this thread, what a waste of time.

I don't think anyone who comes on here and states they are now going to be treating women like shit should get any support.

Disgusting some of these posts.

Absolutely disgusting.

@MrsNotNice

Homer101

OP, I know you didn’t mean what you said in your post about mistreating women.

You sound quite vulnerable yourself. And are being picked apart rather unfairly. Character assassinations and personal insults are what I dislike about seeking online advice and you are in a female dominant forum in an era where many of us have been subjected to many disappointments by men than we have our stranger danger alert 🚨 on. But Mumsnet is for the thick skinned m.

You might need to ask MNhQ to delete the message you wrote as it doesn’t help the thread to run objectively.

Look.. I think you are feeling vulnerable and asking for advice on Mumsnet night not be the best when you feel that way. I hope you have support in real life from females within your personal friendship or family circle who can advise you without treating you like a predator/stranger.

Thats my advice

Run objectively?

These are his thoughts.
He wrote that about women.
And people are defending that shit.

You're getting a hard time on here. I gave support and lots of others have so concentrate on that and ignore the others.

@nolovelost

You're getting a hard time on here. I gave support and lots of others have so concentrate on that and ignore the others.

Yes, always a good idea to only listen to what you want to hear.

I've reported this thread for the comments about women the OP has written .

I'm out and don't wish to read this anymore.

You are way too old for her. Find someone who's a similar age to you.

@Aerial2020

I've reported this thread for the comments about women the OP has written .

I'm out and don't wish to read this anymore.

So I get insulted and treated like shit when in fact I haven't even done anything with the young women in question and then get reported when I state I think I should start treating others the way I get treated .

and for posters to defend their comments because they had been treated bad my men in the past is just childish. Not all men are the same , some men get treated by women. But that's ok because men.

Let's hope mumsnet bans me
Double standards seem to be the norm here

So I get insulted and treated like shitwhen in fact I haven't even done anything with the young women in question and then get reported when I state I think I should start treating others the way I get treated

No, after people insulted you you didn't respond saying you would insult people too. That would be responding by doing the same thing as was done to you.

Instead of that, people insulted you and then you said you may as well treat women you date like shit then.

Maybe have a think about whether the world is against you or if in fact your response was a strange, misogynist and entitled one.

It was basically "Well if I don't get any extra credit for being a nice guy, I'll just start treating women like shit." Implying it's only worth being nice if you get extra credit for it. Surely you can see how problematic that is.

@newnameforthis123

So I get insulted and treated like shitwhen in fact I haven't even done anything with the young women in question and then get reported when I state I think I should start treating others the way I get treated

No, after people insulted you you didn't respond saying you would insult people too. That would be responding by doing the same thing as was done to you.

Instead of that, people insulted you and then you said you may as well treat women you date like shit then.

Maybe have a think about whether the world is against you or if in fact your response was a strange, misogynist and entitled one.

It was basically "Well if I don't get any extra credit for being a nice guy, I'll just start treating women like shit." Implying it's only worth being nice if you get extra credit for it. Surely you can see how problematic that is.

Or maybe I sick of being nice and treating people fairly and then getting treated like shit for it.

So I get insulted and treated like shit
when in fact I haven't even done anything with the young women in question and then get reported when I state I think I should start treating others the way I get treated