Large age gap of 19 years. I'm an idiot.

[Homer101]

Hi ,
I'm a dad to two 12 year old girls. Separated for 18 months from their mum. I turned 40 this year. I've been stupid I think. Iv started to fall for a 21 year old women at work. She has a 2 year old and shes also signal . She also has feelings for . Iv have tried to put her off a couple of times. I've tried to put all feelings to the back of my brain a few times too. We haven't done anything physically. We have met for coffees outside of work and talk every day outside of work.
I didn't think thered be anything in it. Didn't think there would be amy future in it. I didn't think she'd even be interested in me like that when we first started talking and becoming mates.
I'm an idiot for falling for her ,for thinking there could be any future in it

Funny how men rarely feel these soulful connections to women 19 years older than them (not saying it never happens - just not very often in comparison).

@User166777

Personally I think this age gap is too big , particularly with the fact she's only nine years older than your daughters. At the end of the day it's not up to anyone else though. It is going to be a factor in your relationship moving forwards though , so I would progress slowly.

Just checking though that you are not her superior in work? You don't hold any power or control over her working life? If you do then you absolutely need to shut this down immediately.

No I'm not over her at work. She only works days and I only work nights. I do work fulltime as she has a little one she o lay works part time so we do only mostly see each other outside work. Or as I'm leaving and shes just starting. I don't hold a more senior position at all.

I’d say she’s still a child and you are being unwise at best.

Age gap relationships, in general, can work for a while. However, I saw my auntie in her 50s caring for her husband in his late 70s until he died and left her a young widow. I'm of the opinion that not enough people look ahead to that part.

With regard to your situation though, she is too young for you. If she was 30 and you were 50 then it may be different but 21 is so young. I don't believe for a second that you genuinely have anything in common with a 21yo woman and it just comes across as sleazy.

No she'll end up your carer.. and you need someone at least 30. Just cut it off its gross.

Sounds a bit grim to me. Grim for your daughters too. My DH is 10 yrs older than me, I was 25 when we met, the age gap feels bigger now than it did then. Of course you enjoy her company and it must be flattering- but please let her be young and find someone right for her l. Ie : don’t be a creepy mid-life crisis stereotype!

@Opentooffers

I think be cautious with this, if she has a 2year old, her last relationship might have been over fairly recently, you've had some time to process the end of yours. As time goes on, she's more likely to change, so, if you are ok living in the here and now, then it might be worth a punt, but bear in mind that this may not end up a long term thing. Is work a consideration too, would it be awkward if things go tits up?

She split around the same sort of time as me. The baby was only a few months old. I didn't know her then. We hadn't even met. I only know a little and that's basically he put her though hell. Thank you for your post that's given me sothing ti think about that I hadn't thought about.

If she has a kid at 21 it doesnt show shes more mature, shes been forced to grow up through a bad decision and will be forced to live up to your middle agehood before her time. She sounds even more in need of someone close to her age. A guy of 24 or 26 with a child would be a better match.

@Itisbetter

I’d say she’s still a child and you are being unwise at best.

Yep

It is creepy and you have daughters as well. Gosh.

Jesus it's not necessarily gross! It can be, but it can be fine too! There were 24 years between mil and fil and they had a long happy marriage (got together aged 19 and 43). There's 19 years between my uncle and his dw (got together aged 42 and 23) and they're very happy together. It doesn't usually work out, true, but it can.

Try to think outside of your trousers for a while.

When your 80 and your health is failing.
She will be 60, and will become your carer
Not fair. Cut ties before she falls for you

Shes 21 years old, To young to get with a 40 year old with near teenage daughters!

Nope, no, nope!

@MyCatHatesEverybody

Funny how men rarely feel these soulful connections to women 19 years older than them (not saying it never happens - just not very often in comparison).

Your right it doesn't happen very often. But my dad best mate marrked a women 17 years older than him. She's in fact still alive. My dads best mate died from long cancer a few years ago now. No one ever thought she'd out live him. Of course that doesn't justify. My passion.

I think the issue isn’t so the age gap it’s the age she is.

That is a massive age gap, if you didn't have 12 yr old daughters {Twins?} it might be a bit more of a goer, but 12 yr old daughters will make mincemeat of a 21 yr old.

People will think you are her dad...

But then again, Multi millionaire Jimmy Page has a girlfriend half his age..

Also if I was one of your twelve year old daughters I would be absolutely fucking mortified tbh

There are 16 years between me and my partner with me being the older one. Our relationship is great, we have loads in common and get on like a house on fire.
Give it a go, it might work it might not.

Honestly, I really disagree with some of the responses on here. Yes, it’s a big age gap but I know of quite a few marriages with similar age gaps & people who are very much in love with one another. What if you could be happy with one another? All those posters saying don’t go there because of age alone.......it’s not an automatic recipe for disaster.

People age depending on how much they’ve learnt about themselves, not just because they’re another year older. She may be wiser than someone in their 40s or 50s.

@oakleaffy

That is a massive age gap, if you didn't have 12 yr old daughters {Twins?} it might be a bit more of a goer, but 12 yr old daughters will make mincemeat of a 21 yr old.

People will think you are her dad...

But then again, Multi millionaire Jimmy Page has a girlfriend half his age..

Make mincemeat of her

Yes
This

With bells on

@WhitePhantom

Jesus it's not necessarily gross! It can be, but it can be fine too! There were 24 years between mil and fil and they had a long happy marriage (got together aged 19 and 43). There's 19 years between my uncle and his dw (got together aged 42 and 23) and they're very happy together. It doesn't usually work out, true, but it can.

Thank you for your post. It's been a massive worry to me that that's all people would think that its sleazy, creepy , wrong all on my part. And it's really not like that. But yes I know that's what some people would always think. We haven't even done anything so its definitely not like that at the moment

Be honest. If she turned up tomorrow at your house and said let's do it what would you do.

Fo you really want a full on relationship with her complete witg dropping kids off to high school and attending parents evenings in your 50s or hosting sleepovers with teenage girls when you realky want take early retirement?

Have u remotely thought beyond today

I met the great love of my life when I was 24 and he was 43. Ultimately it didn’t work out, but she had nothing to do with it. Go for it!

Do you have any interests or hobbies in common? Do you enjoy each other’s company? Are you certain you just don’t want to have a young thing on your arm?

Nobody is saying you have to marry this young woman. Go out and see how you get on.

It's the 9 year age gap between her and your daughters that gives me the sleaze factor. Surely they'd both find it awkward.