Large age gap of 19 years. I'm an idiot.

[Homer101]

Hi ,
I'm a dad to two 12 year old girls. Separated for 18 months from their mum. I turned 40 this year. I've been stupid I think. Iv started to fall for a 21 year old women at work. She has a 2 year old and shes also signal . She also has feelings for . Iv have tried to put her off a couple of times. I've tried to put all feelings to the back of my brain a few times too. We haven't done anything physically. We have met for coffees outside of work and talk every day outside of work.
I didn't think thered be anything in it. Didn't think there would be amy future in it. I didn't think she'd even be interested in me like that when we first started talking and becoming mates.
I'm an idiot for falling for her ,for thinking there could be any future in it

You treat people nicely because its the decent thing to do not because you get a pat on the back for it.

Holding other people responsible for your behaviour is well I probably cant say what kind if tactic that is....

Why does it matter what we think anyway. Other than recognition for not heing a creep if you leave her alone ?

I find it chilling the way men like this are quick to drop the facade of being an even bare minimum decent adult. For pretty much all of us we women we treat men and women well notwithstanding the way we have been treated in the past. Yet the merest hint of not being pandered to for these men and the mask drops.

@MsTSwift

I find it chilling the way men like this are quick to drop the facade of being an even bare minimum decent adult. For pretty much all of us we women we treat men and women well notwithstanding the way we have been treated in the past. Yet the merest hint of not being pandered to for these men and the mask drops.

This.

No wonder he's attracted to women half his age. Less likely to see through him, no matter how 'mature' he insists she may be.

Has he told us yet just how he knows she has 'feelings' for him? Because in my experience, many men perceive simple friendliness or politeness as 'feelings', particularly where attractive young women are involved.

the nice guy mask slips

@IcedPurple that’s exactly what I was thinking, is he even sure she has ‘feelings? He hasn’t elaborated on what she’s said so it’s not wrong to wonder if he’s got completely the wrong end of the stick.

OP, you haven’t done yourself any favours here have you? Do you ever wonder if you’re a bit manipulative?

Anyway, you seem like a bit of a sulker.

Wow that nice guy article is chilling. And accurate.

Or maybe I sick of being nice and treating people fairly and then getting treated like shit for it.

And your logical retaliation is to treat women like shit if other women don't praise you for your behaviour? Again it's troubling you don't see how problematic that is...

I’m wondering if it’s her you’re actually interested in or are you wanting closeness with just anyone ?
In the kindest possible way OP, you do come across as a lonely person just like this poster has said.
You really should find more support around you in terms of friendships and family. This is not the time to find love. You need support and solid one at that.
Another word of caution: Mumsnet is a place where everyone is allowed to say things they would probably water down in real life. Overall, I found this a wonderful thing whenever I needed advice. It can be harsh and very straightforward and that is how it is supposed to be here. Complement it with support in real life and Mumsnet can b e godsend. So try and use the overall opinions of this thread as a guideline and take it from there. I am writing this as a poster whose very first thread on Mumsnet was deleted after hundreds of posters gave me invaluable but very straight advice there. After that, I didn’t really start to hate anyone. I simply went away, used that experience in my life and came out much stronger. From then on, Mumsnet has been a wonderful place for me whenever I needed a no-nonsense and quick feedback or advice.

@Totickleamockingbird

I’m wondering if it’s her you’re actually interested in or are you wanting closeness with just anyone ? In the kindest possible way OP, you do come across as a lonely person just like this poster has said. You really should find more support around you in terms of friendships and family. This is not the time to find love. You need support and solid one at that. Another word of caution: Mumsnet is a place where everyone is allowed to say things they would probably water down in real life. Overall, I found this a wonderful thing whenever I needed advice. It can be harsh and very straightforward and that is how it is supposed to be here. Complement it with support in real life and Mumsnet can b e godsend. So try and use the overall opinions of this thread as a guideline and take it from there. I am writing this as a poster whose very first thread on Mumsnet was deleted after hundreds of posters gave me invaluable but very straight advice there. After that, I didn’t really start to hate anyone. I simply went away, used that experience in my life and came out much stronger. From then on, Mumsnet has been a wonderful place for me whenever I needed a no-nonsense and quick feedback or advice.

I have found the non insulting posts like this one helpful. I'm grateful to the all posters who took the time to offer non judgemental posts.

So thank you to them.

God forbid we damage your ego.
Your misogynist views still gets some support from women.
When will women stop supporting this rubbish cos he's only a poor fragile man who doesn't want to hear any other view that's not his own.

@Totickleamockingbird

I’m wondering if it’s her you’re actually interested in or are you wanting closeness with just anyone ? In the kindest possible way OP, you do come across as a lonely person just like this poster has said. You really should find more support around you in terms of friendships and family. This is not the time to find love. You need support and solid one at that. Another word of caution: Mumsnet is a place where everyone is allowed to say things they would probably water down in real life. Overall, I found this a wonderful thing whenever I needed advice. It can be harsh and very straightforward and that is how it is supposed to be here. Complement it with support in real life and Mumsnet can b e godsend. So try and use the overall opinions of this thread as a guideline and take it from there. I am writing this as a poster whose very first thread on Mumsnet was deleted after hundreds of posters gave me invaluable but very straight advice there. After that, I didn’t really start to hate anyone. I simply went away, used that experience in my life and came out much stronger. From then on, Mumsnet has been a wonderful place for me whenever I needed a no-nonsense and quick feedback or advice.

Yeah, he doesn't mean it, he's just lonely.

All us meanies calling him out on his awful thoughts. Let him say what he likes, he's just misunderstood.

Christ sake

for posters to defend their comments because they had been treated bad by XXX in the past is just childish
But you doing it is OK and no-one should mention it?

Must be a windup, surely? If not, hope the young woman is on MN!
Hiding this thread now as he seems to be returning endlessly from this flounce and it just gets worse every time.

Have a nice day all.

You know, I think every single middle aged man in history who has chased after someone very young (including teens) has said 'but she's very mature for her age'! Forgive my scepticism, but it just makes my eyes roll.

If you wanted someone mature, then why didn't you fall for someone who IS actually mature.....like a woman your own age? I remember being that age and me and most women my own age had very dim views of men who fell for much younger women who were young enough to be their daughters.

In my experience, people who fall for someone significantly older than them have parental issues, and I wouldn't be surprised if she does too. On the other hand, maybe the fact that she had a baby so young scares off a lot of men her own age. She might seem mature to you, but most people's personalities don't settle until they are in their mid-twenties.

Also, if you don't find some of the posters on here to be hostile towards you, consider what the name of this website is - it's called Mumsnet, not Mansnet.

That means that most of the women who are posting are old enough to be the mothers of the women who you like. They might be quite protective of young women generally and would be very suspicious of any man who was 19 years older than their daughter, especially at that age. You might not get as many positive or comforting responses as you were looking for.

On the flip side, you might need to start thinking about why such a young woman would be interested in a much older man. The answer might not be as flattering as what you might hope it to be.

If you find*

@EarthSight nailed it.

All us meanies calling him out on his awful thoughts. Let him say what he likes, he's just misunderstood.
If you look at my previous comments on this threads, you will find that I am also one of the posters you have just labelled ‘meanies’.
This guy is quite obviously has been through a lot. It is no excuse for chasing after a vulnerable, much younger girl at all, hence my previous comments. But he also needs a solution after the much-needed kicking he has received. So I think I am quite justified in my comment.

I stand by my comment.

No one, absolutely no one, should have any defense coming on mumsnet saying he will treat woman like shit.

This is why men will continue to get away with this behaviour as we mother them instead of calling it out.
As you seemed to have done with your comment.

@Aerial2020

I stand by my comment.

No one, absolutely no one, should have any defense coming on mumsnet saying he will treat woman like shit.

This is why men will continue to get away with this behaviour as we mother them instead of calling it out.
As you seemed to have done with your comment.

Call it personal but if someone comes here, man or woman, and tells me they have faced a life-threatening disease in their early 20s, I will cut them some slack.

Sorry I have not read the whole thread, it's very long now!

I think you have done the right thing to back off OP, because if as you say there are feelings involved, you are both quite likely to be hurt here.

If I try and imagine myself in her position, I could totally imagine falling for someone much older but for the wrong reasons. She isn't living the carefree life of some 21 year olds so she probably can identify more with some older people than many her age could. She has been treated badly by her ex and the father of her child, so someone like you (with 2 daughters you care for and your own relationship history) could seem like a sympathetic father figure, both to her and in terms of filling that gap in her life for a father figure for her own child. She is at a time in her life where an older man who has fatherly credentials and seems to care about her could seem very attractive....but not necessarily long term or for the right reasons.

I could be completely off there, but I think backing off for now and seeing how things play out is best.