To be fed up of DP attitude to sex

[FrostyTheNoMan]

NC

Looking for the Mumsnet view!

DP and I usually have a very happy, healthy relationship. There is just one thing that seriously bothers me and that is how he reacts when I say "no" to sex.

Usually he initiates sex (but I do too) and we have it at least every two weeks which I am fine with.

However he initiates a lot more than that and sometimes I say no. He doesn't get arsey as such but he will make a snide comment or two which just pisses me off. Tonight it has happened again and we've ended up having a huge row.

We went on a date night and DP's Mum took care of kids (DD 4 and DS 7mo). First date night in a year and had a lovely time. Over dinner it got very lovey dovey and he said at one point "I can't wait to get you home and take that dress off you". I just said "aw" or something- I wasn't against idea at the time at all but I didn't say YES DO IT either.

We come home and have a nice kiss at front door before we go in. DP mum promptly tells us that DS has cried nearly the whole time we were out and has only just got back to sleep. Within 5 mins of arriving, DS has woken up again and I need to comfort and feed him. This clearly stresses me out a bit, not great to hear.
When DS was settled, I was in bedroom getting changed out of my dress and in my pyjamas. DP comes in and says "what are you doing?" All outraged. I told him I was getting changed, I was uncomfortable in the dress. He then goes on to say "we had a lovely night, first date night in a while and I wanted to end it perfectly. But no, clearly we can't"

I said that he can't guilt trip me into sex. I was uncomfortable in outfit and wanted to get changed. He started going on and on about how he thought I wanted to have sex and that after putting baby down I would be ready.... he then said "i must have misread signals"

This made me explode. I said what fucking signals? I kissed you at the door. That doesn't mean we are definitely having sex and even if it did I HAVE THE RIGHT TO CHANGE MY MIND AT ANY FUCKING POINT.

I said to him - so are you the type of guy that if a girl was wearing a mini skirt then that's an invitation?

He was really insulted at this. All he said though was "you're my fucking fiancé" as if that changes anything.

He stormed off and has gone to sleep without saying a word. I'm fuming with his toxic behaviour which he can't even see and he seems to be fuming with me for calling him out on it.

As a bit of back story...I was seriously sexually assaulted as a teen. He knows this. I have a strong stance on boundaries and a woman's right to say no and a man's obligation to listen. As should fucking every one. he has been so supportive historically of how I deal with this trauma. Is it making me oversensitive though?

I feel at a loss of how to communicate to him on this topic because he clearly doesn't think he's in the wrong about being upset when I "reject" him. He's perfect in every other way, loving, kind, thoughtful. I love him and want him to understand where I'm coming from.

What do I do? AIBU? Is he being a huge dick?

I would get this moved to the Relationships board OP.

You will get some more thoughtful and wise answers.

But yanbu at all. You should never feel coerced of be punished for not wanting sex.

yANBU and his would seriously piss me off. I hate this attitude to sex that a lot of men have

However

I said to him - so are you the type of guy that if a girl was wearing a mini skirt then that's an invitation? This was a harsh comment I think and I can understand his response of "you're my fiancee" in the context of this not meaning " so you owe it to me" more just standing up for himself and saying that he isn't randomly pushing himself on a random girl in a miniskirt. (ifyswim)

So while I think he was very wrong and am creeped out by his behaviour I also think your response was a little harsh.

Thank you @LockdownLump

I will ask to move!

I'd tell him, when things have calmed down and when/if it comes up again, that you're not trying to "trick" him or giving him "signals", and whether or not you're in the mood can change relatively quickly, based on many different things. It's not a sign that you don't find him attractive or that he's done something wrong. It's just the way it is.

He needs to learn to not take it personally, and he needs to learn that his poor reaction to being "turned down" isn't helping his cause. It's a turn-off when he overreacts to a disappointment and may make you less interested in general.

@Feelingconfused2020

Yeah you're right, I see what that means now. I am not a random girl and he's not a predator so I shouldn't have said that.

I was just so frustrated at the time about how he can't see it's a shit way to behave and how it makes me feel when he does this..

@MilkOfThePuppy thank you! Yes absolutely, that's exactly how I feel.

Will put this to him tomorrow calmly.

I really don't get the butthurt just because I'm not in the mood... it's definitely not a reflection on anything about him!

I think theres a difference between a loving date night between committed engaged partners with 2 children hoping to end in making love to someone seeing a person with a miniskirt as an invitation to have sex.

You absolutely have the right to say no and he has no right to expect sex, but it is also unfair to make that comment.

He hasn't expressed himself well and was obviously disappointed in how the evening has ended but i dont think you have expressed yourself well either.

I myself would be disappointed that a date night that was going well didnt end in sex with my husband as thats when we feel closest and its lovely, however I also wouldn't have a tantrum about it like he did if it didnt.

Try to cool off, express how he made you feel calmly, but also be willing to acknowledge how he felt- everyone is quick to judge a partner that wanted to have sex, but i dont think there is anything wrong with him wanting to end the night that way and perhaps feeling disappointed that it didnt.

If you phrase it like he's a creep then he will just get defensive. His perception is still valid. You may have explained to him about your sexual assault, but he didn't experience it and is viewing the situation with a catalogue of his own experiences affecting his thoughts.

Focus on how his actions make you feel rather than blaming him for them, and make it clear that this is a heightened issue for you because of your previous sexual assault. Also acknowledge his feelings so that he will be willing to listen to yours. "I'm sorry that you feel rejected when I don't want to have sex, that isn't my intention because you know I love having sex with you. I just feel upset when you sometimes get annoyed or don't want to stay with me if I'm not in the mood. I know that isn't your intention - but I guess because of the sexual assault I am sensitive about my boundaries."

Thank you @Penguin1612

I know, that comment was uncalled for and I shouldn't have said that. I have that perspective now.

I guess because of my past this sort of thing gets my back up and I panic. Maybe there's a misplaced mistrust there.

I will have some calm words with him tomorrow now I know how to approach

You’ve had two children with this man, so he’s obviously got some good qualities.

I think perhaps you were both stressed out by the coming home and having to jump back into being parents. I think before you went inside, when you were kissing sex was not yet out of the question for you. Otherwise you’d have let him know clearly it wasn’t going to happen by then. So he’s gotten signals you might be up for sex.

Then the baby needed you...and as a mum too, I know how babies can kill a mood in seconds.

So, yes you’re exhausted by that point and just want to put in pjs and unwind. Then he was absolutely toxic by coming in and being outraged- completely agree. But was his statement about the evening being ruined more a general statement of frustration? The row looks like two exhausted parents trying to preserve some sense of being a couple in the face of constant baby/child demand snapping at each other to me.

You’ve both said hurtful things, yes he started it, so I’d hope he apologises first to you. But I do think you two need to improve communication. He should by now know that such child interruptions of an evening will usually result in any possibility of sex being eliminated. And he should accept that without being so toxic towards you. It’s part of parenthood.

"Oh I misread the signals"

"You're a rapist"

Yep totaly equal statements

@valtandsinegar

That is exactly how I feel and perfect way of putting it, thanks.

I'm so glad to feel calmer about it now and not as angry. I can see his POV.

Men do this and it hacks me right off too. I would have reacted just like you and have done when my DH has said/done similar. They don’t half sulk when rebuffed and they don’t realise how needy that makes them seem/what a total turn-off that is. I would try not to get it out of proportion but they also do need to know they can’t tantrum their way to getting what they want.

@Elsewyre

No, not at all. That wasn't what I meant I just panicked and said something in anger at him that I didn't mean. Stupid.

Tbh I’d be pretty gutted too if I’d had a lovely date night with my husband and it didn’t end in sex.

@Penguin1612

I think theres a difference between a loving date night between committed engaged partners with 2 children hoping to end in making love to someone seeing a person with a miniskirt as an invitation to have sex.

You absolutely have the right to say no and he has no right to expect sex, but it is also unfair to make that comment.

He hasn't expressed himself well and was obviously disappointed in how the evening has ended but i dont think you have expressed yourself well either.

I myself would be disappointed that a date night that was going well didnt end in sex with my husband as thats when we feel closest and its lovely, however I also wouldn't have a tantrum about it like he did if it didnt.

Try to cool off, express how he made you feel calmly, but also be willing to acknowledge how he felt- everyone is quick to judge a partner that wanted to have sex, but i dont think there is anything wrong with him wanting to end the night that way and perhaps feeling disappointed that it didnt.

What Penguin says. I have been guilty of this in the past myself - I don't want to outright say no, especially when he's making the heart eyes at me hours before it could even possibly happen! But try not to get bristly and on the back foot. Your baby is only 7 months old, it's quite normal to not be up for it all the time. Especially when the second you walk through the door the baby needs feeding.

You absolutely have the right to not want sex, but you really can’t speak to him like that. Those are extremely strong accusations you’re making and they seem like a massive overreaction. I think he has every right to be very hurt right now.

When he said he misread signals—I don’t think you needed to read anything else? He meant you had a nice date, you discussed having sex, you kissed on the way in the door. There were signals you might be about to have sex, you can just say sorry am not in the mood anymore. You can’t jsut suddenly accuse him of being a rapist.

He is being a dick to get angry at you for putting your PJ's on. If you wanted sex, you didn't have to stay in the dress for sex to happen, he definitely overreacted. He needs to understand the night ended when the baby woke up, NOT when you got changed. I feel like he may have a history of blaming you for all the time baby takes up? Not that he should blame baby for everything, but he needs to see that YOU don't decide to stop the fun, that's just part of baby's needs at the moment. But also, who is going to want to have sex with a man who is literally only there for sex. Did he even enjoy the date? Or was he focused on the end goal of sex the whole time? In that case it sort of makes the date meaningless.

@PlanDeRaccordement

Sooo right!! God it's good to get some perspective on here somewhere!

We are just struggling at the moment for us time and I do understand it wayyyyy better now.

The baby thing did kill the mood for me and part of me thought "ah fuck I'm in for a long night"

I should have said that instead of panicking at his strop. I guess I just get defensive and think "my no should be enough and I don't have to give a reason"

But I need to communicate better, absolutely

Tbh I’d be pretty gutted too if I’d had a lovely date night with my husband and it didn’t end in sex

Obviously how you feel is how you feel but I hope you wouldn't share this with your husband. Surely you see how that's putting undue pressure on him to have sex he doesn't want to have. Not ok in my opinion.

@12309845653ghydrvj

I really didn't mean to accuse him of being a rapist. At the time that's not what I was thinking AT ALL. It was more of a question like.. "I know you don't think that is OK so why is this ok" sort of thing that was just a shit way of articulating my frustration.

Anyway, that's awful, I need to apologise for that.

You have two problems; you are the default parent, and you are the one that has to stitch from 'partner' to 'mother' mode and back again, and

Your partner gets angry if he wants sex and you aren't in the mood. This isn't ok. The way he deals with his feelings is not ok.

Your baby is only 7 months old, it's quite normal to not be up for it all the time. Especially when the second you walk through the door the baby needs feeding.

You didn't just change your mind on a whim.
Your whole mood was derailed by your need to attend to the baby who (you had just been told) had been upset all the time you were out.
It's not reasonable to expect you to snap straight back into lovey-dovey mode.

@12309845653ghydrvj

Also, we didn't discuss having sex. He made a sexual comment over dinner. I made a non-comittal noise in response.

We kissed outside our front door as a "before we go in back to normality" thing.

I really don't think either of these things meant sex was a given.

@SengaMac @Thelnebriati

That's it. That's exactly it. Thank you both.

I'm trying to articulate exactly what you have both said.