To be fed up of DP attitude to sex

[FrostyTheNoMan]

NC

Looking for the Mumsnet view!

DP and I usually have a very happy, healthy relationship. There is just one thing that seriously bothers me and that is how he reacts when I say "no" to sex.

Usually he initiates sex (but I do too) and we have it at least every two weeks which I am fine with.

However he initiates a lot more than that and sometimes I say no. He doesn't get arsey as such but he will make a snide comment or two which just pisses me off. Tonight it has happened again and we've ended up having a huge row.

We went on a date night and DP's Mum took care of kids (DD 4 and DS 7mo). First date night in a year and had a lovely time. Over dinner it got very lovey dovey and he said at one point "I can't wait to get you home and take that dress off you". I just said "aw" or something- I wasn't against idea at the time at all but I didn't say YES DO IT either.

We come home and have a nice kiss at front door before we go in. DP mum promptly tells us that DS has cried nearly the whole time we were out and has only just got back to sleep. Within 5 mins of arriving, DS has woken up again and I need to comfort and feed him. This clearly stresses me out a bit, not great to hear.
When DS was settled, I was in bedroom getting changed out of my dress and in my pyjamas. DP comes in and says "what are you doing?" All outraged. I told him I was getting changed, I was uncomfortable in the dress. He then goes on to say "we had a lovely night, first date night in a while and I wanted to end it perfectly. But no, clearly we can't"

I said that he can't guilt trip me into sex. I was uncomfortable in outfit and wanted to get changed. He started going on and on about how he thought I wanted to have sex and that after putting baby down I would be ready.... he then said "i must have misread signals"

This made me explode. I said what fucking signals? I kissed you at the door. That doesn't mean we are definitely having sex and even if it did I HAVE THE RIGHT TO CHANGE MY MIND AT ANY FUCKING POINT.

I said to him - so are you the type of guy that if a girl was wearing a mini skirt then that's an invitation?

He was really insulted at this. All he said though was "you're my fucking fiancé" as if that changes anything.

He stormed off and has gone to sleep without saying a word. I'm fuming with his toxic behaviour which he can't even see and he seems to be fuming with me for calling him out on it.

As a bit of back story...I was seriously sexually assaulted as a teen. He knows this. I have a strong stance on boundaries and a woman's right to say no and a man's obligation to listen. As should fucking every one. he has been so supportive historically of how I deal with this trauma. Is it making me oversensitive though?

I feel at a loss of how to communicate to him on this topic because he clearly doesn't think he's in the wrong about being upset when I "reject" him. He's perfect in every other way, loving, kind, thoughtful. I love him and want him to understand where I'm coming from.

What do I do? AIBU? Is he being a huge dick?

YANBU! Any pressure to have sex is just wrong. I would be extremely uncomfortable if my partner behaved this way. No one has to have sex, if someone isn’t in the mood, it should be fine. I don’t see why it should ever be an issue.

I’m married 27 years ..I’ve never had that attitude of my dh.
Sometimes we have gone months with no sex ,he makes no comment,I would definitely not marry him with that attitude

I think the problem is here is not that he misread the signals but that he didnt think that DS crying all night and needing settling would have changed the signals anyway and that the date night meant automatic entitled sex

Things change and with children especially young babies they change quickly and you have the absolute right to change your mind and he should have recognised that straight away

@SoulofanAggron

I said to him - so are you the type of guy that if a girl was wearing a mini skirt then that's an invitation?

He was really insulted at this. All he said though was "you're my fucking fiancé" as if that changes anything.

He's saying that he thinks that means he has a right to your body OP, or something like that, that you have a duty to give him sex when he wants it. This will get worse if you marry him as he'll think you have more of a sexual obligation to him and that he will be even more entitled to you.

I have a strong stance on boundaries and a woman's right to say no and a man's obligation to listen. As should fucking every one. he has been so supportive historically of how I deal with this trauma. Is it making me oversensitive though?

No, you're absolutely right and your trauma hasn''t made you oversensitive, it has made you aware of when a man is being coercive, bullying etc. You're not imagining what he's doing, you know that.

Sexual coercion (which includes throwing a strop if they don't get what they want when they want it) is the reddest of red lines for me, and I would be ending it.

Massive over reaction

Of course you have a right to not want sex, but you also need to communicate properly as a couple. When you do have sex is it meeting your needs?

Sex is not something a woman gives to a man. It should be something shared with passion. There is nothing more off putting than sexual demands.

Every 2 weeks though? Maybe you need to consider why you are wanting such infrequent sex as well? As a woman that would be totally insufficient to meet my own needs. Are you using hormone based contraception? It might be time for a change if so.

Math anxiety
Yes 100% what she said ...on page 2
He feels entitled as a boyfriend...
What will he feel as a husband?
He has no rights to your body op ....NONE
And yes ,next time you want to turn him down ,will you think twice because of all this upset ,because of the way he reacted ,so will you give in for a quiet life .....
He’s got a nasty entitled attitude,I would not marry him

Two possibilities from my point of view (can’t tell which without knowing more than you would likely post on the internet):

• miscommunication. Happens sooooo easily when you have tiny ones. You are both tired and don’t express yourselves well and sometimes snap and say things you don’t mean. At least this is what it was like for me and DH! We were both oversensitive because we were tired. If you’re a strong team, you get through it and then I think it’s best to cultivate a poor memory

• he’s a dick about sex and thinks he’s entitled to it and that you shouldn’t disappoint him by changing your mind if circumstances change. In that case, you need to have very strong words with him when you are alone and calm. This wouldn’t be an ok attitude even if you didn’t have kids to throw a spanner in romance at no notice!

You’re the one in the situation, so you know which of the two options it is.

@TheHoneyFactory

you were both unreasonable.

He is totally in the right to be pissed off at the implication of being called a potential rapist (and him knowing OP past - being equated to that - just horrible).

For some people sex is important - doesn't mean they are entitled to it but it doesn't make them a bloody rapist if they want to do it either.

you both expressed yourselves poorly. you both acted poorly. you both need to communicate better about wants, needs, expectations.

This

Starlight lady
What the actual fuck are you on about
The op did not ask you to comment on how many times a month she has sex.
Who the fuck are you to decide she’s having infrequent sex
The amount of sex is enough for the op ..period
Ffs

Every man I've ever been with has been disrespectful/overly needy about sex which is why I'm now single permanently OP.
If I want to go to sleep I want to go to sleep and not play acrobatics in the bedroom. They should respect that but they never ever do and it becomes a battle that never ends.
My last husband counted the actual days since we last had sex and would say it's been so many days now.
It's a massive turn off, where once you loved someone and wanted to have sex with them the pestering and whining makes you hate them in the end.

So what if you were giving off consistent signals during the meal or even having a blatantly sexual conversation?
Unfortunately it all changed when you walked through the door due to circumstances beyond your control. I don't think you made the decision not to, it was made for you. And as the child's other parent he has to accept that.

@StarlightLady OP has two small kids, one of whom sounds like a poor sleeper. Once a fortnight might be all that is possible! I was very tired when my DD was 7 months, and also felt very “touched out” so sex was fairly infrequent. Breastfeeding also had an impact - my DH sometimes felt a bit weird about my breasts, which meant he had to rejig his foreplay technique. I think it’s fairly common for parents to have times when they have less sex, it isn’t necessarily an issue that needs fixing with anything other than time.

@madcatladyforever that’s a very depressing post . Sorry that you’re in that position

@RudieSmithy

Tbh I'm not always in the mood as often as my DP, sometimes I say no, but he and I have had long conversations about what sex is to us. For my DP it is very much one of his ways of showing me how much he loves me and about reconnecting. I always have a good time, sometimes I put in the time and effort even if I'm not really in the mood to start with because I love DP and understand how important that connection is to him. I always have a nice time in the end 😉

Oh bless you Really sorry to hear this Does he afford you the same curtesy Does he say ,oh I won’t bother rudiesmithy tonight with my pestering and sexual demands when she’s clearly not interested ,I will leave her alone tonight for all the times she’s had sex when she’s not wanted to .

About the mini skirt comment and his response. Sounds like he thinks it's not ok to force a stranger into sex but ok to coerce your fiancee. That's how I read it anyway. You prob shouldn't have made that comment but in a way at least it's made you aware of how he views you

And for those saying they'd be pissed off if a date night with their partner didnt end in sex. You are a sex pest if you go in a bad mood and make that your partners problem

Get yourself to fuck @raddledoldmisanthropist. Vile.

Did you not even bother to read the next sentence?

You should never feel coerced or that you have to have sex. Ever. But you clearly have mismatched sex drives and that is without doubt the cause of many relationship issues.

Eurgh, why do men think you can go from mummy to filthy sex goddess in 3 seconds?

I think they actually don’t get it but I wish they did.

I do sympathise with him being disappointed when the vibe changed but for fuck sake you have a small baby who needed breastfeeding- of course the vibe changed! There was no need for him to lash out at you for taking off the dress. You might well still have been up for sex once the baby was settled if he'd been nice and patient and not pushy but he killed it dead by getting the arse with you. What a dick.
Yes your comment was shitty but you were severely provoked.

@raddledoldmisanthropist

Get yourself to fuck @raddledoldmisanthropist. Vile.

Did you not even bother to read the next sentence?

Yes I did, did you think that mitigated it somehow? It didn’t.

@crazychemist

All too common I'm afraid. I'm not the rare person who has ended up in this position. Men need to stop being so entitled.

I'm actually a little bit shocked at some of the responses on here. If my husband ever spoke to me like that I'd be fuming. Fair enough to be a little disappointed if you thought the night was going to turn out differently, but to then get angry at you about literally changing your clothes is ridiculously immature. he sounds like a massive bell end and I don't think you over reacted at all.

Tbh I’d be pretty gutted too if I’d had a lovely date night with my husband and it didn’t end in sex

As would I actually. Obviously you have the right to say no but I do think it's sad that the effort isn't always made.